Matt’s Story - Learning To Priortise Being Present.

Career, Dad and Husband

I am a recruitment professional with challenging, busy and responsible job, often requiring me to work long hours and travel. When my children were little, the country was in recession and my income took a fairly heavy hit. Not only did I experience the worry of my livelihood, I also had the challenge of playing the three roles that are very familiar to most working fathers - the need to maintain career progression, the role of dad and also husband. This is a well-worn path, but it is fair to say that you are neither fully briefed nor prepared for it- I certainly felt a lot of pressure to be ’10 out of 10’ on all sides which left very little time nor energy to do anything properly.

The Struggle To Balance Everything

The dreaded ‘triple shift’ became a massive issue for me. I was coming in late from work with a head full of the day’s challenges and ongoing worries about the future and then expected to start job number 2 when I walked through the door; it was right that my wife had some respite from childcare, but switching off professional mode straight into Dad mode was tiring to say the least. As my son, particularly, was a poor sleeper, I had no real choice but to support Kate with the night shifts too - I felt duty-bound to support with night feeds and settling my children and as a result spent a very long time living on 3-4 hours sleep per night.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

The net effect of this was obvious; I gradually became less and less capable of doing anything properly and felt depressed and anxious as a result. This was initially manageable with ‘mind over matter’, but overtime my performance at work suffered, as did my health. I gained c.2 stone in weight and lost any sense of personal well being. This in turn caused me to quit playing rugby which was an important outlet for me.

Learning To Live Better Lives

Fortunately, circumstances forced our hand. My wife was offered a part-time job (she is a teacher) and to cover the childcare, my boss allowed me to work part-time. This helped the business by reducing salary overheads and enabled my wife and I to gain a greater, first hand understanding of our relative lives at the time.

I learned how to be a stay-at-home dad (worth an essay in itself!) and my wife got to experience the balancing act that I felt I was experiencing. This change of perspective helped us massively and taught me how to be more natural with my children and worry less about work.

Bereavement, Exhaustion and Perspective

There were some other factors that changed my perspective; namely the tragic death of my mother, and also experiencing the impact of exhaustion. After a particularly challenging fortnight I collapsed in the office (I also had a series of bumps in the car) which made me take action. I made a commitment to myself to balance my work / life better and put less pressure on myself.

Mindset Change

Fortunately, during my time being a part-time worker, I met other parents whose priorities were different to mine and who were far more content with less. This took away my focus on earnings and my career.

Misplaced Loyalty To Work?

I also met a lot of people through work who had been made redundant during the recession. This had a major impact on me. I saw people who had outwardly done everything right; they had studied hard, got good jobs, prioritised careers and got to a point where they were earning really good money. They had put the company first despite the toll on their health.

When the economy turned, their companies let them go without any sentiment, in some situations without any form of parachute. This made me realise that despite what a company might do to look after people, when times get tough they will do what they have to do to survive; so in other words if you put work first to the detriment of life you might find yourself without either through no fault of your own!

Priorities And The Importance of Me Time

So essentially I made the decision to be more selfish with my time - if I go to sports day, the world will not stop turning. If I refuse a meeting a long way away, it’ll just get re-arranged at a more suitable time. If I get the train rather than drive, I’ll be home quicker etc.

I also trained as a rugby coach and now coach a successful women’s rugby team. This has been amazing for my personal sense of well-being. I have something that is just for me and whilst it does cause the odd argument at home, it stops my more negative behaviours that can self-sabotage at times.

My Life Now

Not perfect, but I’m more in control. Work-wise, I’ve accepted that I’m undergoing a sort of hiatus - my focus is less on my career, and more on my life as a whole. It’s true - I haven’t progressed my career, my earnings have stalled and I’m less fulfilled professionally, but I also have another 20 years to catch up, if and when I want to!

More Efficient And Effective

I’m far more efficient in what I do, more direct in the way I communicate with colleagues and far quicker to push back on demands I think are unreasonable. And guess what? I’m still effective in my job and delivering the results that are expected of me.

I Priortise Being Present

At home, I’m a much more present part of my children’s lives, and whilst I still miss out on a lot due to my working hours, I prioritise what is really important and my family appreciates that. The rugby gives me my ‘me time’ giving me a focus on a passion (and a team of 20+ women certainly keep me grounded!). The main area I need to further develop is my relationship – it’s very hard to keep a focus on that with so much else to do, but it’s a work in progress!

Matt’s Top Tips

• Consider your life holistically – there is no point ‘winning’ at work, and ‘losing at home’

• Your kids don’t care how much you earn. They care that you make it to their piano recital

• Be positive about your job. I moan far too much about work in front of my kids- I need to inspire them to see me as a role model, even though I don’t feel like one sometimes

• Find something you are passionate about and do it and protect it fiercely. It is not easy striking an appropriate balance, but your interests are important to you, and again, your kids will love this about you.

• If your company is not progressive, leave and don’t look back. They will leave you if they have to too. This might mean a pay cut, but provided this doesn’t impact you too much, it might be the best decision you ever make.

• Re-evaluate your status. There is no point being a Director with a fat salary at work, and inconsequential at home. Being a hero at home will make you happier!

 If you have a story to share like Matt’s or Will’s I’d love to hear from you!

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Does your 'life balance' work for you?

Does Your ‘Life Balance’ Work For You?

Photo credit @photoholgic via Unsplash

30 years ago, I don’t suppose anyone really talked about “Work / Life Balance”. Life was simpler. When I was growing up in a market town in Somerset, dads went to work and provided, and mums looked after the house and made sure everyone was fed.

Our dad pretty much worked for the same company for 30 years until he took early retirement on medical grounds.

Sure, our mum worked a bit. I vividly remember that she had a cottage industry of ‘making boxes’ – even 9-year-old me could tell the piece rate was ridiculously low and she was also a childminder for time too.

Life felt a bit uncomfortable in the early 1990s but somehow dad was one of 3 out of 30 or so ‘at risk’ to survive a redundancy round.

One thing is certain it never felt like dad was always ‘at work’.

The signs of a changing world

We didn’t know any gangsters, so my dad was the first person I knew who had Carphone (back when The Carphone Warehouse seemed like the obvious name for a business).

He was surveyor, out on the road in Somerset – calling in his reports over the phone to be typed up in the office. But despite the technology there was never any danger of being ‘always on’.

In fact, my dad even had flexible working – he scheduled his own diary of house surveyor visits and frequently made his schedule fit the away sports matches my brother and I were involved in on Wednesday.

To state the obvious, life has changed…

The pressures are different - our parents didn’t have to cope with emails on their phones, data at their fingertips. Everything requiring their action.

If you’re a working dad, it’s important to make sure your work life balance is right for you and for your family. Long standing traditional gender roles of Men = Provider, Women = Caregiver serve many couples very well and can provide certainty in life. Giving opportunities to experience deeply accepted elements of masculinity and femininity.

But it doesn’t work for everyone.

Maybe your partner wants to build her career and would prefer not to be tied to endless parenting ‘duties’?

“I am not a parent yet, nor have plans to be in the next couple of years… I'm particularly keen for my hubby to be a 50/50 parent. I already get push back from him how that will be difficult!”

Maybe you are one of the many men who wants to spend more time as a parent - even if this means foregoing progress at work.

It’s time to Assess Your Work Life Balance….

Ask yourself which category do you fall into?

Be honest - how do your family feel about your ‘work life balance’

A = Everyone is happy with my work life balance.

B = I’m happy with my work life balance, but my family aren’t.

C = My family is happy with my work life balance, but I’m not.

D = No one is happy with my work life balance.

(E = I’m not sure what they think)

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What does this mean for you and your family?

A – This is the perfect situation - everyone’s a winner.

Photo Credit @juniorferreir_ via Unsplash

🏆 It doesn’t matter how you do it - this is what you want.

It might be that you work long hours, doing a job that you love and that provides you and your family with the life you all want.

✅ Perfect! Keep doing what you are doing - make sure you don’t inadvertently slip into B though…

B – This could easily become an issue.

❌ Here’s a couple of warnings… to jolt you out of complacency.

Imagine it’s your work anniversary on LinkedIn… among the notes of colleague respect is a comment from your wife:

“Congrats, let’s catch up”

I hope you don’t need me to tell you you’ve got a problem here and it’s time to do something about it before you face what Toby' faced…

❌ Toby and his wife are separated and to a large extent due to a failure to sort out their work life balance.

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

B is not a good place to be.

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C - tricky one

Maybe your kids aren’t bothered if they see much of you as long as they get a new Xbox for Christmas?

Your partner likes the lifestyle you are able to provide.

If you want to reduce your hours, be more flexible or change jobs - how will this impact on your family - what you might see as good thing, they may only see the downsides.

✅ Open and honest conversations are key here - you need to be honest about how your current situation is affecting you.

✅ You will need understanding and practical and emotional support.

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D – what are you waiting for?

Time to do something different today!

E – Definitely time to find out

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Hopefully you've assessed your work life balance as an A, but as you can see above B and C aren’t great places to be.

Please don’t wait until the stress and anxiety gets too much, grab your free “5 Ways To Achieve Your Ultimate Purpose” download via the button below and make tangible steps to future that works for you.

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