Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage

Freya is nearly 12 and Struan nearly 9, but in common with so many couples, we experienced miscarriages. Our first and third pregnancies ended in early term miscarriage. In this important guest blog post, psychotherapist Noel McDermott looks at the emotional impact of miscarriage and how we can improve support for men. Many men can experience an acute emotional response to the loss of a pregnancy, and it is important to create space for their own experience. Here Noel looks at how loss is a natural process that needs a support approach as we pass through its stages.

Ian, Inspiring Dads

Men’s Emotional Mental Health & Miscarriage

Probably the most important thing to say about this is not that men will or won’t get any particular set of feelings and experiences after a miscarriage, but that the focus will be more on the woman and and the man’s experience will be seen as secondary. Their experience may well be different to their partner, and this may increase the sense that it is secondary. Guys are likely to see themselves as having to be strong in these situations and showing vulnerability and distress as failing in their role as supporter. 

Toxic masculinity - signs of psychological distress

We can say with certainty that men who don’t identify difficult feelings and find support for them, will usually turn to destructive ways of coping. Much of what is termed ‘toxic masculinity’ is an expression of psychological distress. In this case, the lack of identifying and dealing healthily with difficult feelings, can result in excessive drinking, aggression, isolation, loss of sleep, changes in appetite, seeking sexual relationships outside the partnership as ways to cope.

How to deal with feelings in a positive way

There is a need to provide basic information to men going through this and present it in straightforward ways, explaining that there are positive and negative ways of dealing with feelings brought up during times of loss and distress and it’s very much a decision to be made, in therapy this is called a psycho-educational resource. Much distress and the development of maladaptive coping strategies can be avoided by this simple approach, of giving knowledge about what to expect and what is normal in times of psychological challenge. Psychoeducation is in fact one of the cornerstones of modern therapy and is evidenced to be highly effective both in treating distress but also in preventing it.

“What can’t happen is to not have feelings. Men may want to put to one side uncomfortable feelings so as to be better at helping and supporting or just to avoid pain. Emotions cannot exist selectively, it’s not possible to choose which ones to have, we either have them or we don’t. Not having emotions involves highly dysfunctional behaviours such as for example, excessive drug and alcohol consumption.” 

Normalising feelings and emotions

What is normal and indeed healthy in this situation will in fact be a broad range of things, normalising is another tool that is very helpful. Knowing what we are experiencing is normal leads to us developing greater distress tolerance and reduces the likelihood of maladaptive acting out. We cope better being able to tell ourselves that this is just part of the experience. If a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry, the range of things that might occur are:

• Loss and loneliness

• Anger and sadness

• Numbing out through grief

• Loss of libido or the opposite hyper-sexual responses

• Feeling of guilt or the opposite displacement into blame

• Problems with sleep, mood, emotional regulation, appetite, motivation, having a general sense of dread, not seeing a hopeful future

• Struggles in the relationship as you seem to separate from each other in the hurt and loss

Male bonding: Men’s emotional health

Without a doubt the best therapy in life is the company and support of other humans that we care about and who care about us. The herd is where we feel safe and where we get most boosts from in terms of our health and wellbeing. Simply being in the company of folk we like when we are troubled will reduce our stress responses to our troubles. For men this is often the best approach, not dealing with the problem head on but in a roundabout way by having good social time with mates. Often guys will open up during these contacts but arranging to meet a mate to discuss their difficult feelings can often seem alien and indeed could be counterproductive. Activity based support often work better for men, the distraction of the activity reduces the tension of dealing with challenging feelings, particularly if, as is likely the case with miscarriage, there may be significant feelings of failure and shame.

How to support your partner after a miscarriage

Being able to be honest about how difficult a man is finding the loss, is often very helpful to their partner. Many men don’t intuit this as culturally they are not brought up so, but by actually revealing that you are struggling will help your partner and can in fact potentially reduce their own sense of failure and isolation. Though this won’t be true in all cases it is a general rule that is helpful. In this way the possibility of the relationship breaking up, which is the fear for the guy here, is reduced.

Male psychology as culturally programmed is to be of use, to be able to provide and do stuff, the more intangible support such as being rather doing can be experienced in an awkward manner. It’s an important skill in this though as loss is more of a natural process that needs little actual intervention as such, and more of a support approach as we pass through its stages. 

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About the Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is a Psychotherapist with over 25 years’ experience in health, social care, and education. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home – www.noelcdermott.net  

 Where to get more help 

The Miscarriage Society produces a leaflet for men simply explaining what they might experience during this time. It legitimises men’s experiences during this time and provides the  information in a way that is accessible and emotionally manageable -

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Men-and-Miscarriage.pdf 

Watch Noel as a Guest on the Lockdown Dads podcast

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We're all back?

We’re all back?

I'm back,

We're all 'back'?

Back in the office?
Back to school?
Back to the coffee shop - which is where I'm typing this - hello Bromley...
Back to coordinating kids activities, car shares and trying to maintain some sanity.

and most importantly trying to be kind to ourselves, "good enough is good enough".

Our daughter Freya is only 4 days into secondary school and I know it will get easier, but thinking about the new tech, calendars, and working out how to be in 2 places at once is draining.

Of course the summer holidays went too quickly in a whirlwind of 'staycation' breaks, some child care and trying not to neglect the kids while keeping on top of the Inspiring Dads mission.

Two particular highlights for me - watching our daughter dance with the local English Youth Ballet performance of Swan Lake and taking our son to Crystal Palace's first full capacity Premier League home match since March 2020.

I don't think I'll ever underestimate the sheer joy and connection that comes from in-person, mass events, long may they continue to be safe enough.

Here are some work highlights I wanted to share since I last wrote.

• Finalising the first licensing of The New Dads Accelerator course content.

• Co-presenting at Aberdeen Energy Industry's Axis Network webinar - "Why Men’s Work Life Balance Matters to Everyone" (and smashing industry standard engagement and attendance percentages)

• Running a two hour live in person (!) workshop for management consultants

  
  How to use ‘DISC’ personality preferences to fast track your influencing and collaboration skills
  
  

• Plus planning events for a eclectic mix of clients ranging from Ralph Lauren to Credit Suisse and NHS commissioning groups in in Wiltshire and Essex

Busy is good right?

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The Lockdown Dads Podcast

If you are back on the commute, now is a perfect time to explore the 46 Lockdown Dads podcast episodes James Millar and I recorded over the last 15 months.

You can listen or watch a variety of fascinating guests including

CBeebies presenter - Nigel Clarke (Ep32)
Scottish Conservative Party leader - Douglas Ross (Ep7)
Coldplay drummer - Will Champion (Ep35)

and for political balance...

former Labour MP James Frith (Ep4)

All the links to listen or watch here:

https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads

Photo Credit Jen Theodore via Unsplash @jentheodore

It's a wrap - 46 episodes of the Lockdown Dads Podcast

It's a wrap - 46 episodes of Lockdown Dads Podcast

After 46 episodes James Millar and I call time on the Lockdown Dads podcast. Recorded on ‘freedom day’ we reflect on 18 months of pandemic podcast chat, the highs and lows and the fascinating guests we have been lucky enough to have on the show.

Although we have completed our fourth season, the truth is that the fear of catching Covid, home school disruption, and getting through the days are, in many ways, as prevalent as ever.

We consider some of the hopelessly optimistic predictions we made in the year - lockdown could be all over by June!? But also the certainty of the stay at home messaging v the weariness and low level anxiety of July 2021.

We talk about some of the guests that stuck in our minds and the good, the bad and the absurd of the tips we shared.

Who can forget James' pants discussion with Jessica Chivers (Ep20) or Ian going with "it's time to check your energy bills" with Will Champion, drummer in Coldplay (Ep35).

We put to bed the rumour that the best guests are ones with 50,000 Insta followers like Ian's brother Chris Dinwiddy (!), and discuss the amazingly practical mindful dad - Vidyadasa Ady Griffiths (Ep23) and less than amusing circumstances that comics Philip Simon (Ep6) and Tiernan Douieb (Ep3) faced throughout the pandemic.

We talk about research and data, emotionally tricky episodes with Rhian Mannings MBE Pride of Britain Award Winner (Ep38) and Brian Ballantyne (Ep37) and having a laugh with Nathan McGurl (Ep31) and Jamie Beaglehole (Ep34) So for the moment that is the end of Lockdown Dads, at least in this guise!

And our parting wish is, don't forget that "good enough is good enough."

Our Season 1 Guests

John Adams Han-Son Lee Fidel Modernman Beauhill Rachel Vecht Rob Taylor Freddie Bennett James Frith Noel McDermott Douglas Ross

Our season 2 contributors

Michael Ray Mari Williams The Mind Architect ™ Dr Jasmine Kelland Dan Reed Elliott Rae Yash Puri Dr Laura Radcliffe Nadia Nagamootoo (she/her) David Willans Martin Robinson

During Season 3 we also welcomed

Louise Goss Steve Myall Paul Bulos Nigel Clarke Dan Stanley Nicki Seignot to the show

And we wrapped up season 4 with

SIMON KETTLEWELL Ethan Salathiel Jeremy Davies Simon Gregory Olga FitzRoy and Will McDonald

In conversation with Coldplay's Will Champion

Champion of the World

The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay. In this episode of Lockdown Dads, we discover how a focus on their relationships has been as important as the music, what work life balance means in a band when you have kids and what Will is looking forward to most when lockdown finishes.

Self described (with tongue in cheek) “soft rock dinosaur,” we find out how Will feels about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary - the good, the cringe-worthy and the comforting.

We explore how the pandemic has been for the band, for his family and sadness he feels for artists on the cusp of success - with momentum pulled from under them.

Will talks openly about family, fatherhood and masculinity - the similarities between his role as a dad at home and his role in his second family where fortunately no one is a frustrated frontman!

Luck, personalities, hard work and a focus on relationships and above all else being grateful.

Contents

01:00 Definitely an air of optimism, a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for my kids.

01:50 Not touring with the last album turned out to be almost clairvoyant…

“We've managed to find a few moments to kind of play together and to record together, which has been brilliant. And so we're just sort of planning the next move really.”

02:45 We're lucky because we can afford to wait and we can we can choose the right time to do it for us

“I just feel so sorry for so many people, because momentum is a hard thing to kind of conjure up. And when you have it as a band or an artist or in any walk of life it's really good to try and grab it when you can. For so many people, that opportunity has been ripped away. So I think we're very lucky in this situation that we're in.”

04:00 Ian looking forward to the end of home school and binge watch Marvel films for the first time.

06:20 James - great weather, but an irritating Joe Wicks injury!

08:00 Will’s working dad status - father of three and freelancer

08:56 Olga Fitzroy is like Bruce Wayne. (Read more about her Parental Pay Equality campaign)

“Extraordinary sound engineer and producer by day and a politician and campaigner by night… she's brilliant.”

09:50 Children, touring and balancing family life with work.

“On the most recent tour we did in 2016, the Head Full of Dreams tour, I think the longest I was away from my kids and my wife at any one time, it was about two weeks. it takes a lot of planning and it takes a lot of organization, but ultimately it's what keeps us happy and what keeps us able to commit and to really throw ourselves into the music.”

12:40 Being in a band is like being in a family.

“We realised early on was that in order to make sure that we were going to stay together, for the band to be healthy, we had to concentrate as much on us or the interpersonal relationships as we do on our music.”

Chemistry between band mates is the most prized possession that you have…

15:15 Too busy for boxsets, books and learning new languages

17:00 We talk about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary

“I think it's a lovely thing for people who like our music and like our band… what's amazing is to be able to see that the core, that was there at the beginning is still there. And I think that's the most important thing for me from that film is that I can just see the same people and the same friendship at the core of it.”

20:00 The secret to Coldplay longevity - dynamics, personalities, friendships and a bit of luck.

“I also think that quite often in bands, you get…. more than one person who wants to be at the front and in our band, that's absolutely not the case. We have three people who definitely don't want to be at the front, and one person who's really good at being at the front.”

23:30 Will’s lack of previous drumming experience - could Ian have been in Coldplay?

"I went to audition to get drum lessons and they said no, we can't teach you..."

25:30 It’s been tough for Will’s kids, especially his eldest.

27:30 Making memories and making the best of Lockdown - The Quarantine Bar at 5pm on a Friday.

30:45 Studio time, being productive and Brian Eno’s advice

32:30 Weekly zoom calls and very intense, but very productive 2 week slots of time.

33:15 Multiple masculinities - Will’s role as a dad v his role in the band

“I feel like my role in the band is quite a similar one to my role in my family. which is convenient”

“I suspect it makes for possibly… not the most exciting member of the band, but an important one, nonetheless.”

36:30 Ambition, competition and balance

“It's a lovely feeling to be part of a team that really works.”

38:45 What are we going to do first, when we’re allowed - Will visiting his dad plus

“Just going out for some food, I've had enough of my own cooking. I think I'd love for someone else to make me dinner.”

40:40

This week’s bumper selection of tips

• Make a playlist, include The Scientist

“Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it would be this hard”

and some The Blue Nile plus watch out for James’ appearance on Steve Wright’s Golden Oldies on the 8th March.

• For International Women’s Day read Annie Lennox’s piece on Feminism and dialogue with men

• It’s Energy Switch time

• Challenge yourself musically

Previously Will learnt Blackbird and during this lockdown has been learning to play Nimrod by Edward Elgar on the piano

• Listen to podcasts

“I've been inspired by my wife who's been voraciously devouring podcasts, and I've never really got into podcasts until recently. And there were so many brilliant things that you can listen to now, things that are extremely niche and some that are very broad. So listen to more podcasts.”

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More reading and links

Annie Lennox (subscribe to read)

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/only-if-the-women-s-movement-opens-a-dialogue-with-men-can-we-end-misogyny-c8zxp0pcj

James’ review of previous guest Martin Robinson’s New Book

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/martin-robinson-masculinity-book-you-are-not-the-man-you-are-supposed-to-be/

RIP George and Paul x

Special request

If you’ve enjoyed this content please consider making a donation to 2 Wish Upon A Star, a charity very close to the hearts of both Will and I.

Founded by Rhian Mannings, OBE and Pride of Britain award winner, in memory of her one year old son and husband who died within a week of each other in 2012.

2 Wish Upon A Star provides immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.

Thank you

Ian

The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy

The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy

A trailblazer for same sex adoption, Jamie is the Daddy of Daddy and Dad. What started as an exploration of the highs and lows of Jamie and Tom’s story of adopting two young brothers from foster care, became an award winning blog, key agency resource and an opportunity to work with major brands.

A timely redundancy lead to a focus on blogging, before dipping their toes into Instagram (not just for vintage cat photos…) and moving into the realms of influencing.

We explore the journey into fatherhood, how navigating trauma from previous lives is part and parcel of the adoption process. Plus relationship dynamics in a same sex couple (hint… the breadwinner / carer tension is the same) and the challenges of being dads in a mum’s world.

Contents

01:00 Half term, home-school and house moving.

03:10 James does care what the weatherman says.

04:00 Pets and waiting on Boris.

05:40 Booking holidays and being on TV.

07:00 James reflects on Ian’s sister in law’s Valentine dance.

08:30 The Path - “of course we're two dads, so options for starting a family are slightly different to other couples.”

09:40 Adoption is a huge, convoluted, overwhelming process and at the end of it, you become a family overnight

10:20 I thought maybe I'd write a book or maybe we'd do some kind of video blog or but blogging was my expertise.

11:30 “I was really trying to lay out exactly how I was feeling and how lost we felt sometimes, which people really identified with.”

12:30

Adoption agencies picked it up as a resource for potential adopters to read and it grew really quickly.

“I was made redundant, and it was cliched and everyone said it would be, but it was the best thing for me career wise because I just applied all that extra time on the blog and, and it grew and grew and started to win awards and and really became quite a big part of our lives as well.”

13:45 The mad world of parenthood - there's certain themes that I think everybody can recognise

15:00 Blogging inspiration from soft play and trampoline parks.

17:30 Instagram - not just pictures of cats

20:40 Relationship dynamics - breadwinner and carer

24:30 Support for adoptive parents

26:10 Dads in a mum’s world

27:20 Covid and a pub manager getting it all wrong.

28:00 Changing facilities for dads with babies

30:00 Gay men in a straight world - Valentine's Day and Mother’s Day

Tips 31:10

• Read Martin Robinson’s book - “You Are Not The Man You're Supposed To Be”

• Involve kids in decision making - a quick story about alarm clocks and bedtime habits.

• Watch The Morning Show, Apple TV +, with Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston

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Connect with Jamie

https://www.daddyanddad.co.uk/

https://www.instagram.com/daddyanddad/

Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.

We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.

We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.

Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.

Contents

01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent

03:00 Ian and the “done” list

04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.

07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”

08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.

09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”

09:45

“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”

11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.

12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…

13:30

Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.

15:30

“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”

He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…

He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.

17:30 Taking massive and immediate action

18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity

19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.

21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.

24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.

26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand

Tips (27:00)

Bird watching for the soul

A selection of stoic maxims.

• Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.

• Nothing to excess.

• Surety brings ruin.

Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld

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More from Dan

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-stanley-bettermen-coaching/

https://better-men.uk/

@wildlittlethingsphoto

TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers

TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers

There’s just not enough time!

Nigel Clarke, CBeebies presenter, explains how Dadvengers started from an all Dads episode of The Baby Club, the groundbreaking show for mums, dads and carers with babies under 18 months old. The Baby Club reflects the important CBeebies mantra that “Everyone’s Welcome”.

We talk about a generational shift in what is expected from and expected by dads and the importance of dads having the skills and confidence to be alone with their kids.

Ian and Nigel try and explain to James what the Clubhouse excitement is all about and we discover how you manage a 4 hour filming session with babies, sing songs (!) and probe Nigel about parenting in the public eye and what goes on at a CBeebies Xmas party.

Contents

01:15 Using Lockdown in the most positive way we can be - “I've found a place where I'm happy.”

02:00 Nigel’s motto - “There just isn't enough time”.

03:00 Special To Do lists

04:00 Children on Teams and Clubhouse

“Somebody told me about it (Clubhouse) and I was like, this is never going to work. But if it's done right, it's like attending a really cool lecture or a really cool networking room where you share stuff.”

06:45 Trying not to get stressed - people are accommodating

08:00 CBeebies closed for a couple of weeks and we, as the presenters, were recording stuff in our homes. So I did a series of links from my lounge.

09:45 Dadchats was a place for me to just research what parents might want to see or hear about in the Dadvengers podcast.

11:20 We did an episode of The Baby Club just with Dads

14:55

“I'm mid forties. So I grew up with a generation where the dads were at work. You see them maybe at the weekend, maybe in the evenings, maybe briefly before they go to work in the morning.

They didn't have the opportunity to be with their kids and around them spending lots of time.”

15:45: Wanting to be more involved - The Baby Club as a platform to really help dads.

18:40 The essence of it was wanting dads from all different backgrounds who were engaged with their kids, who weren't scared to change a nappy.

20:10 The importance of making dads feel welcome.

21:00 Patience and being public figure.

21:30 I don't know if I can really call my work work.

23:30 Chaos and contagious crying - how to film an episode of The Baby Club.

24:45 I know a song that’ll stick in your head….

26:20 What happens on a CBeebies night out, stays on a CBeebies night out.

28:00 Tips

• Men need to learn how to listen, not just talk.

• Feel good with a squirt of aftershave.

• Be present when your kids are there and you're spending time with them, put that phone away, drop it down.

30:44 There's not long left. We're at 13, we're two thirds of the way through, and then it's over, they're gone and they're not kids anymore.

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Learn more here

https://dadvengers.com/

https://www.facebook.com/Dadvengersofficial

https://www.instagram.com/dadvengersofficial/

https://twitter.com/Dadvengers_

https://nigelclarkepresenter.co.uk/

https://www.thelionsbarbercollective.com/

From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy

From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy

As a newly married 23 year old, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood while driving the A39 to and from Bristol, Nathan McGurl, founder of The Study Buddy did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.

The My First Kid website has sadly gone the way of our My Space profiles, but the story Nathan tells of dads sidelined from parenting will still resonate to many, even if supermarket parenting clubs no longer limit you to identifying as “Ms, Mrs or Miss”

We blend discussion about bad broadband, good haircuts and expensive contact lenses with a look at lazy and damaging gender stereotyping promoted by the UK government.

Nathan explains how having exhausting all the classic parenting manipulation techniques with his son, he created a system of GCSE revision planning that didn’t rely on learning by osmosis and became The Study Buddy.

Content

01:10 Nathan is a gin and tonic away from being “magenta.”

02:45 James loses the world’s most expensive contact lens.

04:10 Ian on bad broadband, good haircuts and lockdown birthdays

05:50 New marriage, new dad and new millennium - there was a lot going on.

06:50 On the road to Street and myfirstkid.co.uk was born, capturing all of these things flying through my head…

08:20 I started to become more aware of “parenthood” because I don't think “fatherhood” was much of a thing then.

10:00 Parenthood was all about the mums. The Safeway club just assumed it's Mrs. Nathan McGurl. I mean, you could be Ms. or Miss or Mrs, but you couldn't be Mr.

12:20 We talk government and gender stereotyping

15:40 Emails from Mums even more than Dads

I don't want to build it up to sound like it was profound, because it wasn't, it was things like “there's multiple births (triplets and twins) that run through my wife's side of the family… and I’m not sure if I could cope with having more than one at a time.”

It was more an irreverent type of thing, not necessarily a manifesto for fathers.

18:30 The path to creating The Study Buddy

It was deeply practical at the time, my son was going through his GCSEs when he was 16. God love him, he is me. So he's sort of a bit lazy with a sprinkling more cockiness in there than is possibly healthy.

He's every bit as ambitious as his mum and so he wanted to be a doctor, brain surgeon, quantum physicist, whatever it was that he had in his head to do, but his idea to get there was osmosis.

19:30 Using every trick in the book for motivation - “how about I give you a fiver?”

21:00 Then it came to Easter just before his exams,

The shouting is not as effective as I'd hoped. I just had two questions really that I kept asking him and he wasn't able to answer.

first one was… how much work have you got to do?

and secondly… have you got enough time to do all of that work?

22:00 It wasn't emotional anymore because it wasn't me telling him what I thought he should do.

22:47 This is how Study Buddy works

We have broken down all of the GCSEs and IGCSEs and some BTec etc so that we can create this master to do list. I mean, whatever it is you do, you've got to have, even if it's in your head, a list of things and steps that you need to go through. And then the next thing was, well, when are you going to do it?

26:30 You don't need to spend money, but for those parents who actually just don't have the time or the inclination…

27:40 It was built for the procrastinating boy, but this kind of approach helps with, those who are really anxious.

30:00 The power of the student feeling in control

I don't mean to suggest for one second that we implemented this on the Sunday and come Monday morning, we'd had the inverse Kevin and Perry effect, and my child came downstairs, in suit and tie because it wasn't like that! But what did happen, over time, was he started to feel like, he controlled it.

33:10 Tips

CKC = “Communication is key with COVID”

The power of an Excel spreadsheet - people will assume that you're busy and they will walk away.

Zig Ziglar quote “The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.”

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Learn more here

https://thestudybuddy.com/

https://www.facebook.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/

https://twitter.com/thestudybuddyUK

https://www.instagram.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/

Photo credit: @comparefibre via Unsplash

Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?

Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?

I saw something on Twitter yesterday that caught my eye...

No, it wasn't a debate about vaccinations or covid competency.

It was a woman posting about home schooling, she reflected that having the kids at home and trying to work at the same time meant the days were simultaneously both too long and too short.

I love my kids but I'd love them to be at school, learning and playing there instead of being at home endlessly defining my life by their various needs, time tables, times tables and not accepting a ham sandwich or pot noodle "a la desk" is a proper lunch.

The result is a long day that never seems long enough to "get stuff done", but long enough and disrupted enough to feel exhausted at 9:30pm and making progress on work projects is like wading through treacle. It's no wonder I haven't done my tax return yet...

But there are always positives, every Friday James Millar and I jump on Zoom and have a 40 minute chat with a new and interesting guest for the Lockdown Dads podcast. It feels like our own TFI Friday moment, plus we get to learn and share ideas with great people with something to say.

Paul Bulos, Executive, Leadership & Wellbeing Coach and publishing professional joins us to ponder “what colour are you today and why?” We dig into the benefits of lockdowns - including connecting with your kids and we touch on the importance of empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.

Plus we discuss dad ‘presence’ - how important is secondary school transition, what does the “right train” mean to you and taking time to involve yourself in the things that are important to your children.

Tips include - it’s time for clippers, the Language of gaming and Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control .

Contents

00:20 Lockdown birthdays are rubbish.

02:30 If you could describe how you are doing as a colour, what would that colour be and why?

02:45 Paul’s Funday Friday - energy and weather = yellow

03:15 Ian, green for Pakistan - ODI cricket tickets for the summer

04:20 James = black… I like black

07:40 Learning self awareness and family dynamics

09:15 Paul’s relationship with his daughter

Photo Credit: @lajaxx via Unsplash

I've always been really close to my kids, but I've got a lot closer and some of that's good and some of that's not so good… one of the key things that really came through that first lockdown, was my relationship with my daughter. She started 13, went into being 14. That's quite an age for young females, lots going on, lots changing. I noticed a lot changing. And just before the lockdown, I was being very honest about it, finding quite difficult.

Our connections seem to be drifting a little bit where we'd been really close before we'd done a lot of things together. She sort of flipped into that proper teenage time and she was beginning to just drift away a bit.

And then we started doing this walk, we live in West London, so we started walking to Osterley Park very early. We didn't often say that much to each other, but the content of what we started to talk about between us was, far more meaningful than they'd ever been. I think we just started to reconnect, but in a different way.

12:25 Helping children to feel safe

14:05 A higher proportion proportion of dads think that the switch to secondary school is a time when they need to be around for their kids.

15:00 How comfortable are you saying, “you know what, I can't make that meeting at 5:30” because if I don't do that, I can't get the train, which means I won't be home for my kids.

15:50 You come home one day and, and they don't come to the door. And I said, no, I can't imagine that.

17:00 The impact of missing your train - my wife knew exactly what time I'd be walking through the door at the end of the working day.

19:30 The transition between work - coming home and re-entry into domestic, household and parenting life.

One of the other things that I found quite interesting is that the children, for first time, in their life really, have seen me working, seeing what that means, what that looks like. If I ever came home from work and I was particularly preoccupied or had a difficult day, they, they never really grasped the concept of that. But now that we're around each other so much more, we have conversations in the day, much more readily around what's going on.

Vice versa for their school day. Some of the things that they're doing and getting up to and how their, some of their stresses and strains, you know, when they've had a frustrating lesson or when you know, they feel like they haven't really been heard in their lesson.

I wouldn't normally hear that stuff, but now I'm hearing it much more regularly. So we're relating in a very different way and understanding and appreciating and having more empathy for each other in a very different way.

21:50 James talks about his workingdads.co.uk building back better agenda.

23:00 Lunchtimes together.

24:00 The power of coaching - examining values and my responsibilities as a parent

25:30 Children as they've become far more cognitive in the world and they've got their own things, you really have to listen to them.

They've got something to say now, whereas when they're little, they're just looking at you almost to repeat what they need to say, but as they've grown up I think probably post 10, 11, they've really got something to say and it's worth listening to.

The speaking is his understanding that he's being listened to. And that requires reflection back to him, all those kinds of things.

27:00 My Daughter has helped me as a coach

One of the important things of being a coach is being able to be in the quiet and be comfortable in that quiet space and allowing that space, not feeling you need to fill it, not feeling you need to rescue, but providing your coachee with that. My daughter is quite quiet and thoughtful and her feelings are quite deep. They don't come to the surface. She doesn't wear a heart on her sleeve. So she's actually helped me in my coaching practice because I have to sit with that space a lot more than I do with my son.

28:30 Tips

• Home haircuts - clippers are back on stock

• Try to understand the language of gaming.

So I remember when he used to collect Pokemon cards, I would walk with him and he would talk to me and I literally didn't understand a single word he said, and and it's now happening with Fortnite. So I have now invested in the time to say to him, could you just explain what you're talking about? Because I realized this could go on a while. I can't have conversations with him that I really don't understand for any longer.

• Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control. (former guest on the show)

More from Paul Bulos

https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulbulos/

http://www.thecompletecoach.co.uk/safe/

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/sink-swim-vital-dads-look-after-themselves/

Photo Credit: @patrickian4 via Unsplash

swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

Living 50m from Central Park in Upper West side Manhattan sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....

Steve Myall, former deputy features editor of the Daily Mirror and co-host of the highly successful First Time Dads podcast joins James Millar and I as the circle of podcasting is complete.

True story - I first heard James on Steve's podcast, went and bought his book, Dads Don't Babysit, found him on Twitter, and tweeted about how much I liked the content.

We talk shared parental leave, finding space in a big city and why diplomatic status is this year's must have accessory for the Real Brit Dads of New York. Steve talks about what it is like on the ground in New York - elections, parenting and being that elusive species - the hands on stay at home dad.

Watch or listen to any of our episodes here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads

Contents

01:30 switching a house for an apartment, not realising that we would be in it 24 hours a day.

02:30 Home school and Boris the Cat

05:00 God alone knows what we're going to do at the weekend.

06:00 We had a friend who took some shared parental leave, he was in his shorts, had grown a beard. He was relaxed. He was chilled. And the relationship with his second child looked fantastic.

07:30 Condensed hours and changing how you look at work.

08:00 Moving to New York.

09:30 The First Time Dads Podcast - because we felt that dad's weren't really talking about the emotional stuff.

I still get emails, I still get messages on Twitter, people coming to it, for the first time. I mean, we suffered a little bit because of the sound quality at the beginning, but you know, it was really well received. We were nominated for best podcast in the podcast awards. We had lots of people coming to us wanting to be on it because it had this particular reach to dads and we had no difficulties getting guests at all because it was something new.

13:30 There was talk of a virus in China and then suddenly New York's in this epicenter.

14:30 If you're on the seventh floor of an apartment you can't take them to playgrounds or shop.

16:45 We are fortunate, because my wife works for the UN, we've got a diplomatic status here so that we were able to come back to the UK.

Which a lot of the people that I've met, over here, British, haven't been able to do so. I'm on a WhatsApp group, which is called the “Real Brit Dads of New York”… their visas don't allow them to go backwards and forwards. So they had like 18 months, some of them, without seeing grandparents.

17:45 New York parks v Crystal Palace Park aka "have you got a big dinosaur with its face fallen off?"

19:35 Federal law allows you to have 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave as a dad.

22:00 Not only would it be unusual for me to see a dad taking their kids to this stuff, it would be unusual for me to see a parent because they're all nannies.

And, you know, if I talked to the guys that work on the door here, you know, they don't live in upper west side. If you live in New Jersey, it's a different thing. Or maybe Queens and the Bronx, it's, it's a slightly more community way of parenting, but certainly where we are, it feels like the kids are being looked after rather than being parented.

23:00 It's changed a lot since lockdown - you see a lot more dads doing drop-off and pick up because obviously they're working from home.

26:10 And then the adults all have a shrink, right?

28:00 We drove back into New York as the election result came over the radio and people were out in the street, opening bottles of champagne, cheering on the street corners.

29:00 If you go in Central Park, without wearing a mask outside, you will be shouted at.

30:00 Tips: Watch Soul, eat chocolate oranges and get in touch with mindfulness and the craft box.

Photo Credit: @joshcouchdesign via Unsplash