Can Dads Have It All? Why "Parenting Out Loud" Matters

There’s a growing conversation happening in workplaces, playgrounds, and NCT chats among fathers - a shift in what it means to be a modern dad. The idea that dads want to “have it all” - a thriving career and a deeply involved family life - is no longer niche. For many men, it’s mainstream, and this represents a massive opportunity for society to rethink outdated assumptions about gender, work, and parenting.

I was 11 years old when our mum’s multiple sclerosis broke any domestic gender role expectations I might have had as a young teenager in a family of males.

At 33, becoming a dad showed me how challenging the early stages of fatherhood can be - identity change, anxiety and highly charged, mixed emotions, it also demonstrated that work and ‘status’ don’t define a man.

I was 35, in 2012, when 1 year old George Burke’s sudden death, followed 5 days later by the suicide of his dad, my friend, Paul, showed how fragile life can be. The devastation these events caused painfully illustrated the importance of normalising men feeling comfortable talking about their trauma, emotions and anxiety, and crucially, knowing where to turn for crisis support.

What I’ve Learnt as a twice stay at home Dad and coach

Here’s what’s clear: there is almost nothing men can’t do when it comes to raising children. The challenges fathers face today aren’t rooted in capability—they stem from culture, norms, and deeply entrenched assumptions. When we talk about gender in the workplace, we often focus (rightly) on the barriers women face—gender pay gaps, limited progression into senior roles, and the harsh realities of the motherhood penalty, with up to 74,000 women a year pushed out of work due to pregnancy and maternity discrimination.

But there’s another side to the story: men. More specifically, new dads. Many struggle with the emotional and practical impacts of fatherhood. They feel pressure to be the “rock,” to remain stoic, productive, unphased. And too often, they feel like they are navigating this alone.

The Gender Dynamics at Work and Home

Despite decades of equal pay legislation, women continue to face stubborn pay and pension gaps. We’re ‘missing’ women at senior levels. And too often, the cost of childcare is viewed through the lens of the mother’s earnings, reinforcing the idea that hers is the secondary career. This logic, embedded in workplace and family dynamics, reinforces inequality and limits choices for both partners.

Equality, however, begins at home. When we assume that women are more ‘committed’ to caregiving and men are more ‘available’ for work, we limit everyone.

“When I first met Lisa, I didn’t think she had kids, because I didn’t think a mum could do this job.”

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

The Dad Struggle

The “Diamond of Dilemma” represents the tension many dads feel in the face of competing demands on their time and focus. Apart from the challenge around translating ‘family man’, it’s a narrative that is largely gender neutral.

But add in the concept that “mum knows best,” compounded by limited paternity leave policies and the persistent expectation that men should be breadwinners first, carers second, it is easy to see why new dads might struggle with their place and value in a world that has moved on significantly from their own dad’s experiences.

☹️ Around 10% of dads experience depression during their partner’s pregnancy,

☹️ Fathers are twice as likely to suffer depression in the first year of fatherhood than men without children.

☹️ Anxiety is common, especially for those trying to live up to the expectation of being the steady, unshakable one.

These struggles are amplified by societal expectations and outdated traditions. But here’s the thing: tradition has a cost. And it’s one we can no longer afford to pay.

The Cost of Tradition

As a coach, specialising in supporting men through the first year of fatherhood, I would never seek to define how my coachees structure their lives but it can be important to understand that while ‘traditional’ family set ups can provide great certainty and clarity they can be problematic for a significant number of parents

A University of Bath study of 6,000 American heterosexual couples over 15 years showed husbands were most anxious when they are the sole breadwinner. “Study of US data shows persistent social norms about male breadwinning can harm men’s mental health.”

While research from Dr Ana Jordan, University of Lincoln found:

⭐ 25% of Fathers in traditional arrangements felt forced into roles.

⭐ “Mothers in traditional arrangements reported significantly lower wellbeing and relationship quality than mothers who shared childcare equally or reversed roles”

What Is “Parenting Out Loud”?

Enter the idea of #ParentingOutLoud - a simple but radical concept that encourages dads to be open, visible, and unapologetic about their caregiving responsibilities. The term, popularised by Elliott Rae of Music Football Fatherhood, is about more than sharing daycare pickups in your calendar. It’s about challenging assumptions, starting conversations, and de-gendering caregiving.

When dads “parent out loud,” they signal that caregiving isn’t a weakness or an afterthought. It’s part of a full, healthy life. And when male leaders model this behavior, they give permission to others to do the same.

Why It Matters

Parenting out loud matters because it challenges stereotypes and makes caregiving visible. It helps normalise the idea that both parents are responsible for raising children—and that work must adapt to accommodate that shared responsibility.

It also creates equality at home. When one partner bears the mental load of family life while the other operates with a more singular focus, resentment builds. True fairness—whether in emotional labor, chores, or social freedom—requires intentionality and shared leadership. And it starts with open conversations.

So… Can Dads Have It All?

The answer depends on what we mean by “all.” No one can do everything perfectly, but dads can absolutely lead full, rich lives that include ambition and active fatherhood.

The key is to be deliberate.

Start by taking your leave. It’s one of the most powerful things you can do for your family, your partner, and yourself. Research shows that paternity leave reduces postnatal depression in fathers and boosts maternal income—by as much as 7% per month of leave taken, according to McKinsey’s reporting on a Swedish study.

Ask yourself: What does good work-life balance look like for me? Is it ‘balance’, ‘harmony’, or ‘integration’? Consider how your work pattern impacts your partner. Are you unintentionally prioritising one career over another? Are you both working full-time because you want to, or because it feels like the only option?

Think about your “second shift” at home—cooking, cleaning, managing logistics—and the mental load that often goes unnoticed. Design your ideal working week and ask your partner to do the same. Look for overlaps, gaps, and areas for realignment.

What’s In It For Me?

Plenty!
In an ideal world we wouldn’t be talking about how to persuade men of the benefits of being active and involved fathers… but we do what we need to do!

When dads are active, engaged, and emotionally present, everyone benefits. You get to be the dad you want to be. You deepen your connection with your children. You build confidence and pick up valuable life skills. You lead by example at home and in the workplace. You gain the skills and connections that can insulate yourself from losing access if your relationship breaks down.

And perhaps most importantly, you set the tone for future generations. By choosing equal parenting now, you reduce long-term relationship tension and model a healthier way forward.

Recognising the Barriers

Of course, change isn’t easy. Many men fear being judged if they take time off or ask for flexibility. They worry about being overlooked for promotions, seen as uncommitted, or even mocked. These fears are real—and they’re reinforced by silence.

A 2021 BBC article described this perfectly:

“Most cite fears of being discriminated against professionally, missing out on pay rises and promotions, being marginalised or even mocked as reasons for not taking time off.”

These aren’t just personal concerns—they’re systemic issues. But change is possible.

Breaking the Cycle

One of the most powerful insights comes from research on “pluralistic ignorance”—the idea that people often misjudge what others believe. A study by the Behavioural Insights Team found that men believed only 65% of their peers would support a male colleague working flexibly. In reality, 99% would. That gap in perception stops people from speaking up.

Simply telling men that their peers support shared parenting increases their likelihood of doing it themselves. That’s why parenting out loud matters—it breaks the silence and corrects the myth that “real men” don’t flex.

Next Steps

If you’re a dad wondering where to begin, start with this:

• Talk to other dads. You are not alone.

• Be honest with yourself. What does success really look like for you?

• Plan ahead—at home and at work.

• Find support. Seek community. Share your experiences. Join the Parents and Carers network at work.

And remember: you have a chance to shape something bigger than yourself. Your children are watching. So are your colleagues.

#ParentingOutLoud is not just a hashtag. It’s a movement. It’s a call to redefine what modern fatherhood can look like—and to build workplaces and homes that support it. So, can dads have it all?

Maybe not everything, all the time. But they can have what matters most. And they don’t have to do it quietly.

Photo Credit: Brittani Burns via Unsplash