HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
Does Fatherhood Deserve To Be Put On A Pedestal?
Does Fatherhood Deserve To Be Put On A Pedestal?
It’s an intriguing question raised by this Tweet from The Feminist Barrister
“Men who do half of the household chores, take care of the baby, pay their way, do emotional labour, are not special, they don't deserve a pat on the back, it should be normal.”
She has a point, in a world of gender inequalities at home and at work, the idea of eulogising dads for doing the very same things that, at best, pass as unnoticed when mums do them, can feel perverse, if not downright disrespectful.
But the word that caught my eye was ‘SHOULD’.
I totally agreed. It SHOULD be normal, but I think there’s a lot of merit in exploring why it might not be ‘normal’ and what we can do to normalise the type of active and involved fatherhood that everyone benefits from.
I’ll come right out with it; I think we do need to put fatherhood on a ‘pedestal’ - at least under some circumstances.
In my line of work, I’m always thinking of ways to help my dads’ work out how to balance work and fatherhood, to solve the challenge of “How to be a great dad, without sacrificing a great career,” and, crucially to recognise and address the barriers that stop dads being “the father they don’t remember growing up.”
I created a poll on LinkedIn and asked
How should society treat involved, equal fathers?
You can join the conversation here.
My options were
1. Celebrate Them
2. Ignore Them
3. It’s Complicated
There were a couple of great builds from Katie “Normalise It” and Elliot “Support Them.”
Frustration
Alison expressed her frustration at the unequal nature of expectations:
“Do we celebrate women today who do all this and more? It should just be normal to share chores, take part in family life and more. We can show our appreciation individually. It just reminds me when my husband does something we all have to be in awe when I seem to do that stuff day in day out 😂 no celebration. No badges of honor.”
While Emma echoed the sense of disrespecting women by celebrating men.
“ 'celebrate' them seems a little insulting to the women who do this day in day out and don't get it recognised let alone celebrated. But yes, definitely support them is the right way to approach this, so it becomes normal for all.”
Normalising
Normalising was also important to Lizzie who talked about positively reinforcing the behaviour we want to see. While Venise talked wrote about “normalizing normal, until it IS "normal”
Social Expectations
Sean picked out the importance of social and family barriers, as well as the importance of encouraging pioneers who want to change how society has told them they should be.
In my mind, this is the crucial part…
With the ONS reporting in July 22 that 83.9% of men are working full time v 38.4% of women, we can’t divorce what men do domestically, from what they are ‘expected’ or perceived to be expected to do at work.
“Most cite fears of being discriminated against professionally, missing out on pay rises and promotions, being marginalised or even mocked as reasons for not taking time off.”
Paternity leave, the hidden barriers keeping men at work.
And this cuts both ways…
“When I first met Lisa, I didn’t think she had kids, because I didn’t think a mum could do this job”
Gender Judgement
And spills over into judgement about men who don’t work. As Laura talks about her husband
"I've lost count of the comments he gets about the fact he is not undertaking paid work while he cares for the children. He is also sadly still one of the only men at many parent events and has been since the kids were babies at play groups."
Unhelpful judgements are everywhere
· Mums ‘damaging’ their children if they are in nursery too early or for too long.
· But ‘damaging’ them if they don’t have the social exposure to childcare settings.
· Talking about nursery fees in the context of mum’s income rather than family income.
· ‘Lazy’ SAHD dads who aren’t providing and get treated with suspicion.
The truth is that society’s bar for ‘good’ fatherhood is set too low and too narrow to the detriment of too many, while I think the opposite is true for motherhood.
What is normal?
“Men who do half of the household chores… it should be normal”
Frances Cushway and I explore the complexity what ‘normal’ looks like for individuals and relationships in our webinar
“The Home Contract – Managing Second Shift and Mental Load Challenges”
When we think about household chores, it is often through the prism of second shift activities and in that regard, research suggests that in heterosexual relationships, doing half isn’t normal and it also depends on what the task is.
Doing half is much more than the second shift, we also need to consider the mental load, the hidden, often unseen, emotional and cognitive labour.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
Building Pedestals at work
In a world dominated by damaging gender expectations, 2 weeks of statutory paternity leave (and nothing for the self-employed) and the fear of being seen as uncommitted at work, we absolutely do need to put fatherhood on a pedestal and celebrate and support dads who seek to normalise the domestic equality that we need in society.
No, I don’t think we should be handing out participation medals at home, but in the workplace celebrating fatherhood really matters if we are to reframe the conversation about parenting and ‘commitment’ and improve gender equality in the workplace.
Workplaces need to use policies such as equalised parental leave as an enabler to drive culture change. To encourage and support dads to take extended leave, to work flexibly or part time and to build the skills, experience and empathy that solo parenting inevitably brings.
When fear, circumstances or expectation prevent dads from seeking out extended parental leave or flexible working it reinforces the idea that caring responsibilities are only for women and frequently we end up with domestic inequalities that manifest themselves as a two-speed race at work where some runners face very different hurdles to success.
Conclusion.
Let’s go back to the premise - does fatherhood deserve to be put on a pedestal?
My view, absolutely at work. #Equalitystartsathome, but the foundation for that equality is built by the culture in the workplace.
When we celebrate active and involved fatherhood at work and support new dads through maternity and beyond, we break the reality and perception of a two-speed system and start to remove the fatherhood fear that so that so many dads worry about.
"Simply telling men that their peers support parental leave and flexible working, increases their intention to share care."
Your next steps…
Contact me to discover our range of webinars and workshops or to talk about coaching support for new dads.
Join my next free webinar "Why Supporting New Dads At Work Is the Route to Gender Equality", on Tuesday 24th January
PS Why not connect and follow some of those, whose wisdom and insight, I have tapped into here.
Elliott Rae Laura McCambridge Lizzie Martin PCC Alison Main Emma Banister Sean Coffin Frances Cushway Katie Tucker K. Venise Vinegar Dorothy Dalton Daniel Bailey (Assoc CIPD)
"Supporting Dads to Make Brave Decisions..."
Championing New Dads At Work - Edition 3.
This week I’m a guest on the Big Careers, Small Children Podcast from Leaders Plus and lots more
“Supporting Dads To Make Brave Decisions…”
Championing New Dads At Work (Edition 3)
This weekly newsletter saves you time and effort by providing you with a range of resources, inspiration and topics related to fatherhood and equality.
Each week I will share content around the Inspiring Dads' 5 Pillars of "Championing New Dads at Work"
These 5 pillars go to the heart of how I help HR leaders support their new dads, enhancing gender equality at home and at work, improving well-being, performance and culture.
The hidden barriers keeping men at work
“Most cite fears of being discriminated against professionally, missing out on pay rises and promotions, being marginalised or even mocked as reasons for not taking time off.”
BBC REPORT - Paternity leave: The hidden barriers keeping men at work
If you want to understand more about why supporting new dads is the route to gender equality, then you'll need to join me live and for free next Tuesday, 28th June.
"Why do we need to coach dads?”
It's a pretty common question when budgets are tight, maternity leave provision is much more generous and retaining female talent is a pressing issue.
Let these women's words educate you on the pressures faced by dads and positive impacts that coaching can drive...
What pressures did your partner face before starting the coaching?
"Work life balance and a lack of sleep"
"Work life balance, financial implications and being the ‘perfect’ dad"
"A very demanding job and commute, feeling guilty about not seeing enough of me and our son, not feeling as though he was supportive enough of us."
What positive changes have you seen IN HIM as a result of the coaching?
"More conversations about shared responsibility"
"Better mental space, accepting that there is no such thing as a perfect dad, accepting that I would know the kids a little better and how to look after them."
"More open to discussing the difficult topics, more of a team player, more self-awareness."
How have these positive changes improved YOUR life?
"Greater appreciation of what's needed to make us happy as a family of four."
"A lot calmer with the twins, better work life balance, realising that he can do it all."
"We have much more open communication about managing family life and our priorities. I feel like we are sharing the load a lot more which has been a huge relief for me, and I feel much more optimistic about our future as a family"
Join the free webinar next week and learn why we can't just assume that dads are ok, and why supporting new dads at work is the route to gender equality.
Live and for free next Tuesday, 28th June.
The New Dads Accelerator
Our 5 week group course creates safe supportive spaces for "first year fathers", blending online course content with group video calls to learn, reflect and share.
This is what our graduates say:
"A clearer plan of how to pave the way forward."
"I am more resilient and reflective."
"Taking time for myself after a day at work"
"More clarity on holistic management of life with a new child. More oversight of personal and long term goals"
"I would strongly encourage new dads to access The New Dads Accelerator. It provides a focused and fresh approach to the dynamics of fatherhood. I feel lucky to have accessed this course after birth of our second child. My only wish is that I'd accessed the course after the birth of our first."
Patrick, GP Partner in London
Big Careers, Small Children.
Episode 86 of the Leaders Plus Podcast "Big Careers, Small Children" is out now and I join host, Verena Hefti, as we discuss:
"Supporting Dads to Make Brave Decisions, Removing Barriers Around Shared Parental Leave & Why Gender Equality at Home Influences Work "
In this episode we cover
How dads can be brave and go beyond social expectations.
How to deal with the inevitable judgement from yourself and your peers when you challenge expectations.
Gender equality at home and work and how they influence each other.
What organisations can do support dads to take shared parental leave and how to remove barriers.
What men really talk about and why most men are more supportive of change than you might think.
Why when you connect men together to share stories and experiences it’s incredibly powerful.
The one thing every dad can do to move closer to the work/home setup they’d really like.
The huge pressure faced by dads who are the main breadwinner but who also want to be present parents.
Click here to listen:
https://www.leadersplus.org.uk/big-careers-small-children-ian-dinwiddy-inspiring-dads/
"Equal Parental Leave Rights, Enshrined In Law, For All."
It's my vision... writ large here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/why
As Joeli Brearley, Founder at Pregnant Then Screwed wrote over the weekend
"Paternity leave in the UK is an embarrassment. 10 measly days for £318. It’s as if people think caring for children is a woman’s job.. ehem.
Today, we are releasing the findings from our survey which show that 1 in 4 dads & non-primary carers don’t even use their full entitlement due to pressure from work & financial issues, and even if they do, a quarter continue working whilst on leave due to pressure from their employer.
Meanwhile, 80% say they don’t have enough time to bond with their baby. They don’t have enough time to get to know their own child. That’s devastating, isn’t it? And as a result, almost half say they experienced a new mental health issue."
Joeli was in parliament yesterday making the case to the House of Lords for dads to get 6 weeks paternity leave paid at 90% of salary as part of the Pregnant Then Screwed campaign - Let’s Talk About Six.
Want to build better?
Join over 100,000 others and sign the Pregnant Then Screwed petition here
"Make parental leave equal for mothers and fathers."
I hope you enjoyed this week's content, feel free to share with your friends and colleagues! and If you have content, an event or an article you think my audience would want to learn about, then do let me know here.
MORE INSPIRATION
Gender diversity is good for the bottom line.
Championing New Dads At Work - Edition 2.
“Companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on executive teams were 25 percent more likely to have above-average profitability… “ and much more
Gender diversity is good for the bottom line.
Championing New Dads At Work (Edition 2)
This weekly newsletter saves you time and effort by providing you with a range of resources, inspiration and topics related to fatherhood and equality.
Each week I will share content around the Inspiring Dads' 5 Pillars of "Championing New Dads at Work"
These 5 pillars go to the heart of how I help HR leaders support their new dads, enhancing gender equality at home and at work, improving well-being, performance and culture.
“Companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on executive teams were 25 percent more likely to have above-average profitability than companies in the fourth quartile”
McKinsey 2019
That's pretty punchy evidence as to why gender diversity is a good for the bottom line.
If you want to understand why supporting new dads is the route to this type of gender diversity return on investment, then you'll need to join me live and for free in our next webinar
A unique book - the first of its kind, Hypnobirthing book for dads.
Hypnobirthing was a big part of our preparation in advance of first becoming parents back in 2010. I can still remember Marie Mongan's tranquil, dulcet tones and breathing exercises.
Now the team at DaddiLife have launched a new book called:
A Positive Birth: The Dad's Guide To Hypnobirthing & Becoming A Confident Birth Partner
Han-Son Lee, Founder of DaddiLife had this to say
"A huge motivation for the book has been to challenge the all too common birth conventions where dads are confined to a passive role when it comes to birth (a chair in the corner is something we hear all too often), alongside the shocking stats that 1 in 3 women experience significant birth trauma which often drives post partum issues later on. A Positive Birth is all about how dads can be true birth advocates for their partners, and we've interviewed over 20 hypnobirthing dads to help other dads on their hypnobirthing journeys and how they've strengthened their relationships with their partners."
Help men to move away from just being "Dad", the person in the corner. You can get your copy here (not an affiliate link)
The New Dads Accelerator
Our 5 week group course creates safe supportive spaces for "first year fathers", blending online course content with group video calls to learn, reflect and share.
This is what our graduates say:
"A clearer plan of how to pave the way forward."
"I am more resilient and reflective."
"Taking time for myself after a day at work"
"More clarity on holistic management of life with a new child. More oversight of personal and long term goals"
"I would strongly encourage new dads to access The New Dads Accelerator. It provides a focused and fresh approach to the dynamics of fatherhood. I feel lucky to have accessed this course after birth of our second child. My only wish is that I'd accessed the course after the birth of our first."
Patrick, GP Partner in London
"Unhappy Father’s Day: the dad-shaped hole in UK postnatal services"
Yesterday the Fatherhood Institute published the fifth in a Contemporary Fathers in the UK series of evidence reviews, funded by the Nuffield Foundation. Packed full of data such as
"Two-year-olds’ cognitive development is better and they display fewer behaviour problems when their father’s early caregiving or play has been frequent, regular, positive in tone or engaged and active."
And...
"New mother’s mental health is poorer when she does not feel supported by her baby’s father or when he is less available at home than other fathers."
It uncovers the 2nd class status of men within maternity system and makes four key recommendations for how policy and services could be improved
including
All tax-funded services and interventions for families in the perinatal period should be commissioned, designed, delivered, promoted and evaluated in ways that recognise fathers’ own need for support... and their impact on children and mothers.
Have a look here:
http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/2022/unhappy-fathers-day/
Can you help with a bit of market research?
The team at the excellent Book of Man online platform are looking for people (not just men) to complete a 4 minute survey looking at the portrayal of male caregivers on TV and Screen.
Co founder Mark Sandford posted this on LinkedIn
"A new study by the Geena Davis Institute on gender in media and Equimondo has found that 'male care givers on our TV and film, screens are disproportionally depicted as incompetent, abusive or absent' - which is frankly a dangerous stereotype trope that The Book Of Man is committed to change. Coupled with over 75% of men saying they can't relate to advertising targeting them, we thought it was time to delve a bit deeper and see what you think. The survey below takes the same time as a proper cup of tea to brew (4 minutes), but would really help move the conversation forward."
https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HN275GK
I hope you enjoyed this week's content, feel free to share with your friends and colleagues! and If you have content, an event or an article you think my audience would want to learn about, then do let me know here.
Photo Credit @sharonmccutcheon via Unsplash
MORE INSPIRATION
Introducing... "Championing New Dads At Work"
Championing New Dads At Work - Edition 1 .
This weekly newsletter provides you with a range of resources, inspiration and topics related to fatherhood and equality.
Introducing… Championing New Dads At Work
Championing New Dads At Work (Edition 1)
This weekly newsletter saves you time and effort by providing you with a range of resources, inspiration and topics related to fatherhood and equality.
Each week I will share content around the Inspiring Dads' 5 Pillars of "Championing New Dads at Work"
These 5 pillars go to the heart of how I help HR leaders support their new dads, enhancing gender equality at home and at work, improving well-being, performance and culture.
Fathers Day
In the UK, our Fathers Day is fast approaching - Sunday 19th June. Many weeks ago, when I was buying T20 cricket tickets for us and another family to watch Middlesex v Kent at Lords I was surprised to find one of the 4 adult tickets was a fathers day freebie. Winner!
But Fathers Day isn't just about free slog fest cricket tickets, comedy socks or multi packs of craft ales. It's about talking about real dad stuff - the pressures, the emotions and fears. I have four speaking events in the week either side of Fathers Day. One's a panel event where I'm the moderator and a couple are a blend of presentation and interview style - getting real with "a real dad", not that I'm a fake dad of course, but one who doesn't talk about UK Government's Behavioural Insights Team (BIT) research...
The best thing about all of this is that in two examples I'm talking to men to set it up.
This is actually quite a big deal.
The chairs or co-chairs of the "Working Parents Crew" or the "Family and Carers Committee" are inevitably female. Meeting dads who are taking on those roles, while clearly not being ground breaking per se, is a pretty big step forward towards gender equality.
Message from Joeli Brearley, founder of Pregnant Then Screwed
Your support is needed
"DADS (and secondary caregivers), we need 10,000 of you to fill in our survey so we can make a stink about paternity leave. We have the least generous paternity pay in Europe. Paternity leave is so god-damn important but our legislation, and antiquated company policies prevent dads from taking time out to care for their child.
For every month of paternity leave taken by a dad, a mother’s wages rise by 7%. The same can be said for same sex couples, where one is the main carer. If dads spend time with their children in those early days, research shows that families have higher rates of well-being, kids do better in the education system and couples are 40% more likely to stay together.
In collaboration with the Trade Union Congress we are collecting data to better understand what is happening to new dads at work, and what changes you want to see both in terms of policy & workplace practice, so that we can lobby on your behalf.
If you are a dad please fill this in.
If you know a dad please send him the link here:"
Ever felt isolated as a dad?
It's pretty common feeling in my experience, but it doesn't have to be that way, join my friend Jago Brown to talk about fatherhood and isolation on Tuesday June 14th at 6pm UK time.
Equality Starts at Home is a movement for change and are changing outdated stereotypes and expectations about who does the work at home and why.
They want men to join them to talk about their experience of fatherhood and parenting. Help them to guide they work so they can include more men in the conversation.
Email equalitystartsathome@gmail.com to register.
The session includes a guest speaker from the inspirational Dad La Soul joining to talk about all the benefits of Dad's groups, and why and how to get involved.
The Queen of Kings
Yesterday I went live with with Fiona Ross in Episode 7 of her "No More Pea Soup" show. Fiona is "the Queen of Kings", a transformational men's coach, mentor and trusted advisor to high achieving men who, from the outside, appear to have it all; on the inside, their truth is very different.
We covered some important cultural and societal pressures that men and dads face and I talked about what I have learnt about how to support dads, both from my own experience and that of my clients.
#Flexforall
One of the key themes to building a more gender equal society is to embed flexible working opportunities for everyone. When we remove the sense that flexible, remote or part time working is a 'perk for mums', then we go a long way to supporting individual and family choices.
On Tuesday 24th June I was a guest at Parliament for the 1st Annual Working Dad Awards. As part of the event Suffolk County Council presented a case study into how they approached flexible working.
1) They identified 8 types of defined ways of working flexibly.
2) All job adverts had to list all 8 types as being available.
3) The only way to change the job ad was via formal submission
Outcome - 50% of women and 30% of men at Suffolk County Council work part time.
That is massive!
I hope you enjoyed this week's content, feel free to share with your friends and colleagues! and If you have content, an event or an article you think my audience would want to learn about, then do let me know here.
Photo Credit @wildlittlethingsphoto via Unsplash
MORE INSPIRATION
Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters
What it means to be good ally? How Brian’s own family were a prompt to volunteer in diversity and inclusion voluntary work and why men must be involved if we aren’t just creating inclusion echo chambers.
Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters.
Brian Ballantyne, Co-Founder of Men for Inclusion, author of “Confessions of a Working Dad” and one time Babycenter moderator joins James and Ian in Episode 37 of Lockdown Dads.
It’s an open and honest discussion in which we discuss what it means to be good ally, how Brian’s own family were a prompt to volunteer in diversity and inclusion voluntary work and why men must be involved if we aren’t just creating inclusion echo chambers.
Plus “Centrist Dads”, burnout and recharging batteries and how to argue well.
Contents
01:00 A tough week for Brian - lessons in boundaries, batteries and burnout
04:30 Balancing family and personal priorities
06:00 Ian has been shooting video content +
07:00 Social media and men’s attitudes to women’s personal safety
08:00 Ian forgets about James
09:30 James reflects on a bad week for gender equality
11:30 Being a Babycenter moderator
12:45 Dad culture - the time when Brian’s CEO stalked him on Foursquare
14:30 Family influence on diversity and inclusion work.
15:10 Women in Technology echo chambers
17:00 How Male Allies for Gender Equality became Men for Inclusion
19:45 We discuss what allyship means
Tips
23:10
James has been reading Conflicted: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together
Q. What is a Centrist Dad”
Ian recommends previous guest, Rachel Vecht’s quick video on how to extract information from your school age children!
Brian talks about cherishing the small moments
————————————-
Connect with Brian
https://www.linkedin.com/company/menforinclusion/
https://www.e2w.co/men-for-inclusion
https://www.linkedin.com/in/brian-ballantyne-336754/
Photo Credit @hannahbusing via Unsplash
Guys, you aren't alone - your struggle is normal.
You don’t need to face your work life balance alone
If you’re a dad and you’re struggling with your work life balance, it’s important to know that you can get help.
Life can be better!
Generally, society still tends to expect dad to be ‘provider’ and mum to be ‘carer’.
We talk about dads ‘babysitting’ when they are just being parents.
Mums will get asked “who will be looking after your children when you go back to work?”
But times are changing
New dads don’t necessarily want to spend their paternity leave checking their email before starting their new role of trying desperately to be home for bathtime and worrying about what they are missing out on.
They want to be there to share time with their families. Where possible, they want flexible working arrangements and they are finding out what mums have always known - it’s hard to have it all.
BTW… This isn’t a pop at you
I know some of you are reading this and it’s got your back up.
This bloke is having a pop at me.
I work hard to provide a great standard of living for my family, I make sure the time I spend with my family is quality time.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not saying that you shouldn’t be at work earning a living to provide for your family.
Hell, someone needs to earn the money and if your work life set up works for you that’s awesome.
In fact drop me an email and share your story and inspire others.
Nah, i’m not talking to you.
To be fair I’m talking to the bloke who’s feeling the stress, the anxiety, the pressure of a work life balance that is failing him and his family.
It’s time to get it sorted.
Your problem is their problem
We run a private Facebook group called “How to be a Great Dad AND Have a Great Career”.
When guys like you want to join and get some support, one of the questions we ask is
What do you hope to get from being a member of this group?
✅ "Ideas for practical things I can do to achieve that balance between my career and being a co-parenting dad."
✅ "I would like to be able to share tips and advice with other dads have are feeling the same pressures in their day-to-day life that I am."
✅ "Insight and tips on work life balance."
✅ "Discuss how to get the work / life balance that I need...maybe get inspired to take my career in a more fulfilling direction."
✅ "To see potential work-life balance problems coming before they hit, learning from other dad’s who’ve been there and taking their advice preemptively."
✅ “Seeing how other Dad's have made a good deal of difference to their own happiness, as well as that of their kids.”
✅ “Learn how to have a better work live balance.”
If those sound like the type of thoughts you’ve got in your mind it’s time to join us.
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
Recent content
Blog Categories
Archive
- June 2025
- March 2025
- October 2024
- April 2024
- March 2024
- January 2024
- September 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- December 2022
- June 2022
- January 2022
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- March 2018
- June 2017
A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.