HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
The Great Dad Reset
Inspiring Dads founder, Ian Dinwiddy, was invited to contribute to a Dads at Work feature for Daddilife discusses the importance of culture over policy in creating a balanced future for dads...
The Great Dad Reset
Inspiring Dads founder, Ian Dinwiddy, was invited to contribute to a Dads at Work feature for Daddilife discusses the importance of culture over policy in creating a balanced future for dads...
Ever since I started my business, it’s been really clear that new dads want to spend more time with their children, to be there for the moments that matter and to work out how to be a great dad without sacrificing a great career, and for so long it’s felt out of reach. Fears about being seen as uncommitted if you seek out extended paternity leave, jokes about taking 2 weeks holiday (if you’re lucky) and if you work flexibly (like a mum?!) then you’ve pretty much signalled that your career is on ice.
Not everyone can take the potential financial hit involved in stepping back and that’s before we consider the identity and purpose benefits that progression and enjoyment at work brings.
It shouldn’t have taken a pandemic to prove that it’s possible for many dads to work remotely, creating better balance, relationship harmony and mental health outcomes, but 2021 is definitely an opportunity to reset what it means to be a committed dad, the type that is committed to both family and work, but doesn’t want to have to choose between them!
Policy is great, but all the flexible working policies in the world mean nothing if your work culture doesn’t support dads accessing them, just ask Japan, with world leading paternity leave. While McKinsey research found the most important factors in men taking paternity leave were:
1. A work culture that encourages taking leave
2. Policy support from their employer
3. An unaffected promotion timeline
Whether is it hybrid working, taking extra leave or being a role model for younger dads, my challenge to you is, in this time of massive opportunity, what are you going to do to get the work-life balance, you, your family and your children want and need?
Because when men come together, things can get done, if enough of us stand together for better relationships, mental health and connection with our kids together we can create that reset and build a better future.
The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid
Writing for Thriving Talent, I have a look at what dads want, the impact of Covid-19 on both men and women and look at why championing dads at work really does matter in 2021.
The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid
Happy Father's Day!
I've written a call to arms piece for Thriving Talent called 'The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid.'
I have a look at what dads want, the impact of Covid-19 on both men and women and look at why championing dads at work really does matter in 2021.
I talk well-being, equality at home and in the workplace and finish with 5 steps businesses need to take this year.
“Not only that, dads report improved mental health and better relationships with their families. The Fatherhood Institute Report – Lockdown Dads the Untold Story found that 65% of ‘partnered’ fathers “reported better father-child relationship following lockdown, rising to 73% among those who were full-time at home.”
As The Guardian reports, Dads have realised what they have been missing out on:
"If he’d been working his usual hours, he would have missed his son’s first giggle already. “That stopped me in my tracks,” he says. “I want these initial things. I want to see his first steps. I want his first words.”
It makes sense that happier dads will perform better at work and have better mental health, but supporting dads is also a route to gender equality.”
Photo Credit Bermix Studio v Unsplash @bermixstudio
The Revolution? Hybrid Working And The Productivity Challenge.
In 2019, former Naval Officer, James Edmondson, wrote a piece for The Homeworker magazine about working from home called Joining The Revolution. I went back to speak to him in 2021.
The Revolution? Hybrid working and the Productivity Challenge.
In 2019, former naval officer, James Edmondson, wrote a piece for The Homeworker magazine, a publication dedicated to “helping you thrive and achieve a happier, healthier, more productive lifestyle when you work from home.”
It was called:
“Joining the Revolution”
It was a frank piece about his worry and stress about how "working from home” was perceived and his own personal bias from a 20 year career in the Royal Navy:
“The concept of working from home was alien to me; in my mind it was something writers or artists might do”
The anxiety about what other people might think is beautifully illustrated by the sense of over compensating
“To over compensate for this and the overall feeling that I was ‘working from home’, I started sending people in the office pointless emails and Lync messages.
In my mind, the conversations would go like this: “Where’s James?” “Oh, he’s working from home today, but I saw that he’d logged on at 8 am and I’ve already seen a bunch of emails from him.” “Great, so he’s actually working.” “
A sense of relief to have survived “Working. From. Home”
“The feeling of utter relief when the clock struck 5 was palpable; I had made it through the day without anyone phoning up asking me where I was or why I wasn’t at my desk. It was relief that I hadn’t been accused of: “Working. From. Home”.”
Anxiety, productivity and foresight
“I hadn’t enjoyed the experience one bit, and in fact the chronic low-level anxiety that resided inside of me throughout the day was awful. Yet, I had been incredibly productive, completing some important work, work that had I had been in my office would probably have taken me three or four days to do.
Having the option to work from home in a flexible manner that allows a workforce to fit work around their busy lives is a game-changer and something I believe the working world must embrace as widely as possible.”
You can access the full interview here in issue 5, “2020 Vision” https://www.thehomeworker.com/back-issues
James reflects on home working in a pandemic
Now in early 2021, I went back to James and asked him how things had changed.
Not ideal
“Since writing my article for The Homeworker at the end of 2019, Covid-19 and the move to a larger house has shifted my perspectives again on working from home. The pandemic forced many of us to work from home almost overnight. The anxiety that I used to feel about working from home now seems absurd. Working from home now feels completely normal, though, in its current format, not ideal.
The Positives
For me the positives about working from home remain unchanged from my original article. The lack of commute, more family time, more time to spend focused on deep work and lots of money saved on not buying coffee are brilliant aspects to this way of working. The only big difference for me is around productivity.
Challenges around productivity and interaction
I am very conscious of those missed spontaneous and chance interactions that I would have in the office. Those touch points generated so many ideas, fostered collaboration and ultimately drove my productivity. Forced to work almost exclusively from home I get too much time to myself. Zoom calls are not the same, they are not chance encounters or spontaneous. It is this that I believe is the hidden cost around productivity.
Mental health issues
Culturally, my organisation is beginning to observe worrying second and third order affects of the changed way of working. Many of my colleagues are struggling through lack of contact and support that the office environment fostered. Whilst out in the field, we are seeing people taking time off work through mental health issues. They often cite the lack of contact from managers as the principal cause of their problem.
Optimism for a hybrid future
I am, however, optimistic for the future. For those of us who can work either from home or the office I expect our working practices to adopt a hybrid model. I can see me rarely having 5 days in office in a row. Instead, I expect I will work 2 days in the office, 2 days at home and 1 day out and about visiting / talking to people. From a work perspective that would be an excellent outcome to this dreadful crisis.”
What can we learn from James’ experience?
Covid-19 has been tough on parents, with the burden of domestic and childcare responsibilities falling more heavily on mums but with research from the Office for National Statistics finding that the number of hours men were spending on childcare increased by an average of 58% during the first lockdown. While Daddilife found a post-lockdown desire to be more heavily involved at home with more quality family time (32%) first, followed by more flexible (25%) and remote (19%) working.
One of the obvious upsides to the pandemic has been a cultural shift around perceptions about men who work flexibly and remotely. Not only the perceptions and understanding of those who do it, but also men’s own perception and sense of job risk for not being anything other than fully committed to work.
Without doubt, pandemic work patterns have not been ideal, but the benefits that men like James have experienced, point to a brighter future with more choice as to how and where to work and less stigma attached to men who seek to create better balance for themselves and their families and to be the active and involved fathers they may not remember growing up.
de-gendering and de-stigmatising
Finally some important words from Molly Johnson-Jones, at Flexa Careers interviewed in The Homeworker Blog
The past year has also shifted attitudes towards flexible working. With more men experiencing flexible working, the term has become “less gendered” according to . “Men now want flexible working almost as much as women (68% vs 74%) and are just as likely to ask for it as women (55% would ask for flexible working).
“In addition, some of the stigma around flexible working has started to shift. It’s no longer seen as ‘shirking from home’, or at least not by the majority of the population. By simultaneously de-gendering and de-stigmatising the term ‘flexible work’ we remove the negative connotations of women in the workplace – that we are less committed or productive because of our circumstances.”
“Men now want flexible working almost as much as women”
It’s Time For Dads To Patch Up The Ship And Plot A Course To 2021
Taking stock, making repairs and setting yourself up for a better 2021
Click here to read the full article on the Thriving Parents Website
Full steam ahead into the new year.
Like the telegraph room on the SS Titanic, the warnings of severe trouble ahead were clear in hindsight. Far eastern countries with experience of SARS took the warnings seriously. Europe, it is fair to say, was less quick to grasp the enormity of the potential impact.
At my kid’s school there was worry about a dad who had just come back from a work trip to Singapore, who had he seen and when?!
Like the lookout perched high in the crow’s nest, the warning was shouted, alarm bells were rung. But sometimes you need to see the threat for yourself before you react.
Instead of being the destination for a family summer break, Northern Italy became a place we nervously looked to as an example of what might happen.
Alarm bells
Then came the frantic alarm bells of society realising the warnings were about to come true - we were moving too quickly, too many things had carried on as normal.
Realising that there was no way to avoid collision with the Covid-berg, people started making plans – getting essentials in, buying freezers and upgrading Wi-Fi, preparing to work remotely.
For my family, who started self-isolating after our son developed what was probably (!) just a cough, national lockdown started with collecting our children’s school stuff. Dozens of bags poignantly laid out in the March sunshine awaiting collection.
Will dads continue to engage with flexible working post-Covid 19?
In this 2 parter for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
Will Dads Continue to engage with flexible working post-covid-19?
In this 2 parter written for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
I start with “why does “business” need dads to continue to be engaged in flexible working?”, considering the gender pay gap and mental health.
Then I get onto meaty topics such as
How do dads engage with flexible working?
What do men want?
What gets in the way of dads’ accessing flexible working?
What can we do to support dads’ access to flexible working?
5 key long-term steps to support flexible working for dads
You can Read the articles here:
Photo credit - Jonas Kakaroto @jkakaroto on Unsplash
Dads and the new reality
The benefits and challenges to working dads of the post lockdown world
Dads and the New Reality
Photo Credit: Ayo Ogunseind via Unsplash @armedshutter
I’ve said it before, it’s an awful time.
“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”
Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.
But, it WILL get better and dads will have a massive opportunity.
Dads do more At Home
With so many dads spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.
and this includes parenting...
An Institute for Fiscal Studies report this week included this evidence
During lockdown fathers have nearly doubled the time they spend on childcare. On average, fathers are now doing some childcare during 8 hours of the day, compared with 4 hours in 2014/15.
This increase is especially large for the 15% of fathers in previously dual-earner households who have lost their job while their partner continues to do paid work. This large increase in fathers’ involvement in childcare might have long-lasting impacts on how couples share childcare responsibilities.
seeing the benefits
Photo Credit: Edward Cisneros via Unsplash @everythingcaptured
“My job has never allowed me so much free time. Being forced to work from home, I have been able to spent precious time with my little girl who is 5 months old.”
“Loved being able to WFH full time... we have a six month old now so I get to see him during the day a bit, feed him lunch, always have bath time at 5.30pm... it’s been a positive in an otherwise pretty weird / horrid time.”
The assumptions that remote working can’t work have been massively undermined, a client told me this week that the main blocker to remote working in his business has had a complete U-turn since the the pandemic started.
the start of a brave new world?
This can be the opportunity for men to fix their work life balance once and for all and to be the hands on, active and involved fathers many don’t remember growing up.
If the virus has taught us one thing, it’s that many people don’t HAVE to be in the office to do their jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.
The Challenge of returning to the workplace
It’s tricky from many angles - health and safety, social distancing in the office and on the commute and a lack of childcare options.
Here are my 3 quick tips for businesses with working dads.
Childcare Assumptions
Don’t tell men to return to the workplace without considering they might also have childcare responsibilities. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Don’t leave women on furlough because you assume they are responsible for childcare. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Fear
Understand that now, more than, ever men face the fear of losing their jobs if they don’t follow instructions of their business.
This fear will trump any desire to maintain the benefits of working from home.
Conflict
With childcare and schooling options still limited, the pressure on parents to share the load and balance domestic responsibilities is still at an all time high.
Forcing working dads to return to the workplace will create domestic conflict
Longer term
1) Give men well paid parental leave so that they have the time and financial security to experience hands on, solo parenting.
2) Provide paternity return to work coaching to mirror the maternity offer.
3) Create male leadership models who demonstrate and support active, involved fatherhood. Part time working, flexible hours, working from home. Model it and make it ok.
How to... Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown
Communication and equality at home are your key weapons to avoid relationship breakdown.
How to… Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown
Stressed dads need support to face the realities of managing work and fatherhood commitments.
Just because this is my coaching niche it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sorted, far from it. I’m struggling with when to work, how to schedule things, expectation management - especially my own expectations about what is possible.
More than ever, being present in the moment is important, setting aside time with the kids and time to work. Focusing as much as possible on one thing at a time.
If you’re new to the working from home thing I'd definitely suggest wisely using the time you would have spent commuting.
** My top tip is making sure domestic responsibilities are shared fairly.
Making sure you have open lines of communication with your partner and that everyone's needs are met is one really important way to survive the practical and emotional challenges that prolonged periods of time at home are bringing.
It's not going to be easy, but the harsh truth is that if you always defined your worth by the income you provided you might need to redefine your role in a much broader way.
With kids at home, we men can't just shut the door and retreat into our work bubble.
It's literally all hands on deck. For men, the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required for a household to function might come as a shock, especially if you tend to leave that stuff to your partner. It's called mental load and you're going to get a much better sense of it in the next few months.
It's time to step up, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.
Of course you could ignore this challenge and become a viral sensation on Mumsnet...
"I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.
However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to do when both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum."
In case the prospect of reading Mumsnet scares you, here's some responses
"Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this."
"He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!"
"Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up."
"I've had pretty much the same from DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the Xbox."
And the kicker...
"He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him."
Now more than ever, life is tough
The challenge of balancing work and fatherhood has been cranked up to 11. Some relationships definitely won't survive.
James Millar, writing in Workingdads.co.uk talks about how it is up to us men
“To be the best partners, parents, educators and… employers and employees we can be.”
Embrace the new normal and accept that “Good enough is good enough”
If your marriage is going to make it, you might need to be doing something different. Improving your communication and sharing domestic physical and emotional labour will help you.
Need some help to get it right and talk through the problem you have?
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.