5 Practical Tips to cope with the Impact of Fatherhood

Practical Impacts of Fatherhood aka “You don't know what you don't know”

Becoming a dad for the first time can be tough, it doesn’t matter how many books you read you can’t know or be prepared for everything.

This blog post walks you through 5 common practical impacts of fatherhood and gives you tips to navigate your way.

·         Sleep Deprivation

·         Social Life

·         Discrimination

·         Money

·         Mental Health

1) Sleep Deprivation

Did you know that babies aren't considered physically able to sleep through the night until they are at least 6 months old? Sure, you can get lucky - our first, Freya was an amazing sleeper, but she screamed all day due to her reflux!

While our babies can’t prioritise sleep, adults have a lot more control, but sometimes sleeping doesn’t appear to be a good use of our time and there is a danger that you put your entertainment time ahead of sleep in the evenings. Yes, we all need to unwind, but allowing that to eat into sleep time is going to counterproductive. 

Consider my client Andy's observation:

"If you can prioritise you and your partners ability to sleep then a lot of the other things fall into place, it makes the hard stuff easier with a clear head.  If you're both sleep deprived, it makes even the minor issues trigger points for disagreement."

While the excellent and thought-provoking book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker reminds us of the importance of sleep.

"It enhances your memory, makes you more attractive. It keeps you slim and lowers food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks and stroke, not to mention diabetes. You’ll even feel happier, less depressed, and less anxious."

2) Social Life (or not)

Photo Credit: @alevisionco via Unsplash

New parents’ lack of social life is a cliché for a reason. Life has changed, it won't be forever, but always remember that babies do not respect a hangover.

You need to think about three things

• "Putting your oxygen mask on first"

• Is it fair?

• Time together

You need to look after yourself to be able look after other people. As they say when you fly, put your own oxygen mask on first. It's important to understand what social life / hobbies you need to stay happy and grounded. Then talk to your partner about how to arrange it and fit it in.

Think about fairness too. 

When is your partner getting a break? Are you facilitating that process? If your partner says they don't want to do anything social, do you take the easy way out and stop asking or do you do everything you can to give them their own space? It can be very easy for new mums to put everyone else's needs first; part of your ‘job’ is to make sure that doesn't happen.

Consider the impact if you're pursuing your hobbies and social life and your partner isn't. It's a sure-fire way to create serious relationship tension.

Time together

It can be tricky in the early days to get time together away from your baby, but even if it's just for a few hours, while someone covers a nap, I guarantee the feeling of being partners and not just parents can be amazing if you let it. 

Don't worry if you find yourself using that time to talk about your baby, we all do it!

Most importantly social life as a new parent requires planning and communication to ensure everyone gets the time "off" that they need, plus I think it's important to recognise and embrace how friendship groups change. You are going to find yourself becoming mates with the dads of your children's friends, embrace it!

3) Discrimination

There are split views on this – the TUC found a fatherhood bonus with dads getting promoted / earning more once they are fathers. Yet there is also research by remote meeting tech firm PowWowNow finding that dads also experience discrimination if they take time off to look after children:

👉 44% of fathers experienced discrimination in the workplace after exercising their right to take time off to look after their child. 

👉 1 in 4 fathers suffered verbal abuse or mockery after taking time off to look after their children.

It’s really tough to be a woman though

Pregnant Then Screwed stats on pregnancy discrimination are eye opening and the combination of potential discrimination against any parent is particularly hard on dual income couples who both want to be active parents and have great careers.

Being clear on your priorities as an individual and as a family is key here. It might be tricky, but forging the right path for you will make you happier in the long run!

4) Money

Having a baby typically leads to more outgoings v potentially less income, you can quickly move from being a ‘DINKY’ couple (Dual Income No Kids Yet) into a ‘SITCOM’ (Single Income Two Children and Oppressive Mortgage).

But it’s no laughing matter if you aren’t prepared.

Do a budget, understand where all your money goes and what are needs and what are nice to haves. Additionally, you should have honest conversations about how you share income. Joint account or allowances? Whose income pays for what or is it all in one shared account?

It’s important to discuss money challenges because they are the number 1 reason marriages fail.  

5) Mental Health

Mental health challenges in new dads are really common – the NCT report that “the number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population.”

It’s not surprising when the focus is naturally on mum and baby, and it can feel really important to be strong and supportive for them. It can also be difficult to open up to those close to you, especially if you are not used to it or aren’t comfortable being vulnerable with friends and family.

But it matters. Talking to someone can be life changing or lifesaving, because it’s tough being pulled in different directions.

Photo Credit: @picsea via Unsplash

Lockdown, from burn out to muddling through

Lockdown, From Burn out to Muddling through

I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown. It’s a tale of practical prep - aka buying better internet and a new freezer and what happens when your kids choose movie night film - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 anyone? thought not!

I discuss these topic areas:

• Practical steps to cope with lockdown

• Boundaries

• Then the wheels came off

• Keeping it simple

• Making lockdown work

It’s true, it all got too much at times…

“That Saturday and Sunday rota lasted about 4 weeks until I had a massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out. I was sat on the sofa at 6.15 in the morning unable to make any sense of what I should be doing. I reached for my underused but important fall back - the journal and wrote down how I felt and what I needed to do.”

But the future can be a brighter world:

“Embedding the benefits of more involved dads will take great effort in an uncertain economy, with childcare and school provision under threat. But if couples intentionally design their lives to ensure the domestic and working load is spread evenly, then society has a great chance to use lockdown as opportunity to create greater equality at home and in the workplace for years to come.”

Read the article here:

https://www.parentalchoice.co.uk/blogs/lockdown-from-burn-out-to-muddling-through/

Guys, you aren't alone - your struggle is normal.

If you’re a dad and you’re struggling with your work life balance, it’s important to know that you can get help.

Life can be better!

Generally, society still tends to expect dad to be ‘provider’ and mum to be ‘carer’.

We talk about dads ‘babysitting’ when they are just being parents.

Mums will get asked “who will be looking after your children when you go back to work?”

But times are changing

New dads don’t necessarily want to spend their paternity leave checking their email before starting their new role of trying desperately to be home for bathtime and worrying about what they are missing out on.

They want to be there to share time with their families. Where possible, they want flexible working arrangements and they are finding out what mums have always known - it’s hard to have it all.

BTW… This isn’t a pop at you

I know some of you are reading this and it’s got your back up.

This bloke is having a pop at me.

I work hard to provide a great standard of living for my family, I make sure the time I spend with my family is quality time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not saying that you shouldn’t be at work earning a living to provide for your family.

Hell, someone needs to earn the money and if your work life set up works for you that’s awesome.

In fact drop me an email and share your story and inspire others.

Nah, i’m not talking to you.

To be fair I’m talking to the bloke who’s feeling the stress, the anxiety, the pressure of a work life balance that is failing him and his family.

It’s time to get it sorted.

Your problem is their problem

We run a private Facebook group called “How to be a Great Dad AND Have a Great Career”.

When guys like you want to join and get some support, one of the questions we ask is

What do you hope to get from being a member of this group?

✅ "Ideas for practical things I can do to achieve that balance between my career and being a co-parenting dad."

✅ "I would like to be able to share tips and advice with other dads have are feeling the same pressures in their day-to-day life that I am."

✅ "Insight and tips on work life balance."

✅ "Discuss how to get the work / life balance that I need...maybe get inspired to take my career in a more fulfilling direction."

✅ "To see potential work-life balance problems coming before they hit, learning from other dad’s who’ve been there and taking their advice preemptively."

✅ “Seeing how other Dad's have made a good deal of difference to their own happiness, as well as that of their kids.”

✅ “Learn how to have a better work live balance.”

If those sound like the type of thoughts you’ve got in your mind it’s time to join us.