HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
We're all back?
I'm back,
We're all 'back'? Back in the office? Back to school?
We’re all back?
I'm back,
We're all 'back'?
Back in the office?
Back to school?
Back to the coffee shop - which is where I'm typing this - hello Bromley...
Back to coordinating kids activities, car shares and trying to maintain some sanity.
and most importantly trying to be kind to ourselves, "good enough is good enough".
Our daughter Freya is only 4 days into secondary school and I know it will get easier, but thinking about the new tech, calendars, and working out how to be in 2 places at once is draining.
Of course the summer holidays went too quickly in a whirlwind of 'staycation' breaks, some child care and trying not to neglect the kids while keeping on top of the Inspiring Dads mission.
Two particular highlights for me - watching our daughter dance with the local English Youth Ballet performance of Swan Lake and taking our son to Crystal Palace's first full capacity Premier League home match since March 2020.
I don't think I'll ever underestimate the sheer joy and connection that comes from in-person, mass events, long may they continue to be safe enough.
Here are some work highlights I wanted to share since I last wrote.
Finalising the first licensing of The New Dads Accelerator course content.
Co-presenting at Aberdeen Energy Industry's Axis Network webinar - "Why Men’s Work Life Balance Matters to Everyone" (and smashing industry standard engagement and attendance percentages)
Running a two hour live in person (!) workshop for management consultants
How to use ‘DISC’ personality preferences to fast track your influencing and collaboration skills
Plus planning events for a eclectic mix of clients ranging from Ralph Lauren to Credit Suisse and NHS commissioning groups in in Wiltshire and Essex
Busy is good right?
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The Lockdown Dads Podcast
If you are back on the commute, now is a perfect time to explore the 46 Lockdown Dads podcast episodes James Millar and I recorded over the last 15 months.
You can listen or watch a variety of fascinating guests including
CBeebies presenter - Nigel Clarke (Ep32)
Scottish Conservative Party leader - Douglas Ross (Ep7)
Coldplay drummer - Will Champion (Ep35)
and for political balance...
former Labour MP James Frith (Ep4)
All the links to listen or watch here:
https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads
Photo Credit Jen Theodore via Unsplash @jentheodore
Rhian Mannings MBE - Making a Real difference
In 2012 Rhian Mannings’ life suddenly and tragically changed when first her young son George died, followed 5 days later by her husband Paul. She then founded 2 Wish Upon A Star.
Rhian Mannings MBE - Making a Real Difference
In 2012 Rhian Mannings’ life suddenly and tragically changed when first her young son George died, followed 5 days later by her husband Paul.
In this important and uplifting conversation we explore how support was missing for bereaved parents like Rhian and Paul and how, what she imagined would be “hobby”, turned into a nationwide charity called 2 Wish Upon A Star providing immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.
We learn about the importance of the elephant in the bereavement box (and in the room) and discuss “masculinities” and how they have an impact on how and when men seek out the help they need.
Plus we scatter some celebrity stardust from the likes of Sam Warburton, Will Champion, Nick Knowles and Michael Sheen.
Contents
01:00 Spring, getting out the house in Wales, rugby and the importance of sport
03:10 Why The Great Escape is analogy for how James feels
05:40 Rhian’s path to founding 2 Wish Upon a Star. Losing George and Paul.
“Over the next few days, what was clear, very quickly, was that there was no support available to us as a family. We were very much abandoned by the system really. Luckily we had amazing family and friends around us, we were lucky in that respect.”
07:00 Starting the charity - I just needed something to keep me going.
08:30 Lacking support, Paul blamed himself.
“We got a piece of paper with some phone numbers on, some of them were out of order and I'm still waiting for the rest of them to contact me today.”
09:40 Going into A&E departments and asking for the person in charge
“And I said, what will happen today? If a child died suddenly? And the same thing that happened to us would have happened to them.”
11:00 Finding the strength to tell her story
12:30 Ian talks about his friendship with Paul and the first time he met Rhian
14:15 Reflecting on bereavement and how different families have coped with lockdown
15:00 Keeping 2 Wish Upon A Star going during lockdown
16:40 The elephant in the room - memory boxes and remembering
“When George died, I'll never forget the nurses just panicked because they couldn't find anything to perhaps take some fingerprints or hand prints or some, some of his curls.”
19:00 Paul felt like he’d failed everyone
“You know, his exact words to my sister at one point was “Daddies, shouldn't let their children die” “
21:00 Multiple masculinities and the pressure men can feel
23:00 Supporting dads - the importance of sport in the charity’s work.
24:30 The Welsh rugby team - role models for mental health
26:00 Celebrity Ambassadors - Will Champion and Nick Knowles
27:00 Super actor Michael Sheen unveiled as new ambassador!
Tips
Photograph your kids asleep (!)
Recognise when you nee to plug your battery in
Understand that reaching out the help is not a sign of weakness, it is often a sign of strength.
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Connect or contact with Rhian and her charity
TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers
“Everyone’s Welcome” as Nigel Clarke, CBeebies presenter, explains how Dadvengers started from an all Dads episode of The Baby Club.
TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers
There’s just not enough time!
Nigel Clarke, CBeebies presenter, explains how Dadvengers started from an all Dads episode of The Baby Club, the groundbreaking show for mums, dads and carers with babies under 18 months old. The Baby Club reflects the important CBeebies mantra that “Everyone’s Welcome”.
We talk about a generational shift in what is expected from and expected by dads and the importance of dads having the skills and confidence to be alone with their kids.
Ian and Nigel try and explain to James what the Clubhouse excitement is all about and we discover how you manage a 4 hour filming session with babies, sing songs (!) and probe Nigel about parenting in the public eye and what goes on at a CBeebies Xmas party.
Contents
01:15 Using Lockdown in the most positive way we can be - “I've found a place where I'm happy.”
02:00 Nigel’s motto - “There just isn't enough time”.
03:00 Special To Do lists
04:00 Children on Teams and Clubhouse
“Somebody told me about it (Clubhouse) and I was like, this is never going to work. But if it's done right, it's like attending a really cool lecture or a really cool networking room where you share stuff.”
06:45 Trying not to get stressed - people are accommodating
08:00 CBeebies closed for a couple of weeks and we, as the presenters, were recording stuff in our homes. So I did a series of links from my lounge.
09:45 Dadchats was a place for me to just research what parents might want to see or hear about in the Dadvengers podcast.
11:20 We did an episode of The Baby Club just with Dads
14:55
“I'm mid forties. So I grew up with a generation where the dads were at work. You see them maybe at the weekend, maybe in the evenings, maybe briefly before they go to work in the morning.
They didn't have the opportunity to be with their kids and around them spending lots of time.”
15:45: Wanting to be more involved - The Baby Club as a platform to really help dads.
18:40 The essence of it was wanting dads from all different backgrounds who were engaged with their kids, who weren't scared to change a nappy.
20:10 The importance of making dads feel welcome.
21:00 Patience and being public figure.
21:30 I don't know if I can really call my work work.
23:30 Chaos and contagious crying - how to film an episode of The Baby Club.
24:45 I know a song that’ll stick in your head….
26:20 What happens on a CBeebies night out, stays on a CBeebies night out.
28:00 Tips
Men need to learn how to listen, not just talk.
Feel good with a squirt of aftershave.
Be present when your kids are there and you're spending time with them, put that phone away, drop it down.
30:44 There's not long left. We're at 13, we're two thirds of the way through, and then it's over, they're gone and they're not kids anymore.
From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy
23 year old Nathan, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.
From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy
As a newly married 23 year old, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood while driving the A39 to and from Bristol, Nathan McGurl, founder of The Study Buddy did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.
The My First Kid website has sadly gone the way of our My Space profiles, but the story Nathan tells of dads sidelined from parenting will still resonate to many, even if supermarket parenting clubs no longer limit you to identifying as “Ms, Mrs or Miss”
We blend discussion about bad broadband, good haircuts and expensive contact lenses with a look at lazy and damaging gender stereotyping promoted by the UK government.
Nathan explains how having exhausting all the classic parenting manipulation techniques with his son, he created a system of GCSE revision planning that didn’t rely on learning by osmosis and became The Study Buddy.
Content
01:10 Nathan is a gin and tonic away from being “magenta.”
02:45 James loses the world’s most expensive contact lens.
04:10 Ian on bad broadband, good haircuts and lockdown birthdays
05:50 New marriage, new dad and new millennium - there was a lot going on.
06:50 On the road to Street and myfirstkid.co.uk was born, capturing all of these things flying through my head…
08:20 I started to become more aware of “parenthood” because I don't think “fatherhood” was much of a thing then.
10:00 Parenthood was all about the mums. The Safeway club just assumed it's Mrs. Nathan McGurl. I mean, you could be Ms. or Miss or Mrs, but you couldn't be Mr.
12:20 We talk government and gender stereotyping
15:40 Emails from Mums even more than Dads
I don't want to build it up to sound like it was profound, because it wasn't, it was things like “there's multiple births (triplets and twins) that run through my wife's side of the family… and I’m not sure if I could cope with having more than one at a time.”
It was more an irreverent type of thing, not necessarily a manifesto for fathers.
18:30 The path to creating The Study Buddy
It was deeply practical at the time, my son was going through his GCSEs when he was 16. God love him, he is me. So he's sort of a bit lazy with a sprinkling more cockiness in there than is possibly healthy.
He's every bit as ambitious as his mum and so he wanted to be a doctor, brain surgeon, quantum physicist, whatever it was that he had in his head to do, but his idea to get there was osmosis.
19:30 Using every trick in the book for motivation - “how about I give you a fiver?”
21:00 Then it came to Easter just before his exams,
The shouting is not as effective as I'd hoped. I just had two questions really that I kept asking him and he wasn't able to answer.
first one was… how much work have you got to do?
and secondly… have you got enough time to do all of that work?
22:00 It wasn't emotional anymore because it wasn't me telling him what I thought he should do.
22:47 This is how Study Buddy works
We have broken down all of the GCSEs and IGCSEs and some BTec etc so that we can create this master to do list. I mean, whatever it is you do, you've got to have, even if it's in your head, a list of things and steps that you need to go through. And then the next thing was, well, when are you going to do it?
26:30 You don't need to spend money, but for those parents who actually just don't have the time or the inclination…
27:40 It was built for the procrastinating boy, but this kind of approach helps with, those who are really anxious.
30:00 The power of the student feeling in control
I don't mean to suggest for one second that we implemented this on the Sunday and come Monday morning, we'd had the inverse Kevin and Perry effect, and my child came downstairs, in suit and tie because it wasn't like that! But what did happen, over time, was he started to feel like, he controlled it.
33:10 Tips
CKC = “Communication is key with COVID”
The power of an Excel spreadsheet - people will assume that you're busy and they will walk away.
Zig Ziglar quote “The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.”
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Learn more here
https://www.facebook.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/
Photo credit: @comparefibre via Unsplash
swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...
Living 50m from Central Park sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....
swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...
Living 50m from Central Park in Upper West side Manhattan sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....
Steve Myall, former deputy features editor of the Daily Mirror and co-host of the highly successful First Time Dads podcast joins James Millar and I as the circle of podcasting is complete.
True story - I first heard James on Steve's podcast, went and bought his book, Dads Don't Babysit, found him on Twitter, and tweeted about how much I liked the content.
We talk shared parental leave, finding space in a big city and why diplomatic status is this year's must have accessory for the Real Brit Dads of New York. Steve talks about what it is like on the ground in New York - elections, parenting and being that elusive species - the hands on stay at home dad.
Watch or listen to any of our episodes here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads
Contents
01:30 switching a house for an apartment, not realising that we would be in it 24 hours a day.
02:30 Home school and Boris the Cat
05:00 God alone knows what we're going to do at the weekend.
06:00 We had a friend who took some shared parental leave, he was in his shorts, had grown a beard. He was relaxed. He was chilled. And the relationship with his second child looked fantastic.
07:30 Condensed hours and changing how you look at work.
08:00 Moving to New York.
09:30 The First Time Dads Podcast - because we felt that dad's weren't really talking about the emotional stuff.
I still get emails, I still get messages on Twitter, people coming to it, for the first time. I mean, we suffered a little bit because of the sound quality at the beginning, but you know, it was really well received. We were nominated for best podcast in the podcast awards. We had lots of people coming to us wanting to be on it because it had this particular reach to dads and we had no difficulties getting guests at all because it was something new.
13:30 There was talk of a virus in China and then suddenly New York's in this epicenter.
14:30 If you're on the seventh floor of an apartment you can't take them to playgrounds or shop.
16:45 We are fortunate, because my wife works for the UN, we've got a diplomatic status here so that we were able to come back to the UK.
Which a lot of the people that I've met, over here, British, haven't been able to do so. I'm on a WhatsApp group, which is called the “Real Brit Dads of New York”… their visas don't allow them to go backwards and forwards. So they had like 18 months, some of them, without seeing grandparents.
17:45 New York parks v Crystal Palace Park aka "have you got a big dinosaur with its face fallen off?"
19:35 Federal law allows you to have 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave as a dad.
22:00 Not only would it be unusual for me to see a dad taking their kids to this stuff, it would be unusual for me to see a parent because they're all nannies.
And, you know, if I talked to the guys that work on the door here, you know, they don't live in upper west side. If you live in New Jersey, it's a different thing. Or maybe Queens and the Bronx, it's, it's a slightly more community way of parenting, but certainly where we are, it feels like the kids are being looked after rather than being parented.
23:00 It's changed a lot since lockdown - you see a lot more dads doing drop-off and pick up because obviously they're working from home.
26:10 And then the adults all have a shrink, right?
28:00 We drove back into New York as the election result came over the radio and people were out in the street, opening bottles of champagne, cheering on the street corners.
29:00 If you go in Central Park, without wearing a mask outside, you will be shouted at.
30:00 Tips: Watch Soul, eat chocolate oranges and get in touch with mindfulness and the craft box.
Photo Credit: @joshcouchdesign via Unsplash
New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season
Lockdown is hardly something to celebrate, but the Lockdown Dads show is still by your side
New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season
Photo Credit: Gabriel Tovar via Unsplash
How's it going?
New Year, New Lockdown... a joyous time.
Now I don't know whether it's because my son is nearly a year older than he was in home-school remote learning version 1.... but he's much more engaged with learning and embracing his Daddy's teaching "authority". This is a good thing, less shouting and arguing all round, generally a happy house.
It could have been something to do with my tip on this week's Lockdown Dad's podcast - get your children to help design the plan for the day / week, I think it does wonders for their sense of control in these difficult times.
or maybe I'm being more present, devoting both my mind and my focus to home schooling and then working in between?
Not everyone has this luxury but normally work can wait and multi tasking is doomed to fail anyway.
Whatever the cause it's a small win in a world of blank calendars and drizzle...
The podcast that won’t go away
Get a one minute seek preview here
Yes! the podcast is back. We joke that we'd love to kill it off, but bringing out great guests and hopefully adding insight and value to our audience's lives is still massively important, now as much as ever I reckon.
So it's season 3 and episode 28, this time James and I are joined by Louise Goss, founder and editor of The Homeworker Magazine.
One time self employed journalist based in Australia, we discover how interviewing and profiling home working entrepreneurs for a tech start up was the start of the idea that became The Homeworker magazine.
Louise draws upon her husband's experiences as we reflect on how attitudes towards home working have changed from both an individual and business perspective.
Plus...
Why her magazine is much more useful than googling the top 5 productivity tips
How The Homeworker blends key themes around business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.
and why James found another reason to hate fascists.
Episode 28 includes
02:30 James has the hump with fascists
03:30 Groundhog day - it's hard to hit the ground running in 2021
04:20 Ian misses flow
05:30 Less parental guilt this time
07:20 From Freelance journalist to celebrating the 2nd anniversary of the magazine
09:00 Louise back in UK with 2 children under 3
09:50 Blending business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.
10:15 I wish I could say I had this Eureka moment and this amazing foresight that we're all going to be doing it
12:10 Work and life are very integrated nowadays. And there's no real getting around that.
12:50 it's very easy to do a quick Google, you know, top five productivity tips working from home.
15:25 Branching out into a corporate subscription
16:30 There's working from home and then there's working from home during a global pandemic
17:30 Parenting and homeworking
22:00 Husband changing how he felt about home working
25:19 We actually turfed my daughter out of her room and made an office joining lockdown
26:30 Ergonomics advice - the best posture is the next posture
27:20 Tips
Involving the children in the planning of home-school
Leave the fairy lights up
If you create an inviting and welcoming workspace you're going to do better work there
Photo Credit: Ray Hennessy via Unsplash @rayhennessy
Christmas Reflections 2020
Family time, The Lockdown Dads Podcast and awesome people. These are some of the things i’ll remember from 2020.
Nearly at the end of the year... phew.
2021 is bound to be better eh?
I wrote about the feeling of crashing into a Covid Iceberg (which was a great opportunity to include a lot of Titanic references!)
For our family, it's not all been bad, we've stayed healthy and so have immediate and extended family, sometimes it's good to remember that basic measure of success.
Good things this year - family time (walks, movie nights & general time together)
Bad things - family time; in particular home school taking over my life and sucking time from the day, plus squabbling with my son about home school (my daughter is much easier!)
From a business perspective, it's been tough for paid coaching work but really rewarding in terms of helping people on free calls, making appearances in webinars and panel events and even chatting on national radio. https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/media
Lockdown Dads Podcast
In May, James Millar and I kicked off Lockdown Dads - the podcast we hoped would only be relevant for one season. Now we are booking guests for season 3 that will run until April. In the nicest possible way I sincerely hope that we can kill it off then!
The final episode (#27) is available to watch or listen here:
https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads
"A look back at 26 episodes of Lockdown Dads - the good, the bad and the ugly as we ponder the "annus horribilis" that was 2020. We talk guests and the tips that inspired us and the tips that shocked us, it's all here as we discuss what 2021 has instore for dads and their families and how as a show we can continue to bring you interesting and informative content onward into season 3 of a project we wanted to kill off. Too much lockdown...!"
Awesome People
Finally for this year I was very proud to see two friends recognised for their work
Rhian Mannings MBE received a Pride of Britain special recognition award from actor Michael Sheen for her charity work.
While Eb Mukhtar was recognised with an MBE for his role in organising PPE logistics for the NHS.
"The fact that no NHS hospital ever ran out of stock is largely due to improvements he made."
and onto now
Here in SE London we're in Tier 4; Christmas plans are cancelled and we wait again to see what the plans are for schooling. The eye opening stat is that in our immediate areas 1 in 100 of the population tested positive last week for Covd.
Not me though, I paid for a test so I could visit my Dad, safe in the knowledge that I wasn't going to infect him. Naturally, I got a negative result a few hours after discovering that Xmas was off and it was a waste of £120. Such is life.
Great news is that Caroline from his local pub The Ruishton Inn are going to deliver him a Christmas Dinner. Community is alive and well!
Looking ahead a bit to 2021
It's exciting to be bringing another set of awesome guests to the Lockdown Dads podcast in the spring, a couple of collaborations will be launched and I'll be rolling out "The Successful Dads Scorecard".
The scorecard will give dads the opportunity to answer some important questions and get simple actionable tips based on how they scored. I can't wait to share it with you!
If you want to be a beta tester? email me here info@inspiringdads.co.uk
Some final words
Sometimes all we can do is adapt and accept and keep going. As Rocky Balboa says in the film Creed "One step at a time. One punch at a time. One round at a time."
and keep talking
talk to your partner
talk to your kids
talk to your mates
because as Bob Hoskins once said "It's good to talk"
Merry Christmas
Ian, Lisa, Freya and Struan
Picture Credit: Volodymyr Hryshchenko via Unsplash @lunarts
Fatherhood Matters: Changing the Culture for Working Dads
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters to discuss fatherhood, culture and covid.
On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters.
Like ageing pop stars, we jostled with top billing and soundbites. Early attendees were treated to the sort of behind the scenes banter and rubbish jokes that you would expect from 4 white middle class dads (mostly in their 40s!)
Joking aside, the webinar was such a success we broke the internet – well Zoom had a technical issue that unexpectedly and annoyingly capped live attendees at 100. Lockdown maybe easing but technology shenanigans are still waiting to catch people out.
Contributors were Brian Ballantyne, Dan Reed, James Millar and myself, Ian Dinwiddy
Quotes throughout were taken anonymously from the chat box.
Access Password: 5w!B=*i!
Positives of Lockdown
James talked about time with his family, while recognising that isn’t a positive for everyone – depending on relationship tensions and available space, but for him real quality time without any fear of missing out and being able to eat flavoured crisps without their air pollution hampering face to face meetings!
Brian appreciated the chance to decompress, relishing the lack of a stressful commute.
Dan reflected on the unprecedented chance to spend time with his daughter, just turned 1, experiencing her milestones and being there for bedtime. In broader terms he made a great point about the democratisation of individual voices, with face to face opportunities likely to remain limited, location is no longer seen a disadvantage.
For me it was about the opportunity to invest in family time – weekend walks, movie night and eating together every day. We were all grateful and understanding of the privilege to have space inside to work and outside space to play.
Poll: What is the biggest challenge for working fathers?
A culture of presenteeism was the ‘winner’ with 42%, ahead of options
choice of flexible working denied,
fear of job loss and
obstructive line manager.
Here is selection of other challenges identified in the live chat
“Fear of cultural stereotype and social judgement”
“Sexism, managers, male and female, assuming that it should be a woman looking after children”
“Fear of Job Loss – if you’re not available then it’s not viewed upon ‘favourably’ “
“I think working Dad’s themselves are part of the problem in recognising their own journey, its challenges and being willing to reach out for help”
Challenges of Lockdown
Moving onto a discussion on the challenges of lockdown, James found it hard to find time to yourself and your own thoughts – despite the benefits of being together as a family there was a recognition from all of us that your own physical and emotional space really matters.
In contrast to Brian, Dan had found himself missing the commute – his time to listen to a podcast, play on the Switch or read. Instead replaced by zero commute time and a flip from “family mode” to “work mode” at 08:59 without so much as 15 minutes of mindfulness.
Brian’s comment about a “Maslow reset” (Hierarchy of Needs) resonated in the comments with worries about basic needs such as health, food (and toilet paper) having taken priority in the psyche.
We had all found it tricky to set and maintain barriers between work and home life, while at the same time accepting that one of the key ways for everyone to survive the process was to accept a degree of blend between work and family life, no matter how messy that could get.
What are the implications of the experience of working flexibly and remotely during lockdown for dads in future?
What key lessons can we take from this experience?
After these initial thoughts Rachel took us into bigger topics around flexible and remote working for dads, as Dan noted, many men see formal flexible working as “for mums.”
You can see why when last year Daddilife’s “Millennial Dad At Work” survey found that 63% of men surveyed had requested some form of flexibility, but of those who requested working from home (1-2 days a week), less than 1 in 5 of those were successful in their request (19%).
This isn’t flexible working
Early in lockdown James wrote an article pointing out that this version of remote working was not working from home and Dan echoed that point.
There’s nothing flexible about being forced to work from home in a space you share with your family and with school, formal childcare and informal family babysitting being taken away in one fell swoop.
My own experience of coaching and mentoring dads during Lockdown tells me that despite the practical and emotional challenges of lockdown, dads have also seen the benefits of being much more active and involved parents. They don’t want to return to the working structures of 2019, they want to design something that fits around their family life.
I think that that says a lot for just how broken the system has been, when, despite everything, a man in a 2 bed flat with a young baby tells you he wants to work from home regularly in the future.
Benefits
I think that despite the chaos, stress, and tension of this surreal version of remote working, we’re learning something what single dads have always known – that breadwinner and carer are not separate roles.
As Michael Ray https://michaelray.com.au/ pointed out in the comments:
“My current bug-bear is the preponderance of equality advocates who are too eager to classify bread-winning as somehow separate to care giving rather than a vital part of it which has allowed employers to be wilfully blind to parental responsibilities”
This messy, though ultimately rewarding, blend of work and life maybe be flawed but we want more of it.
Assumptions have flipped
Brian mused that the default has flipped. For office-based workers the default was office, with possibly some home / coffee shop / remote location and now we’ve gone the other way.
Yes there are consequences, as LinkedIn Change Maker John Adams pointed out this week, while major city / town centres and public transport firms will struggle in a new world of remote working, it does create an opportunity to rebalance the economy away from tax efficient corporate entities and into the hands of the local cafes and restaurants for instance.
Choice
Ultimately it needs to be about choice. Giving dads some sort of choice as to where to work to meet business and family objectives.
As James said recently, this is the route to “help fathers thrive and companies succeed.”
Not everyone wants to be in the office all the time, not everyone wants to be at home all the time, my wife (lawyer) is case in point. As part of writing this, I asked her what her ideal would be – 3 days in the London office, 2 days at home. But currently the 35-minute train journey isn’t very appealing…
At this point another poll Rachel ran showed – 82% planned to work more flexibility than pre-covid.
What guidance would you give to companies looking to support working dads and improve their experience at work, so they are able to be great employees and great dads?
Ditch the assumptions
My response was stop assuming that working dads don’t have caring responsibilities or desires to be more involved in their children’s lives.
It’s so important to dig deep and have proper time-consuming human to human conversations to understand what sort of support each employee needs. The pressure and tension a dad might be facing as he tries to juggle his responsibilities may not be obvious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Men have become adept at concealing the pressure they face, presenting a face of devotion to their business.
Companies need to treat everyone as individuals and understand that caring responsibilities aren’t just for mums. That sort of lazy thinking creates a 2-tier system that does nothing for gender equality, mental health or productivity.
From the chat box:
“Managers are key here. They should understand the individual’s needs and encourage them to flex in the way they need to. Plus, role model themselves.”
Understand intersectionality
This comment from the chat illustrates how the mental health pressures that dads face collides with ethnicity:
“Sadly, I was signed off because of the extreme pressure and now there is another dad (a good friend) with 2 small children, he’s been signed off for 4 weeks (I was signed off for 2 weeks). Being the only black man in the office, I feel all your pressure plus…”
Understand the effect of school holidays – especially in 2020
It’s especially important at the moment – school summer holidays have started, and the vast majority of childcare settings are shut, plus large numbers of grandparents will still be shielding until at least 1st August.
Now is the time for business to understand the childcare responsibilities and support needs for all of their staff.
Tap into empathy
James talked about companies being both mindful of the return work challenges of returning from furlough AND also seeing it as an opportunity to improve empathy towards maternity returners amongst others.
“I’ve been on shared pat leave it is obviously great but a real eye opener for the bump back to work post maternity leave”
Identify and celebrate senior male role models
Working dads take their signals on behaviour from their male leadership.
Brian talked about changing to a more authentic version of himself, becoming a role model for active and involved fatherhood – blogging about fatherhood. His view was that if you can’t be yourself, consider if your company is the right place for you anyway.
But Dads do need to ask…
Lockdown has improved the awareness of personal circumstances and an element of everyone being in a similar boat. Communication has been enhanced, through the lens of Zoom it’s become more personal. Now more than ever is the time to future proof your life.
To ask for the long-term flexible working patterns you and your family need. If you’re a working dad with a working partner, what happens if you don’t push back?
Who picks up the pieces? Who looks after the children?
The good news is that good businesses will want to help.
So, if not now, then when?
Dads face risk
“The difficulty with asking for flexibility is that you worry that if the answer is no, then there will be further consequences in terms of career opportunities in future… I’m ashamed to say that I’ve put this (Zoom) in my calendar as a “private” meeting so my team can’t see what I’m doing at the moment.”
But we need to keep shouting about the benefits of flexible working.
Not just shouting because as James said on our podcast, it’s harder to be heard with a face mask on…
Productivity Benefits
Mental Health Benefits for the whole family
Achievement benefits for our children
Improved relationships with partners = happier employees
Saving money on commuting
Saving money on office space
Don’t feel guilty about being a dad. Speak up, because it might be easier than you think.
“Sometimes things you think others would find difficult are actually OK, but we are worried what others would think”
“Yes, if we didn’t worry about what people thought, we would just ask for it.”
Enhanced Parental Leave is so important.
Shared Parental Leave suffers because families can’t afford to use it and it is dependent on a transfer of rights (usually from a woman to man)
James talked about the benefits Aviva found with 6-month full paid gender neutral parental leave – giving others the opportunity to step up and improving the skjills and capability of the business.
Gender neutral leave is also really important for same sex relationships:
“I’m a mother in a same sex relationship and because I wasn’t the pregnant one, I was also only entitled to two weeks paid time off (despite breastfeeding!) The policy documents that applied to me were named “paternity” policies.”
This comment hit the nail on the head:
“Puppies aren’t just for Christmas and dads aren’t just for parental leave – both have ongoing needs and responsibilities. Too many organisations are patting themselves on the back after providing a shared parental leave policy and then frowning when dad requests to attend school sports day, lipstick on a pig”
Finally, in one-word what would like to see happen in the workplace for dads.
James – Awareness
Ian – Mentoring
Rachel – Communication
Brian – Authenticty
Dan – Openness
Photo credit: Limor Zellermayer via Unsplash @limorganon
The mental health cost of maternity leave
Women struggle with maternity leave, huge numbers of men want to be involved in raising their children and everyone’s mental health would benefit.
So why aren’t we talking more about Men’s flexible working?!
Women struggle with maternity leave, huge numbers of men want to be involved in raising their children and everyone’s mental health would benefit.
So why aren’t we talking more about Men’s flexible working?!
MENTAL HEALTH AND MATERNITY LEAVE
It’s estimated that 150,000 women a year struggle with maternity leave.
As James Millar, author of Dads Don’t Babysit describes in his blog post “That’s a mental health crisis by any standard.”
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-46221187
What can be a wonderful time is actually physically and emotionally draining - looking after babies is no work in the park, I know this, our daughter had quite nasty re-flux from birth. Fortunately for me it was under control by the time I took over at 6 months.
We need to talk about men
“The two of you sign up to bring life into the world together. Then, after two weeks, suddenly they are out the door, whether they want to or not, and you are left literally holding the baby.
For some couples, this moment, and the clear societal division of labour, can sow the seeds of resentment.”
Emma Barnett, Presenter, BBC Radio 5 live
SOMETHING MUST CHANGE
We know Men want to spend more time with their young families but society and the workplace is conditioned to treat men as providers (and women as carers).
Men who seek to spend more time with their families are treated with suspicion and are seen as ‘not committed.’ In fact, rather than spending more time with their new families men end up working harder and longer.
Lack of good work-life balance causes massive amounts of stress and potential relationship breakdown.
IT’S TIME FOR MEN TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED
Your partner’s well being and mental health matters.
Your well being and mental health matters.
✅ Decide how you really want to live your life.
✅ Understand what your family wants and needs.
✅ Assess your work life balance.
✅ Start the conversation about flexible working.
✅ If you are an expectant Dad find out about Shared Parental Leave.
✅ Challenge the lazy stereotypes of Dads who ‘can’t’ be great parents.
✅ Sign this petition to treat ‘expectant’ Dads in the same ways as Mums.
Ready to find out how to achieve the work life balance you need?
Grab out our Top tips guide, sign up to this blog or join us in Facebook
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.