swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

Living 50m from Central Park in Upper West side Manhattan sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....

Steve Myall, former deputy features editor of the Daily Mirror and co-host of the highly successful First Time Dads podcast joins James Millar and I as the circle of podcasting is complete.

True story - I first heard James on Steve's podcast, went and bought his book, Dads Don't Babysit, found him on Twitter, and tweeted about how much I liked the content.

We talk shared parental leave, finding space in a big city and why diplomatic status is this year's must have accessory for the Real Brit Dads of New York. Steve talks about what it is like on the ground in New York - elections, parenting and being that elusive species - the hands on stay at home dad.

Watch or listen to any of our episodes here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads

Contents

01:30 switching a house for an apartment, not realising that we would be in it 24 hours a day.

02:30 Home school and Boris the Cat

05:00 God alone knows what we're going to do at the weekend.

06:00 We had a friend who took some shared parental leave, he was in his shorts, had grown a beard. He was relaxed. He was chilled. And the relationship with his second child looked fantastic.

07:30 Condensed hours and changing how you look at work.

08:00 Moving to New York.

09:30 The First Time Dads Podcast - because we felt that dad's weren't really talking about the emotional stuff.

I still get emails, I still get messages on Twitter, people coming to it, for the first time. I mean, we suffered a little bit because of the sound quality at the beginning, but you know, it was really well received. We were nominated for best podcast in the podcast awards. We had lots of people coming to us wanting to be on it because it had this particular reach to dads and we had no difficulties getting guests at all because it was something new.

13:30 There was talk of a virus in China and then suddenly New York's in this epicenter.

14:30 If you're on the seventh floor of an apartment you can't take them to playgrounds or shop.

16:45 We are fortunate, because my wife works for the UN, we've got a diplomatic status here so that we were able to come back to the UK.

Which a lot of the people that I've met, over here, British, haven't been able to do so. I'm on a WhatsApp group, which is called the “Real Brit Dads of New York”… their visas don't allow them to go backwards and forwards. So they had like 18 months, some of them, without seeing grandparents.

17:45 New York parks v Crystal Palace Park aka "have you got a big dinosaur with its face fallen off?"

19:35 Federal law allows you to have 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave as a dad.

22:00 Not only would it be unusual for me to see a dad taking their kids to this stuff, it would be unusual for me to see a parent because they're all nannies.

And, you know, if I talked to the guys that work on the door here, you know, they don't live in upper west side. If you live in New Jersey, it's a different thing. Or maybe Queens and the Bronx, it's, it's a slightly more community way of parenting, but certainly where we are, it feels like the kids are being looked after rather than being parented.

23:00 It's changed a lot since lockdown - you see a lot more dads doing drop-off and pick up because obviously they're working from home.

26:10 And then the adults all have a shrink, right?

28:00 We drove back into New York as the election result came over the radio and people were out in the street, opening bottles of champagne, cheering on the street corners.

29:00 If you go in Central Park, without wearing a mask outside, you will be shouted at.

30:00 Tips: Watch Soul, eat chocolate oranges and get in touch with mindfulness and the craft box.

Photo Credit: @joshcouchdesign via Unsplash

My Inspiration - Catching the “right” Train

My Inspiration - Catching the “Right” train

It really goes back to 2009, when my wife and I were preparing for the arrival of our daughter, and we were thinking about how we were going to live our lives - what we were going to do differently.

The choice that we made, was that I would ask for reduced hours in 2010 after our daughter was born, and then, at some stage, about six months after she was born, I would stop work altogether. We’d have a transition period and then my wife would go back to work when her maternity leave was over.

Lisa would have 6 months of full paid maternity leave, a good job working as a lawyer in London and I was working as a Management Consultant which is also a good job, a well paid job but in terms of the financial decision, about who was best placed to look after our daughter after those early days, the decision was made that I would take a career break

Becoming a Dad

So in January 2010 our daughter was born and I moved four days a week, with my fifth day, my “at home” day was flexible, built around the business needs.

So I had a pretty good situation. I had a commutable job - consultancy could be really tough, it could be a long way away from home, but actually, for me, for us, it worked pretty well.

However, it was still really really tough. Freya had reflux, quite severe reflux in the early days, and I used to dread the time when I would phone and check in with Lisa to find out how her morning had been.

Emotional pressures

It was a lunch time call. I’d get my sandwich from downstairs… I would sit in a quiet spot outside the office and I would phone in and I would ask her how things were and depending on what she said… it would have a fundamental impact on my emotional well-being for the rest of the day. You know, particularly for her, if Freya was a bit of a nightmare and she was screaming a lot and she wouldn't feed! She was good at sleeping at night - not good during the day at all. That had a profound impact on my own emotional state for the rest of the day.

Catching the right train

What I found out later was that Lisa, knew exactly which train I was planning to get, it was the same train every day and she knew exactly what time I would walk through the door, and if I couldn't get that train, she really felt those extra 15 minutes, they made a real, real big difference to her and it really affected her, it really made the day stretch out and it went so much slower.

Initially I didn't realise the impact of that train. I had a target train. I had something I wanted to do, but knowing how important that was, was a real game-changer for me in terms of how I approached work, how I got focused in terms of leaving on time and getting the correct train.

And that's one of the initial reasons why I founded Inspiring Dads. When I reflected on my experiences, I realised I had knowledge and skills that I could use to help and support new dads through the emotional trauma of becoming a dad.

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The Inspiring Dads Vision

Active And Involved Fathers Who Stand Out, Stand Up And Make A Difference

We believe that this generation of dads is ready to embrace a new type of working life, one that blends work and family in a way rarely previously experienced by men.

No longer constrained by traditional and divisive gender norms around “bread-winning” and “caring”, these dads are ready to be the hands-on fathers they don’t remember growing up.

We know that more time spent looking after their children is good for dad’s well-being and mental health, unlocks workplace opportunities for their partners and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like.in the workplace.

This generation of dads understands that you shouldn’t have to choose between “being a great dad and having a great career”, and with the right support they will drive improved choice and gender equality for everyone.

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash

Our Values

Flexible Working For All

Everyone wins when dads feel comfortable seeking out the type of flexible working patterns that support their desire to be an active and involved father. #Flexforall.

Supporting Dads Leads To Gender Equality

In order to create equality at home and at work, we need to move away from support that appears to be ‘perks’ just for mums (unequal parental leave, maternity coaching and part time and flexible work).

Communication Is Key

Dads need to be honest about their needs and pressures, and learn to talk openly with partners, managers and co-workers to design working lives that deliver what they and their families need.

Photo Credit: @snapsbyfox via Unsplash

New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season

New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season

Photo Credit: Gabriel Tovar via Unsplash

How's it going?

New Year, New Lockdown... a joyous time.

Now I don't know whether it's because my son is nearly a year older than he was in home-school remote learning version 1.... but he's much more engaged with learning and embracing his Daddy's teaching "authority". This is a good thing, less shouting and arguing all round, generally a happy house.

It could have been something to do with my tip on this week's Lockdown Dad's podcast - get your children to help design the plan for the day / week, I think it does wonders for their sense of control in these difficult times.

or maybe I'm being more present, devoting both my mind and my focus to home schooling and then working in between?

Not everyone has this luxury but normally work can wait and multi tasking is doomed to fail anyway.

Whatever the cause it's a small win in a world of blank calendars and drizzle...

The podcast that won’t go away

Get a one minute seek preview here

Yes! the podcast is back. We joke that we'd love to kill it off, but bringing out great guests and hopefully adding insight and value to our audience's lives is still massively important, now as much as ever I reckon.

So it's season 3 and episode 28, this time James and I are joined by Louise Goss, founder and editor of The Homeworker Magazine.

One time self employed journalist based in Australia, we discover how interviewing and profiling home working entrepreneurs for a tech start up was the start of the idea that became The Homeworker magazine.

Louise draws upon her husband's experiences as we reflect on how attitudes towards home working have changed from both an individual and business perspective.

Plus...

Why her magazine is much more useful than googling the top 5 productivity tips

How The Homeworker blends key themes around business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.

and why James found another reason to hate fascists.

Episode 28 includes

02:30 James has the hump with fascists
03:30 Groundhog day - it's hard to hit the ground running in 2021
04:20 Ian misses flow
05:30 Less parental guilt this time
07:20 From Freelance journalist to celebrating the 2nd anniversary of the magazine
09:00 Louise back in UK with 2 children under 3
09:50 Blending business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.
10:15 I wish I could say I had this Eureka moment and this amazing foresight that we're all going to be doing it
12:10 Work and life are very integrated nowadays. And there's no real getting around that.
12:50 it's very easy to do a quick Google, you know, top five productivity tips working from home.
15:25 Branching out into a corporate subscription
16:30 There's working from home and then there's working from home during a global pandemic
17:30 Parenting and homeworking
22:00 Husband changing how he felt about home working
25:19 We actually turfed my daughter out of her room and made an office joining lockdown
26:30 Ergonomics advice - the best posture is the next posture

27:20 Tips

• Involving the children in the planning of home-school

• Leave the fairy lights up

• If you create an inviting and welcoming workspace you're going to do better work there

Photo Credit: Ray Hennessy via Unsplash @rayhennessy

Christmas Reflections 2020

Nearly at the end of the year... phew.

2021 is bound to be better eh?

I wrote about the feeling of crashing into a Covid Iceberg (which was a great opportunity to include a lot of Titanic references!)

For our family, it's not all been bad, we've stayed healthy and so have immediate and extended family, sometimes it's good to remember that basic measure of success.

Good things this year - family time (walks, movie nights & general time together)

Bad things - family time; in particular home school taking over my life and sucking time from the day, plus squabbling with my son about home school (my daughter is much easier!)

From a business perspective, it's been tough for paid coaching work but really rewarding in terms of helping people on free calls, making appearances in webinars and panel events and even chatting on national radio. https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/media

Lockdown Dads Podcast

In May, James Millar and I kicked off Lockdown Dads - the podcast we hoped would only be relevant for one season. Now we are booking guests for season 3 that will run until April. In the nicest possible way I sincerely hope that we can kill it off then!

The final episode (#27) is available to watch or listen here:

https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads

"A look back at 26 episodes of Lockdown Dads - the good, the bad and the ugly as we ponder the "annus horribilis" that was 2020. We talk guests and the tips that inspired us and the tips that shocked us, it's all here as we discuss what 2021 has instore for dads and their families and how as a show we can continue to bring you interesting and informative content onward into season 3 of a project we wanted to kill off. Too much lockdown...!"

Awesome People

Finally for this year I was very proud to see two friends recognised for their work

Rhian Mannings MBE received a Pride of Britain special recognition award from actor Michael Sheen for her charity work.

While Eb Mukhtar was recognised with an MBE for his role in organising PPE logistics for the NHS.

"The fact that no NHS hospital ever ran out of stock is largely due to improvements he made."

and onto now

Here in SE London we're in Tier 4; Christmas plans are cancelled and we wait again to see what the plans are for schooling. The eye opening stat is that in our immediate areas 1 in 100 of the population tested positive last week for Covd.

Not me though, I paid for a test so I could visit my Dad, safe in the knowledge that I wasn't going to infect him. Naturally, I got a negative result a few hours after discovering that Xmas was off and it was a waste of £120. Such is life.

Great news is that Caroline from his local pub The Ruishton Inn are going to deliver him a Christmas Dinner. Community is alive and well!

Looking ahead a bit to 2021

It's exciting to be bringing another set of awesome guests to the Lockdown Dads podcast in the spring, a couple of collaborations will be launched and I'll be rolling out "The Successful Dads Scorecard".

The scorecard will give dads the opportunity to answer some important questions and get simple actionable tips based on how they scored. I can't wait to share it with you!

If you want to be a beta tester? email me here info@inspiringdads.co.uk

Some final words

Sometimes all we can do is adapt and accept and keep going. As Rocky Balboa says in the film Creed "One step at a time. One punch at a time. One round at a time."

and keep talking

talk to your partner

talk to your kids

talk to your mates

because as Bob Hoskins once said "It's good to talk"

Merry Christmas

Ian, Lisa, Freya and Struan

Picture Credit: Volodymyr Hryshchenko via Unsplash @lunarts

It’s Time For Dads To Patch Up The Ship And Plot A Course To 2021

Click here to read the full article on the Thriving Parents Website

Full steam ahead into the new year.

Like the telegraph room on the SS Titanic, the warnings of severe trouble ahead were clear in hindsight. Far eastern countries with experience of SARS took the warnings seriously. Europe, it is fair to say, was less quick to grasp the enormity of the potential impact.

At my kid’s school there was worry about a dad who had just come back from a work trip to Singapore, who had he seen and when?!

Like the lookout perched high in the crow’s nest, the warning was shouted, alarm bells were rung. But sometimes you need to see the threat for yourself before you react.

Instead of being the destination for a family summer break, Northern Italy became a place we nervously looked to as an example of what might happen.

Alarm bells

Then came the frantic alarm bells of society realising the warnings were about to come true - we were moving too quickly, too many things had carried on as normal.

Realising that there was no way to avoid collision with the Covid-berg, people started making plans – getting essentials in, buying freezers and upgrading Wi-Fi, preparing to work remotely.

For my family, who started self-isolating after our son developed what was probably (!) just a cough, national lockdown started with collecting our children’s school stuff. Dozens of bags poignantly laid out in the March sunshine awaiting collection.

What International Men’s Day means to men

I didn’t always have a coaching business that focuses on helping stressed dads balance work and fatherhood. In fact, I started out balancing work, hockey and ad-hoc binge drinking….

There wasn’t that much work life balance to worry about. For the first 4/5 years of my working life there was no laptop, no email on my phone and no worries once I walked out the office.

And I definitely wasn’t thinking about International Men’s Day (IMD)

Learn what International Men’s Day means to Men in this article for WorkingDads.co.uk

Including:

• A lack of Awareness

• There’s a concern that celebrating would lead to backlash

• Recognition of the potential power for good

• But maybe “real men” don’t need a special day?

Read the full article here:

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/what-international-mens-day-means-men/

Picture Credit: Ayo Ogunseinde via Unsplash @armedshutter

Flexible working is 'Just as important to men'

Flexible Working is ‘just as important to men’

An article on the business part of the BBC website caught my eye…

"Senior jobs with flexible hours 'get 20% more female applicants"

First thought, awesome.

Second thought, I wonder if there’s anything about men? Because I know men want flexible working too.

Hidden away (a bit too much for my liking) was reference to men - “just as important for men”

Argggh, come on BBC I thought! This is a really important angle - the angle that would make a world of difference to gender equality to the workplace.

So I opened Linkedin and penned this 1300 character post that has got a lot of comments, interaction and views. Click here to join in the conversation.

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POLITE REQUEST

Please can we stop framing flexible working as a female "thing". The world and his dog knows that women have more caring responsibilities, but until we talk about it being a man thing too, we are doomed to pigeon hole genders into cages called caring and breadwinning.

These cages are traps - traps that keep women from achieving their potential in the workplace and men from being the active and involved fathers they don't remember growing up.

We need to release that canary.

BBC Business News article today "Senior jobs with flexible hours 'get 20% more female applicants"

My first thought, well yeah, obviously.

Knowing how hard men find it to ask for flex and part time work - society deem them not to "need" it, fear of being seen as "uncommitted", perceived optionality etc I wondered if there was anything about men.

Yes - the real story -'Just as important to men'

"The study... found many more men also applied for roles when they offered flexible working options, suggesting the issue was "just as important" for them."

This the truly groundbreaking stuff - pre covid!

Men want flexible working and enabling that desire is a key aspect of gender equality at home and at work.

#flexforall #inspiringdads #workingdads

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New title, same story?

The eagle eyed among you will have notice the article title is now different. I was also intrigued that the title of the piece changed twice… from

"Senior jobs with flexible hours 'get 20% more female applicants" to

“Flexible working helps with mum guilt' to

“It’s really hard to progress when working part-time”

Thankfully the BBC dropped the “mum guilt” angle quickly <facepalm>

A great story of increased female recruitment into Senior roles

Now despite my little rant, it’s worth noting that it’s a really good story about Zurich creatively increasing female recuitment into senior roles. As John Adams at DadBlogUk explains

“For Zurich to have increased female recruit in senior roles is brilliant. To have increased the number of women working flexibly in senior roles is better still. To have male and female senior managers working flexibly and encouraging other staff to do the same, that’s Zurich’s real success. I hope other employers will follow suit.”

I just wish the man angle had been explored in greater (any) depth.

and I’m not alone as the 100+ comments illustrate

“Totally agree and I thought the same thing when I read the article this morning. The policy is gender neutral so why can't our thinking be the same?”

“Such an important narrative. I also feel until men are encouraged to take flex working and shared parental leave, women will never truly be able to move forward from this feeling of asking for special treatment, feeling conflicted and that their careers may suffer if they move to flex etc. Flex for all is the only way to truly achieve a sense of equality.”

“Totally agree. From my experience coaching men in organisations, it’s much more difficult for them to ask for flexible working than it is for women. And understandably as they’re more likely to be judged as no longer engaged in their careers. Headlines like this do not help.”

Of course we aren’t JUST talking about flexible working for caring reasons. There are lots of reasons why people want flexible working patterns and all are important. I’m very keen on the idea of #Flexforall.

What did Zurich do?

In addition to using gender neutral language, each job advert between March 2019 and Feb 2020 stated the roles were available as:

“Part-time, flexible hours, job share.”

The outcome

• “Since changing its policy on job adverts, the number of women hired for top roles has risen by 33%”

• “20% more likely to apply for senior roles if they offer flexible hours.”

In conclusion, great story - but let’s also keep telling all the stories, in particular the one that shines a light on what men want and stops flexible working from being seen a female only desire. Because that doesn’t help anyone!

Click the button to join the conversation on LinkedIn

Photo Credit: Eric Ayon via Unsplash @ericayon10

Equality begins at home, but it also begins at school...

Imagine a situation when a primary school needs to contact a parent. A staff member opens the contact management system, searches for the child and is presented with two contact names (in order of priority)

1) the dad
2) the mum

The obvious thing to do is to phone the 1st contact.

Afterall they are listed first.

Too obvious it seems.

Today instead of calling the dad (aka me), the member of staff called the mum (aka my wife).

It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice and a choice that I've seen before and today, like the last time, I later asked for clarity as to why I wasn't called - was there some sort of error in the listing on my daughter's file?

Nope, no error.

I explained that it was important that the school called me first, there’s a reason I’m listed first!

Naturally, I got an apology, they got a gentle reminder about equality.

Turns out I’m not alone in experiencing this type of casual discrimination against dads…

“Yep, I had the school apologise for not having mum's phone number (there isn't one) and calling me.”

“We had the same experience with the Doctors last week. My husband had taken on getting repeat asthma meds for my daughter and the call back came to me despite him leaving his number.”

“Yes, that used to happen to me too. Hubby full time stay at home dad, me full time at work. And they always called me to be asked “have you called my husband?” Stereotypes so embedded.”

My husband took our son for his 8 week jabs as it was my birthday and I had gone for a spa day with a friend.... the nurse asked him where mum was as he walked in the door, then called me to gain consent to immunise our son 🙄 Yes - a complaint went in!

One thing is certain, gender equality is as much about Dads and fatherhood being taken seriously as it is about leaning in and well-paid maternity leave.

If you want someone to speak at your event and explain why supporting dads at work is a route to gender equality then drop me a message.

Picture Credit:Tim Mossholder via Unsplash @timmossholder

Helping working dads find purpose

Writing this week for Workingdads.co.uk I consider how understanding your purpose is a key part of creating direction in your life.

I share 3 key thoughts to remember

• Your purpose reflects your circumstances – it will change.

• ‘Career’ and ‘Life’ are not separate entities – they are intertwined

• Aligning your purpose with your partner and family is key.

But along the way I muse about what purpose looked like when I was a 22 year old graduate trainee (not a lot to be honest), how being close to my old student bar uni was either a great decision or an awful one and how fatherhood created new purpose.

Picture Credit: Ian Schneider via Unsplash @goian

Lockdown, from burn out to muddling through

Lockdown, From Burn out to Muddling through

I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown. It’s a tale of practical prep - aka buying better internet and a new freezer and what happens when your kids choose movie night film - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 anyone? thought not!

I discuss these topic areas:

• Practical steps to cope with lockdown

• Boundaries

• Then the wheels came off

• Keeping it simple

• Making lockdown work

It’s true, it all got too much at times…

“That Saturday and Sunday rota lasted about 4 weeks until I had a massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out. I was sat on the sofa at 6.15 in the morning unable to make any sense of what I should be doing. I reached for my underused but important fall back - the journal and wrote down how I felt and what I needed to do.”

But the future can be a brighter world:

“Embedding the benefits of more involved dads will take great effort in an uncertain economy, with childcare and school provision under threat. But if couples intentionally design their lives to ensure the domestic and working load is spread evenly, then society has a great chance to use lockdown as opportunity to create greater equality at home and in the workplace for years to come.”

Read the article here:

https://www.parentalchoice.co.uk/blogs/lockdown-from-burn-out-to-muddling-through/