HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
In conversation with Coldplay's Will Champion
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay.
Champion of the World
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay. In this episode of Lockdown Dads, we discover how a focus on their relationships has been as important as the music, what work life balance means in a band when you have kids and what Will is looking forward to most when lockdown finishes.
Self described (with tongue in cheek) “soft rock dinosaur,” we find out how Will feels about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary - the good, the cringe-worthy and the comforting.
We explore how the pandemic has been for the band, for his family and sadness he feels for artists on the cusp of success - with momentum pulled from under them.
Will talks openly about family, fatherhood and masculinity - the similarities between his role as a dad at home and his role in his second family where fortunately no one is a frustrated frontman!
Luck, personalities, hard work and a focus on relationships and above all else being grateful.
Contents
01:00 Definitely an air of optimism, a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for my kids.
01:50 Not touring with the last album turned out to be almost clairvoyant…
“We've managed to find a few moments to kind of play together and to record together, which has been brilliant. And so we're just sort of planning the next move really.”
02:45 We're lucky because we can afford to wait and we can we can choose the right time to do it for us
“I just feel so sorry for so many people, because momentum is a hard thing to kind of conjure up. And when you have it as a band or an artist or in any walk of life it's really good to try and grab it when you can. For so many people, that opportunity has been ripped away. So I think we're very lucky in this situation that we're in.”
04:00 Ian looking forward to the end of home school and binge watch Marvel films for the first time.
06:20 James - great weather, but an irritating Joe Wicks injury!
08:00 Will’s working dad status - father of three and freelancer
08:56 Olga Fitzroy is like Bruce Wayne. (Read more about her Parental Pay Equality campaign)
“Extraordinary sound engineer and producer by day and a politician and campaigner by night… she's brilliant.”
09:50 Children, touring and balancing family life with work.
“On the most recent tour we did in 2016, the Head Full of Dreams tour, I think the longest I was away from my kids and my wife at any one time, it was about two weeks. it takes a lot of planning and it takes a lot of organization, but ultimately it's what keeps us happy and what keeps us able to commit and to really throw ourselves into the music.”
12:40 Being in a band is like being in a family.
“We realised early on was that in order to make sure that we were going to stay together, for the band to be healthy, we had to concentrate as much on us or the interpersonal relationships as we do on our music.”
Chemistry between band mates is the most prized possession that you have…
15:15 Too busy for boxsets, books and learning new languages
17:00 We talk about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary
“I think it's a lovely thing for people who like our music and like our band… what's amazing is to be able to see that the core, that was there at the beginning is still there. And I think that's the most important thing for me from that film is that I can just see the same people and the same friendship at the core of it.”
20:00 The secret to Coldplay longevity - dynamics, personalities, friendships and a bit of luck.
“I also think that quite often in bands, you get…. more than one person who wants to be at the front and in our band, that's absolutely not the case. We have three people who definitely don't want to be at the front, and one person who's really good at being at the front.”
23:30 Will’s lack of previous drumming experience - could Ian have been in Coldplay?
"I went to audition to get drum lessons and they said no, we can't teach you..."
25:30 It’s been tough for Will’s kids, especially his eldest.
27:30 Making memories and making the best of Lockdown - The Quarantine Bar at 5pm on a Friday.
30:45 Studio time, being productive and Brian Eno’s advice
32:30 Weekly zoom calls and very intense, but very productive 2 week slots of time.
33:15 Multiple masculinities - Will’s role as a dad v his role in the band
“I feel like my role in the band is quite a similar one to my role in my family. which is convenient”
“I suspect it makes for possibly… not the most exciting member of the band, but an important one, nonetheless.”
36:30 Ambition, competition and balance
“It's a lovely feeling to be part of a team that really works.”
38:45 What are we going to do first, when we’re allowed - Will visiting his dad plus
“Just going out for some food, I've had enough of my own cooking. I think I'd love for someone else to make me dinner.”
40:40
This week’s bumper selection of tips
Make a playlist, include The Scientist
“Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it would be this hard”
and some The Blue Nile plus watch out for James’ appearance on Steve Wright’s Golden Oldies on the 8th March.
For International Women’s Day read Annie Lennox’s piece on Feminism and dialogue with men
It’s Energy Switch time
Challenge yourself musically
Previously Will learnt Blackbird and during this lockdown has been learning to play Nimrod by Edward Elgar on the piano
Listen to podcasts
“I've been inspired by my wife who's been voraciously devouring podcasts, and I've never really got into podcasts until recently. And there were so many brilliant things that you can listen to now, things that are extremely niche and some that are very broad. So listen to more podcasts.”
———————————————
More reading and links
Annie Lennox (subscribe to read)
James’ review of previous guest Martin Robinson’s New Book
RIP George and Paul x
Special request
If you’ve enjoyed this content please consider making a donation to 2 Wish Upon A Star, a charity very close to the hearts of both Will and I.
Founded by Rhian Mannings, OBE and Pride of Britain award winner, in memory of her one year old son and husband who died within a week of each other in 2012.
2 Wish Upon A Star provides immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.
Thank you
Ian
The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy
A trailblazer for same sex adoption, Jamie is the Daddy of Daddy and Dad and he joins us for episode 34 of Lockdown Dads.
The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy
A trailblazer for same sex adoption, Jamie is the Daddy of Daddy and Dad. What started as an exploration of the highs and lows of Jamie and Tom’s story of adopting two young brothers from foster care, became an award winning blog, key agency resource and an opportunity to work with major brands.
A timely redundancy lead to a focus on blogging, before dipping their toes into Instagram (not just for vintage cat photos…) and moving into the realms of influencing.
We explore the journey into fatherhood, how navigating trauma from previous lives is part and parcel of the adoption process. Plus relationship dynamics in a same sex couple (hint… the breadwinner / carer tension is the same) and the challenges of being dads in a mum’s world.
Contents
01:00 Half term, home-school and house moving.
03:10 James does care what the weatherman says.
04:00 Pets and waiting on Boris.
05:40 Booking holidays and being on TV.
07:00 James reflects on Ian’s sister in law’s Valentine dance.
08:30 The Path - “of course we're two dads, so options for starting a family are slightly different to other couples.”
09:40 Adoption is a huge, convoluted, overwhelming process and at the end of it, you become a family overnight
10:20 I thought maybe I'd write a book or maybe we'd do some kind of video blog or but blogging was my expertise.
11:30 “I was really trying to lay out exactly how I was feeling and how lost we felt sometimes, which people really identified with.”
12:30
Adoption agencies picked it up as a resource for potential adopters to read and it grew really quickly.
“I was made redundant, and it was cliched and everyone said it would be, but it was the best thing for me career wise because I just applied all that extra time on the blog and, and it grew and grew and started to win awards and and really became quite a big part of our lives as well.”
13:45 The mad world of parenthood - there's certain themes that I think everybody can recognise
15:00 Blogging inspiration from soft play and trampoline parks.
17:30 Instagram - not just pictures of cats
20:40 Relationship dynamics - breadwinner and carer
24:30 Support for adoptive parents
26:10 Dads in a mum’s world
27:20 Covid and a pub manager getting it all wrong.
28:00 Changing facilities for dads with babies
30:00 Gay men in a straight world - Valentine's Day and Mother’s Day
Tips 31:10
Read Martin Robinson’s book - “You Are Not The Man You're Supposed To Be”
Involve kids in decision making - a quick story about alarm clocks and bedtime habits.
Watch The Morning Show, Apple TV +, with Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston
———————————————————
Connect with Jamie
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad…
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.
We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.
We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.
Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.
Contents
01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent
03:00 Ian and the “done” list
04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.
07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”
08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.
09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”
09:45
“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”
11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.
12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…
13:30
Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.
15:30
“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”
He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…
He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.
17:30 Taking massive and immediate action
18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity
19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.
21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.
24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.
26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand
Tips (27:00)
Bird watching for the soul
A selection of stoic maxims.
Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.
Nothing to excess.
Surety brings ruin.
Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld
———————————————————
More from Dan
Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?
Ep 30 of Lockdown Dads - connecting with your kids, empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.
Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?
I saw something on Twitter yesterday that caught my eye...
No, it wasn't a debate about vaccinations or covid competency.
It was a woman posting about home schooling, she reflected that having the kids at home and trying to work at the same time meant the days were simultaneously both too long and too short.
I love my kids but I'd love them to be at school, learning and playing there instead of being at home endlessly defining my life by their various needs, time tables, times tables and not accepting a ham sandwich or pot noodle "a la desk" is a proper lunch.
The result is a long day that never seems long enough to "get stuff done", but long enough and disrupted enough to feel exhausted at 9:30pm and making progress on work projects is like wading through treacle. It's no wonder I haven't done my tax return yet...
But there are always positives, every Friday James Millar and I jump on Zoom and have a 40 minute chat with a new and interesting guest for the Lockdown Dads podcast. It feels like our own TFI Friday moment, plus we get to learn and share ideas with great people with something to say.
Paul Bulos, Executive, Leadership & Wellbeing Coach and publishing professional joins us to ponder “what colour are you today and why?” We dig into the benefits of lockdowns - including connecting with your kids and we touch on the importance of empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.
Plus we discuss dad ‘presence’ - how important is secondary school transition, what does the “right train” mean to you and taking time to involve yourself in the things that are important to your children.
Tips include - it’s time for clippers, the Language of gaming and Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control .
Contents
00:20 Lockdown birthdays are rubbish.
02:30 If you could describe how you are doing as a colour, what would that colour be and why?
02:45 Paul’s Funday Friday - energy and weather = yellow
03:15 Ian, green for Pakistan - ODI cricket tickets for the summer
04:20 James = black… I like black
07:40 Learning self awareness and family dynamics
09:15 Paul’s relationship with his daughter
Photo Credit: @lajaxx via Unsplash
I've always been really close to my kids, but I've got a lot closer and some of that's good and some of that's not so good… one of the key things that really came through that first lockdown, was my relationship with my daughter. She started 13, went into being 14. That's quite an age for young females, lots going on, lots changing. I noticed a lot changing. And just before the lockdown, I was being very honest about it, finding quite difficult.
Our connections seem to be drifting a little bit where we'd been really close before we'd done a lot of things together. She sort of flipped into that proper teenage time and she was beginning to just drift away a bit.
And then we started doing this walk, we live in West London, so we started walking to Osterley Park very early. We didn't often say that much to each other, but the content of what we started to talk about between us was, far more meaningful than they'd ever been. I think we just started to reconnect, but in a different way.
12:25 Helping children to feel safe
14:05 A higher proportion proportion of dads think that the switch to secondary school is a time when they need to be around for their kids.
15:00 How comfortable are you saying, “you know what, I can't make that meeting at 5:30” because if I don't do that, I can't get the train, which means I won't be home for my kids.
15:50 You come home one day and, and they don't come to the door. And I said, no, I can't imagine that.
17:00 The impact of missing your train - my wife knew exactly what time I'd be walking through the door at the end of the working day.
19:30 The transition between work - coming home and re-entry into domestic, household and parenting life.
One of the other things that I found quite interesting is that the children, for first time, in their life really, have seen me working, seeing what that means, what that looks like. If I ever came home from work and I was particularly preoccupied or had a difficult day, they, they never really grasped the concept of that. But now that we're around each other so much more, we have conversations in the day, much more readily around what's going on.
Vice versa for their school day. Some of the things that they're doing and getting up to and how their, some of their stresses and strains, you know, when they've had a frustrating lesson or when you know, they feel like they haven't really been heard in their lesson.
I wouldn't normally hear that stuff, but now I'm hearing it much more regularly. So we're relating in a very different way and understanding and appreciating and having more empathy for each other in a very different way.
21:50 James talks about his workingdads.co.uk building back better agenda.
23:00 Lunchtimes together.
24:00 The power of coaching - examining values and my responsibilities as a parent
25:30 Children as they've become far more cognitive in the world and they've got their own things, you really have to listen to them.
They've got something to say now, whereas when they're little, they're just looking at you almost to repeat what they need to say, but as they've grown up I think probably post 10, 11, they've really got something to say and it's worth listening to.
The speaking is his understanding that he's being listened to. And that requires reflection back to him, all those kinds of things.
27:00 My Daughter has helped me as a coach
One of the important things of being a coach is being able to be in the quiet and be comfortable in that quiet space and allowing that space, not feeling you need to fill it, not feeling you need to rescue, but providing your coachee with that. My daughter is quite quiet and thoughtful and her feelings are quite deep. They don't come to the surface. She doesn't wear a heart on her sleeve. So she's actually helped me in my coaching practice because I have to sit with that space a lot more than I do with my son.
28:30 Tips
Home haircuts - clippers are back on stock
Try to understand the language of gaming.
So I remember when he used to collect Pokemon cards, I would walk with him and he would talk to me and I literally didn't understand a single word he said, and and it's now happening with Fortnite. So I have now invested in the time to say to him, could you just explain what you're talking about? Because I realized this could go on a while. I can't have conversations with him that I really don't understand for any longer.
Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control. (former guest on the show)
More from Paul Bulos
https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulbulos/
http://www.thecompletecoach.co.uk/safe/
https://www.workingdads.co.uk/sink-swim-vital-dads-look-after-themselves/
Photo Credit: @patrickian4 via Unsplash
swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...
Living 50m from Central Park sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....
swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...
Living 50m from Central Park in Upper West side Manhattan sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....
Steve Myall, former deputy features editor of the Daily Mirror and co-host of the highly successful First Time Dads podcast joins James Millar and I as the circle of podcasting is complete.
True story - I first heard James on Steve's podcast, went and bought his book, Dads Don't Babysit, found him on Twitter, and tweeted about how much I liked the content.
We talk shared parental leave, finding space in a big city and why diplomatic status is this year's must have accessory for the Real Brit Dads of New York. Steve talks about what it is like on the ground in New York - elections, parenting and being that elusive species - the hands on stay at home dad.
Watch or listen to any of our episodes here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads
Contents
01:30 switching a house for an apartment, not realising that we would be in it 24 hours a day.
02:30 Home school and Boris the Cat
05:00 God alone knows what we're going to do at the weekend.
06:00 We had a friend who took some shared parental leave, he was in his shorts, had grown a beard. He was relaxed. He was chilled. And the relationship with his second child looked fantastic.
07:30 Condensed hours and changing how you look at work.
08:00 Moving to New York.
09:30 The First Time Dads Podcast - because we felt that dad's weren't really talking about the emotional stuff.
I still get emails, I still get messages on Twitter, people coming to it, for the first time. I mean, we suffered a little bit because of the sound quality at the beginning, but you know, it was really well received. We were nominated for best podcast in the podcast awards. We had lots of people coming to us wanting to be on it because it had this particular reach to dads and we had no difficulties getting guests at all because it was something new.
13:30 There was talk of a virus in China and then suddenly New York's in this epicenter.
14:30 If you're on the seventh floor of an apartment you can't take them to playgrounds or shop.
16:45 We are fortunate, because my wife works for the UN, we've got a diplomatic status here so that we were able to come back to the UK.
Which a lot of the people that I've met, over here, British, haven't been able to do so. I'm on a WhatsApp group, which is called the “Real Brit Dads of New York”… their visas don't allow them to go backwards and forwards. So they had like 18 months, some of them, without seeing grandparents.
17:45 New York parks v Crystal Palace Park aka "have you got a big dinosaur with its face fallen off?"
19:35 Federal law allows you to have 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave as a dad.
22:00 Not only would it be unusual for me to see a dad taking their kids to this stuff, it would be unusual for me to see a parent because they're all nannies.
And, you know, if I talked to the guys that work on the door here, you know, they don't live in upper west side. If you live in New Jersey, it's a different thing. Or maybe Queens and the Bronx, it's, it's a slightly more community way of parenting, but certainly where we are, it feels like the kids are being looked after rather than being parented.
23:00 It's changed a lot since lockdown - you see a lot more dads doing drop-off and pick up because obviously they're working from home.
26:10 And then the adults all have a shrink, right?
28:00 We drove back into New York as the election result came over the radio and people were out in the street, opening bottles of champagne, cheering on the street corners.
29:00 If you go in Central Park, without wearing a mask outside, you will be shouted at.
30:00 Tips: Watch Soul, eat chocolate oranges and get in touch with mindfulness and the craft box.
Photo Credit: @joshcouchdesign via Unsplash
Christmas Reflections 2020
Family time, The Lockdown Dads Podcast and awesome people. These are some of the things i’ll remember from 2020.
Nearly at the end of the year... phew.
2021 is bound to be better eh?
I wrote about the feeling of crashing into a Covid Iceberg (which was a great opportunity to include a lot of Titanic references!)
For our family, it's not all been bad, we've stayed healthy and so have immediate and extended family, sometimes it's good to remember that basic measure of success.
Good things this year - family time (walks, movie nights & general time together)
Bad things - family time; in particular home school taking over my life and sucking time from the day, plus squabbling with my son about home school (my daughter is much easier!)
From a business perspective, it's been tough for paid coaching work but really rewarding in terms of helping people on free calls, making appearances in webinars and panel events and even chatting on national radio. https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/media
Lockdown Dads Podcast
In May, James Millar and I kicked off Lockdown Dads - the podcast we hoped would only be relevant for one season. Now we are booking guests for season 3 that will run until April. In the nicest possible way I sincerely hope that we can kill it off then!
The final episode (#27) is available to watch or listen here:
https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads
"A look back at 26 episodes of Lockdown Dads - the good, the bad and the ugly as we ponder the "annus horribilis" that was 2020. We talk guests and the tips that inspired us and the tips that shocked us, it's all here as we discuss what 2021 has instore for dads and their families and how as a show we can continue to bring you interesting and informative content onward into season 3 of a project we wanted to kill off. Too much lockdown...!"
Awesome People
Finally for this year I was very proud to see two friends recognised for their work
Rhian Mannings MBE received a Pride of Britain special recognition award from actor Michael Sheen for her charity work.
While Eb Mukhtar was recognised with an MBE for his role in organising PPE logistics for the NHS.
"The fact that no NHS hospital ever ran out of stock is largely due to improvements he made."
and onto now
Here in SE London we're in Tier 4; Christmas plans are cancelled and we wait again to see what the plans are for schooling. The eye opening stat is that in our immediate areas 1 in 100 of the population tested positive last week for Covd.
Not me though, I paid for a test so I could visit my Dad, safe in the knowledge that I wasn't going to infect him. Naturally, I got a negative result a few hours after discovering that Xmas was off and it was a waste of £120. Such is life.
Great news is that Caroline from his local pub The Ruishton Inn are going to deliver him a Christmas Dinner. Community is alive and well!
Looking ahead a bit to 2021
It's exciting to be bringing another set of awesome guests to the Lockdown Dads podcast in the spring, a couple of collaborations will be launched and I'll be rolling out "The Successful Dads Scorecard".
The scorecard will give dads the opportunity to answer some important questions and get simple actionable tips based on how they scored. I can't wait to share it with you!
If you want to be a beta tester? email me here info@inspiringdads.co.uk
Some final words
Sometimes all we can do is adapt and accept and keep going. As Rocky Balboa says in the film Creed "One step at a time. One punch at a time. One round at a time."
and keep talking
talk to your partner
talk to your kids
talk to your mates
because as Bob Hoskins once said "It's good to talk"
Merry Christmas
Ian, Lisa, Freya and Struan
Picture Credit: Volodymyr Hryshchenko via Unsplash @lunarts
Lockdown, from burn out to muddling through
I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown.
Lockdown, From Burn out to Muddling through
I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown. It’s a tale of practical prep - aka buying better internet and a new freezer and what happens when your kids choose movie night film - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 anyone? thought not!
I discuss these topic areas:
Practical steps to cope with lockdown
Boundaries
Then the wheels came off
Keeping it simple
Making lockdown work
It’s true, it all got too much at times…
“That Saturday and Sunday rota lasted about 4 weeks until I had a massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out. I was sat on the sofa at 6.15 in the morning unable to make any sense of what I should be doing. I reached for my underused but important fall back - the journal and wrote down how I felt and what I needed to do.”
But the future can be a brighter world:
“Embedding the benefits of more involved dads will take great effort in an uncertain economy, with childcare and school provision under threat. But if couples intentionally design their lives to ensure the domestic and working load is spread evenly, then society has a great chance to use lockdown as opportunity to create greater equality at home and in the workplace for years to come.”
Read the article here:
https://www.parentalchoice.co.uk/blogs/lockdown-from-burn-out-to-muddling-through/
Fatherhood Matters: Changing the Culture for Working Dads
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters to discuss fatherhood, culture and covid.
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters.
Like ageing pop stars, we jostled with top billing and soundbites. Early attendees were treated to the sort of behind the scenes banter and rubbish jokes that you would expect from 4 white middle class dads (mostly in their 40s!)
Joking aside, the webinar was such a success we broke the internet – well Zoom had a technical issue that unexpectedly and annoyingly capped live attendees at 100. Lockdown maybe easing but technology shenanigans are still waiting to catch people out.
Contributors were Brian Ballantyne, Dan Reed, James Millar and myself, Ian Dinwiddy
Quotes throughout were taken anonymously from the chat box.
Access Password: 5w!B=*i!
Positives of Lockdown
James talked about time with his family, while recognising that isn’t a positive for everyone – depending on relationship tensions and available space, but for him real quality time without any fear of missing out and being able to eat flavoured crisps without their air pollution hampering face to face meetings!
Brian appreciated the chance to decompress, relishing the lack of a stressful commute.
Dan reflected on the unprecedented chance to spend time with his daughter, just turned 1, experiencing her milestones and being there for bedtime. In broader terms he made a great point about the democratisation of individual voices, with face to face opportunities likely to remain limited, location is no longer seen a disadvantage.
For me it was about the opportunity to invest in family time – weekend walks, movie night and eating together every day. We were all grateful and understanding of the privilege to have space inside to work and outside space to play.
Poll: What is the biggest challenge for working fathers?
A culture of presenteeism was the ‘winner’ with 42%, ahead of options
choice of flexible working denied,
fear of job loss and
obstructive line manager.
Here is selection of other challenges identified in the live chat
“Fear of cultural stereotype and social judgement”
“Sexism, managers, male and female, assuming that it should be a woman looking after children”
“Fear of Job Loss – if you’re not available then it’s not viewed upon ‘favourably’ “
“I think working Dad’s themselves are part of the problem in recognising their own journey, its challenges and being willing to reach out for help”
Challenges of Lockdown
Moving onto a discussion on the challenges of lockdown, James found it hard to find time to yourself and your own thoughts – despite the benefits of being together as a family there was a recognition from all of us that your own physical and emotional space really matters.
In contrast to Brian, Dan had found himself missing the commute – his time to listen to a podcast, play on the Switch or read. Instead replaced by zero commute time and a flip from “family mode” to “work mode” at 08:59 without so much as 15 minutes of mindfulness.
Brian’s comment about a “Maslow reset” (Hierarchy of Needs) resonated in the comments with worries about basic needs such as health, food (and toilet paper) having taken priority in the psyche.
We had all found it tricky to set and maintain barriers between work and home life, while at the same time accepting that one of the key ways for everyone to survive the process was to accept a degree of blend between work and family life, no matter how messy that could get.
What are the implications of the experience of working flexibly and remotely during lockdown for dads in future?
What key lessons can we take from this experience?
After these initial thoughts Rachel took us into bigger topics around flexible and remote working for dads, as Dan noted, many men see formal flexible working as “for mums.”
You can see why when last year Daddilife’s “Millennial Dad At Work” survey found that 63% of men surveyed had requested some form of flexibility, but of those who requested working from home (1-2 days a week), less than 1 in 5 of those were successful in their request (19%).
This isn’t flexible working
Early in lockdown James wrote an article pointing out that this version of remote working was not working from home and Dan echoed that point.
There’s nothing flexible about being forced to work from home in a space you share with your family and with school, formal childcare and informal family babysitting being taken away in one fell swoop.
My own experience of coaching and mentoring dads during Lockdown tells me that despite the practical and emotional challenges of lockdown, dads have also seen the benefits of being much more active and involved parents. They don’t want to return to the working structures of 2019, they want to design something that fits around their family life.
I think that that says a lot for just how broken the system has been, when, despite everything, a man in a 2 bed flat with a young baby tells you he wants to work from home regularly in the future.
Benefits
I think that despite the chaos, stress, and tension of this surreal version of remote working, we’re learning something what single dads have always known – that breadwinner and carer are not separate roles.
As Michael Ray https://michaelray.com.au/ pointed out in the comments:
“My current bug-bear is the preponderance of equality advocates who are too eager to classify bread-winning as somehow separate to care giving rather than a vital part of it which has allowed employers to be wilfully blind to parental responsibilities”
This messy, though ultimately rewarding, blend of work and life maybe be flawed but we want more of it.
Assumptions have flipped
Brian mused that the default has flipped. For office-based workers the default was office, with possibly some home / coffee shop / remote location and now we’ve gone the other way.
Yes there are consequences, as LinkedIn Change Maker John Adams pointed out this week, while major city / town centres and public transport firms will struggle in a new world of remote working, it does create an opportunity to rebalance the economy away from tax efficient corporate entities and into the hands of the local cafes and restaurants for instance.
Choice
Ultimately it needs to be about choice. Giving dads some sort of choice as to where to work to meet business and family objectives.
As James said recently, this is the route to “help fathers thrive and companies succeed.”
Not everyone wants to be in the office all the time, not everyone wants to be at home all the time, my wife (lawyer) is case in point. As part of writing this, I asked her what her ideal would be – 3 days in the London office, 2 days at home. But currently the 35-minute train journey isn’t very appealing…
At this point another poll Rachel ran showed – 82% planned to work more flexibility than pre-covid.
What guidance would you give to companies looking to support working dads and improve their experience at work, so they are able to be great employees and great dads?
Ditch the assumptions
My response was stop assuming that working dads don’t have caring responsibilities or desires to be more involved in their children’s lives.
It’s so important to dig deep and have proper time-consuming human to human conversations to understand what sort of support each employee needs. The pressure and tension a dad might be facing as he tries to juggle his responsibilities may not be obvious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Men have become adept at concealing the pressure they face, presenting a face of devotion to their business.
Companies need to treat everyone as individuals and understand that caring responsibilities aren’t just for mums. That sort of lazy thinking creates a 2-tier system that does nothing for gender equality, mental health or productivity.
From the chat box:
“Managers are key here. They should understand the individual’s needs and encourage them to flex in the way they need to. Plus, role model themselves.”
Understand intersectionality
This comment from the chat illustrates how the mental health pressures that dads face collides with ethnicity:
“Sadly, I was signed off because of the extreme pressure and now there is another dad (a good friend) with 2 small children, he’s been signed off for 4 weeks (I was signed off for 2 weeks). Being the only black man in the office, I feel all your pressure plus…”
Understand the effect of school holidays – especially in 2020
It’s especially important at the moment – school summer holidays have started, and the vast majority of childcare settings are shut, plus large numbers of grandparents will still be shielding until at least 1st August.
Now is the time for business to understand the childcare responsibilities and support needs for all of their staff.
Tap into empathy
James talked about companies being both mindful of the return work challenges of returning from furlough AND also seeing it as an opportunity to improve empathy towards maternity returners amongst others.
“I’ve been on shared pat leave it is obviously great but a real eye opener for the bump back to work post maternity leave”
Identify and celebrate senior male role models
Working dads take their signals on behaviour from their male leadership.
Brian talked about changing to a more authentic version of himself, becoming a role model for active and involved fatherhood – blogging about fatherhood. His view was that if you can’t be yourself, consider if your company is the right place for you anyway.
But Dads do need to ask…
Lockdown has improved the awareness of personal circumstances and an element of everyone being in a similar boat. Communication has been enhanced, through the lens of Zoom it’s become more personal. Now more than ever is the time to future proof your life.
To ask for the long-term flexible working patterns you and your family need. If you’re a working dad with a working partner, what happens if you don’t push back?
Who picks up the pieces? Who looks after the children?
The good news is that good businesses will want to help.
So, if not now, then when?
Dads face risk
“The difficulty with asking for flexibility is that you worry that if the answer is no, then there will be further consequences in terms of career opportunities in future… I’m ashamed to say that I’ve put this (Zoom) in my calendar as a “private” meeting so my team can’t see what I’m doing at the moment.”
But we need to keep shouting about the benefits of flexible working.
Not just shouting because as James said on our podcast, it’s harder to be heard with a face mask on…
Productivity Benefits
Mental Health Benefits for the whole family
Achievement benefits for our children
Improved relationships with partners = happier employees
Saving money on commuting
Saving money on office space
Don’t feel guilty about being a dad. Speak up, because it might be easier than you think.
“Sometimes things you think others would find difficult are actually OK, but we are worried what others would think”
“Yes, if we didn’t worry about what people thought, we would just ask for it.”
Enhanced Parental Leave is so important.
Shared Parental Leave suffers because families can’t afford to use it and it is dependent on a transfer of rights (usually from a woman to man)
James talked about the benefits Aviva found with 6-month full paid gender neutral parental leave – giving others the opportunity to step up and improving the skjills and capability of the business.
Gender neutral leave is also really important for same sex relationships:
“I’m a mother in a same sex relationship and because I wasn’t the pregnant one, I was also only entitled to two weeks paid time off (despite breastfeeding!) The policy documents that applied to me were named “paternity” policies.”
This comment hit the nail on the head:
“Puppies aren’t just for Christmas and dads aren’t just for parental leave – both have ongoing needs and responsibilities. Too many organisations are patting themselves on the back after providing a shared parental leave policy and then frowning when dad requests to attend school sports day, lipstick on a pig”
Finally, in one-word what would like to see happen in the workplace for dads.
James – Awareness
Ian – Mentoring
Rachel – Communication
Brian – Authenticty
Dan – Openness
Photo credit: Limor Zellermayer via Unsplash @limorganon
Dads and the new reality
The benefits and challenges to working dads of the post lockdown world
Dads and the New Reality
Photo Credit: Ayo Ogunseind via Unsplash @armedshutter
I’ve said it before, it’s an awful time.
“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”
Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.
But, it WILL get better and dads will have a massive opportunity.
Dads do more At Home
With so many dads spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.
and this includes parenting...
An Institute for Fiscal Studies report this week included this evidence
During lockdown fathers have nearly doubled the time they spend on childcare. On average, fathers are now doing some childcare during 8 hours of the day, compared with 4 hours in 2014/15.
This increase is especially large for the 15% of fathers in previously dual-earner households who have lost their job while their partner continues to do paid work. This large increase in fathers’ involvement in childcare might have long-lasting impacts on how couples share childcare responsibilities.
seeing the benefits
Photo Credit: Edward Cisneros via Unsplash @everythingcaptured
“My job has never allowed me so much free time. Being forced to work from home, I have been able to spent precious time with my little girl who is 5 months old.”
“Loved being able to WFH full time... we have a six month old now so I get to see him during the day a bit, feed him lunch, always have bath time at 5.30pm... it’s been a positive in an otherwise pretty weird / horrid time.”
The assumptions that remote working can’t work have been massively undermined, a client told me this week that the main blocker to remote working in his business has had a complete U-turn since the the pandemic started.
the start of a brave new world?
This can be the opportunity for men to fix their work life balance once and for all and to be the hands on, active and involved fathers many don’t remember growing up.
If the virus has taught us one thing, it’s that many people don’t HAVE to be in the office to do their jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.
The Challenge of returning to the workplace
It’s tricky from many angles - health and safety, social distancing in the office and on the commute and a lack of childcare options.
Here are my 3 quick tips for businesses with working dads.
Childcare Assumptions
Don’t tell men to return to the workplace without considering they might also have childcare responsibilities. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Don’t leave women on furlough because you assume they are responsible for childcare. It’s discriminatory and lazy.
Fear
Understand that now, more than, ever men face the fear of losing their jobs if they don’t follow instructions of their business.
This fear will trump any desire to maintain the benefits of working from home.
Conflict
With childcare and schooling options still limited, the pressure on parents to share the load and balance domestic responsibilities is still at an all time high.
Forcing working dads to return to the workplace will create domestic conflict
Longer term
1) Give men well paid parental leave so that they have the time and financial security to experience hands on, solo parenting.
2) Provide paternity return to work coaching to mirror the maternity offer.
3) Create male leadership models who demonstrate and support active, involved fatherhood. Part time working, flexible hours, working from home. Model it and make it ok.
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
Recent content
Blog Categories
Archive
- June 2025
- March 2025
- October 2024
- April 2024
- March 2024
- January 2024
- September 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- December 2022
- June 2022
- January 2022
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- March 2018
- June 2017
A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.