Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.

We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.

We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.

Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.

Contents

01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent

03:00 Ian and the “done” list

04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.

07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”

08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.

09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”

09:45

“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”

11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.

12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…

13:30

Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.

15:30

“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”

He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…

He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.

17:30 Taking massive and immediate action

18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity

19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.

21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.

24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.

26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand

Tips (27:00)

Bird watching for the soul

A selection of stoic maxims.

• Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.

• Nothing to excess.

• Surety brings ruin.

Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld

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More from Dan

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-stanley-bettermen-coaching/

https://better-men.uk/

@wildlittlethingsphoto

How to... Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

How to… Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

Stressed dads need support to face the realities of managing work and fatherhood commitments. 

Just because this is my coaching niche it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sorted, far from it. I’m struggling with when to work, how to schedule things, expectation management - especially my own expectations about what is possible. 

More than ever, being present in the moment is important, setting aside time with the kids and time to work. Focusing as much as possible on one thing at a time.

If you’re new to the working from home thing I'd definitely suggest wisely using the time you would have spent commuting. 

** My top tip is making sure domestic responsibilities are shared fairly.

Making sure you have open lines of communication with your partner and that everyone's needs are met is one really important way to survive the practical and emotional challenges that prolonged periods of time at home are bringing.

It's not going to be easy, but the harsh truth is that if you always defined your worth by the income you provided you might need to redefine your role in a much broader way. 

With kids at home, we men can't just shut the door and retreat into our work bubble.

It's literally all hands on deck. For men, the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required for a household to function might come as a shock, especially if you tend to leave that stuff to your partner. It's called mental load and you're going to get a much better sense of it in the next few months.

It's time to step up, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.

Of course you could ignore this challenge and become a viral sensation on Mumsnet...

"I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to do when both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum."

In case the prospect of reading Mumsnet scares you, here's some responses

"Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this."

"He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!" 

"Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up."

"I've had pretty much the same from DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the Xbox." 

And the kicker...

"He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him."

Now more than ever, life is tough

The challenge of balancing work and fatherhood has been cranked up to 11. Some relationships definitely won't survive.

James Millar, writing in Workingdads.co.uk talks about how it is up to us men

“To be the best partners, parents, educators and… employers and employees we can be.”

Embrace the new normal and accept that “Good enough is good enough”

If your marriage is going to make it, you might need to be doing something different. Improving your communication and sharing domestic physical and emotional labour will help you.

Need some help to get it right and talk through the problem you have?