HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
Will dads continue to engage with flexible working post-Covid 19?
In this 2 parter for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
Will Dads Continue to engage with flexible working post-covid-19?
In this 2 parter written for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
I start with “why does “business” need dads to continue to be engaged in flexible working?”, considering the gender pay gap and mental health.
Then I get onto meaty topics such as
How do dads engage with flexible working?
What do men want?
What gets in the way of dads’ accessing flexible working?
What can we do to support dads’ access to flexible working?
5 key long-term steps to support flexible working for dads
You can Read the articles here:
Photo credit - Jonas Kakaroto @jkakaroto on Unsplash
Sharing the Load - Gender balance at home
Gender Balance isn’t a workplace issue. I joined Dorothy Dalton from 3 Plus International to discuss how to achieve equality at home.
Sharing the load - Gender Balance at home (Guest Podcast)
Gender balance is not just a workplace issue
“A common thread of lock down discussions has been women absorbing a higher proportion of childcare and home-schooling responsibilities than their partners. This has led to increased levels of burnout, stress, anxiety and the ubiquitous COVID19 brain, which has been covered in acres of media coverage.
Gender balance is not just a workplace issue it’s a relationship and domestic issue and both men and women are trapped by limiting gender stereotypes and expectations.”
I joined Dorothy Dalton the CEO of 3 Plus International to discuss how gender equality at work is tied to equality at home. Drawing upon my own experience as stay at home dad and a coach we covered a wide range of topics including
perfectionism - it's OK to make mistakes and learn from them
letting go the need for control - nothing bad will happen
applying workplace project management principles to the home, identifying tasks, creating job descriptions and schedules
maintaining intimacy and constructive communication
overcoming boundary issues
men being a permanent part of the solution rather than being allowed to opt in (helping) or usually opting out
creating goals and vision as a couple or even a family
Click Below to find out more
http://3plusinternational.com/2020/08/sharing-the-load-and-keeping-the-peace/
3 Ways New Dads Can Make Life Less Stressful
Three ways to reduce your new dad stress (in association with Thriving Parents)
3 Ways New Dads Can make life less stressful
In this first post for Thriving Parents I reflect back on my experience as new dad and make three key recommendations to help new dads reduce their stress.
“It can be a really brutal learning curve, especially first-time round. In fact, I think it’s worse than most people believe it’ll be. In hindsight we Dads are painfully ill equipped to deal with the emotional and practical complexity of fatherhood.”
1. Make plans together
2. Ask for what you need
3. Pay attention to your partner’s daily pressure points
If you want to know exactly what these mean and how to implement click on this link and read on:
https://www.thriving-parents.com/blog/3-ways-new-dads-can-make-life-less-stressful
Photo Credit - Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash @gift_habeshaw
Fatherhood Matters: Changing the Culture for Working Dads
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters to discuss fatherhood, culture and covid.
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters.
Like ageing pop stars, we jostled with top billing and soundbites. Early attendees were treated to the sort of behind the scenes banter and rubbish jokes that you would expect from 4 white middle class dads (mostly in their 40s!)
Joking aside, the webinar was such a success we broke the internet – well Zoom had a technical issue that unexpectedly and annoyingly capped live attendees at 100. Lockdown maybe easing but technology shenanigans are still waiting to catch people out.
Contributors were Brian Ballantyne, Dan Reed, James Millar and myself, Ian Dinwiddy
Quotes throughout were taken anonymously from the chat box.
Access Password: 5w!B=*i!
Positives of Lockdown
James talked about time with his family, while recognising that isn’t a positive for everyone – depending on relationship tensions and available space, but for him real quality time without any fear of missing out and being able to eat flavoured crisps without their air pollution hampering face to face meetings!
Brian appreciated the chance to decompress, relishing the lack of a stressful commute.
Dan reflected on the unprecedented chance to spend time with his daughter, just turned 1, experiencing her milestones and being there for bedtime. In broader terms he made a great point about the democratisation of individual voices, with face to face opportunities likely to remain limited, location is no longer seen a disadvantage.
For me it was about the opportunity to invest in family time – weekend walks, movie night and eating together every day. We were all grateful and understanding of the privilege to have space inside to work and outside space to play.
Poll: What is the biggest challenge for working fathers?
A culture of presenteeism was the ‘winner’ with 42%, ahead of options
choice of flexible working denied,
fear of job loss and
obstructive line manager.
Here is selection of other challenges identified in the live chat
“Fear of cultural stereotype and social judgement”
“Sexism, managers, male and female, assuming that it should be a woman looking after children”
“Fear of Job Loss – if you’re not available then it’s not viewed upon ‘favourably’ “
“I think working Dad’s themselves are part of the problem in recognising their own journey, its challenges and being willing to reach out for help”
Challenges of Lockdown
Moving onto a discussion on the challenges of lockdown, James found it hard to find time to yourself and your own thoughts – despite the benefits of being together as a family there was a recognition from all of us that your own physical and emotional space really matters.
In contrast to Brian, Dan had found himself missing the commute – his time to listen to a podcast, play on the Switch or read. Instead replaced by zero commute time and a flip from “family mode” to “work mode” at 08:59 without so much as 15 minutes of mindfulness.
Brian’s comment about a “Maslow reset” (Hierarchy of Needs) resonated in the comments with worries about basic needs such as health, food (and toilet paper) having taken priority in the psyche.
We had all found it tricky to set and maintain barriers between work and home life, while at the same time accepting that one of the key ways for everyone to survive the process was to accept a degree of blend between work and family life, no matter how messy that could get.
What are the implications of the experience of working flexibly and remotely during lockdown for dads in future?
What key lessons can we take from this experience?
After these initial thoughts Rachel took us into bigger topics around flexible and remote working for dads, as Dan noted, many men see formal flexible working as “for mums.”
You can see why when last year Daddilife’s “Millennial Dad At Work” survey found that 63% of men surveyed had requested some form of flexibility, but of those who requested working from home (1-2 days a week), less than 1 in 5 of those were successful in their request (19%).
This isn’t flexible working
Early in lockdown James wrote an article pointing out that this version of remote working was not working from home and Dan echoed that point.
There’s nothing flexible about being forced to work from home in a space you share with your family and with school, formal childcare and informal family babysitting being taken away in one fell swoop.
My own experience of coaching and mentoring dads during Lockdown tells me that despite the practical and emotional challenges of lockdown, dads have also seen the benefits of being much more active and involved parents. They don’t want to return to the working structures of 2019, they want to design something that fits around their family life.
I think that that says a lot for just how broken the system has been, when, despite everything, a man in a 2 bed flat with a young baby tells you he wants to work from home regularly in the future.
Benefits
I think that despite the chaos, stress, and tension of this surreal version of remote working, we’re learning something what single dads have always known – that breadwinner and carer are not separate roles.
As Michael Ray https://michaelray.com.au/ pointed out in the comments:
“My current bug-bear is the preponderance of equality advocates who are too eager to classify bread-winning as somehow separate to care giving rather than a vital part of it which has allowed employers to be wilfully blind to parental responsibilities”
This messy, though ultimately rewarding, blend of work and life maybe be flawed but we want more of it.
Assumptions have flipped
Brian mused that the default has flipped. For office-based workers the default was office, with possibly some home / coffee shop / remote location and now we’ve gone the other way.
Yes there are consequences, as LinkedIn Change Maker John Adams pointed out this week, while major city / town centres and public transport firms will struggle in a new world of remote working, it does create an opportunity to rebalance the economy away from tax efficient corporate entities and into the hands of the local cafes and restaurants for instance.
Choice
Ultimately it needs to be about choice. Giving dads some sort of choice as to where to work to meet business and family objectives.
As James said recently, this is the route to “help fathers thrive and companies succeed.”
Not everyone wants to be in the office all the time, not everyone wants to be at home all the time, my wife (lawyer) is case in point. As part of writing this, I asked her what her ideal would be – 3 days in the London office, 2 days at home. But currently the 35-minute train journey isn’t very appealing…
At this point another poll Rachel ran showed – 82% planned to work more flexibility than pre-covid.
What guidance would you give to companies looking to support working dads and improve their experience at work, so they are able to be great employees and great dads?
Ditch the assumptions
My response was stop assuming that working dads don’t have caring responsibilities or desires to be more involved in their children’s lives.
It’s so important to dig deep and have proper time-consuming human to human conversations to understand what sort of support each employee needs. The pressure and tension a dad might be facing as he tries to juggle his responsibilities may not be obvious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Men have become adept at concealing the pressure they face, presenting a face of devotion to their business.
Companies need to treat everyone as individuals and understand that caring responsibilities aren’t just for mums. That sort of lazy thinking creates a 2-tier system that does nothing for gender equality, mental health or productivity.
From the chat box:
“Managers are key here. They should understand the individual’s needs and encourage them to flex in the way they need to. Plus, role model themselves.”
Understand intersectionality
This comment from the chat illustrates how the mental health pressures that dads face collides with ethnicity:
“Sadly, I was signed off because of the extreme pressure and now there is another dad (a good friend) with 2 small children, he’s been signed off for 4 weeks (I was signed off for 2 weeks). Being the only black man in the office, I feel all your pressure plus…”
Understand the effect of school holidays – especially in 2020
It’s especially important at the moment – school summer holidays have started, and the vast majority of childcare settings are shut, plus large numbers of grandparents will still be shielding until at least 1st August.
Now is the time for business to understand the childcare responsibilities and support needs for all of their staff.
Tap into empathy
James talked about companies being both mindful of the return work challenges of returning from furlough AND also seeing it as an opportunity to improve empathy towards maternity returners amongst others.
“I’ve been on shared pat leave it is obviously great but a real eye opener for the bump back to work post maternity leave”
Identify and celebrate senior male role models
Working dads take their signals on behaviour from their male leadership.
Brian talked about changing to a more authentic version of himself, becoming a role model for active and involved fatherhood – blogging about fatherhood. His view was that if you can’t be yourself, consider if your company is the right place for you anyway.
But Dads do need to ask…
Lockdown has improved the awareness of personal circumstances and an element of everyone being in a similar boat. Communication has been enhanced, through the lens of Zoom it’s become more personal. Now more than ever is the time to future proof your life.
To ask for the long-term flexible working patterns you and your family need. If you’re a working dad with a working partner, what happens if you don’t push back?
Who picks up the pieces? Who looks after the children?
The good news is that good businesses will want to help.
So, if not now, then when?
Dads face risk
“The difficulty with asking for flexibility is that you worry that if the answer is no, then there will be further consequences in terms of career opportunities in future… I’m ashamed to say that I’ve put this (Zoom) in my calendar as a “private” meeting so my team can’t see what I’m doing at the moment.”
But we need to keep shouting about the benefits of flexible working.
Not just shouting because as James said on our podcast, it’s harder to be heard with a face mask on…
Productivity Benefits
Mental Health Benefits for the whole family
Achievement benefits for our children
Improved relationships with partners = happier employees
Saving money on commuting
Saving money on office space
Don’t feel guilty about being a dad. Speak up, because it might be easier than you think.
“Sometimes things you think others would find difficult are actually OK, but we are worried what others would think”
“Yes, if we didn’t worry about what people thought, we would just ask for it.”
Enhanced Parental Leave is so important.
Shared Parental Leave suffers because families can’t afford to use it and it is dependent on a transfer of rights (usually from a woman to man)
James talked about the benefits Aviva found with 6-month full paid gender neutral parental leave – giving others the opportunity to step up and improving the skjills and capability of the business.
Gender neutral leave is also really important for same sex relationships:
“I’m a mother in a same sex relationship and because I wasn’t the pregnant one, I was also only entitled to two weeks paid time off (despite breastfeeding!) The policy documents that applied to me were named “paternity” policies.”
This comment hit the nail on the head:
“Puppies aren’t just for Christmas and dads aren’t just for parental leave – both have ongoing needs and responsibilities. Too many organisations are patting themselves on the back after providing a shared parental leave policy and then frowning when dad requests to attend school sports day, lipstick on a pig”
Finally, in one-word what would like to see happen in the workplace for dads.
James – Awareness
Ian – Mentoring
Rachel – Communication
Brian – Authenticty
Dan – Openness
Photo credit: Limor Zellermayer via Unsplash @limorganon
3 things HR needs to know about dads returning to work
Do you just assume childcare is for mums? Find out why that’s a problem in this vlog.
In this vlog for Parent and Professional, I explore three key issues that HR professionals need to be aware of in order to effectively support working dads and their transition back to the workplace.
Childcare assumptions
Fear of being seen as uncommitted
Potential domestic conflict
Photo Credit: Juan Rojas on Unsplash @juanrojas
Dads and the new reality
The benefits and challenges to working dads of the post lockdown world
Dads and the New Reality
Photo Credit: Ayo Ogunseind via Unsplash @armedshutter
I’ve said it before, it’s an awful time.
“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”
Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.
But, it WILL get better and dads will have a massive opportunity.
Dads do more At Home
With so many dads spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.
and this includes parenting...
An Institute for Fiscal Studies report this week included this evidence
During lockdown fathers have nearly doubled the time they spend on childcare. On average, fathers are now doing some childcare during 8 hours of the day, compared with 4 hours in 2014/15.
This increase is especially large for the 15% of fathers in previously dual-earner households who have lost their job while their partner continues to do paid work. This large increase in fathers’ involvement in childcare might have long-lasting impacts on how couples share childcare responsibilities.
seeing the benefits
Photo Credit: Edward Cisneros via Unsplash @everythingcaptured
“My job has never allowed me so much free time. Being forced to work from home, I have been able to spent precious time with my little girl who is 5 months old.”
“Loved being able to WFH full time... we have a six month old now so I get to see him during the day a bit, feed him lunch, always have bath time at 5.30pm... it’s been a positive in an otherwise pretty weird / horrid time.”
The assumptions that remote working can’t work have been massively undermined, a client told me this week that the main blocker to remote working in his business has had a complete U-turn since the the pandemic started.
the start of a brave new world?
This can be the opportunity for men to fix their work life balance once and for all and to be the hands on, active and involved fathers many don’t remember growing up.
If the virus has taught us one thing, it’s that many people don’t HAVE to be in the office to do their jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.
The Challenge of returning to the workplace
It’s tricky from many angles - health and safety, social distancing in the office and on the commute and a lack of childcare options.
Here are my 3 quick tips for businesses with working dads.
Childcare Assumptions
Don’t tell men to return to the workplace without considering they might also have childcare responsibilities. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Don’t leave women on furlough because you assume they are responsible for childcare. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Fear
Understand that now, more than, ever men face the fear of losing their jobs if they don’t follow instructions of their business.
This fear will trump any desire to maintain the benefits of working from home.
Conflict
With childcare and schooling options still limited, the pressure on parents to share the load and balance domestic responsibilities is still at an all time high.
Forcing working dads to return to the workplace will create domestic conflict
Longer term
1) Give men well paid parental leave so that they have the time and financial security to experience hands on, solo parenting.
2) Provide paternity return to work coaching to mirror the maternity offer.
3) Create male leadership models who demonstrate and support active, involved fatherhood. Part time working, flexible hours, working from home. Model it and make it ok.
How To… Fix Your Work Life Balance and save your Relationship
Let’s talk work life balance and show you some stories
How to… fix your work life balance and save your relationship
Real men, real stories
“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”… Covid is the gift that keeps giving.
Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.
But, it WILL get better and then you’ll have a massive opportunity.
The New Reality
With so many men spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.
and this includes parenting...
The world tends to assume that only mums are able to look after children and men can't do that role. It's incredibly damaging for relationships, choice and opportunity.
Men don't feel able to be anything other than "all in" for work and women struggle with trying to do everything for everyone.
At the moment the emotional and mental load are cranked up to 11 and men need to step up to the domestic plate in a way that we might not ever have had to before.
Photo credit: Matthew Rader via Unsplash @matthew_t_rader
The opportunity
But I have faith in our ability to take on those domestic roles that society doesn’t believe we can do and then we can change the entire conversation about what it means to be a dad.
We aren’t just breadwinners. We’re stand-in teachers, cooks, ironing machines and leaders and to continue the amazing benefits we’ve already experienced when we merging our work and home lives we’re going to need better work life balance.
Not just to be a hero to our kids and being there for the moments that matter, but taking on our fair share around the house.
This will be the opportunity to fix your work life balance once and for all and be the hands on, active and involved father you don’t remember growing up.
Don’t get me wrong, our dads did their best, but it that was a different time and you want to be a different type of dad.
If Covid-19 has taught us one thing, it’s that many of us don’t HAVE to be in the office to do our jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.
A way that allows us to the type of dad you always wanted to be.
It’s time to fix your work life balance and save your relationship
⭐ You’ll need to be honest about what is truly important to you.
⭐ Learn to communicate effectively as a couple, so that everyone’s needs are met.
⭐ Understand the financial trade-offs you might need to make to ALL be happy.
⭐ Dedicate time to focusing on what is really important to your family.
Let these men Inspire You with Their real stories
1) Sean’s story
Doctor Sean and his family left London 18 months ago to escape to the country.
He made the decision to trade some professional kudos and financial reward for a life in the country, seeing his kids every night for dinner and bedtime plus most weekends. They choose to move to a part of the country where they have family close by for help and social life.
In contrast Sean’s London peers are out working all day, everyday and don’t get to see their kids.
After trying a couple of different work patterns, he and his wife have decided that the best combination of professional progress, income and family time are for Sean to work M, T, Th, F plus 3 in 4 Wednesdays and 1 in 4 Saturdays.
“This will be an income hit but I will at least be able to take the kids to school once a month and have most weekends with them.”
To support his work life balance Sean tries to work a bit smarter, allowing him to leave on time. He is also stricter with his home time - he has stopped answering emails etc out of work hours which he has found surprisingly liberating!
Challenges
“It’s difficult because I need to put the graft in now to make a name for myself, meaning more work will come my way at more convenient times, rather than working the graveyard Saturday shift.
But nothing has changed our underlying vision for how we wanted to live our lives”
2) Insight from Adam - how much money do you actually need?
Adam used to work in the Financial Services industry, he’s now part time in the building trade.
“Ian, you’ve no idea how much money I earnt two years ago, but I gave it up mate, gave it up for the kids, because wanted to spend time with them now.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t go back, but right now it matters to be there for them”
3) Will took action before it was too late
“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.
The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”
4) A warning from Toby
“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.
But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”
Toby and his wife are separated and to a large extent due to a failure to sort out their work life balance.
Things those guys know, and you need to know…
Be honest about what is truly important to you.
As a couple you must communicate and agree your priorities.
Do the maths - work out the financial trade offs you need to make.
Have a plan to stay focused on what is important.
That’s all great Ian but HOW do I actually achieve better work life balance?
get our free PDF and learn How to Implement Our Top Ten Tips to get control of your work life balance.
✅ Stop wasting time and find out what is really causing your work / life stress.
✅ Take control of your working life and avoid burning out.
✅ Reduce your stress - sleep and eat better, gain more energy for your relationships and playing with your children.
✅ Learn what are your real options and rights are, not just what your boss thinks!
✅ Evaluate what type of Dad you want to be and USE this to decide what you want.
✅ Checklist of the steps you need to take to be READY to get what you want.
✅ PLUS - get organised, manage your time and be there when you're there.
“Happier, Healthier and more Heroic.”
Get your free download today - no sign up required!
PS
If you want to know why I know what I’m talking about you can read my story here.
How to... Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown
Communication and equality at home are your key weapons to avoid relationship breakdown.
How to… Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown
Stressed dads need support to face the realities of managing work and fatherhood commitments.
Just because this is my coaching niche it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sorted, far from it. I’m struggling with when to work, how to schedule things, expectation management - especially my own expectations about what is possible.
More than ever, being present in the moment is important, setting aside time with the kids and time to work. Focusing as much as possible on one thing at a time.
If you’re new to the working from home thing I'd definitely suggest wisely using the time you would have spent commuting.
** My top tip is making sure domestic responsibilities are shared fairly.
Making sure you have open lines of communication with your partner and that everyone's needs are met is one really important way to survive the practical and emotional challenges that prolonged periods of time at home are bringing.
It's not going to be easy, but the harsh truth is that if you always defined your worth by the income you provided you might need to redefine your role in a much broader way.
With kids at home, we men can't just shut the door and retreat into our work bubble.
It's literally all hands on deck. For men, the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required for a household to function might come as a shock, especially if you tend to leave that stuff to your partner. It's called mental load and you're going to get a much better sense of it in the next few months.
It's time to step up, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.
Of course you could ignore this challenge and become a viral sensation on Mumsnet...
"I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.
However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to do when both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum."
In case the prospect of reading Mumsnet scares you, here's some responses
"Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this."
"He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!"
"Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up."
"I've had pretty much the same from DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the Xbox."
And the kicker...
"He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him."
Now more than ever, life is tough
The challenge of balancing work and fatherhood has been cranked up to 11. Some relationships definitely won't survive.
James Millar, writing in Workingdads.co.uk talks about how it is up to us men
“To be the best partners, parents, educators and… employers and employees we can be.”
Embrace the new normal and accept that “Good enough is good enough”
If your marriage is going to make it, you might need to be doing something different. Improving your communication and sharing domestic physical and emotional labour will help you.
Need some help to get it right and talk through the problem you have?
Do You Have the Illusion of a fulfilled Life?
Suppressing your nature desire to be an active and involved father is bad for mental health and bad for women.
Yesterday I read a Harvard Business Review article called
"What's really holding women back"
The article explores the work / family 'narrative' in an unnamed global consultancy firm.
I really recommend it, it’s a pretty big read, but it’s a really well written and explores the impact of work place stereotypes in the working world.
Key takeaways for me.. (pay attention at the back..)
⭐ Distress over work / family conflict was primarily attributed to women, but the authors found that many men were suffering too.
"Two-thirds of the associates we talked to who were fathers reported work / family conflict, but only one was taking measures to ease it."
(by measures they mean things like flexible or reduced hours and working from home)
⭐ Many more women took measures to improve work life balance, they were stigmatised and saw their careers derailed.
⭐ The route cause was a long-hours problem
⭐ Business "social defense" mechanisms included a "belief in women’s natural fitness for family, and in men’s for work."
Dads defence mechanisms against guilt
Working dads were suffering guilt, while as a defence against how they felt, they were denying or deflecting their natural emotional responses to fatherhood. This "psychological defense gave many men at the firm the illusion of a fulfilled life."
The "illusion of a fulfilled life" caught my eye...
ouch.
So dads in that study were risking their mental health by creating psychological defenses that allowed them to remain "all in" for work.
While women were positioned to be seen as "subpar performers or subpar mothers—or both"
Double ouch.
Supporting men to tap into, rather than, suppress their desire to be active, involved parents is vital for everyone.
Feeling a bit uncomfortable about that article?
Here's something you can do about it.
✔ You can take my short "Assess your work life balance" test.
It will help you get clear about your reality, how it affects you and your family and get some tips on what to do next.
Stay safe
Ian
My Story - Why I Do, What I Do
How Multiple Sclerosis, new dad identity challenges and suicide shaped my life and business.
My Story - Why I Do, What I Do.
(Updated in Jan 2022)
Three events and experiences shape what I do today with Inspiring Dads.
1) Growing up with Multiple Sclerosis
It was 1987, I was 11 years old and living in Taunton, Somerset, the medium sized market town I was born in. A comfortable existence, our parents grew their own fruit and vegetables in the allotments that backed onto our semi detached home, my grandparents had been dairy farmers and summers were all about cricket.
Our life was about to be turned upside down by Multiple Sclerosis, a cruel and debilitating disease. From a distance I see how treatment and diagnoses has come on leaps and bounds, but in the late 1980s medical professionals seemed at a loss as to how to treat the condition. For mum the idea of remission was a pipe dream - she had bad days and worse days. She went down hill pretty quickly, within what felt like months, she couldn’t leave the house without her wheelchair. We moved to a bungalow, got a converted car, learnt where the drop down kerbs were and practiced the skill of gently (!) tilting the chair back to negotiate the lips and edges that dominate our urban environments.
My teenage years fundamentally changed how I saw the role of men and males in the home. My dad, my brother and I couldn’t coast along relying on mum to do things for us. We had different responsibilities than most boys our age, we went on different holidays, we had to think about different things. It was just how it was.
In hindsight it was the type of domestic equality that I advocate today.
Our Mum, Ann, died in August 2008, aged 61. I still never, ever, park in disabled bays - even if “no one needs them.”
2) 2010 - New Dad, New Worries
It was 3am when I held our daughter, Freya for the first time and I knew nothing was going to be the same again.
I made secret promises to her, her little eyes piercing my soul. Promises I hoped I’d be able to keep. Promises about what sort of Dad I would be… Wanting to make Mum proud.
But not knowing what the hell I was doing!
Worrying that I would drop my daughter was just the first thing!
Would we have enough money? One income and lots of extra costs! I was worried I couldn’t be a great Dad and have a great career. Worried our relationship would take 2nd place to our children. Worried we’d just be parents, not partners. I’d have to grow up – no more spontaneous trips to the pub with the boys. No more gaming and an end to social life?
I muddled along as best I could.
Wanting to be there with our baby. But then wanting to be somewhere else. Because no-one tells you how boring life can be with a new-born. Everything arranged around nap time! But throughout I knew one thing for sure.
I wanted to be a different type of Dad.
I wanted to share responsibilities with my wife. We wanted an equal marriage, and the opportunity was there. I went to 4 days a week and then after 6 months of maternity leave, my wife, Lisa, went back to work as a lawyer - I took on the nappies and the naps. 9 months of full time baby things.
Without work I was worried people would see me as a less of a man.
Doing “women’s work” – not providing for my family.
I remember telling people I was a management consultant - stay at home dad was just a temporary job!
I got patronised by old ladies in the supermarket, ignored by the mums who couldn’t get their heads round it and treated with suspicion by the dads who were ‘real men’, out to work. Men who thought I was out to hit on their wives.
But I met some guys who got it.
Who structured their working lives around their children, understood the amazing but limited opportunity we had to shape and guide our little people. Because they are only young once.
The importance of work and identity
I did some freelance work – kept my hand in 2 / 3 days a week – earnt some good money. My skills and expertise were needed. I was needed. I had a way of earning money and being an involved father. I also had the chance to umpire hockey matches on Saturdays - working towards the top domestic level in England, identity driven by sporting excellence.
I had what I wanted. Right?
But I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
I couldn’t be a management consultant anymore. Not with the travel and the hours. Being a great dad wasn’t the temporary gig. Consultancy was the temporary gig.
I'm a guy, so ‘naturally’ I didn't share my anxiety with anyone, but wrestling with these dilemmas took some of the joy out of becoming a Dad. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to start nursery, so I didn’t have to look after her for 5 days in a row. I was struggling to balance the conflict of wanting to be there and wanting to work.
The certainty of my previous existence had gone. The uncertainty and the lack of clear purpose was depressing at times. I should have felt happier, but it was not a problem I could easily solve. How to be a great dad AND have a great career?
And then the worst thing happened
3) George and Paul Burke 2012
I learnt that Paul Burke, “Burkey”, a university hockey mate had died. His 1 year old son, George, had suddenly died and lacking support in a system that didn’t know how to help suddenly bereaved parents he was overcome with grief, self blame and post-traumatic stress. He took his own life 5 days later.
It put everything into context.
Everything can change in an instant and having somewhere to turn is vital.
Men need to support each other and connect, tell stories and practice being vulnerable.
I set up an annual hockey match in memory of Paul. To remember him, to connect with old mates and to raise money for 2 Wish, the charity that his widow, and now my friend, Rhian Mannings, MBE, Pride of Britain winner founded. Out of a great tragedy we take the opportunity to connect. Now, 10 years on we also take the time to remember and celebrate the lives two more hockey friends - Jonathan ‘Bob’ Cheek and Deep Bolina.
The Three Bs.
2015
2021
Inspiring Dads
I was 11 years old when our mum’s multiple sclerosis broke any domestic gender role expectations I might have had as a young teenager in a family of males.
At 33, becoming a dad showed me how challenging the early stages of fatherhood can be - identity, anxiety and mixed emotions, it also demonstrated that work and ‘status’ don’t define a man.
I was 35, in 2012, when 1 year old George Burke’s sudden death, followed 5 days later by the suicide of his dad, my friend, Paul, showed how fragile life can be. The devastation these events caused, painfully illustrates the importance of both crisis support for mental health trauma and normalising men feeling comfortable talking about their emotions, worries and pressures.
Ultimately coaching has shown me a way to help.
The Mission
To help HR leaders support a new generation of dads as they navigate the vital early years of fatherhood. Creating structures and support that facilitate a redefinition of traditional, potentially divisive gender stereotypes around “breadwinning” and “caring”, helping new dads to be the hands-on, active and involved fathers they don’t necessarily remember growing up.
Coaching, mentoring and the creation of safe spaces is good for dads’ well-being and mental fitness, improves equality at home and at work and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like in the workplace.
Ultimately the mission to help men to solve this crucial question:
How to be a great dads, without sacrificing a great career?
Our Vision
Equal parental Leave rights, enshrined in law, for all.
Important things that I’ve learnt…
Becoming a new dad is one of the most profoundly challenging experiences that men will ever go through.
Other people’s judgement can’t matter, doing what is right for you and your family is what matters.
Being male doesn’t insulate you from domestic responsibilities.
You can’t predict when everything is going to change.
Men need to know It’s ok to talk - being vulnerable and knowing where to turn might save your life.
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.