
HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
Will dads continue to engage with flexible working post-Covid 19?
In this 2 parter for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
Will Dads Continue to engage with flexible working post-covid-19?
In this 2 parter written for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
I start with “why does “business” need dads to continue to be engaged in flexible working?”, considering the gender pay gap and mental health.
Then I get onto meaty topics such as
How do dads engage with flexible working?
What do men want?
What gets in the way of dads’ accessing flexible working?
What can we do to support dads’ access to flexible working?
5 key long-term steps to support flexible working for dads
You can Read the articles here:
Photo credit - Jonas Kakaroto @jkakaroto on Unsplash
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Men’s Flexible Working
Father’s Day shouldn’t just be about socks and real ale. It needs to be about men having the opportunity be active and hands on dads
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Of Men’s Flexible Working
As we get ready to mark Father’s Day, it worth reflecting on what dads really want.
We know a lie in would be good, socks even better and maybe a novelty selection of real ales. But in terms of the workplace, dads just want to have options. Options about how to organise their working lives, without being told that they can’t raise their children or that being a committed dad means you can’t be committed to work.
A New Generation of Dads
A whole new generation of men want to be much more actively involved in raising their children. They expect equality in the workplace and at home and they are frustrated when their needs and the needs of their families can’t be met.
In short they want to be great dads and have great careers.
GQ magazine found that the number 1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was “being a present father”.
Source: GQ Magazine
But it can be tough when this desire to be an active present father is dismissed or not taken seriously…
“Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.”
Source: Inspiring Dads Facebook Group
Dads are changing jobs to get what they want.
Not all men or families are the same.
Income and childcare priorities change and for many heterosexual couples the certainty of a man being fully committed to his career, while a female partner takes on the majority of the childcare can give great comfort and certainty.
However we do an enormous disservice to society, the workplace and individuals when we assume that men don’t want to be fully involved as parents. That attitude is no more valid or helpful than assuming that women only want to stay at home and look after children.
Choices!
We need to allow couples to make genuine choices - both for their own benefit and for benefits of building gender diverse workplaces.
When we cannot tell whether a man or a woman is more likely to take parental leave or seek flexible working, gender ceases to be an issue in hiring and promotion decisions.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
As a man access to flexible work can be difficult to achieve. It can be seen as a perk of seniority or as something that solves a female childcare ‘issue’.
72% feared their employer’s reaction if they asked for flexible working.
Source: Workingdads.co.uk
But when it works well the benefits to the man, the family and their partner are clear to see as the ‘Good’ story of Susha and Magnus and will show. The example of the ‘Bad’ show how a lack of flexibility for Dads will cost businesses their talent and the motivation and good will of their staff. Finally the ‘Ugly’ shines a light on the type of casual dismissive bias that one man faced trying to access part time work. It shows how an attitudes towards men’s flexible and part time working desires can directly and negatively effect women’s aspirations.
Things will change but this Father’s Day we need to think about the next generation of Father’s Day.
“The current crop of male, mid-fifties business leaders are completely out of touch in respect to the changes to the role of the father that have taken place in the two decades since they were young dads.”
Source: Evening Standard
The Good - Susha and Magnus
Susha Chandrasekhar is a Senior Lawyer at the Department for Business.
Her husband is Dr Magnus Ryner, Professor of International Political Economy and Head of the Department of European & International Studies at Kings College, London
Their son is called Axel.
Susha kindly shared their story…
Flexibility for dads helps mums
“I am a lawyer working part-time which is demanding since my responsibilities include EU issues. Fortunately, my husband’s (more than) full-time work can be carried out flexibly. He comes into and leaves the office at different times, works from home, and catches up on things in the evenings on the days he does the school pick-up. My husband is an academic which helps but professors have to teach, attend meetings, supervise students, undertake research etc. which require a physical presence in the office or a library. It’s still a juggling act.”
Here are the top 7 ways in which my husband’s flexible pattern improves my life.
1. Morning mayhem
My husband does the morning shift and the school run. That pressure is off me as soon as I wake up which is always a good start. I do the evening routine of bath-book-bed.
2. School pick-up
My husband does two school pick-ups a week so there are least two days on which:
· I do not have to rush home and can deal with last minute work emergencies;
· My husband helps our son with his reading and maths homework; and
· There is dinner on the table for me when I come through the front door.
The other 3 weekdays on which I do the pick-ups, my husband gets these benefits in return.
3. Dealing with illness
Ian’s note
This is sometimes forgotten - flexible working is about care giving in many different circumstances and sometime none - flexible working should be for all.
It is not the default position that I drop everything and deal with a sick child. We see whose schedule is the more flexible. Sometimes it’s his.
4. Caring for Grandparents
There comes a time when our own parents need care. I value the chance to do this.
5. Finances
As we do the childcare ourselves, we do not need to employ a nanny which is expensive.
6. Reliability
If my husband says he will do something, he has the flexibility to do it. I feel assured it will be done without having to check up on it.
7. Frazzle factor
I can deal with the organisation of raising a child e.g. costumes, presents, dental appointments without too much stress. I also enjoy time with my family and friends instead of fretting non-stop about everything that needs to be done.
“No system is perfect and ours breaks down once in a while when the adventures of life are thrown at it. But one thing makes us truly happy. When our son cries out when he has a nightmare or has fallen over, he doesn’t just call for “Mummy, Mummy”, he calls for “Mummy-Daddy, Mummy-Daddy.” To him, we’re equally present, equally important. To us, his opinion is the most important one.”
The Bad - Losing Talented Staff
James wanted flexible working after the birth of his baby
He worked long hours for a private jet firm, but wanted more flexibility after his baby was born. While the official office hours were 9am to 6pm, in reality everyone was in the office until 8.30pm.
"If you didn't do that it was frowned upon. I was struggling," he says. He had been at the firm for four years and was one of its top sellers, so he asked for flexible working and expecting a positive response.
"I tried to talk to them several times, but it was always a blanket 'no' because they said others would want to do it too."
In the end, he quit, and now the 28-year-old works for his father's firm Bloomsbury Estates where he says he's happy to work at home on weekends to catch up from when he leaves early in the week.
Source: BBC website
Greg was on paternity leave
Greg was on 2 weeks paternity leave when he was asked to attend a work event - he explained that he couldn’t and was told he should “consider his priorities.” He did, remembered how toxic and destructive the environment was and left the business.
Better to upset your staff than consider flexibility?
“I can't work from home. I asked. I wasn't allowed a lap top so I had to reduce my hours in order to accommodate child drop off and pick up. They weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. Hard to have a dead stop as a recruiter but when I have to leave I have to leave as I need to get the train.”
The Ugly - Trying to Get Part Time Work
‘Phil’ tried to get part time work in SW England so that he could support his partner’s work expansion plans by taking on more of the childcare responsibilities, including looking after a boy on the autism spectrum.
He struggled badly in the recruitment process and ended up having to take a full time role.
Overqualified and bored?
Farcical the amount of times I have heard "overqualified" or "you would be bored" or "your skills wouldnt be used" in spite of yelling into peoples faces that I only wanted part time and 2 days a week would not be boring.
Could it be because you are a man?
It definitely is. One of the interviews I had I actually was told that I would probably be embarrassed being shown the systems by a 20 year old girl. "Considering my experience"
Unconscious Bias
As a footnote, the role I secured is the 1st full time role I applied for. But that was secured through a friend in recruitment who could see off the bias before it was made...
What do we need to do
Let’s forget the socks and real ale gift sets this year…
✅ Encourage and support dads to talk about the pressures they face.
✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.
✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok for men in the workplace to spend time with their kids.
✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.
Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.
Why take Shared Parental Leave?
Shared Parental Leave has the potential to deliver superb benefits for Dads, Mums and Society. It’s time to get properly behind it.
Why take Shared Parental Leave?
Since 2015 it has been possible for parents of new born or adopted children to share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you.
This post will explain the benefits of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and why it has the potential to be a game changer as we move to equal parenting opportunities. Opportunities that will allow Dads to spend much more time with their children.
More and more Dads want to spend time with their young children, even at the cost of their own careers. The choices you make before your children are even born will set the scene for the rest of your life.
Shared Parental Leave gives choice to families. Dads and partners don’t have to miss out on their baby’s first step, word or giggle – they can share the childcare, and share the joy.
Challenges and Opportunities
Aviva
The Insurance company Aviva has a policy that offers equal parental leave to men and women working at Aviva - up to 12 months in the UK, including 26 weeks at full pay.
As with all decisions around having children, returning to work, deciding who will looks after your children and for how long. There can challenges, especially with finances.
Unless you have an employer with enhanced parental leave policy >>
It’s important to consider
What sort of Dad do you want to be?
How do you want to be remembered?
What kind of relationship do you want to build with your children?
The mentality around the early years won’t change until we all accept mums and dads equally equipped to look after their offspring.
A case study for your inspiration.
Shared Parental Leave - The Benefits
1. Improved relationships with your children.
Proof of the bonds with my son (!) - ‘You are a Poo-Poo Head Daddy’
As a new Dad, the time you spend building relationships with your young children is priceless. The potential is there to create brilliant early bonding experiences, they might not remember the details but those bonds will be there forever and you get to be the type of Dad you wanted to be.
I found, too, that it strengthened the bond between my son and me. He became less crazy-sleepysuit-of-madness and more of a little buddy. And when I came to be the one who was there when he was hungry or tired or had bonked his head, the more he understood I was a source of comfort, too. That effort has lasted into his toddler years and, I hope, long beyond that.
Adam Dewar - The Guardian
2. Practical and emotional support for each other.
The prevailing wisdom is that Maternity Leave is wonderful time for mothers to bond with their babies, but many women struggle with the emotional and practical challenges of looking after babies, especially if they have other children too.
Post Natal Depression is very common among women and likely to be under-reported in men. Sharing leave either together or separately could literally be a lifesaver.
The peak time for postnatal depression in men is three to six months after the birth . As with postnatal depression in mums, it often goes unreported. The symptoms can look a lot like the everyday stresses of having a newborn .
Source: NCT
My own experience of the first 6 months of our first baby’s life was of phoning my wife each lunchtime and fearing hearing how she had struggled that morning with our reflux suffering daughter.
Click here for more on benefits of SPL for Mums.
By sharing the parenting duties you’ll be sharing the mental load and improving gender equality at home.
3. earlier return to the workplace for your partner
It’s not necessarily going to be your priority as a couple, but SPL could be a powerful tool.
Rather than one parent taking 8 months of out work - with the associated practical and long term pay challenges this can lead to (aka the Motherhood Penalty). You both take 4 months.
Your partner can get back to the career she loves, knowing that the little one is in great hands. While you get the benefits of bonding with your kids.
The longer anyone is out of the workplace the harder it is to return. By sharing leave and care it allows women to return to the workplace earlier if they want by supporting a more seamless transition back to the workplace.
4. You’ll be happier
If you are one of the many many Dads who wants to more involved in the lives of his young family then being able to take that opportunity and not feel frustrated and left out is so important.
By normalising Dads looking after children, you’ll be a leader of men, with all the fame, fortune and kudos that brings. Plus you’ll get to discover Octonauts, one of the best kids TV ever produced.
5. Reduce the Gender Pay Gap
This is the big picture really.
✅ Doing what you want - looking after your young children.
✅ Your partner doesn’t have to spend so long away from the workplace.
✅ Female progression in the workplace becomes more likely as employers can’t assume that it is only women who take time off when couples have children. They will have to treat talent equally.
True equality is gained by having true equality of choice of parenting.
“Better gender balance makes business more successful. The McKinsey Global Institute (2015) estimated that a scenario in which women achieve complete gender parity with men could increase global output by more than one-quarter relative to a business-as-usual scenario.
Source: Axis Network.
Shared Parental Leave - Next Steps
If this looks like something you would like to do we have a few key steps:
Find out what your firm’s policy is.
Find out and talk to people in your business who have taken SPL.
Run the UK Government Calculator.
Talk to New Dads. Build a network and discuss your options.
Talk to your partner - be honest about what you want to do
Understand what you can afford to do.
Compare the financial investment v the benefits you’ve learnt.
SPL pays currently £145.18 per week or 90 per cent of average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. Where employers haven’t extended enhanced maternity schemes to SPL, it often doesn’t make financial sense for the father, who typically earns more, to take SPL.
Shared Parental Leave - The Facts
Below is a summary of the UK government rules - for full details click here.
*** There are some differences in the eligibility of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP). Please use the calculator or check the government guidance.
Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child.
Some assumptions
To keep this simple we are talking about SPL for Dads of newborns.
Overview
You can share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you. The mother is obliged to take two weeks’ leave, but following that, it would be up to the couple as to how they split the remaining 50 weeks – 37 with statutory pay of up to £145.18 a week.
You need to share the pay and leave in the first year after your child is born or placed with your family.
You can use SPL to take leave in blocks separated by periods of work or take it all in one go.
You can also choose to be off work together or to stagger the leave and pay.
Eligibility
To be eligible for Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and Statutory Shared Parental Pay (ShPP), both parents must:
Share responsibility for the child at birth.
Meet work and pay criteria - these are different depending on which parent wants to use the shared parental leave and pay
If both parents want to share the SPL and ShPP
You and your partner must:
Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time you got pregnant).
Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.
Be ‘employees’ (not ‘workers’).
Each earn on average at least £116 a week.
If, as the mother’s partner, you want to take the SPL and ShPP
The mother must:
Have been working for at least 26 weeks (they do not need to be in a row) during the 66 weeks before the week the baby’s due.
Have earned at least £390 in total across any 13 of the 66 weeks.
You must:
Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time the mother got pregnant).
Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.
Be an ‘employee’ (not a ‘worker’).
Earn on average at least £116 a week.
Confused yet?
Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child
When can you start?
You can only start Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP) once the child has been born or placed for adoption.
The mother (or the person getting adoption leave) must either:
Return to work, which ends any maternity or adoption leave
Give their employer ‘binding notice’ of the date when they plan to end their leave (you cannot normally change the date you give in binding notice)
You can start SPL while your partner is still on maternity or adoption leave as long as they’ve given binding notice to end it.
(You can give binding notice and say when you plan to take your SPL at the same time.)
How can you improve your Work Life Balance?
Spending time with your family is the cornerstone of the type of dad you want to be.
Spending time with your family is key to being the type of Dad you want to be.
You want to be there for the moments that matter, because you know you can't buy time with your kids.
Exactly how you achieve the right work life balance for you will depend on the choices and priorities that are important for you and your family.
It'll be different for everyone, but some flexible working is key to unlocking work life balance.
Achieving flexible working has the power to bring significant benefits for all of society, including your employer! It can allow your partner to return to work and help close the gender pay gap.
You want it and the benefits are clear.
So what gets in the way?
Fear of being seen as not 'committed'
“Twice the number of fathers compared to mothers believe flexible workers are viewed as less committed… (and) believe working flexibly will have a negative impact on their career”
Outdated assumptions about gender roles in the workplace and at home.
Mothercare, Mumsnet and Daddy Pig all reinforce the stereotype that Dads aren't equally as skilled at looking after their children.
Good news is
Things are changing...
Men want to be involved - The Modern Families Index 2017 found that, when asked whether they would assess their childcare needs before taking a new job or promotion, 76 per cent of younger fathers said they would. =>Here
There is general demographic shift towards having children later in life. Senior managers are more likely than their predecessors to be parents of young children, increasing the likelihood that they will promote and encourage flexible working.
Not as fast as it should...
"Workplace policies have not kept up with the social changes in people's everyday lives," according to committee chair Maria Miller, who describes "outdated assumptions" about men's and women's roles in relation to work and childcare" as a further barrier to change.
Source: House of Commons Women and Equalities Committee - Fathers and the workplace
Your action plan
Understand what type of flexible working you want
Understand the benefits for all parties.
Put together a business case
By harnessing the energy and desire of a new generation of dads, we can design a new way of living and working and unlock profound benefits for everyone.
Need some help?
Bit of a kickstart?
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.