Paternity leave in finance: ‘The more men do it, the less of a big deal it becomes’

Paternity leave in finance: ‘The more men do it, the less of a big deal it becomes’

Make no mistake, it's a pleasure to talk all things Dads and contributing to Emma Jacobs's piece in the Financial Times was no exception.

It's a fascinating read, that uses the words of dads in financial services and law to illustrate both the positive and negative experiences of accessing extended leave and the disconnect that can exist between policy and culture, especially the gatekeeping experience that ‘Adam’ was subjected to.

The world is changing fast, and organisations can’t just rely on ‘dinosaurs’ dying out to get a grip on organisation culture. Gender equality initiatives that focus largely or solely on mother’s experiences and challenges are likely to merely reinforce societal and workplace assumptions about the role of working mums and working dads alike.

As a female, former colleague of my wife once said:

“When I first met Lisa, I didn’t think she had children, because I didn’t think a mum could do this job.”

It’s only when we see that men are as equally likely to seek out and access extended leave as women, that society, the workplace, and families will make meaningful progress towards equality both at home and in the workplace.

The evidence that Emma lays out from businesses with great parental leave policies and a joined-up culture is that men will absolutely take the leave they are offered and that “can make them more committed to an equal workforce.”

But never underestimate the line manager effect, it’s striking how many of the men Emma interviewed cited the support of their managers, matching my own coaching experience and how Adam’s negative experience was framed as being unmanly and that looking after children was his wife’s ‘job’.

My contributions

Ian Dinwiddy, a coach and founder of Inspiring Dads which supports fathers in the workplace, observes a domino effect, as more companies overcome worries about “cost [and having] to cover the leave”, forcing others to compete.

Dinwiddy says ringfenced leave — which is not shared between a couple — encourages fathers to take it. “Because [shared leave] is a choice — men have to opt in and that comes with fear of being seen as uncommitted.” There is also safety in numbers, he says. “If men think other men are going to take it, they will too.”

Further Reading

BBC July 21, “Paternity leave, the hidden barriers keeping men at work.”

“Most cite fears of being discriminated against professionally, missing out on pay rises and promotions, being marginalised or even mocked as reasons for not taking time off.”

The Behavioural Insights Team working with Santander UK found that

‘Simply telling men that their peers support parental leave and flexible working, increases their intention to share care.’ ‘Men thought that roughly 65% of their peers would encourage male colleagues to work flexibly, while in reality 99% would do so.’

Sharing this positive news changed attitudes, defeating the myth that men don’t support each other’s desire to be active and involved fathers.

More New Dad content

Men DO want Parental Leave and Flexible Working

“Simply telling men that their peers support parental leave and flexible working, increases their intention to share care."

An amazing headline from The Behavioural Insights Team. The key idea behind the research was the concept of "pluralistic ignorance."

"the tendency of people to hold a particular opinion privately while mistakenly believing the majority of people disagree with that opinion. For example, if men mistakenly think that their colleagues and managers would disapprove if they worked flexibly, then they avoid doing so, anticipating negative social and career repercussions."

Despite the pandemic creating a sea change in men's attitude towards flexible and remote working, the fear of being seen as "uncommitted" runs deep.

How powerful would it be for individuals, families and business culture to know that your peers actually support your decision to take leave or work flexibly?

Some key takeaways... from the Santander UK example

👍 Survey respondents would encourage men they work with to take 8 weeks of leave, BUT thought their male colleagues would only encourage around 6 weeks.

👍 Men thought that roughly 65% of their peers would encourage male colleagues to work flexibly, while in reality 99% would do so.

Sharing the baseline survey attitudes with a new cohort of men lead to a step change in intention...

👍 "We saw a 62% increase in the proportion of men intending to take 5-8 weeks of leave in the group that received feedback."

(The average level of leave taken was 4 weeks.)

Extended parental leave, flexible and remote working is good for mental health, equality at home and equality at work and all those benefits could be just a small step away.

The Great Dad Reset

The Great Dad Reset

Inspiring Dads founder, Ian Dinwiddy, was invited to contribute to a Dads at Work feature for Daddilife discusses the importance of culture over policy in creating a balanced future for dads...

Ever since I started my business, it’s been really clear that new dads want to spend more time with their children, to be there for the moments that matter and to work out how to be a great dad without sacrificing a great career, and for so long it’s felt out of reach. Fears about being seen as uncommitted if you seek out extended paternity leave, jokes about taking 2 weeks holiday (if you’re lucky) and if you work flexibly (like a mum?!) then you’ve pretty much signalled that your career is on ice.

Not everyone can take the potential financial hit involved in stepping back and that’s before we consider the identity and purpose benefits that progression and enjoyment at work brings.

It shouldn’t have taken a pandemic to prove that it’s possible for many dads to work remotely, creating better balance, relationship harmony and mental health outcomes, but 2021 is definitely an opportunity to reset what it means to be a committed dad, the type that is committed to both family and work, but doesn’t want to have to choose between them!

Policy is great, but all the flexible working policies in the world mean nothing if your work culture doesn’t support dads accessing them, just ask Japan, with world leading paternity leave. While McKinsey research found the most important factors in men taking paternity leave were:

1.     A work culture that encourages taking leave

2.     Policy support from their employer

3.     An unaffected promotion timeline

Whether is it hybrid working, taking extra leave or being a role model for younger dads, my challenge to you is, in this time of massive opportunity, what are you going to do to get the work-life balance, you, your family and your children want and need?

Because when men come together, things can get done, if enough of us stand together for better relationships, mental health and connection with our kids together we can create that reset and build a better future.

The gift of Shared Parental Leave

The gift of Shared Parental Leave

In an industry which has long struggled with female attrition rate, recent research from law.com that shows 44% of partner promotions in the top 30 are women, (up from 12% five years ago), is to be welcomed. Even if that makes a comparatively minor dent in the 20% representation overall.

Originally published in the LAW Absolute Newsletter for Father’s Day 2021

Gender diversity is good for business - according to McKinsey, the most gender-diverse companies are 21% more like to experience above-average profitability.

For 15 years I have had a ringside seat on my wife’s law career, I’ve seen the dynamics and behaviours driven by hourly billing, the ‘eat what you kill’ mentality, the mental health challenges and the relationship tension that manifests itself as a woman posting “congrats, let’s catch up” on their husband’s 2-year LinkedIn anniversary notification.

It hasn’t always been pretty.

Policy and quotas only get you so far, culture change really matters, which was brought home to me when a younger female client of Lisa’s remarked that when they first met, she had assumed that Lisa didn’t have children “because I didn’t think you could be a mum and do this job.”

She and I both recognised how damaging that was for the prospects of all women.

What do dads want?

In their 30th anniversary report “State of Man” GQ magazine’s readers identified ‘Being a present father’ as the number one aspect of modern masculinity.

While dads in my Facebook group describe these desires

• ‘Spend more time with my daughter and be a happier person.’

• ‘To have more time with the kids.’

• ‘Attend more special occasions. Be a more active figure daily in
  their lives.’

Even before the pandemic, research by insurance company Zurich and the UK government-backed think tank 'The Behavioural Insights Team' found that many more men also applied for roles when they offered flexible working options, suggesting the issue is just as important for them as it is for female candidates.

The impact of Covid on parents

The Office for National Statistics found that the first Covid lockdown had led to a 58% increase in childcare undertaken by men but women still did more childcare and women with young children are much more likely to be considering leaving the workplace altogether:

McKinsey reported that in the category of parents of kids under ten, the rate at which women in this group were considering leaving was ten per cent higher than for men.

The Financial Times also reported that this trend is seen at senior levels too:

“Senior-level women were 1.5 times more likely than men to think about downshifting their careers or leaving the workforce because of Covid-19.”

What is Shared Parental Leave (SPL)?

In short, couples can share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between them. Transferring allowance allows parents to share leave in a way that best suits them.

https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

Why is SPL good for business?

Shared Parental Leave is a mechanism for supporting parents to divide parental leave in ways that work best for them as family - improving well-being and long-term loyalty and performance. Crucially, it is also an opportunity to change the business culture, creating a more diverse workplace.

Initiatives targeted at women create a two-tier system, but when men take extended leave (or seek to work flexibly) it is no longer possible to assume that only women have caring responsibilities, and this broadens the definition of what success and commitment at work looks like.

As Lisa Unwin, writing last month, said:

“The partners explained to me that they’d love to have more women on the team, provided they were able to put in the all-nighters and accept that this is an 80 hour a week job.”

Firms can use SPL to create more diverse workforces and maybe even remove some of the energy sapping, relationship and mental health damaging work structures that persist in the industry.

Photo Credit: Jonnelle Yankovich via Unsplash @jey_photography

Benefits for dads, children, and families.

1)       It increases the early bonding experiences between father and child.

2)      It creates the opportunity to build skills for long term solo parenting which is important for equality at home.

3)      It insulates dads from vulnerabilities in the event of relationship breakdown. How often do you hear the story - 'He can't share custody he doesn't know what he's doing’ ? Harder to say if you have a track record of looking after children on your own.

4)     Present and engaged dads create great behavioural outcomes for children.

5)      Great for dual income couples, skills learnt by dads builds equality at home.

According to a Harvard Business Review report,

“Women with equal partners at home are more successful at work. When people are less concerned with the impact of their job on family responsibilities and able to focus and commit more fully to their work, it’s no surprise that they’re more productive and able to take advantage of growth and advancement opportunities.”

The leading Law firms do enhance their leave.

https://www.linklaters.com/en/about-us/news-and-deals/news/2019/december/new-parental-leave-policy

https://www.legalbusiness.co.uk/blogs/keeping-pace-with-change-ao-becomes-latest-city-firm-to-usher-in-parental-leave-reforms/

https://www.law.com/international-edition/2020/01/22/dechert-latest-to-expand-london-parental-leave-policy/

Actions businesses can take to celebrate Father’s Day.

The pandemic has changed everything, we can longer assume that men don’t have or want caring responsibilities.

·         Review your parental leave provision – putting dads at the heart of policy.

·         Identify male fatherhood role models.

·         Encourage men to take leave and access flexible working.

·         Normalise men taking leave and build a different culture.

There is little point making up record numbers of women to partnership if firm wide culture is still built around long hours and an assumption that men do not want to be present in their families’ lives. It’s lazy and it will cause relationship issues and well-being challenges.

Photo Credit: Larry Crayton via Unplash @ljcrayton

The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid

The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid

Happy Father's Day!

I've written a call to arms piece for Thriving Talent called 'The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid.'

I have a look at what dads want, the impact of Covid-19 on both men and women and look at why championing dads at work really does matter in 2021.

I talk well-being, equality at home and in the workplace and finish with 5 steps businesses need to take this year.

“Not only that, dads report improved mental health and better relationships with their families. The Fatherhood Institute Report – Lockdown Dads the Untold Story found that 65% of ‘partnered’ fathers “reported better father-child relationship following lockdown, rising to 73% among those who were full-time at home.”

As The Guardian reports, Dads have realised what they have been missing out on:

"If he’d been working his usual hours, he would have missed his son’s first giggle already. “That stopped me in my tracks,” he says. “I want these initial things. I want to see his first steps. I want his first words.”

It makes sense that happier dads will perform better at work and have better mental health, but supporting dads is also a route to gender equality.”

Photo Credit Bermix Studio v Unsplash @bermixstudio

The Revolution? Hybrid Working And The Productivity Challenge.

The Revolution? Hybrid working and the Productivity Challenge.

In 2019, former naval officer, James Edmondson, wrote a piece for The Homeworker magazine, a publication dedicated to “helping you thrive and achieve a happier, healthier, more productive lifestyle when you work from home.”

It was called:

“Joining the Revolution”

It was a frank piece about his worry and stress about how "working from home” was perceived and his own personal bias from a 20 year career in the Royal Navy:

“The concept of working from home was alien to me; in my mind it was something writers or artists might do”

The anxiety about what other people might think is beautifully illustrated by the sense of over compensating

“To over compensate for this and the overall feeling that I was ‘working from home’, I started sending people in the office pointless emails and Lync messages.

In my mind, the conversations would go like this: “Where’s James?” “Oh, he’s working from home today, but I saw that he’d logged on at 8 am and I’ve already seen a bunch of emails from him.” “Great, so he’s actually working.” “

A sense of relief to have survived “Working. From. Home”

“The feeling of utter relief when the clock struck 5 was palpable; I had made it through the day without anyone phoning up asking me where I was or why I wasn’t at my desk. It was relief that I hadn’t been accused of: “Working. From. Home”.”

Anxiety, productivity and foresight

“I hadn’t enjoyed the experience one bit, and in fact the chronic low-level anxiety that resided inside of me throughout the day was awful. Yet, I had been incredibly productive, completing some important work, work that had I had been in my office would probably have taken me three or four days to do.

Having the option to work from home in a flexible manner that allows a workforce to fit work around their busy lives is a game-changer and something I believe the working world must embrace as widely as possible.”

You can access the full interview here in issue 5, “2020 Vision” https://www.thehomeworker.com/back-issues

James reflects on home working in a pandemic

Now in early 2021, I went back to James and asked him how things had changed.

Not ideal

“Since writing my article for The Homeworker at the end of 2019, Covid-19 and the move to a larger house has shifted my perspectives again on working from home. The pandemic forced many of us to work from home almost overnight. The anxiety that I used to feel about working from home now seems absurd. Working from home now feels completely normal, though, in its current format, not ideal.

The Positives

For me the positives about working from home remain unchanged from my original article. The lack of commute, more family time, more time to spend focused on deep work and lots of money saved on not buying coffee are brilliant aspects to this way of working. The only big difference for me is around productivity.

Challenges around productivity and interaction

I am very conscious of those missed spontaneous and chance interactions that I would have in the office. Those touch points generated so many ideas, fostered collaboration and ultimately drove my productivity. Forced to work almost exclusively from home I get too much time to myself. Zoom calls are not the same, they are not chance encounters or spontaneous. It is this that I believe is the hidden cost around productivity.

Mental health issues

Culturally, my organisation is beginning to observe worrying second and third order affects of the changed way of working. Many of my colleagues are struggling through lack of contact and support that the office environment fostered. Whilst out in the field, we are seeing people taking time off work through mental health issues. They often cite the lack of contact from managers as the principal cause of their problem.

Optimism for a hybrid future

I am, however, optimistic for the future. For those of us who can work either from home or the office I expect our working practices to adopt a hybrid model. I can see me rarely having 5 days in office in a row. Instead, I expect I will work 2 days in the office, 2 days at home and 1 day out and about visiting / talking to people. From a work perspective that would be an excellent outcome to this dreadful crisis.”

What can we learn from James’ experience?

Covid-19 has been tough on parents, with the burden of domestic and childcare responsibilities falling more heavily on mums but with research from the Office for National Statistics finding that the number of hours men were spending on childcare increased by an average of 58% during the first lockdown. While Daddilife found a post-lockdown desire to be more heavily involved at home with more quality family time (32%) first, followed by more flexible (25%) and remote (19%) working.

One of the obvious upsides to the pandemic has been a cultural shift around perceptions about men who work flexibly and remotely. Not only the perceptions and understanding of those who do it, but also men’s own perception and sense of job risk for not being anything other than fully committed to work.

Without doubt, pandemic work patterns have not been ideal, but the benefits that men like James have experienced, point to a brighter future with more choice as to how and where to work and less stigma attached to men who seek to create better balance for themselves and their families and to be the active and involved fathers they may not remember growing up.

de-gendering and de-stigmatising

Finally some important words from Molly Johnson-Jones, at Flexa Careers interviewed in The Homeworker Blog

The past year has also shifted attitudes towards flexible working. With more men experiencing flexible working, the term has become “less gendered” according to . “Men now want flexible working almost as much as women (68% vs 74%) and are just as likely to ask for it as women (55% would ask for flexible working).

“In addition, some of the stigma around flexible working has started to shift. It’s no longer seen as ‘shirking from home’, or at least not by the majority of the population. By simultaneously de-gendering and de-stigmatising the term ‘flexible work’ we remove the negative connotations of women in the workplace – that we are less committed or productive because of our circumstances.”

“Men now want flexible working almost as much as women”

new Dads are new parents too

New dads are new parents too

Nicki Seignot, Author of 'Mentoring New Parents at Work' and founder of The Parent Mentor talks to James and Ian in episode 36 of Lockdown Dads.

We discuss why supporting new dads matters, the role single dad Phil played to broadening Nicki’s horizons, beyond just supporting the maternity journey and what the post pandemic work landscape could look like.

Plus the usual podcast musings about schools going back, sunshine (!) and looking forward to better future.

Contents

00:50 The power of daylight in the mornings

02:15 Schools going back

02:45 Competitive world book day

04:00 Ian is looking forward to not apologising…

05:30 Christmas presents (!) and Covid

07:10 Nicki’s path-

• Taking maternity leave in the late 1990s.

• Hard choices and work just not working for mums

• Mum2Mum mentoring programme at Asda

• The important role of single dad, Phil

• That 2011 program became The Parent Mentor business

• Her book - Mentoring New Parents at Work and a realisation that dads weren’t part of the conversation.

“I mean, it sounds obvious talking to you too now, but you know, it was quite revelation at the time.”

13:45 A pivotal moment using a mountain top image as part of icebreaker cards

“He held the card up and he says this was me. And I used to go mountain climbing, cycling, you know, the world was my oyster and I don't know where he is anymore.”

And he literally broke down in the session, and I said to my client afterwards, I said, if you are in any doubt about the power of what you're doing, it's in the room right now. We have to talk to dads too.

14:30 The danger of grouping parents as a single homogeneous group

15:30 The Dad Connect programme

16:15 Mentoring v Coaching

18:50 We talk about reverse mentoring

21:45 “Good enough is good enough”

23:30 Work Life Balance

“It took me to have children to respect my work-life balance and to want work flexibly. Why do we give away all that discretionary time? And why does that have to be a parenting thing to want to work flexibly?

So I think in a way the pandemic has given everyone the gift of being able to say, I have a right to a life away from work”

24:00 Hybrid working and the role of line managers

25:50 Incoming culture clash - “working from home is an aberration” ?

26:30 Will there be a generational split about office working?

28:30 The mechanics of hybrid working models

Tips

James’ choose to challenge on parenting norms

Nicki talks about checking in on a new dad back from paternity leave

Ian has been reading Why we sleep? by Matthew Walker

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Connect with Nicki

www.theparentmentor.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/in/nicki-seignot-647b981/

Photo Credit @kellysikkema via Unsplash

From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy

From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy

As a newly married 23 year old, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood while driving the A39 to and from Bristol, Nathan McGurl, founder of The Study Buddy did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.

The My First Kid website has sadly gone the way of our My Space profiles, but the story Nathan tells of dads sidelined from parenting will still resonate to many, even if supermarket parenting clubs no longer limit you to identifying as “Ms, Mrs or Miss”

We blend discussion about bad broadband, good haircuts and expensive contact lenses with a look at lazy and damaging gender stereotyping promoted by the UK government.

Nathan explains how having exhausting all the classic parenting manipulation techniques with his son, he created a system of GCSE revision planning that didn’t rely on learning by osmosis and became The Study Buddy.

Content

01:10 Nathan is a gin and tonic away from being “magenta.”

02:45 James loses the world’s most expensive contact lens.

04:10 Ian on bad broadband, good haircuts and lockdown birthdays

05:50 New marriage, new dad and new millennium - there was a lot going on.

06:50 On the road to Street and myfirstkid.co.uk was born, capturing all of these things flying through my head…

08:20 I started to become more aware of “parenthood” because I don't think “fatherhood” was much of a thing then.

10:00 Parenthood was all about the mums. The Safeway club just assumed it's Mrs. Nathan McGurl. I mean, you could be Ms. or Miss or Mrs, but you couldn't be Mr.

12:20 We talk government and gender stereotyping

15:40 Emails from Mums even more than Dads

I don't want to build it up to sound like it was profound, because it wasn't, it was things like “there's multiple births (triplets and twins) that run through my wife's side of the family… and I’m not sure if I could cope with having more than one at a time.”

It was more an irreverent type of thing, not necessarily a manifesto for fathers.

18:30 The path to creating The Study Buddy

It was deeply practical at the time, my son was going through his GCSEs when he was 16. God love him, he is me. So he's sort of a bit lazy with a sprinkling more cockiness in there than is possibly healthy.

He's every bit as ambitious as his mum and so he wanted to be a doctor, brain surgeon, quantum physicist, whatever it was that he had in his head to do, but his idea to get there was osmosis.

19:30 Using every trick in the book for motivation - “how about I give you a fiver?”

21:00 Then it came to Easter just before his exams,

The shouting is not as effective as I'd hoped. I just had two questions really that I kept asking him and he wasn't able to answer.

first one was… how much work have you got to do?

and secondly… have you got enough time to do all of that work?

22:00 It wasn't emotional anymore because it wasn't me telling him what I thought he should do.

22:47 This is how Study Buddy works

We have broken down all of the GCSEs and IGCSEs and some BTec etc so that we can create this master to do list. I mean, whatever it is you do, you've got to have, even if it's in your head, a list of things and steps that you need to go through. And then the next thing was, well, when are you going to do it?

26:30 You don't need to spend money, but for those parents who actually just don't have the time or the inclination…

27:40 It was built for the procrastinating boy, but this kind of approach helps with, those who are really anxious.

30:00 The power of the student feeling in control

I don't mean to suggest for one second that we implemented this on the Sunday and come Monday morning, we'd had the inverse Kevin and Perry effect, and my child came downstairs, in suit and tie because it wasn't like that! But what did happen, over time, was he started to feel like, he controlled it.

33:10 Tips

CKC = “Communication is key with COVID”

The power of an Excel spreadsheet - people will assume that you're busy and they will walk away.

Zig Ziglar quote “The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.”

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Learn more here

https://thestudybuddy.com/

https://www.facebook.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/

https://twitter.com/thestudybuddyUK

https://www.instagram.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/

Photo credit: @comparefibre via Unsplash

Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?

Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?

I saw something on Twitter yesterday that caught my eye...

No, it wasn't a debate about vaccinations or covid competency.

It was a woman posting about home schooling, she reflected that having the kids at home and trying to work at the same time meant the days were simultaneously both too long and too short.

I love my kids but I'd love them to be at school, learning and playing there instead of being at home endlessly defining my life by their various needs, time tables, times tables and not accepting a ham sandwich or pot noodle "a la desk" is a proper lunch.

The result is a long day that never seems long enough to "get stuff done", but long enough and disrupted enough to feel exhausted at 9:30pm and making progress on work projects is like wading through treacle. It's no wonder I haven't done my tax return yet...

But there are always positives, every Friday James Millar and I jump on Zoom and have a 40 minute chat with a new and interesting guest for the Lockdown Dads podcast. It feels like our own TFI Friday moment, plus we get to learn and share ideas with great people with something to say.

Paul Bulos, Executive, Leadership & Wellbeing Coach and publishing professional joins us to ponder “what colour are you today and why?” We dig into the benefits of lockdowns - including connecting with your kids and we touch on the importance of empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.

Plus we discuss dad ‘presence’ - how important is secondary school transition, what does the “right train” mean to you and taking time to involve yourself in the things that are important to your children.

Tips include - it’s time for clippers, the Language of gaming and Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control .

Contents

00:20 Lockdown birthdays are rubbish.

02:30 If you could describe how you are doing as a colour, what would that colour be and why?

02:45 Paul’s Funday Friday - energy and weather = yellow

03:15 Ian, green for Pakistan - ODI cricket tickets for the summer

04:20 James = black… I like black

07:40 Learning self awareness and family dynamics

09:15 Paul’s relationship with his daughter

Photo Credit: @lajaxx via Unsplash

I've always been really close to my kids, but I've got a lot closer and some of that's good and some of that's not so good… one of the key things that really came through that first lockdown, was my relationship with my daughter. She started 13, went into being 14. That's quite an age for young females, lots going on, lots changing. I noticed a lot changing. And just before the lockdown, I was being very honest about it, finding quite difficult.

Our connections seem to be drifting a little bit where we'd been really close before we'd done a lot of things together. She sort of flipped into that proper teenage time and she was beginning to just drift away a bit.

And then we started doing this walk, we live in West London, so we started walking to Osterley Park very early. We didn't often say that much to each other, but the content of what we started to talk about between us was, far more meaningful than they'd ever been. I think we just started to reconnect, but in a different way.

12:25 Helping children to feel safe

14:05 A higher proportion proportion of dads think that the switch to secondary school is a time when they need to be around for their kids.

15:00 How comfortable are you saying, “you know what, I can't make that meeting at 5:30” because if I don't do that, I can't get the train, which means I won't be home for my kids.

15:50 You come home one day and, and they don't come to the door. And I said, no, I can't imagine that.

17:00 The impact of missing your train - my wife knew exactly what time I'd be walking through the door at the end of the working day.

19:30 The transition between work - coming home and re-entry into domestic, household and parenting life.

One of the other things that I found quite interesting is that the children, for first time, in their life really, have seen me working, seeing what that means, what that looks like. If I ever came home from work and I was particularly preoccupied or had a difficult day, they, they never really grasped the concept of that. But now that we're around each other so much more, we have conversations in the day, much more readily around what's going on.

Vice versa for their school day. Some of the things that they're doing and getting up to and how their, some of their stresses and strains, you know, when they've had a frustrating lesson or when you know, they feel like they haven't really been heard in their lesson.

I wouldn't normally hear that stuff, but now I'm hearing it much more regularly. So we're relating in a very different way and understanding and appreciating and having more empathy for each other in a very different way.

21:50 James talks about his workingdads.co.uk building back better agenda.

23:00 Lunchtimes together.

24:00 The power of coaching - examining values and my responsibilities as a parent

25:30 Children as they've become far more cognitive in the world and they've got their own things, you really have to listen to them.

They've got something to say now, whereas when they're little, they're just looking at you almost to repeat what they need to say, but as they've grown up I think probably post 10, 11, they've really got something to say and it's worth listening to.

The speaking is his understanding that he's being listened to. And that requires reflection back to him, all those kinds of things.

27:00 My Daughter has helped me as a coach

One of the important things of being a coach is being able to be in the quiet and be comfortable in that quiet space and allowing that space, not feeling you need to fill it, not feeling you need to rescue, but providing your coachee with that. My daughter is quite quiet and thoughtful and her feelings are quite deep. They don't come to the surface. She doesn't wear a heart on her sleeve. So she's actually helped me in my coaching practice because I have to sit with that space a lot more than I do with my son.

28:30 Tips

• Home haircuts - clippers are back on stock

• Try to understand the language of gaming.

So I remember when he used to collect Pokemon cards, I would walk with him and he would talk to me and I literally didn't understand a single word he said, and and it's now happening with Fortnite. So I have now invested in the time to say to him, could you just explain what you're talking about? Because I realized this could go on a while. I can't have conversations with him that I really don't understand for any longer.

• Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control. (former guest on the show)

More from Paul Bulos

https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulbulos/

http://www.thecompletecoach.co.uk/safe/

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/sink-swim-vital-dads-look-after-themselves/

Photo Credit: @patrickian4 via Unsplash

My Inspiration - Catching the “right” Train

My Inspiration - Catching the “Right” train

It really goes back to 2009, when my wife and I were preparing for the arrival of our daughter, and we were thinking about how we were going to live our lives - what we were going to do differently.

The choice that we made, was that I would ask for reduced hours in 2010 after our daughter was born, and then, at some stage, about six months after she was born, I would stop work altogether. We’d have a transition period and then my wife would go back to work when her maternity leave was over.

Lisa would have 6 months of full paid maternity leave, a good job working as a lawyer in London and I was working as a Management Consultant which is also a good job, a well paid job but in terms of the financial decision, about who was best placed to look after our daughter after those early days, the decision was made that I would take a career break

Becoming a Dad

So in January 2010 our daughter was born and I moved four days a week, with my fifth day, my “at home” day was flexible, built around the business needs.

So I had a pretty good situation. I had a commutable job - consultancy could be really tough, it could be a long way away from home, but actually, for me, for us, it worked pretty well.

However, it was still really really tough. Freya had reflux, quite severe reflux in the early days, and I used to dread the time when I would phone and check in with Lisa to find out how her morning had been.

Emotional pressures

It was a lunch time call. I’d get my sandwich from downstairs… I would sit in a quiet spot outside the office and I would phone in and I would ask her how things were and depending on what she said… it would have a fundamental impact on my emotional well-being for the rest of the day. You know, particularly for her, if Freya was a bit of a nightmare and she was screaming a lot and she wouldn't feed! She was good at sleeping at night - not good during the day at all. That had a profound impact on my own emotional state for the rest of the day.

Catching the right train

What I found out later was that Lisa, knew exactly which train I was planning to get, it was the same train every day and she knew exactly what time I would walk through the door, and if I couldn't get that train, she really felt those extra 15 minutes, they made a real, real big difference to her and it really affected her, it really made the day stretch out and it went so much slower.

Initially I didn't realise the impact of that train. I had a target train. I had something I wanted to do, but knowing how important that was, was a real game-changer for me in terms of how I approached work, how I got focused in terms of leaving on time and getting the correct train.

And that's one of the initial reasons why I founded Inspiring Dads. When I reflected on my experiences, I realised I had knowledge and skills that I could use to help and support new dads through the emotional trauma of becoming a dad.

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The Inspiring Dads Vision

Active And Involved Fathers Who Stand Out, Stand Up And Make A Difference

We believe that this generation of dads is ready to embrace a new type of working life, one that blends work and family in a way rarely previously experienced by men.

No longer constrained by traditional and divisive gender norms around “bread-winning” and “caring”, these dads are ready to be the hands-on fathers they don’t remember growing up.

We know that more time spent looking after their children is good for dad’s well-being and mental health, unlocks workplace opportunities for their partners and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like.in the workplace.

This generation of dads understands that you shouldn’t have to choose between “being a great dad and having a great career”, and with the right support they will drive improved choice and gender equality for everyone.

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash

Our Values

Flexible Working For All

Everyone wins when dads feel comfortable seeking out the type of flexible working patterns that support their desire to be an active and involved father. #Flexforall.

Supporting Dads Leads To Gender Equality

In order to create equality at home and at work, we need to move away from support that appears to be ‘perks’ just for mums (unequal parental leave, maternity coaching and part time and flexible work).

Communication Is Key

Dads need to be honest about their needs and pressures, and learn to talk openly with partners, managers and co-workers to design working lives that deliver what they and their families need.

Photo Credit: @snapsbyfox via Unsplash