Learning the Dad Role Without Losing Yourself

It's November, which means three things - International Men's Day, the release of the John Lewis Christmas Advert and another birthday for me (nearly a big one...)

This year's John Lewis offering hits hard for dads of older kids, especially sons. Our daughter is approaching 16 and our son is not far off 13 and the new advert forces us to recognise how connection and how we experience parental love (in both directions) changes with passage of time. Well worth a watch if you haven't already seen it.

Elliott Rae was on the BBC this weekend talking about how important International Men’s Day is, focusing on men's mental health stats such as 75% of suicides are men and how up to 2 babies a week will lose their fathers to suicide in the UK, but also highlighting the increasing prevalence of spaces and opportunities for men to talk about their challenges and normalise vulnerability. It’s why movements like Parenting Out Loud and organisations such as Dad La Soul and Dad Matters are so important.

You can watch Elliott's interview here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-DYNAvyHNw

It’s tough being a new dad

When you become a dad, lots of things change. You can read all the books you want, listen to loads of advice, and think you're ready, but no-one can prepare you for the immediacy of holding your first born for the first time and the life lessons really kick in when baby comes home. 

Suddenly, every hour feels like a big mixture of panic, joy, and exhaustion. You go from being an individual person as part of a couple to someone's protective provider and comfort. 

This stage can feel overwhelming, especially if you are also balancing your relationship, limited paternity leave and work, too. 

But with time, you realise that it's not about being perfect; it's all about making sure that you are showing up, being consistent and calm. In time you’ll develop confidence and break the damaging cycle that only ‘mum knows best.’

Let's have a look at some of the parts of this journey that sometimes get pushed to one side, especially from a dad's perspective.

The First Few Weeks: Survival and Small Wins

The first few weeks after your baby arrives, you might be feeling like you are in survival mode a little bit. You are learning how to take care of them, and you are probably worried about small things (!) like whether you're going to break them when you hold them. You're trying to figure out the reasons why they are crying, and you're trying to figure out all the little needs that they have. This is completely normal. 

On top of this, you and your partner are probably running on very little sleep, and patience can be running extremely thin. During this time, it is very normal to feel like you are doing everything wrong, but in fact, you are probably being exactly what you need to be for your baby. The smallest things that you do, such as holding them close or talking softly to them, are more important than you might think. You'll start to notice tiny problems that you never expected to come across. 

For instance, you might need to navigate jaudice or a tongue tie (as Lisa and I did), plus it can be worrying when your baby's lips start to peel or crack; it can look very alarming at first, but it's extremely common. Here's a good resource to check out: Newborn Chapped Lips: Causes, Treatment, and Prevention.

Knowing what is normal and when you do need to go and take a trip to your doctor can save you a lot of stress and late-night Google searches and if you have a second child, it almost always comes with a relief that it was largely ok the first time round.

Supporting Your Partner Without Burning Out

Your partner is going to be going through a lot during this time as well. She is going to be experiencing physical and emotional changes, especially in the first few months. You are probably not going to understand exactly what she needs, and she’s probably not going to understand either, which is perfectly fine. The best thing that you can do is to make sure you ask, listen, and take initiative to help as much as you can.

Handle a night feeding, stay on top of the housework, or take the baby for a walk so she can take a shower or have a nap. These might seem really small, but they can have a huge impact. 

At the same time, you also need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Many dads forget about looking after themselves, and they focus on the baby and their partner. However, some dads can feel anxious or experience burnout, especially when they have a newborn at home. Recent research by The Dad Shift and Movember found that 45% of UK fathers experience multiple symptoms of depression or anxiety in their baby's first year - far higher than previous estimates.

There's no way that you are going to be able to support your partner and your baby properly if you are trying to pour from an empty cup, so make sure you take time for yourself, too.

Finding Your Place as a Working Dad

Work doesn't just stop because you've become a parent; however, you will find that your priorities probably shift. You will start seeing your time completely differently. You might feel pressured to make sure that you are providing financially, but feel really guilty for missing out on bedtime. It can feel very hard to balance.

If you are feeling that pull between your career and home life, you are definitely not alone. Many working dads have struggles when it comes to finding a purpose beyond their paycheck. The key is to make sure that your influence does not depend on the hours that you are home; it depends on what you are actually doing with the time that you have at home.

and join the Parenting Out Loud movement!

When Things Feel Harder Than Expected

Even when everything seems fine, you might sometimes get a little bit of a feeling that you want to disconnect, or you might feel anxiety. Many dads go through quite stress after a baby arrives, but very few of them actually talk about it. 

You might feel a little bit distant from your partner or unsure about what your role should be or how you can support the family. If this sounds familiar, make sure you reach out for help. Do not do this on your own. 

Try talking to your partner honestly or connecting with another dad. Sometimes, just hearing the words "me too" is enough for you to feel like the pressure is eased. 

If you are really struggling, though, it is important for you to seek help from a therapist, counselor or a coach as they can help you to get this balance back in your life. 

You don't need to be somebody who is unshakable; the whole point is to make sure that you are open and willing to learn.

Conclusion

Becoming a dad definitely does not come with any sort of instruction manual. It is a slow period, but it can be messy while you are trying to learn the ropes, adjusting, and trying again. However, there is no need for you to get everything right. You just need to make sure that you care enough to keep trying time and time again. Your presence, your patience, and your willingness to grow as a family are exactly what is going to shape your child the most and help them.

Because often good enough is good enough.