Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage

Freya is nearly 12 and Struan nearly 9, but in common with so many couples, we experienced miscarriages. Our first and third pregnancies ended in early term miscarriage. In this important guest blog post, psychotherapist Noel McDermott looks at the emotional impact of miscarriage and how we can improve support for men. Many men can experience an acute emotional response to the loss of a pregnancy, and it is important to create space for their own experience. Here Noel looks at how loss is a natural process that needs a support approach as we pass through its stages.

Ian, Inspiring Dads

Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage

Probably the most important thing to say about this is not that men will or won’t get any particular set of feelings and experiences after a miscarriage, but that the focus will be more on the woman and and the man’s experience will be seen as secondary. Their experience may well be different to their partner, and this may increase the sense that it is secondary. Guys are likely to see themselves as having to be strong in these situations and showing vulnerability and distress as failing in their role as supporter. 

Toxic masculinity - signs of psychological distress

We can say with certainty that men who don’t identify difficult feelings and find support for them, will usually turn to destructive ways of coping. Much of what is termed ‘toxic masculinity’ is an expression of psychological distress. In this case, the lack of identifying and dealing healthily with difficult feelings, can result in excessive drinking, aggression, isolation, loss of sleep, changes in appetite, seeking sexual relationships outside the partnership as ways to cope.

How to deal with feelings in a positive way

There is a need to provide basic information to men going through this and present it in straightforward ways, explaining that there are positive and negative ways of dealing with feelings brought up during times of loss and distress and it’s very much a decision to be made, in therapy this is called a psycho-educational resource. Much distress and the development of maladaptive coping strategies can be avoided by this simple approach, of giving knowledge about what to expect and what is normal in times of psychological challenge. Psychoeducation is in fact one of the cornerstones of modern therapy and is evidenced to be highly effective both in treating distress but also in preventing it.

“What can’t happen is to not have feelings. Men may want to put to one side uncomfortable feelings so as to be better at helping and supporting or just to avoid pain. Emotions cannot exist selectively, it’s not possible to choose which ones to have, we either have them or we don’t. Not having emotions involves highly dysfunctional behaviours such as for example, excessive drug and alcohol consumption.” 

Normalising feelings and emotions

What is normal and indeed healthy in this situation will in fact be a broad range of things, normalising is another tool that is very helpful. Knowing what we are experiencing is normal leads to us developing greater distress tolerance and reduces the likelihood of maladaptive acting out. We cope better being able to tell ourselves that this is just part of the experience. If a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry, the range of things that might occur are:

• Loss and loneliness

• Anger and sadness

• Numbing out through grief

• Loss of libido or the opposite hyper-sexual responses

• Feeling of guilt or the opposite displacement into blame

• Problems with sleep, mood, emotional regulation, appetite, motivation, having a general sense of dread, not seeing a hopeful future

• Struggles in the relationship as you seem to separate from each other in the hurt and loss

Male bonding: Men’s emotional health

Without a doubt the best therapy in life is the company and support of other humans that we care about and who care about us. The herd is where we feel safe and where we get most boosts from in terms of our health and wellbeing. Simply being in the company of folk we like when we are troubled will reduce our stress responses to our troubles. For men this is often the best approach, not dealing with the problem head on but in a roundabout way by having good social time with mates. Often guys will open up during these contacts but arranging to meet a mate to discuss their difficult feelings can often seem alien and indeed could be counterproductive. Activity based support often work better for men, the distraction of the activity reduces the tension of dealing with challenging feelings, particularly if, as is likely the case with miscarriage, there may be significant feelings of failure and shame.

How to support your partner after a miscarriage

Being able to be honest about how difficult a man is finding the loss, is often very helpful to their partner. Many men don’t intuit this as culturally they are not brought up so, but by actually revealing that you are struggling will help your partner and can in fact potentially reduce their own sense of failure and isolation. Though this won’t be true in all cases it is a general rule that is helpful. In this way the possibility of the relationship breaking up, which is the fear for the guy here, is reduced.

Male psychology as culturally programmed is to be of use, to be able to provide and do stuff, the more intangible support such as being rather doing can be experienced in an awkward manner. It’s an important skill in this though as loss is more of a natural process that needs little actual intervention as such, and more of a support approach as we pass through its stages. 

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About the Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is a Psychotherapist with over 25 years’ experience in health, social care, and education. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home – www.noelcdermott.net  

 Where to get more help 

The Miscarriage Society produces a leaflet for men simply explaining what they might experience during this time. It legitimises men’s experiences during this time and provides the  information in a way that is accessible and emotionally manageable -

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Men-and-Miscarriage.pdf 

Watch Noel as a Guest on the Lockdown Dads podcast

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My Inspiration - Catching the “right” Train

My Inspiration - Catching the “Right” train

It really goes back to 2009, when my wife and I were preparing for the arrival of our daughter, and we were thinking about how we were going to live our lives - what we were going to do differently.

The choice that we made, was that I would ask for reduced hours in 2010 after our daughter was born, and then, at some stage, about six months after she was born, I would stop work altogether. We’d have a transition period and then my wife would go back to work when her maternity leave was over.

Lisa would have 6 months of full paid maternity leave, a good job working as a lawyer in London and I was working as a Management Consultant which is also a good job, a well paid job but in terms of the financial decision, about who was best placed to look after our daughter after those early days, the decision was made that I would take a career break

Becoming a Dad

So in January 2010 our daughter was born and I moved four days a week, with my fifth day, my “at home” day was flexible, built around the business needs.

So I had a pretty good situation. I had a commutable job - consultancy could be really tough, it could be a long way away from home, but actually, for me, for us, it worked pretty well.

However, it was still really really tough. Freya had reflux, quite severe reflux in the early days, and I used to dread the time when I would phone and check in with Lisa to find out how her morning had been.

Emotional pressures

It was a lunch time call. I’d get my sandwich from downstairs… I would sit in a quiet spot outside the office and I would phone in and I would ask her how things were and depending on what she said… it would have a fundamental impact on my emotional well-being for the rest of the day. You know, particularly for her, if Freya was a bit of a nightmare and she was screaming a lot and she wouldn't feed! She was good at sleeping at night - not good during the day at all. That had a profound impact on my own emotional state for the rest of the day.

Catching the right train

What I found out later was that Lisa, knew exactly which train I was planning to get, it was the same train every day and she knew exactly what time I would walk through the door, and if I couldn't get that train, she really felt those extra 15 minutes, they made a real, real big difference to her and it really affected her, it really made the day stretch out and it went so much slower.

Initially I didn't realise the impact of that train. I had a target train. I had something I wanted to do, but knowing how important that was, was a real game-changer for me in terms of how I approached work, how I got focused in terms of leaving on time and getting the correct train.

And that's one of the initial reasons why I founded Inspiring Dads. When I reflected on my experiences, I realised I had knowledge and skills that I could use to help and support new dads through the emotional trauma of becoming a dad.

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The Inspiring Dads Vision

Active And Involved Fathers Who Stand Out, Stand Up And Make A Difference

We believe that this generation of dads is ready to embrace a new type of working life, one that blends work and family in a way rarely previously experienced by men.

No longer constrained by traditional and divisive gender norms around “bread-winning” and “caring”, these dads are ready to be the hands-on fathers they don’t remember growing up.

We know that more time spent looking after their children is good for dad’s well-being and mental health, unlocks workplace opportunities for their partners and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like.in the workplace.

This generation of dads understands that you shouldn’t have to choose between “being a great dad and having a great career”, and with the right support they will drive improved choice and gender equality for everyone.

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash

Our Values

Flexible Working For All

Everyone wins when dads feel comfortable seeking out the type of flexible working patterns that support their desire to be an active and involved father. #Flexforall.

Supporting Dads Leads To Gender Equality

In order to create equality at home and at work, we need to move away from support that appears to be ‘perks’ just for mums (unequal parental leave, maternity coaching and part time and flexible work).

Communication Is Key

Dads need to be honest about their needs and pressures, and learn to talk openly with partners, managers and co-workers to design working lives that deliver what they and their families need.

Photo Credit: @snapsbyfox via Unsplash