HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD

Career, Inspiration, New Dad Ian Dinwiddy Career, Inspiration, New Dad Ian Dinwiddy

My Inspiration - Catching the “right” Train

Learn how my experiences of navigating the emotional pressures of being a new dad inspired my business vision.

My Inspiration - Catching the “Right” train

It really goes back to 2009, when my wife and I were preparing for the arrival of our daughter, and we were thinking about how we were going to live our lives - what we were going to do differently.

The choice that we made, was that I would ask for reduced hours in 2010 after our daughter was born, and then, at some stage, about six months after she was born, I would stop work altogether. We’d have a transition period and then my wife would go back to work when her maternity leave was over.

Lisa would have 6 months of full paid maternity leave, a good job working as a lawyer in London and I was working as a Management Consultant which is also a good job, a well paid job but in terms of the financial decision, about who was best placed to look after our daughter after those early days, the decision was made that I would take a career break

Becoming a Dad

So in January 2010 our daughter was born and I moved four days a week, with my fifth day, my “at home” day was flexible, built around the business needs.

So I had a pretty good situation. I had a commutable job - consultancy could be really tough, it could be a long way away from home, but actually, for me, for us, it worked pretty well.

However, it was still really really tough. Freya had reflux, quite severe reflux in the early days, and I used to dread the time when I would phone and check in with Lisa to find out how her morning had been.

Emotional pressures

It was a lunch time call. I’d get my sandwich from downstairs… I would sit in a quiet spot outside the office and I would phone in and I would ask her how things were and depending on what she said… it would have a fundamental impact on my emotional well-being for the rest of the day. You know, particularly for her, if Freya was a bit of a nightmare and she was screaming a lot and she wouldn't feed! She was good at sleeping at night - not good during the day at all. That had a profound impact on my own emotional state for the rest of the day.

Catching the right train

What I found out later was that Lisa, knew exactly which train I was planning to get, it was the same train every day and she knew exactly what time I would walk through the door, and if I couldn't get that train, she really felt those extra 15 minutes, they made a real, real big difference to her and it really affected her, it really made the day stretch out and it went so much slower.

Initially I didn't realise the impact of that train. I had a target train. I had something I wanted to do, but knowing how important that was, was a real game-changer for me in terms of how I approached work, how I got focused in terms of leaving on time and getting the correct train.

And that's one of the initial reasons why I founded Inspiring Dads. When I reflected on my experiences, I realised I had knowledge and skills that I could use to help and support new dads through the emotional trauma of becoming a dad.


The Inspiring Dads Vision

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Active And Involved Fathers Who Stand Out, Stand Up And Make A Difference

We believe that this generation of dads is ready to embrace a new type of working life, one that blends work and family in a way rarely previously experienced by men.

No longer constrained by traditional and divisive gender norms around “bread-winning” and “caring”, these dads are ready to be the hands-on fathers they don’t remember growing up.

We know that more time spent looking after their children is good for dad’s well-being and mental health, unlocks workplace opportunities for their partners and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like.in the workplace.

This generation of dads understands that you shouldn’t have to choose between “being a great dad and having a great career”, and with the right support they will drive improved choice and gender equality for everyone.

 
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash

Our Values

Flexible Working For All

Everyone wins when dads feel comfortable seeking out the type of flexible working patterns that support their desire to be an active and involved father. #Flexforall.

Supporting Dads Leads To Gender Equality

In order to create equality at home and at work, we need to move away from support that appears to be ‘perks’ just for mums (unequal parental leave, maternity coaching and part time and flexible work).

Communication Is Key

Dads need to be honest about their needs and pressures, and learn to talk openly with partners, managers and co-workers to design working lives that deliver what they and their families need.

Photo Credit: @snapsbyfox via Unsplash

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Relationships, Money, Career, Inspiration, Balance Ian Dinwiddy Relationships, Money, Career, Inspiration, Balance Ian Dinwiddy

How To… Fix Your Work Life Balance and save your Relationship

Let’s talk work life balance and show you some stories

How to… fix your work life balance and save your relationship

Real men, real stories

“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”… Covid is the gift that keeps giving.

Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.

But, it WILL get better and then you’ll have a massive opportunity.

The New Reality

With so many men spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.

and this includes parenting...

The world tends to assume that only mums are able to look after children and men can't do that role. It's incredibly damaging for relationships, choice and opportunity.

Men don't feel able to be anything other than "all in" for work and women struggle with trying to do everything for everyone.

At the moment the emotional and mental load are cranked up to 11 and men need to step up to the domestic plate in a way that we might not ever have had to before.

Photo credit: Matthew Rader via Unsplash @matthew_t_rader

Photo credit: Matthew Rader via Unsplash @matthew_t_rader

The opportunity

But I have faith in our ability to take on those domestic roles that society doesn’t believe we can do and then we can change the entire conversation about what it means to be a dad.

We aren’t just breadwinners. We’re stand-in teachers, cooks, ironing machines and leaders and to continue the amazing benefits we’ve already experienced when we merging our work and home lives we’re going to need better work life balance.

Not just to be a hero to our kids and being there for the moments that matter, but taking on our fair share around the house.

This will be the opportunity to fix your work life balance once and for all and be the hands on, active and involved father you don’t remember growing up.

Don’t get me wrong, our dads did their best, but it that was a different time and you want to be a different type of dad.

If Covid-19 has taught us one thing, it’s that many of us don’t HAVE to be in the office to do our jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.

A way that allows us to the type of dad you always wanted to be.

It’s time to fix your work life balance and save your relationship

⭐ You’ll need to be honest about what is truly important to you.

⭐ Learn to communicate effectively as a couple, so that everyone’s needs are met.

⭐ Understand the financial trade-offs you might need to make to ALL be happy.

⭐ Dedicate time to focusing on what is really important to your family.

Let these men Inspire You with Their real stories

1) Sean’s story

Doctor Sean and his family left London 18 months ago to escape to the country.

He made the decision to trade some professional kudos and financial reward for a life in the country, seeing his kids every night for dinner and bedtime plus most weekends. They choose to move to a part of the country where they have family close by for help and social life.

In contrast Sean’s London peers are out working all day, everyday and don’t get to see their kids.

After trying a couple of different work patterns, he and his wife have decided that the best combination of professional progress, income and family time are for Sean to work M, T, Th, F plus 3 in 4 Wednesdays and 1 in 4 Saturdays.

“This will be an income hit but I will at least be able to take the kids to school once a month and have most weekends with them.”

To support his work life balance Sean tries to work a bit smarter, allowing him to leave on time. He is also stricter with his home time - he has stopped answering emails etc out of work hours which he has found surprisingly liberating!

Challenges

“It’s difficult because I need to put the graft in now to make a name for myself, meaning more work will come my way at more convenient times, rather than working the graveyard Saturday shift.

But nothing has changed our underlying vision for how we wanted to live our lives”

2) Insight from Adam - how much money do you actually need?

Adam used to work in the Financial Services industry, he’s now part time in the building trade.

Ian, you’ve no idea how much money I earnt two years ago, but I gave it up mate, gave it up for the kids, because wanted to spend time with them now.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t go back, but right now it matters to be there for them”

3) Will took action before it was too late

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

Will’s full story is here.

4) A warning from Toby

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

Toby and his wife are separated and to a large extent due to a failure to sort out their work life balance.

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Things those guys know, and you need to know…

  1. Be honest about what is truly important to you.

  2. As a couple you must communicate and agree your priorities.

  3. Do the maths - work out the financial trade offs you need to make.

  4. Have a plan to stay focused on what is important.


That’s all great Ian but HOW do I actually achieve better work life balance?

get our free PDF and learn How to Implement Our Top Ten Tips to get control of your work life balance.

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✅ Stop wasting time and find out what is really causing your work / life stress.

✅ Take control of your working life and avoid burning out.

Reduce your stress - sleep and eat better, gain more energy for your relationships and playing with your children.

✅ Learn what are your real options and rights are, not just what your boss thinks!

✅ Evaluate what type of Dad you want to be and USE this to decide what you want.

✅ Checklist of the steps you need to take to be READY to get what you want.

✅ PLUS - get organised, manage your time and be there when you're there.

“Happier, Healthier and more Heroic.”

Get your free download today - no sign up required!

PS

If you want to know why I know what I’m talking about you can read my story here.

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One man's story of how he fixed his work life balance.

*You have a choice

*Don’t wait for rock bottom

*Identify what you want, be honest.

One Man’s story of how he fixed his work life balance

It’s not easy to get the right work life balance for you and your family. But it is possible.

I’m often having conversations when people tell me

I’d love to get better work life balance but I can’t see how it is possible and I definitely can’t afford to step away from my path.

Will’s story is here to show you how, by following the key Inspiring Dad’s principles, you too can make real progress in your life.

1.       Discover Your Values, Priorities And True Purpose

2.      Develop Your Communication Skills And Nurture Key Relationships.

3.      Create A Work Life Balance That Delivers The Priorities That Really Matter To You.

Q&A with Will

⭐ Tell me what life was like for you.

Photo Credit: Ben White via Unsplash

Photo Credit: Ben White via Unsplash

“We had 2 children and I was struggling with my work hours. I didn’t see them in the morning, I was out house at 6am, not back before 7.30pm at the earliest

I was earning very good money, but I was doing it because I’d always done it.

When our son was 4, we didn’t get the primary school place that we really wanted. So, we decided to send him to a local private school. It was the right decision at the time, but it increased the pressure on me to carry on earning at the same level.”

⭐ How did you feel about your life at that time?

“Unhappy. So busy, too busy. And too tired at the weekends to enjoy our downtime.”

⭐ What made you address it?

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

⭐ What did you do?

“My wife and I went back to barebones – what matters to us and how do we do more of it? We decided to focus on what really makes you happy – gives you joy. For us it was about being there for the kids, rather than grand expensive gestures. In contrast to me my wife loves her job and it allows working from home too.

We started by trimming our income. We spoke to our son’s private school and the primary we wanted and managed to move schools – massively reducing our outgoings. My wife increased to 4 days a week – but 2 days a week from home. This saved us the money needed to give me to allow me to retrain, but I still needed to do it quickly.

I wanted to do something worthwhile to answer the question – “why am I here?”. It needed to build on the skills and experience I already had. I decided to become a financial advisor. The industry has moved on from the hard sales mis-selling scandals of recent years.

It’s possible to be ethical.”

⭐ How is life now?

“I love my life. I’m effectively self-employed, I get to set my own schedule, to help out at Cubs every week. I’m not too shattered by the time it comes to the weekend.

The downsides are I spend something like 40,000 miles a year in the car visiting clients, we have less income, and I’m never really ‘not working’, I can’t afford to miss contacting potential clients ‘just’ because I’m on holiday.

But those are relative downsides when set against the benefits and the opportunity to ‘be there’ regularly.”

⭐ What are your top tips for other Dads?

✅ You have a choice
✅ Don’t wait for rock bottom – it’s not a lot of fun there.
✅ Identify what you what - Be honest.

It can be hard to see a way out but there are always choices, the option to take some control of your circumstances.

And hide your phone away when you are with your family – it stops you being ‘present’ and it causes you stress.

👉 To sum up

Will was struggling with his work life balance, even if his family were happy. This can be a tricky place to be, but knowing what rock bottom could mean, he knew the stakes were high. He needed to be vulnerable – to let go of the provider mentality.

His fear of rock bottom was greater than his fear of being honest.

✅ He was honest with his wife.
✅ He got her support. They communicated openly. 
✅ They made and followed through with a plan.

(No sign up required)

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Balance Ian Dinwiddy Balance Ian Dinwiddy

What are your options for improving your work life balance?

You want to get your work life balance sorted, but it can be tough to know how to do it!

Call it work life ‘balance’ or ‘harmony’ or just life.

If it isn’t working for you…

You need to change things.

This post talks about HOW to change things.

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Assumption 1 - You understand how you and your family feel.

If you’re not really sure then you must read this blog post first. It shows you how to assess your circumstances plus you’ll get some timely reminders about why it’s so important.

Assumption 2 - You have a problem with your current ‘balance’.

If everyone is happy then you don’t need to change anything.

✅We call it an ‘A’ in this blog post.

Assumption 3 - You believe it is possible to improve it!

If you don’t yet believe read how Dads like you have worked out their path.

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Assumption 4 - You know your ‘WHY’

It’s a core principle that we teach:

✅ Talk honestly about what you truly want as a family.

a.       How often do you want to be at home?

b.      When do you want to be at home?

c.       What does this mean for you?

d.      What does it mean for your family?

Here’s a short video about Dads talking about what flexible working means to them.

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✅ Know your options to achieve better work life balance

First up there’s a difference between ‘flexibility’ at work and proper work life balance.

Flexibility = taking time out from work to do life stuff.

Let’s include things like doctor’s appointments, emergency child care duties, working from home once a year to see the nativity performance.

For me this is just managing life.

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For the purposes of this example, we’re going to assume a starting point of 40 hours - 9 til 5 pm

If you have others or a story to inspire than please do drop us a note!

⭐ your options to improve your work life balance ⭐

  1. Core Hours with flexible hours outside of that.

  2. A day or more working from home.

  3. Leave early, log in at home later.

  4. Flex start and finish times.

    1. Early in, early home. 7am – 4pm

    2. Late In, Late home. 10am – 7pm

  5. Compressed hours - 5 days work ‘compressed’ into 4 days.

  6. Home based working.

  7. Part-time jobs – 4 days, 3 days, 2 days a week.

  8. Job Share

  9. Career change

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HERE’S Some Inspiration…

Case study 1 - Flexi-time - with core hours

‘I exploit flexi-time in this area. I drop son off between 8:15 to 8:30 in order to get into the office for 9:00 am. I knock off early on Friday afternoon in order to collect son from nursery

Apart from core hours of between 9:30 and 4:30 tend to stay later twice a week to get out early or on time the rest of the week’.

Case study 2 - Flexi-time - with core hours

‘For me, it's all about flexibility and a credit to my employer, the kit they provide, and a boss who allows me to flex around work and childcare commitments.

My team and I keep core hours of 10am - 4pm, but flex around that to allow for earlier or later starts and finishes depending on life commitments.

And there's flexibility to work from home and/or catch up from home in the evenings if necessary. But it's all founded on trust and respect that it's all a balance... ‘

Case Study 3 - Compressed Hours

‘I do 10-2 pm Mon, normal hours on Tue , Weds and Thurs, Fri 10-2 pm ...so 4.5 days over 5. It worked really well. I got to set the week up well, work through Thursday with everyone and on Friday make sure everything wrapped up as well as could be.’

Case study 4 - Compressed Hours

‘10am - 4.30pm. This is to enable me to do nursery and school drop offs and pick ups.’

Case study 5 - 35 hours compressed into 4 days

‘I’ve been on 5 in 4 for the last 6 years. I had to cover off 8.75 hours a day.’ 

A note on compressed hours v 4 days

If you try and work part time, 4 days a week the reality is you're still going to work full time hours anyway, so go for 5 days worth of hours compressed into 4 days.

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Your rights

Since 2014 everyone in the UK has had a right to request flexible working. Yes, you absolutely can ask!

Click here for a link to the UK Government press release.

Click here to find out about flexible friendly businesses.

There are clear rules that Employees and Employers must follow

Click here for a link on the rules on requesting flexible working.

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Your plan

You need to consider a number of factors

  1. Your boss’s potential attitude - how much do they trust you?

  2. Your seniority - the more senior you are the more they want to keep you happy.

  3. What are your remote tech options?

  4. Meetings schedule

  5. What have other people done? - most business it will be women who have achieved flexible arrangements.

  6. Client expectations.

  7. How much do you want it? What’s your why!

✅ Anticipate all their specific objections and address them.

✅ If you currently have team meetings at the start / end of the day, suggest that they can easily be moved.

✅ Accentuate the positives

✅ Say you'll be available at home for calls and emails if necessary during busy periods.

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Need help designing and implementing your own plan?

We’ve got a FREE 10 page PDF called The Work Life Balance Top Ten Tips that sets out our key tips. click below to get it>>>

Or join our free Facebook group - full of guys like you designing and making changes to their lives.

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Ian Dinwiddy, Founder

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