HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage
In common with so many couples, we experienced miscarriages. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott looks at the emotional impact of miscarriage and how we can improve support for men.
Freya is nearly 12 and Struan nearly 9, but in common with so many couples, we experienced miscarriages. Our first and third pregnancies ended in early term miscarriage. In this important guest blog post, psychotherapist Noel McDermott looks at the emotional impact of miscarriage and how we can improve support for men. Many men can experience an acute emotional response to the loss of a pregnancy, and it is important to create space for their own experience. Here Noel looks at how loss is a natural process that needs a support approach as we pass through its stages.
Ian, Inspiring Dads
Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage
Probably the most important thing to say about this is not that men will or won’t get any particular set of feelings and experiences after a miscarriage, but that the focus will be more on the woman and and the man’s experience will be seen as secondary. Their experience may well be different to their partner, and this may increase the sense that it is secondary. Guys are likely to see themselves as having to be strong in these situations and showing vulnerability and distress as failing in their role as supporter.
Toxic masculinity - signs of psychological distress
We can say with certainty that men who don’t identify difficult feelings and find support for them, will usually turn to destructive ways of coping. Much of what is termed ‘toxic masculinity’ is an expression of psychological distress. In this case, the lack of identifying and dealing healthily with difficult feelings, can result in excessive drinking, aggression, isolation, loss of sleep, changes in appetite, seeking sexual relationships outside the partnership as ways to cope.
How to deal with feelings in a positive way
There is a need to provide basic information to men going through this and present it in straightforward ways, explaining that there are positive and negative ways of dealing with feelings brought up during times of loss and distress and it’s very much a decision to be made, in therapy this is called a psycho-educational resource. Much distress and the development of maladaptive coping strategies can be avoided by this simple approach, of giving knowledge about what to expect and what is normal in times of psychological challenge. Psychoeducation is in fact one of the cornerstones of modern therapy and is evidenced to be highly effective both in treating distress but also in preventing it.
“What can’t happen is to not have feelings. Men may want to put to one side uncomfortable feelings so as to be better at helping and supporting or just to avoid pain. Emotions cannot exist selectively, it’s not possible to choose which ones to have, we either have them or we don’t. Not having emotions involves highly dysfunctional behaviours such as for example, excessive drug and alcohol consumption.”
Normalising feelings and emotions
What is normal and indeed healthy in this situation will in fact be a broad range of things, normalising is another tool that is very helpful. Knowing what we are experiencing is normal leads to us developing greater distress tolerance and reduces the likelihood of maladaptive acting out. We cope better being able to tell ourselves that this is just part of the experience. If a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry, the range of things that might occur are:
Loss and loneliness
Anger and sadness
Numbing out through grief
Loss of libido or the opposite hyper-sexual responses
Feeling of guilt or the opposite displacement into blame
Problems with sleep, mood, emotional regulation, appetite, motivation, having a general sense of dread, not seeing a hopeful future
Struggles in the relationship as you seem to separate from each other in the hurt and loss
Male bonding: Men’s emotional health
Without a doubt the best therapy in life is the company and support of other humans that we care about and who care about us. The herd is where we feel safe and where we get most boosts from in terms of our health and wellbeing. Simply being in the company of folk we like when we are troubled will reduce our stress responses to our troubles. For men this is often the best approach, not dealing with the problem head on but in a roundabout way by having good social time with mates. Often guys will open up during these contacts but arranging to meet a mate to discuss their difficult feelings can often seem alien and indeed could be counterproductive. Activity based support often work better for men, the distraction of the activity reduces the tension of dealing with challenging feelings, particularly if, as is likely the case with miscarriage, there may be significant feelings of failure and shame.
How to support your partner after a miscarriage
Being able to be honest about how difficult a man is finding the loss, is often very helpful to their partner. Many men don’t intuit this as culturally they are not brought up so, but by actually revealing that you are struggling will help your partner and can in fact potentially reduce their own sense of failure and isolation. Though this won’t be true in all cases it is a general rule that is helpful. In this way the possibility of the relationship breaking up, which is the fear for the guy here, is reduced.
Male psychology as culturally programmed is to be of use, to be able to provide and do stuff, the more intangible support such as being rather doing can be experienced in an awkward manner. It’s an important skill in this though as loss is more of a natural process that needs little actual intervention as such, and more of a support approach as we pass through its stages.
About the Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott is a Psychotherapist with over 25 years’ experience in health, social care, and education. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home – www.noelcdermott.net
Where to get more help
The Miscarriage Society produces a leaflet for men simply explaining what they might experience during this time. It legitimises men’s experiences during this time and provides the information in a way that is accessible and emotionally manageable -
https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Men-and-Miscarriage.pdf
Watch Noel as a Guest on the Lockdown Dads podcast
Rhian Mannings MBE - Making a Real difference
In 2012 Rhian Mannings’ life suddenly and tragically changed when first her young son George died, followed 5 days later by her husband Paul. She then founded 2 Wish Upon A Star.
Rhian Mannings MBE - Making a Real Difference
In 2012 Rhian Mannings’ life suddenly and tragically changed when first her young son George died, followed 5 days later by her husband Paul.
In this important and uplifting conversation we explore how support was missing for bereaved parents like Rhian and Paul and how, what she imagined would be “hobby”, turned into a nationwide charity called 2 Wish Upon A Star providing immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.
We learn about the importance of the elephant in the bereavement box (and in the room) and discuss “masculinities” and how they have an impact on how and when men seek out the help they need.
Plus we scatter some celebrity stardust from the likes of Sam Warburton, Will Champion, Nick Knowles and Michael Sheen.
Contents
01:00 Spring, getting out the house in Wales, rugby and the importance of sport
03:10 Why The Great Escape is analogy for how James feels
05:40 Rhian’s path to founding 2 Wish Upon a Star. Losing George and Paul.
“Over the next few days, what was clear, very quickly, was that there was no support available to us as a family. We were very much abandoned by the system really. Luckily we had amazing family and friends around us, we were lucky in that respect.”
07:00 Starting the charity - I just needed something to keep me going.
08:30 Lacking support, Paul blamed himself.
“We got a piece of paper with some phone numbers on, some of them were out of order and I'm still waiting for the rest of them to contact me today.”
09:40 Going into A&E departments and asking for the person in charge
“And I said, what will happen today? If a child died suddenly? And the same thing that happened to us would have happened to them.”
11:00 Finding the strength to tell her story
12:30 Ian talks about his friendship with Paul and the first time he met Rhian
14:15 Reflecting on bereavement and how different families have coped with lockdown
15:00 Keeping 2 Wish Upon A Star going during lockdown
16:40 The elephant in the room - memory boxes and remembering
“When George died, I'll never forget the nurses just panicked because they couldn't find anything to perhaps take some fingerprints or hand prints or some, some of his curls.”
19:00 Paul felt like he’d failed everyone
“You know, his exact words to my sister at one point was “Daddies, shouldn't let their children die” “
21:00 Multiple masculinities and the pressure men can feel
23:00 Supporting dads - the importance of sport in the charity’s work.
24:30 The Welsh rugby team - role models for mental health
26:00 Celebrity Ambassadors - Will Champion and Nick Knowles
27:00 Super actor Michael Sheen unveiled as new ambassador!
Tips
Photograph your kids asleep (!)
Recognise when you nee to plug your battery in
Understand that reaching out the help is not a sign of weakness, it is often a sign of strength.
———————————-
Connect or contact with Rhian and her charity
In conversation with Coldplay's Will Champion
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay.
Champion of the World
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay. In this episode of Lockdown Dads, we discover how a focus on their relationships has been as important as the music, what work life balance means in a band when you have kids and what Will is looking forward to most when lockdown finishes.
Self described (with tongue in cheek) “soft rock dinosaur,” we find out how Will feels about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary - the good, the cringe-worthy and the comforting.
We explore how the pandemic has been for the band, for his family and sadness he feels for artists on the cusp of success - with momentum pulled from under them.
Will talks openly about family, fatherhood and masculinity - the similarities between his role as a dad at home and his role in his second family where fortunately no one is a frustrated frontman!
Luck, personalities, hard work and a focus on relationships and above all else being grateful.
Contents
01:00 Definitely an air of optimism, a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for my kids.
01:50 Not touring with the last album turned out to be almost clairvoyant…
“We've managed to find a few moments to kind of play together and to record together, which has been brilliant. And so we're just sort of planning the next move really.”
02:45 We're lucky because we can afford to wait and we can we can choose the right time to do it for us
“I just feel so sorry for so many people, because momentum is a hard thing to kind of conjure up. And when you have it as a band or an artist or in any walk of life it's really good to try and grab it when you can. For so many people, that opportunity has been ripped away. So I think we're very lucky in this situation that we're in.”
04:00 Ian looking forward to the end of home school and binge watch Marvel films for the first time.
06:20 James - great weather, but an irritating Joe Wicks injury!
08:00 Will’s working dad status - father of three and freelancer
08:56 Olga Fitzroy is like Bruce Wayne. (Read more about her Parental Pay Equality campaign)
“Extraordinary sound engineer and producer by day and a politician and campaigner by night… she's brilliant.”
09:50 Children, touring and balancing family life with work.
“On the most recent tour we did in 2016, the Head Full of Dreams tour, I think the longest I was away from my kids and my wife at any one time, it was about two weeks. it takes a lot of planning and it takes a lot of organization, but ultimately it's what keeps us happy and what keeps us able to commit and to really throw ourselves into the music.”
12:40 Being in a band is like being in a family.
“We realised early on was that in order to make sure that we were going to stay together, for the band to be healthy, we had to concentrate as much on us or the interpersonal relationships as we do on our music.”
Chemistry between band mates is the most prized possession that you have…
15:15 Too busy for boxsets, books and learning new languages
17:00 We talk about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary
“I think it's a lovely thing for people who like our music and like our band… what's amazing is to be able to see that the core, that was there at the beginning is still there. And I think that's the most important thing for me from that film is that I can just see the same people and the same friendship at the core of it.”
20:00 The secret to Coldplay longevity - dynamics, personalities, friendships and a bit of luck.
“I also think that quite often in bands, you get…. more than one person who wants to be at the front and in our band, that's absolutely not the case. We have three people who definitely don't want to be at the front, and one person who's really good at being at the front.”
23:30 Will’s lack of previous drumming experience - could Ian have been in Coldplay?
"I went to audition to get drum lessons and they said no, we can't teach you..."
25:30 It’s been tough for Will’s kids, especially his eldest.
27:30 Making memories and making the best of Lockdown - The Quarantine Bar at 5pm on a Friday.
30:45 Studio time, being productive and Brian Eno’s advice
32:30 Weekly zoom calls and very intense, but very productive 2 week slots of time.
33:15 Multiple masculinities - Will’s role as a dad v his role in the band
“I feel like my role in the band is quite a similar one to my role in my family. which is convenient”
“I suspect it makes for possibly… not the most exciting member of the band, but an important one, nonetheless.”
36:30 Ambition, competition and balance
“It's a lovely feeling to be part of a team that really works.”
38:45 What are we going to do first, when we’re allowed - Will visiting his dad plus
“Just going out for some food, I've had enough of my own cooking. I think I'd love for someone else to make me dinner.”
40:40
This week’s bumper selection of tips
Make a playlist, include The Scientist
“Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it would be this hard”
and some The Blue Nile plus watch out for James’ appearance on Steve Wright’s Golden Oldies on the 8th March.
For International Women’s Day read Annie Lennox’s piece on Feminism and dialogue with men
It’s Energy Switch time
Challenge yourself musically
Previously Will learnt Blackbird and during this lockdown has been learning to play Nimrod by Edward Elgar on the piano
Listen to podcasts
“I've been inspired by my wife who's been voraciously devouring podcasts, and I've never really got into podcasts until recently. And there were so many brilliant things that you can listen to now, things that are extremely niche and some that are very broad. So listen to more podcasts.”
———————————————
More reading and links
Annie Lennox (subscribe to read)
James’ review of previous guest Martin Robinson’s New Book
RIP George and Paul x
Special request
If you’ve enjoyed this content please consider making a donation to 2 Wish Upon A Star, a charity very close to the hearts of both Will and I.
Founded by Rhian Mannings, OBE and Pride of Britain award winner, in memory of her one year old son and husband who died within a week of each other in 2012.
2 Wish Upon A Star provides immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.
Thank you
Ian
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad…
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.
We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.
We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.
Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.
Contents
01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent
03:00 Ian and the “done” list
04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.
07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”
08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.
09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”
09:45
“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”
11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.
12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…
13:30
Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.
15:30
“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”
He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…
He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.
17:30 Taking massive and immediate action
18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity
19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.
21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.
24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.
26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand
Tips (27:00)
Bird watching for the soul
A selection of stoic maxims.
Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.
Nothing to excess.
Surety brings ruin.
Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld
———————————————————
More from Dan
WTF?! - a razor advert without any benefits or features?
What does Gillette’s advert say about modern day masculinity?
Outrageous!
You may have noticed that this week saw the arrival of a new razor advert. Personally I was upset that it didn’t feature any benefits or features that would help me decide whether my recent decision to use an electric razor was a good decision or whether I had inadvertently become part of a movement.
It is a confusing time to be a man.
I watched the advert without first being aware of the controversy, other than a vague awareness of a Twitter trend - which while interesting can easily be a world to itself.
Notepad and pen out I watched and made notes. I watched it 3 times. I even had a ‘moment’ when I thought about the man I continually seek to be.
Make no mistake it can be a confusing time to be a man - the certainty (and straitjacket) of physical prowess, sole provider for your family and emotional resilience at all costs is being eroded, but it is being eroded by men themselves, because for so many men they want something different - they want equality for their talented partners, they want to be actively involved in raising their children and most importantly they realise they have a choice.
Masculinity is no longer defined by being the breadwinner or having the ability to “man up”. By a distance – among every age of man questioned – everyone agreed that the two most important qualities for modern males were “being present as a father” and “being strong in a crisis”.
Source : GQ Magazine - The State of Man 2018
Passing on the right values
At its heart the Gillette advert it’s an inspirational message about how Dads teach their sons right from wrong, how they pass on the right values by their own actions.
It goes further than that because it works as a call to arms for a new generation. We don’t have to accept and tolerate the bad behaviour of a small number of others who have tarnished our good name. It encourages men to take back the agenda – a fight back against the legitimate punches of #metoo.
✅ Real men don't turn a blind eye to bad behaviour and just laugh it off.
✅ Real men stand up for their values.
✅ They are proud to do the right thing.
It’s true, I didn’t need a brand positioning advert to tell me that.
I also think it was a bit problematic putting children play fighting in the same advert as sexual assault. But I get what they are saying - behaviours are learnt at a young age and your children are watching. Boys will be Boys but that doesn’t stop us encouraging them to be better versions of themselves.
I believe that some men let all men down.
Men (and women) have excused bad behaviour in the past, to paraphrase -
“All it takes for bad behaviour to flourish is for good men to do nothing.”
Of course I could be wrong…
The dislikes on You Tube have hit 965,000 - up 1,000 in the time it’s taken to write this.
“One of the most disgusting adverts I've ever seen”
“This ad is full of ultra left toxic masculinity ideology feminist propaganda”
Need someone to take your work life balance seriously?
If you are one of the 66% of men who identify “being present as a father” as the #1 most important quality for modern males then you get my help with your work balance by scheduling a call with me.
Piers and the Papoose
Yep, being a hands on Dad IS masculine.
Don’t let Piers Morgan define what masculinity looks like
Yesterday on Twitter Piers Morgan caused a ‘storm’ with this tweet. Contrasting 007 with the actor who plays the part and directly inferring that his behaviour (carrying his daughter in a sling) was in some way not masculine and at odds with his most famous role.
If I’m being honest, I’m of the opinion that Piers Morgan and that other delight, Katie Hopkins, are to a large extent professional wind up artists. It’s a role they play on social media.
In which case they should be easy to ignore…
However, as John Adams points out in his excellent blog when someone with an audience, a profile and the opportunity to shape opinion expresses views which have the potential create a negative effect on society, then it’s absolutely right that those views are challenged.
There are enormous benefits for children when Fathers are hands on in their lives and while we are slowly moving towards a situation in western society where being a hands on Dad is becoming normalised and aspirational, there is still a long way to go.
Masculinity comes in many forms and it’s important that young men and women see and celebrate that part of masculinity that is being an active and involved Dad.
Until we have true equality in parenting it remains important to brave the shouty nuance-free opinions on social media and continue to challenge those views that imply that caring for your children makes you are less of a man.
Work life balance getting in the way of being a great Dad?
maybe you need our free guide?
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
Recent content
Blog Categories
Archive
- June 2025
- March 2025
- October 2024
- April 2024
- March 2024
- January 2024
- September 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- December 2022
- June 2022
- January 2022
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- March 2018
- June 2017
Building new foundations and thought processes are crucial to driving gender equality at work and at home.