5 Practical Tips to cope with the Impact of Fatherhood

Practical Impacts of Fatherhood aka “You don't know what you don't know”

Becoming a dad for the first time can be tough, it doesn’t matter how many books you read you can’t know or be prepared for everything.

This blog post walks you through 5 common practical impacts of fatherhood and gives you tips to navigate your way.

·         Sleep Deprivation

·         Social Life

·         Discrimination

·         Money

·         Mental Health

1) Sleep Deprivation

Did you know that babies aren't considered physically able to sleep through the night until they are at least 6 months old? Sure, you can get lucky - our first, Freya was an amazing sleeper, but she screamed all day due to her reflux!

While our babies can’t prioritise sleep, adults have a lot more control, but sometimes sleeping doesn’t appear to be a good use of our time and there is a danger that you put your entertainment time ahead of sleep in the evenings. Yes, we all need to unwind, but allowing that to eat into sleep time is going to counterproductive. 

Consider my client Andy's observation:

"If you can prioritise you and your partners ability to sleep then a lot of the other things fall into place, it makes the hard stuff easier with a clear head.  If you're both sleep deprived, it makes even the minor issues trigger points for disagreement."

While the excellent and thought-provoking book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker reminds us of the importance of sleep.

"It enhances your memory, makes you more attractive. It keeps you slim and lowers food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks and stroke, not to mention diabetes. You’ll even feel happier, less depressed, and less anxious."

2) Social Life (or not)

Photo Credit: @alevisionco via Unsplash

New parents’ lack of social life is a cliché for a reason. Life has changed, it won't be forever, but always remember that babies do not respect a hangover.

You need to think about three things

• "Putting your oxygen mask on first"

• Is it fair?

• Time together

You need to look after yourself to be able look after other people. As they say when you fly, put your own oxygen mask on first. It's important to understand what social life / hobbies you need to stay happy and grounded. Then talk to your partner about how to arrange it and fit it in.

Think about fairness too. 

When is your partner getting a break? Are you facilitating that process? If your partner says they don't want to do anything social, do you take the easy way out and stop asking or do you do everything you can to give them their own space? It can be very easy for new mums to put everyone else's needs first; part of your ‘job’ is to make sure that doesn't happen.

Consider the impact if you're pursuing your hobbies and social life and your partner isn't. It's a sure-fire way to create serious relationship tension.

Time together

It can be tricky in the early days to get time together away from your baby, but even if it's just for a few hours, while someone covers a nap, I guarantee the feeling of being partners and not just parents can be amazing if you let it. 

Don't worry if you find yourself using that time to talk about your baby, we all do it!

Most importantly social life as a new parent requires planning and communication to ensure everyone gets the time "off" that they need, plus I think it's important to recognise and embrace how friendship groups change. You are going to find yourself becoming mates with the dads of your children's friends, embrace it!

3) Discrimination

There are split views on this – the TUC found a fatherhood bonus with dads getting promoted / earning more once they are fathers. Yet there is also research by remote meeting tech firm PowWowNow finding that dads also experience discrimination if they take time off to look after children:

👉 44% of fathers experienced discrimination in the workplace after exercising their right to take time off to look after their child. 

👉 1 in 4 fathers suffered verbal abuse or mockery after taking time off to look after their children.

It’s really tough to be a woman though

Pregnant Then Screwed stats on pregnancy discrimination are eye opening and the combination of potential discrimination against any parent is particularly hard on dual income couples who both want to be active parents and have great careers.

Being clear on your priorities as an individual and as a family is key here. It might be tricky, but forging the right path for you will make you happier in the long run!

4) Money

Having a baby typically leads to more outgoings v potentially less income, you can quickly move from being a ‘DINKY’ couple (Dual Income No Kids Yet) into a ‘SITCOM’ (Single Income Two Children and Oppressive Mortgage).

But it’s no laughing matter if you aren’t prepared.

Do a budget, understand where all your money goes and what are needs and what are nice to haves. Additionally, you should have honest conversations about how you share income. Joint account or allowances? Whose income pays for what or is it all in one shared account?

It’s important to discuss money challenges because they are the number 1 reason marriages fail.  

5) Mental Health

Mental health challenges in new dads are really common – the NCT report that “the number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population.”

It’s not surprising when the focus is naturally on mum and baby, and it can feel really important to be strong and supportive for them. It can also be difficult to open up to those close to you, especially if you are not used to it or aren’t comfortable being vulnerable with friends and family.

But it matters. Talking to someone can be life changing or lifesaving, because it’s tough being pulled in different directions.

Photo Credit: @picsea via Unsplash

Our charity - 2WishUponAStar.org

Our Charity 2WishUponAStar.org

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Today I remember Paul Burke, the family he should have seen growing up and the life he was supposed to have.

When George Burke suddenly died aged just 1 year old, Rhian and Paul were left to cope by themselves. Paul would be here today if he had had the support he needed and deserved, support that the charity 2 Wish Upon A Star now provides.

“Immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.”

Paul was a good friend of mine and I have proudly supported the charity in private capacity with an annual charity hockey match, involving alumni of University College, London and the broader University of London community and I’m now delighted to support the charity via Inspiring Dads.

The third UN Global Goal for Sustainable Development is “Good Health And Well-Being” and I pledge 1% of Inspiring Dads sales value to help fund the incredibly valuable and important work that Rhian Mannings and her 2wishuponastar team do for families across Wales.

Rhian kindly allowed me to share her words

“I never thought I would be affected by someone taking their own life. It happened to other people. I will never ever come to terms with the fact that Paul walked out and never came home. However, I truly believe I am fortunate to know why. Many never find out why their child, brother, sister, parent or friend took their own life.

To lose someone you love more than words messes with your head and heart beyond words. To lose a child, breaks you beyond description and he couldn't cope. He couldn't cope with what we saw the night we lost George, he couldn't cope with the fact he, as a Daddy, couldn't make George better and following his death, make us feel better.

What I do know is that support at the time of George's death did not exist. When George was born we had so much support from so many agencies and professionals but after our beautiful boy died - NOTHING!!! If Paul had received support I believe he would be here today watching his children grow up.

That is why 2 Wish Upon A Star is so important. That is why reaching out to people at the most difficult times is important. By being there for those who need and deserve support I hope we can prevent another Daddy (or Mummy) walking out and never coming home!!!!!! xxx”

How To… Fix Your Work Life Balance and save your Relationship

How to… fix your work life balance and save your relationship

Real men, real stories

“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”… Covid is the gift that keeps giving.

Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.

But, it WILL get better and then you’ll have a massive opportunity.

The New Reality

With so many men spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.

and this includes parenting...

The world tends to assume that only mums are able to look after children and men can't do that role. It's incredibly damaging for relationships, choice and opportunity.

Men don't feel able to be anything other than "all in" for work and women struggle with trying to do everything for everyone.

At the moment the emotional and mental load are cranked up to 11 and men need to step up to the domestic plate in a way that we might not ever have had to before.

Photo credit: Matthew Rader via Unsplash @matthew_t_rader

The opportunity

But I have faith in our ability to take on those domestic roles that society doesn’t believe we can do and then we can change the entire conversation about what it means to be a dad.

We aren’t just breadwinners. We’re stand-in teachers, cooks, ironing machines and leaders and to continue the amazing benefits we’ve already experienced when we merging our work and home lives we’re going to need better work life balance.

Not just to be a hero to our kids and being there for the moments that matter, but taking on our fair share around the house.

This will be the opportunity to fix your work life balance once and for all and be the hands on, active and involved father you don’t remember growing up.

Don’t get me wrong, our dads did their best, but it that was a different time and you want to be a different type of dad.

If Covid-19 has taught us one thing, it’s that many of us don’t HAVE to be in the office to do our jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.

A way that allows us to the type of dad you always wanted to be.

It’s time to fix your work life balance and save your relationship

⭐ You’ll need to be honest about what is truly important to you.

⭐ Learn to communicate effectively as a couple, so that everyone’s needs are met.

⭐ Understand the financial trade-offs you might need to make to ALL be happy.

⭐ Dedicate time to focusing on what is really important to your family.

Let these men Inspire You with Their real stories

1) Sean’s story

Doctor Sean and his family left London 18 months ago to escape to the country.

He made the decision to trade some professional kudos and financial reward for a life in the country, seeing his kids every night for dinner and bedtime plus most weekends. They choose to move to a part of the country where they have family close by for help and social life.

In contrast Sean’s London peers are out working all day, everyday and don’t get to see their kids.

After trying a couple of different work patterns, he and his wife have decided that the best combination of professional progress, income and family time are for Sean to work M, T, Th, F plus 3 in 4 Wednesdays and 1 in 4 Saturdays.

“This will be an income hit but I will at least be able to take the kids to school once a month and have most weekends with them.”

To support his work life balance Sean tries to work a bit smarter, allowing him to leave on time. He is also stricter with his home time - he has stopped answering emails etc out of work hours which he has found surprisingly liberating!

Challenges

“It’s difficult because I need to put the graft in now to make a name for myself, meaning more work will come my way at more convenient times, rather than working the graveyard Saturday shift.

But nothing has changed our underlying vision for how we wanted to live our lives”

2) Insight from Adam - how much money do you actually need?

Adam used to work in the Financial Services industry, he’s now part time in the building trade.

“Ian, you’ve no idea how much money I earnt two years ago, but I gave it up mate, gave it up for the kids, because wanted to spend time with them now.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t go back, but right now it matters to be there for them”

3) Will took action before it was too late

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

Will’s full story is here.

4) A warning from Toby

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

Toby and his wife are separated and to a large extent due to a failure to sort out their work life balance.

Things those guys know, and you need to know…

1. Be honest about what is truly important to you.

2. As a couple you must communicate and agree your priorities.

3. Do the maths - work out the financial trade offs you need to make.

4. Have a plan to stay focused on what is important.

That’s all great Ian but HOW do I actually achieve better work life balance?

get our free PDF and learn How to Implement Our Top Ten Tips to get control of your work life balance.

✅ Stop wasting time and find out what is really causing your work / life stress.

✅ Take control of your working life and avoid burning out.

✅ Reduce your stress - sleep and eat better, gain more energy for your relationships and playing with your children.

✅ Learn what are your real options and rights are, not just what your boss thinks!

✅ Evaluate what type of Dad you want to be and USE this to decide what you want.

✅ Checklist of the steps you need to take to be READY to get what you want.

✅ PLUS - get organised, manage your time and be there when you're there.

“Happier, Healthier and more Heroic.”

Get your free download today - no sign up required!

PS

If you want to know why I know what I’m talking about you can read my story here.

How much do you respect your partner's career?

How much do you respect your partner’s career?

Traditionally men have been the 'breadwinners' in heterosexual relationships, they have focused on work - gaining power, money and prestige though their progression. If they existed at all, women's careers were only a supplement to their partner’s income and this allowed the man to be "all in" for work.

Times are changing... by the time they marry, 'settle down' and have children more and more women have careers that are at least the equal of their partners - definitely true in our family!

Men aren’t always a comfortable with this change.

But one thing is true expectations within relationships have changed. Men are expected to share more of the home and child rearing activities and many of them want to.

Harvard Business Review

Research published in the Harvard Business Journal looked at how men within a global strategy consulting firm responded to the tension between work and family commitments.

Men at the firm believed that to be ‘successful’ they had to be fully committed to work at the expense of their wives' work, the reality of their lives was that most had wives in full or part time work - this created a clear tension between how men thought they should be acting and the reality of their lives.

Creating "career angst and marital conflict".

So how to did these high performing career men reconcile their careers with those of their spouses?

Breadsharers

• 60% of the sample conceived of themselves as 'breadsharers'

"Valuing their wives’ work so highly, these men positioned themselves in sharing terms: placing importance on both partners being able to pursue their work and family-related desires, hopes, and dreams. They supported their wives’ work alongside — and sometimes ahead of — their own."

Breadwinners

• 40% of the sample 'positioned themselves in terms consistent with the traditional male 'breadwinner' identity.'

"These men accorded low social status to their wives’ work, which seemed to prime them to view this work as having little financial importance to the family. This happened even when wives seemed — to an external observer — to be quite financially successful."

We can see from the article that identifying yourself as a ‘Breadsharer’ or ‘Breadwinner’ had nothing to do with any intrinsic financial value the wives' careers had. 

The perceived social status was entirely at the discretion of the man involved.

However, devaluing the status of their wives' careers did allow some men to claim the identity of primary breadwinner and make their personal success at work the most important aspect of the family life.

“How to be a Great Dad AND Have a Great Career”

At Inspiring Dads we believe that long term commitments require a balanced outlook, with both partners' career needs and desires requiring equal focus.

We don't say that Breadwinner = bad and Breadsharer = good but...

• Are you that guy who's wife puts the kids to bed and then sits up at home every night waiting for you to make it home? Wondering why she made all the sacrifices...

• Maybe your wife is pissed off with you because you won't ask to work from home, you know it would make such a big difference for her career but you don't want to be seen as uncommitted?

• Be honest... how do you see your wife’s work - greater, equal or less important than yours?

Working together towards shared goals is what Inspiring Dads is all about.

Great men work together with their partners to establish shared goals.

As one respondent in the HBR article says

“OK, wait. Our life is not going to be the one where I get to do whatever the [expletive] I want job-wise, just because my life is not the center.”

This article was originally written in August 2018 and updated in March 2020.

---

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The Ghost of Christmas Future

The Ghost of Christmas Future

You know the Christmas Carol story - three ghosts take Ebenezer Scrooge through Christmases past, present and future (it’s actually called The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come), Scrooge gets a glimpse of what it his future might look like, and faced with that sadness and despairs he promises to change his ways.

I’m pretty sure no-one reading this will be living their lives like Mr Scrooge, but if you could see into the future how would it look for you?

The Times published a piece called

“Why aren’t successful, middle-aged fathers happy?”

“Looking for more from life? Join the queue. Middle-aged fathers open up about why “success” is a poisoned chalice”

If you put aside any concern as to whether well paid professional men at the pinnacle of their working lives deserve our sympathy and support, then there is a sad tale within the article.

❌ Stories of being financially trapped by their lifestyle.

❌ Stories of becoming disconnected from their families.

❌ Stories of long term illness.

A real sense that ‘successful’ should feel better than this.

Also a realisation that planning ahead and being honest about what they really want, working out how to be happy, would, in hindsight, have been more useful than climbing the career ladder and taking on financial commitments.

“we should have spent more time working out what would have made us all happier.”

“I never stopped to consider that I would effectively be an absentee dad,” says yet another City worker commuting from the nether regions of Sussex. “The priorities were, I suppose, old-fashioned — to have their mother there and to have me providing. Now I think we should have spent more time working out what would have made us all happier.”

“I hate my job… but it’s too late to change now”

“I hate my job, I couldn’t give a toss if I’m a success or not, but it’s too late to change now,” says a 44-year-old pharmaceutical executive with a familiar sense of abject resignation.

“I’ve just renegotiated our mortgage. Back to 25 years. The building society pointed out I’d be 69 when it finishes, but I promised them I’d still be working.”

dads are seeking out help

"I've been following with interest your Inspiring Dads work. It has been niggling me for a long time now, and I find myself working away from home in a sadly average job and then feeling like a bit of a spare part at the weekend. I am monumentally unable to discuss any of this with anyone and, quite simply, I need some help."

They realise that you don’t have to wait until rock bottom before you make a change.

There’s definitely no benefit letting the Ghost of Christmas Future creep up on you.

Our 3 Core Principles

⭐ Talk honestly about what you truly want as a family

⭐ Work out your finances - Understand how much you need to earn

⭐ Know your options for better work life Balance

Need to talk to someone who won’t pass judgement?

You can book a free call with me here:

Photo Credit: Javier Allegue Barros via Unsplash @soymeraki

This 'SITCOM' is no laughing matter

This SITCOM Is no Laughing Matter

Money worries are the number 1 reason married couples split.

"A poll of over 2,000 British adults by legal firm Slater and Gordon found that money worries top the list of reasons why married couples split up, with one in five saying it was the biggest cause of marital strife."

The Independent

"About a third of adults with partners report that money is a big source of conflict"

Investopedia

Worrying stats when you're trying to balance the increased costs of parenthood with potentially reduced income. In a few short years you've gone from being DINKYs* to a particularly hilarious SITCOM.

Only this sitcom is the cause of tension, argument and relationship breakdown.

Because SITCOM stands for "Single Income, Two Children and Oppressive Mortgage"

Maybe you're both working, more income, but more childcare costs. Striving not Thriving?

Congratulations you are DEWKS! don't get too excited it means "Dually Employed With Kids"

Let's be honest - before your own little “DINKY” bundle of fun came along you were pretty sorted financially, decisions weren't as significant, extravagances didn't require as much thought.

No matter how you blend you finances the rules of the game have changed. Get the strategy or tactics wrong and your relationship IS at risk.

PS

I know you’re dying to know what “DINKY” stands for…

It’s Dual Income, No Kids (Yet)

Top Tips to Design Your Family Finances

Money, Money, Money

What does it mean to you?

I'm going to be honest with you - I believe if you are in a committed relationship, raising kids together, you need to pool all your resources.

Whether it is sharing childcare, the household tasks, the mental load or money. You need to be in this together. 

I still remember the motivational motto we had when used to trudge round Dartmoor in the winter when I was a teenager, preparing and competing in  the Ten Tors Event. 

T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More. 

It was important when I was a skinny, slightly awkward 15 year old with an oversized backpack and it’s important now as a Dad and Husband.

Breadwinner or Kept Man?

Many of you male readers will be the primary breadwinner. I'm not even close to that in our house and never have been. When my wife and I met, she earnt 50% more than me, by the time we got married it was 100% more and now it's an even bigger gap. We joke that while she brought a flat and equity to the relationship, I brought a 5 year Ford Focus. 

But none of that matters because

1) We have clear family goals and a plan to achieve them.
2) We understand how much money it costs to meet those goals.
3) We pool our resources - in all parts of our life.

We're in it together -  with a single current account, with various saving accounts for different family goals.

The 2 things you need to do…

There are two things I want you take away from this post 

If you are the primary breadwinner you wield power, both spoken and unspoken. You need to use that power wisely, your relationship will fail if you do not respect your partner’s ambitions and desires and to be honest you don't get to be the breadwinner unless your partner is raising your children - she is enabling your ambitions by being there for the kids. 

1) As a couple you need to be clear on your individual and family goals.

You need to sit down and discuss it properly. Maybe your partner doesn't want to be tied to the school run for 10 years. Do you even know? Maybe you don't want to be working another 20 years for 50 hours a week in this job?

Not sure where to start? Click here and get hold of the free exercise you need.

As Chris Baker from St James Place Wealth Management reminded me the other day - don’t forget to factor in the costs of goals such as University, Life Insurance and Critical Illness cover and potentially school fees. These all require thought, care and an awareness of “combined resources and combined stated, specific objectives. “

2) As a couple you need to work out a financial plan that works for both of you

✅  Treat your finances as joint income and joint expenses.

"A woman on maternity leave having no access to her own money without asking her partner "would be similar to if her partner came into the kitchen and had to ask permission to eat something," 

Source: Quartz at Work

❌ Don't be dismissive of your wife's income 

"I said to her, ‘If you take your job and net out all of the day care expenses and net out all of the extra tax that we have to pay because you work, we’d fundamentally be making the same amount of money between us.’
Source: Harvard Business Review

❌ You shouldn’t treat childcare costs as just an issue for the Mum

"Oh and the point I would add to the bit about paying for childcare is that I think that so many people view childcare costs as coming out of the mum's salary, so feel it isn't worth it. Eg she earns £1.5k and the nanny costs £1.2k, so what's the point? In my view, you should combine both salaries, then deduct childcare costs- they are joint children and a joint expense and conceptually seeing this as coming solely out of the mum's I think is hugely undermining and demotivating."

👉 This is what you need to do 

1.     List your family priorities 
2.    Work out the financial impact for each priority
3.    Will your priorities reduce or increase your family income?
4.    How much money will need and when?
5.    How will you fund it?
Save now for future? Use savings now? Borrowing? At what cost?
6.    Review your current finances
Each month - what’s coming in, what’s going out and where is it going?
7.    Talk about your finances with your partner
Are you Spenders, Savers, Risk takers, Security seekers? Who controls how money is used? 
8.    Design your future budget
Factor in your family priorities, what needs to change to allow those priorities to be supported

Click here for some ideas on how you might make it work 

👉 By the end of the process

• You’ll have reduced your stress by understanding where your money goes.

• You’ll understand how much money you need to achieve the priorities.

• You’ll know what changes you need to make to make it happen.

Don't forget you can click here and get hold of the free exercise you need 

It’s Never “Just” Money

It’s Never “Just” Money

Yesterday I had a great free work life balance stress buster call with "Jim"

Like you he was looking answers to the challenge of Being a Great Dad and Having a Great Career....

I'm not going to embarrass myself and pretend to know what the answer will be for Jim or for you.

But what I do know is that with the right process and the right support, you absolutely can work out your own path. A path that works for you and your family.

********************************

Jim works away from home during the week and has done for most of his working life, the money is good and his wife has a good job too, but he's been struggling with work life balance for the 6 years since his first child was born.

He changed jobs a few years ago, but found that losing out on the creative buzz of the old role was too much to bear.

Now at a bit of a cross roads he booked his free call

I asked him to describe how he wants to feel in 6 months time, when life is how he wants it...

✅ Happy

✅ In the zone

✅ Supportive of others

✅ Sleeping more than 6 hours a night

✅ Feeling strong

But right now he told me

"I don't want to be the Dad who isn't there"

"I don't want to have a life of regret"

"I find I don't laugh as much"

The great thing for Jim, is that he and his wife do talk about how he feels. They've had the type of honest conversations that are so important if you are going to make progress. But Jim admitted to "toning down the volume" on just how unhappy he is.

It's often easier to do that isn't it. Put on a brave face and get your head down.

Then we talked about money.

Money is never just about the pounds and pence. It's loaded with value and meaning. How much you need, how much to spend on your kids. How much you had when you were growing up. How and when you reward yourself. The life you want to give your family. The life you see other people giving their families. Your relationship with borrowing and debt.

Truth is that Jim can afford not to earn as much as he does....

But what would his kids think if the nice holidays aren't as nice?
What would his in laws think if he didn't "make it"?

However, he's spending hundreds of pounds every month on a Nanny to have "quality time with my kids."

It's never just "money"

✅ and that's why being honest with yourself and honest with your partner is so important .

If you need some extra help, someone to listen while you unload your burden, then you could do a lot worse than to book a free call with me

https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/sign-up-consult

I look forward to helping you too

Ian

Why take Shared Parental Leave?

Why take Shared Parental Leave?

Since 2015 it has been possible for parents of new born or adopted children to share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you.

This post will explain the benefits of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and why it has the potential to be a game changer as we move to equal parenting opportunities. Opportunities that will allow Dads to spend much more time with their children.

More and more Dads want to spend time with their young children, even at the cost of their own careers. The choices you make before your children are even born will set the scene for the rest of your life.

Shared Parental Leave gives choice to families. Dads and partners don’t have to miss out on their baby’s first step, word or giggle – they can share the childcare, and share the joy.

Business Minister Andrew Griffiths

Challenges and Opportunities

Aviva

The Insurance company Aviva has a policy that offers equal parental leave to men and women working at Aviva - up to 12 months in the UK, including 26 weeks at full pay.

As with all decisions around having children, returning to work, deciding who will looks after your children and for how long. There can challenges, especially with finances.

Unless you have an employer with enhanced parental leave policy >>

It’s important to consider

• What sort of Dad do you want to be?

• How do you want to be remembered?

• What kind of relationship do you want to build with your children?

The mentality around the early years won’t change until we all accept mums and dads equally equipped to look after their offspring.

Source - Dad Blog UK

A case study for your inspiration.

Uploaded by BEISgovuk on 2018-02-01.

Shared Parental Leave - The Benefits

1.       Improved relationships with your children.

Proof of the bonds with my son (!) - ‘You are a Poo-Poo Head Daddy’

As a new Dad, the time you spend building relationships with your young children is priceless. The potential is there to create brilliant early bonding experiences, they might not remember the details but those bonds will be there forever and you get to be the type of Dad you wanted to be.

I found, too, that it strengthened the bond between my son and me. He became less crazy-sleepysuit-of-madness and more of a little buddy. And when I came to be the one who was there when he was hungry or tired or had bonked his head, the more he understood I was a source of comfort, too. That effort has lasted into his toddler years and, I hope, long beyond that.

Adam Dewar - The Guardian

2.      Practical and emotional support for each other.

The prevailing wisdom is that Maternity Leave is wonderful time for mothers to bond with their babies, but many women struggle with the emotional and practical challenges of looking after babies, especially if they have other children too.

Post Natal Depression is very common among women and likely to be under-reported in men. Sharing leave either together or separately could literally be a lifesaver.

The peak time for postnatal depression in men is three to six months after the birth . As with postnatal depression in mums, it often goes unreported. The symptoms can look a lot like the everyday stresses of having a newborn .

Source: NCT

My own experience of the first 6 months of our first baby’s life was of phoning my wife each lunchtime and fearing hearing how she had struggled that morning with our reflux suffering daughter.

Click here for more on benefits of SPL for Mums.

By sharing the parenting duties you’ll be sharing the mental load and improving gender equality at home.

3.       earlier return to the workplace for your partner

It’s not necessarily going to be your priority as a couple, but SPL could be a powerful tool.

Rather than one parent taking 8 months of out work - with the associated practical and long term pay challenges this can lead to (aka the Motherhood Penalty). You both take 4 months.

Your partner can get back to the career she loves, knowing that the little one is in great hands. While you get the benefits of bonding with your kids.

The longer anyone is out of the workplace the harder it is to return. By sharing leave and care it allows women to return to the workplace earlier if they want by supporting a more seamless transition back to the workplace.

4.       You’ll be happier

If you are one of the many many Dads who wants to more involved in the lives of his young family then being able to take that opportunity and not feel frustrated and left out is so important.

By normalising Dads looking after children, you’ll be a leader of men, with all the fame, fortune and kudos that brings. Plus you’ll get to discover Octonauts, one of the best kids TV ever produced.

5.       Reduce the Gender Pay Gap

Source

This is the big picture really.

✅ Doing what you want - looking after your young children.

✅ Your partner doesn’t have to spend so long away from the workplace.

✅ Female progression in the workplace becomes more likely as employers can’t assume that it is only women who take time off when couples have children. They will have to treat talent equally.

True equality is gained by having true equality of choice of parenting.

“Better gender balance makes business more successful. The McKinsey Global Institute (2015) estimated that a scenario in which women achieve complete gender parity with men could increase global output by more than one-quarter relative to a business-as-usual scenario.

Source: Axis Network.

Shared Parental Leave - Next Steps

If this looks like something you would like to do we have a few key steps:

1. Find out what your firm’s policy is.

2. Find out and talk to people in your business who have taken SPL.

3. Run the UK Government Calculator.

4. Talk to New Dads. Build a network and discuss your options.

5. Talk to your partner - be honest about what you want to do

6. Understand what you can afford to do.

7. Compare the financial investment v the benefits you’ve learnt.

SPL pays currently £145.18 per week or 90 per cent of average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. Where employers haven’t extended enhanced maternity schemes to SPL, it often doesn’t make financial sense for the father, who typically earns more, to take SPL. 

Source - CIPD

Shared Parental Leave - The Facts

Below is a summary of the UK government rules - for full details click here.  

*** There are some differences in the eligibility of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP). Please use the calculator or check the government guidance.

Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child.

Some assumptions

To keep this simple we are talking about SPL for Dads of newborns.

Overview

1. You can share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you. The mother is obliged to take two weeks’ leave, but following that, it would be up to the couple as to how they split the remaining 50 weeks – 37 with statutory pay of up to £145.18 a week.

2. You need to share the pay and leave in the first year after your child is born or placed with your family.

3. You can use SPL to take leave in blocks separated by periods of work or take it all in one go.

4. You can also choose to be off work together or to stagger the leave and pay.

Eligibility

To be eligible for Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and Statutory Shared Parental Pay (ShPP), both parents must:

1. Share responsibility for the child at birth.

2. Meet work and pay criteria - these are different depending on which parent wants to use the shared parental leave and pay

If both parents want to share the SPL and ShPP

You and your partner must:

1. Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time you got pregnant).

2. Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.

3. Be ‘employees’ (not ‘workers’).

4. Each earn on average at least £116 a week.

If, as the mother’s partner, you want to take the SPL and ShPP

The mother must:

1. Have been working for at least 26 weeks (they do not need to be in a row) during the 66 weeks before the week the baby’s due.

2. Have earned at least £390 in total across any 13 of the 66 weeks.

You must:

1. Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time the mother got pregnant).

2. Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.

3. Be an ‘employee’ (not a ‘worker’).

4. Earn on average at least £116 a week.

Confused yet?

Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child

When can you start?

You can only start Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP) once the child has been born or placed for adoption.

The mother (or the person getting adoption leave) must either:

1. Return to work, which ends any maternity or adoption leave

2. Give their employer ‘binding notice’ of the date when they plan to end their leave (you cannot normally change the date you give in binding notice)

You can start SPL while your partner is still on maternity or adoption leave as long as they’ve given binding notice to end it.

(You can give binding notice and say when you plan to take your SPL at the same time.)

Some more Inspiration…

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2018/dec/01/meet-the-couples-who-share-parental-leave-and-its-highs-and-lows

https://dadbloguk.com/shared-parental-leave-experience

One man's story of how he fixed his work life balance.

One Man’s story of how he fixed his work life balance

It’s not easy to get the right work life balance for you and your family. But it is possible.

I’m often having conversations when people tell me

I’d love to get better work life balance but I can’t see how it is possible and I definitely can’t afford to step away from my path.

Will’s story is here to show you how, by following the key Inspiring Dad’s principles, you too can make real progress in your life.

1.       Discover Your Values, Priorities And True Purpose

2.      Develop Your Communication Skills And Nurture Key Relationships.

3.      Create A Work Life Balance That Delivers The Priorities That Really Matter To You.

Q&A with Will

⭐ Tell me what life was like for you.

Photo Credit: Ben White via Unsplash

“We had 2 children and I was struggling with my work hours. I didn’t see them in the morning, I was out house at 6am, not back before 7.30pm at the earliest

I was earning very good money, but I was doing it because I’d always done it.

When our son was 4, we didn’t get the primary school place that we really wanted. So, we decided to send him to a local private school. It was the right decision at the time, but it increased the pressure on me to carry on earning at the same level.”

⭐ How did you feel about your life at that time?

“Unhappy. So busy, too busy. And too tired at the weekends to enjoy our downtime.”

⭐ What made you address it?

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

⭐ What did you do?

“My wife and I went back to barebones – what matters to us and how do we do more of it? We decided to focus on what really makes you happy – gives you joy. For us it was about being there for the kids, rather than grand expensive gestures. In contrast to me my wife loves her job and it allows working from home too.

We started by trimming our income. We spoke to our son’s private school and the primary we wanted and managed to move schools – massively reducing our outgoings. My wife increased to 4 days a week – but 2 days a week from home. This saved us the money needed to give me to allow me to retrain, but I still needed to do it quickly.

I wanted to do something worthwhile to answer the question – “why am I here?”. It needed to build on the skills and experience I already had. I decided to become a financial advisor. The industry has moved on from the hard sales mis-selling scandals of recent years.

It’s possible to be ethical.”

⭐ How is life now?

“I love my life. I’m effectively self-employed, I get to set my own schedule, to help out at Cubs every week. I’m not too shattered by the time it comes to the weekend.

The downsides are I spend something like 40,000 miles a year in the car visiting clients, we have less income, and I’m never really ‘not working’, I can’t afford to miss contacting potential clients ‘just’ because I’m on holiday.

But those are relative downsides when set against the benefits and the opportunity to ‘be there’ regularly.”

⭐ What are your top tips for other Dads?

✅ You have a choice
✅ Don’t wait for rock bottom – it’s not a lot of fun there.
✅ Identify what you what - Be honest.

It can be hard to see a way out but there are always choices, the option to take some control of your circumstances.

And hide your phone away when you are with your family – it stops you being ‘present’ and it causes you stress.

👉 To sum up

Will was struggling with his work life balance, even if his family were happy. This can be a tricky place to be, but knowing what rock bottom could mean, he knew the stakes were high. He needed to be vulnerable – to let go of the provider mentality.

His fear of rock bottom was greater than his fear of being honest.

✅ He was honest with his wife.
✅ He got her support. They communicated openly. 
✅ They made and followed through with a plan.

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