HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Men’s Flexible Working
Father’s Day shouldn’t just be about socks and real ale. It needs to be about men having the opportunity be active and hands on dads
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Of Men’s Flexible Working
As we get ready to mark Father’s Day, it worth reflecting on what dads really want.
We know a lie in would be good, socks even better and maybe a novelty selection of real ales. But in terms of the workplace, dads just want to have options. Options about how to organise their working lives, without being told that they can’t raise their children or that being a committed dad means you can’t be committed to work.
A New Generation of Dads
A whole new generation of men want to be much more actively involved in raising their children. They expect equality in the workplace and at home and they are frustrated when their needs and the needs of their families can’t be met.
In short they want to be great dads and have great careers.
GQ magazine found that the number 1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was “being a present father”.
Source: GQ Magazine
But it can be tough when this desire to be an active present father is dismissed or not taken seriously…
“Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.”
Source: Inspiring Dads Facebook Group
Dads are changing jobs to get what they want.
Daddilife and Deliotte Report - THE MILLENNIAL DAD AT WORK
Not all men or families are the same.
Income and childcare priorities change and for many heterosexual couples the certainty of a man being fully committed to his career, while a female partner takes on the majority of the childcare can give great comfort and certainty.
However we do an enormous disservice to society, the workplace and individuals when we assume that men don’t want to be fully involved as parents. That attitude is no more valid or helpful than assuming that women only want to stay at home and look after children.
Choices!
We need to allow couples to make genuine choices - both for their own benefit and for benefits of building gender diverse workplaces.
When we cannot tell whether a man or a woman is more likely to take parental leave or seek flexible working, gender ceases to be an issue in hiring and promotion decisions.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
As a man access to flexible work can be difficult to achieve. It can be seen as a perk of seniority or as something that solves a female childcare ‘issue’.
72% feared their employer’s reaction if they asked for flexible working.
Source: Workingdads.co.uk
But when it works well the benefits to the man, the family and their partner are clear to see as the ‘Good’ story of Susha and Magnus and will show. The example of the ‘Bad’ show how a lack of flexibility for Dads will cost businesses their talent and the motivation and good will of their staff. Finally the ‘Ugly’ shines a light on the type of casual dismissive bias that one man faced trying to access part time work. It shows how an attitudes towards men’s flexible and part time working desires can directly and negatively effect women’s aspirations.
Things will change but this Father’s Day we need to think about the next generation of Father’s Day.
“The current crop of male, mid-fifties business leaders are completely out of touch in respect to the changes to the role of the father that have taken place in the two decades since they were young dads.”
Source: Evening Standard
The Good - Susha and Magnus
Susha Chandrasekhar is a Senior Lawyer at the Department for Business.
Her husband is Dr Magnus Ryner, Professor of International Political Economy and Head of the Department of European & International Studies at Kings College, London
Their son is called Axel.
Susha kindly shared their story…
Flexibility for dads helps mums
“I am a lawyer working part-time which is demanding since my responsibilities include EU issues. Fortunately, my husband’s (more than) full-time work can be carried out flexibly. He comes into and leaves the office at different times, works from home, and catches up on things in the evenings on the days he does the school pick-up. My husband is an academic which helps but professors have to teach, attend meetings, supervise students, undertake research etc. which require a physical presence in the office or a library. It’s still a juggling act.”
Here are the top 7 ways in which my husband’s flexible pattern improves my life.
1. Morning mayhem
My husband does the morning shift and the school run. That pressure is off me as soon as I wake up which is always a good start. I do the evening routine of bath-book-bed.
2. School pick-up
My husband does two school pick-ups a week so there are least two days on which:
· I do not have to rush home and can deal with last minute work emergencies;
· My husband helps our son with his reading and maths homework; and
· There is dinner on the table for me when I come through the front door.
The other 3 weekdays on which I do the pick-ups, my husband gets these benefits in return.
3. Dealing with illness
Ian’s note
This is sometimes forgotten - flexible working is about care giving in many different circumstances and sometime none - flexible working should be for all.
It is not the default position that I drop everything and deal with a sick child. We see whose schedule is the more flexible. Sometimes it’s his.
4. Caring for Grandparents
There comes a time when our own parents need care. I value the chance to do this.
5. Finances
As we do the childcare ourselves, we do not need to employ a nanny which is expensive.
6. Reliability
If my husband says he will do something, he has the flexibility to do it. I feel assured it will be done without having to check up on it.
7. Frazzle factor
I can deal with the organisation of raising a child e.g. costumes, presents, dental appointments without too much stress. I also enjoy time with my family and friends instead of fretting non-stop about everything that needs to be done.
“No system is perfect and ours breaks down once in a while when the adventures of life are thrown at it. But one thing makes us truly happy. When our son cries out when he has a nightmare or has fallen over, he doesn’t just call for “Mummy, Mummy”, he calls for “Mummy-Daddy, Mummy-Daddy.” To him, we’re equally present, equally important. To us, his opinion is the most important one.”
The Bad - Losing Talented Staff
James wanted flexible working after the birth of his baby
He worked long hours for a private jet firm, but wanted more flexibility after his baby was born. While the official office hours were 9am to 6pm, in reality everyone was in the office until 8.30pm.
"If you didn't do that it was frowned upon. I was struggling," he says. He had been at the firm for four years and was one of its top sellers, so he asked for flexible working and expecting a positive response.
"I tried to talk to them several times, but it was always a blanket 'no' because they said others would want to do it too."
In the end, he quit, and now the 28-year-old works for his father's firm Bloomsbury Estates where he says he's happy to work at home on weekends to catch up from when he leaves early in the week.
Source: BBC website
Greg was on paternity leave
Greg was on 2 weeks paternity leave when he was asked to attend a work event - he explained that he couldn’t and was told he should “consider his priorities.” He did, remembered how toxic and destructive the environment was and left the business.
Better to upset your staff than consider flexibility?
“I can't work from home. I asked. I wasn't allowed a lap top so I had to reduce my hours in order to accommodate child drop off and pick up. They weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. Hard to have a dead stop as a recruiter but when I have to leave I have to leave as I need to get the train.”
The Ugly - Trying to Get Part Time Work
‘Phil’ tried to get part time work in SW England so that he could support his partner’s work expansion plans by taking on more of the childcare responsibilities, including looking after a boy on the autism spectrum.
He struggled badly in the recruitment process and ended up having to take a full time role.
Overqualified and bored?
Farcical the amount of times I have heard "overqualified" or "you would be bored" or "your skills wouldnt be used" in spite of yelling into peoples faces that I only wanted part time and 2 days a week would not be boring.
Could it be because you are a man?
It definitely is. One of the interviews I had I actually was told that I would probably be embarrassed being shown the systems by a 20 year old girl. "Considering my experience"
Unconscious Bias
As a footnote, the role I secured is the 1st full time role I applied for. But that was secured through a friend in recruitment who could see off the bias before it was made...
What do we need to do
Let’s forget the socks and real ale gift sets this year…
✅ Encourage and support dads to talk about the pressures they face.
✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.
✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok for men in the workplace to spend time with their kids.
✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.
Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.
Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?
Poor Work Life Balance contributes to poor mental health. But the solutions are out there.
More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.
3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.
"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December"
"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"
"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8"
How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?
The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.
Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.
But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels
GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".
While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.
It’s early days
The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.
Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.
“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”
Its pretty shocking.
Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.
Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.
This is what needs to happen.
✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.
✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.
✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.
Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.
Research backs this up…
It’s time to get help
As one guy in our FB group said
“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do.
But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."
It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.
Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.
Because you’re kids are only young once.
Mental Load - what does your partner say behind your back?
Dads, your work life balance is important, but so too is an understanding of ‘mental load’ and what you can do about it!
66 per cent of the GQ State Of Man survey respondents chose "being a present father" as the number one aspect of modern masculinity.
Source - GQ Magazine
But modern masculinity goes way beyond that.
Some of you will get it, for the rest of you this might be informative...
✅ Real men not only want to spend more time with their families, they understand and help with the mental load.
Its not just about your quality time with your children - life is a partnership and your presence has to be more than getting home on time and making great memories at the weekend.
Your role doesn't begin and end with money in the bank and feeling good about yourself because your kids love you and you get to work from home once a week.
It has to be about taking on the "burden" of life.
It's about pulling your weight, not waiting to be asked, about managing at home as well as at work.
*** In fact research from Germany found that when Men worked from home they actually worked longer and did less childcare than if they were 'at work' that day, by contrast women did more childcare than they otherwise would. ***
<<< This is what “Mental Load” looks like and generally men aren’t very good at understanding it and then doing something about it.
If you're wondering what your wife says behind your back this may be an eyeopener...
"I’m putting the kids to bed when my daughter says, what’s for tea? 🤔. It’s 8.15 and I feel raging tbh. I was out from 4-7 but I did just assume tea would be taken care of. Am I wrong?"
"I think it's time you had a chat about this situation. Ffs we do not live in the 18th century! Seriously if you have to go out to work, then the balance within the home needs to be altered too. Atm my oh is ironing whilst I am doing other jobs. If he did not help out with the kids/ housework etc I would just down tools."
Some partners think we're stupid.
"If I’m out for dinner I leave either something pre-cooked or easy to make (frozen that just needs sticking in the oven) & give him very clear instructions on what to do, but to be honest I try to feed them before I go out... otherwise I know he’ll just resort to takeaway."
This is what they want us to do...
"Men need to start taking on board the fact that women are not born with any special skills and that not only can men organise the home/kids/social life/etc, they should just do it without waiting to be asked. They shouldn't expect those tasks to be delegated to them by women. And whilst there are men who do this, they are few and far between"
Work Life Balance
As a Working Dad, getting your work life balance right is really important but there's bigger purpose here - it's about the fundamentals of your life in partnership as a couple.
If you are just focused on your personal work life balance you are really missing a trick when it comes to your overall family and relationship happiness.
I don’t believe men are inherently selfish. Many of us were raised in households where mum did most, if not all, of the domestic chores and there’s plenty of research to show that men - and women - tend to repeat the example they were brought up with. But that also means it’s on us to set an example for our kids and muck in with the menial jobs.
Evidence also shows that the couple that puts out the bins together stays together. So it’s worth having a serious conversation with your partner about housework. It might not sound like the most convincing pillow talk but it will help you have a more mature and stronger bond.
One client, let’s call him Toby, told me…
“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.
But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”
The modern dads mantra might be ‘don’t split up, split the chores’.
Engage with the mental load properly and your partner will be saying nice things about you to her friends behind your back.
Flexible Working - Not Just For Mums!
There’s an important pattern springing up of normalising flexible working for everyone.
Flexible Working - Not Just For Mums!
While we're basking in a bizarre mini heatwave I noticed a pattern springing up....
But this pattern isn't bizarre, it's just reflecting the fact that GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".
The pattern I spotted was one about the normalising of flexible working for Dads.
1️⃣ The closed FB group called "Flexible Working for Mums Like Me (Dad's Welcome)" became "Flexible Working for People Like Me"
Katy Friedman said this:
"What I've since come to realise is that by limiting the group to 'mums', I was actually perpetuating the problem and that in order for women to advance in their careers flexible working needs to be a shift in the fabric of the way we work for all, not just as a perk offered to women with childcare issues."
Link to the group - Flexible Working for People Like Me
2️⃣ The founder of Mummyjobs.co.uk, Daddyjobs.co.uk & FlexIsBest.com, Cheney Hamilton, announced that from the 1st March the sites would be moving under one umbrella called - Find your Flex.
3️⃣ The launch of workingdads.co.uk
Why does this matter?
A new generation of dads want much more involvement in their children’s lives and they don't just want to be ‘weekend parents’.
They expect equality at home and at work.
⭐ They want to be there for the moments that matter.
⭐ They want to spend more time with their families even if means sacrificing promotion and financial rewards.
"11% have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities."
Source - Working Families 2018
Not only do Dads want it...
but imagine the benefits to your life and your family's life if your partner could access the type of well paid, interesting job that she is easily capable and qualified to do.
She has a much better chance if her commitment isn't being permanently judged through a lens of childcare expectation.
Don't believe me?.... this is a real conversation that illustrates the bs that women have to put up with
"The most memorable moment that made me stop and pay attention that perhaps I wasn’t being judged purely on my ability, was the conversation I had with the company Chairman when being considered for a promotion and he “joked” that he was only considering me because he “trusted” that I wasn’t just going to “run off and have babies anytime soon”. I was 27, engaged, and whilst not immediately planning a family, I knew it probably wasn’t too far off in my future. Yet I had to pretend that “no, no I’m a dedicated career woman, none of this baby nonsense for me” in order to pass his “test”."
Once we remove the ability of employers and society to judge which parent is most likely to request flexible working or parental leave then all options for organising our lives become possible.
So...
Your flexible working = happy Dad, heroic Father & supportive Husband
Here's a quick video of my top 3 things to consider when you are struggling with your work life balance:
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.