Sharing the Load - Gender balance at home

Sharing the load - Gender Balance at home (Guest Podcast)

Gender balance is not just a workplace issue

“A common thread of lock down discussions has been women absorbing a higher proportion of childcare and home-schooling responsibilities than their partners. This has led to increased levels of burnout, stress, anxiety and the ubiquitous COVID19 brain, which has been covered in acres of media coverage.

Gender balance is not just a workplace issue it’s a relationship and domestic issue and both men and women are trapped by limiting gender stereotypes and expectations.”

I joined Dorothy Dalton the CEO of 3 Plus International to discuss how gender equality at work is tied to equality at home. Drawing upon my own experience as stay at home dad and a coach we covered a wide range of topics including

• perfectionism - it's OK to make mistakes and learn from them

• letting go the need for control - nothing bad will happen

• applying workplace project management principles to the home, identifying tasks, creating job descriptions and schedules

• maintaining intimacy and constructive communication

• overcoming boundary issues

• men being a permanent part of the solution rather than being allowed to opt in (helping)  or usually opting out

• creating goals and vision as a couple or even a family

Click Below to find out more

http://3plusinternational.com/2020/08/sharing-the-load-and-keeping-the-peace/

How to... Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

How to… Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

Stressed dads need support to face the realities of managing work and fatherhood commitments. 

Just because this is my coaching niche it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sorted, far from it. I’m struggling with when to work, how to schedule things, expectation management - especially my own expectations about what is possible. 

More than ever, being present in the moment is important, setting aside time with the kids and time to work. Focusing as much as possible on one thing at a time.

If you’re new to the working from home thing I'd definitely suggest wisely using the time you would have spent commuting. 

** My top tip is making sure domestic responsibilities are shared fairly.

Making sure you have open lines of communication with your partner and that everyone's needs are met is one really important way to survive the practical and emotional challenges that prolonged periods of time at home are bringing.

It's not going to be easy, but the harsh truth is that if you always defined your worth by the income you provided you might need to redefine your role in a much broader way. 

With kids at home, we men can't just shut the door and retreat into our work bubble.

It's literally all hands on deck. For men, the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required for a household to function might come as a shock, especially if you tend to leave that stuff to your partner. It's called mental load and you're going to get a much better sense of it in the next few months.

It's time to step up, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.

Of course you could ignore this challenge and become a viral sensation on Mumsnet...

"I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to do when both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum."

In case the prospect of reading Mumsnet scares you, here's some responses

"Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this."

"He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!" 

"Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up."

"I've had pretty much the same from DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the Xbox." 

And the kicker...

"He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him."

Now more than ever, life is tough

The challenge of balancing work and fatherhood has been cranked up to 11. Some relationships definitely won't survive.

James Millar, writing in Workingdads.co.uk talks about how it is up to us men

“To be the best partners, parents, educators and… employers and employees we can be.”

Embrace the new normal and accept that “Good enough is good enough”

If your marriage is going to make it, you might need to be doing something different. Improving your communication and sharing domestic physical and emotional labour will help you.

Need some help to get it right and talk through the problem you have?

Family Communications

Our family is ‘unusual’

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

I’m the lead on the full range of parenting activity. I do the school runs (both ends of the day), I do the shopping, the online shopping, the cooking, the after-school activities, the buying of birthday cards and presents. I’m in the school year group WhatsApp group. I make sure we don’t leave all the homework to Sunday afternoon.

Lead parent, but not only parent

Note though that I said I’m the lead. Not to the only one. We’re active joint parents. She’s in the WhatsApp group too. She accesses the homework page, so she knows what needs to be done. She gets the school email too, the swim class email. We decided back in 2009 that I would be the one who would always ‘be there’.  But that decision didn’t abdicate my wife of responsibility.

Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

In my line of work – coaching working Dads, I talk a lot about communication. Both in terms of men communicating with themselves – being honest about what sort of life they actually want to live and then communicating effectively with their partners, together designing a life that works for the whole family.

My clients are usually men who are feeling torn between being a great dad AND having a great career. In many ways they are facing the challenges that women have become used to – How to “have it all.”

Coping by improving communication

The difference is that as a rule, men aren’t so good at communicating to themselves, let alone to others how they really feel about their circumstances. Plenty of men will tackle their challenges by being brave, stoic and ‘the rock’ - exhibiting traits associated with and admired in men.

It isn’t surprising that mental health issues can arise when new fathers face the twin pressures of being a breadwinner and wanting to be actively involved in young children’s lives but feel unable to express that pressure to anyone. Bottling up their emotions and delaying tackling difficult issues.

Honest with yourself

My coaching process begins with being honest with themselves. When I work with men in a coaching and mentoring capacity we start with a “Wheel of Life” before moving onto a thorough understanding of

·         Who they want to Be,

·         What they want to Do and

·         What they want to Have.

Understanding these priorities gives them the start point to have honest conversations with their partners. When we listen to what men and especially working dads actually want, we find flexible working and family friendly work patterns are really important.

“Our study found that nearly two thirds (63%) of dads have requested a change in working pattern since becoming a father.”

https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/

What is mental load, why does it matter?

Men who work flexibly report a far greater understanding of the pressures and challenges that women have more typically faced –  the “mental load”. Mental Load is the activity of organising family life. Even in families where both couples work the load falls disproportionately onto women. The NY Times this a piece called  “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” and pointed out that it would be “another 75 years before men do half the work.”

Mental load matters because it takes time and energy and acts as a barrier to female participation in the workplace. But when Men understand it and experience it first-hand it makes a real difference to rebalancing family life.

Empathy by men for the scale of the unpaid caring role that women in ‘traditional’ relationships typically take on makes a huge difference in a society that considers Prince Harry to be a great dad because he changes nappies. The bar is set painfully low.

But it can be changed.

Family Communications

In the same way that I urge men to open up about the type of caring roles they want to take on, it’s equally important for their partners to tackle the inequalities that can easily build up in family life.

My top tips for effective family communications

1.       Create a safe space for working parents to talk though pressures.

Open and honest communication and for men in particular - make it ok to express the desire to be a caring parent and have a great career. Letting go of the guilt. Creating or reaffirming family objectives.

2.       Actively educate and share the mental load.

Learn more – real examples here:

If you are the keeper of the mental load, share your needs.

Make sure your partner is in the WhatsApp group, on the email list, takes on and owns part of the load. Because if you aren’t talking about the support you need it will cost you

3.       Get organised – use a shared calendar and a to do list.

We use Google calendar and Microsoft To Do

Conclusion

Communication in families is not just about who takes out the bins. It needs to be a more profound interaction about the needs of both parties, so that support for work life balance and help in the home can be both expressed and supported.

As the French novelist Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote  

“love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

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Supporting Women - Mental Load, Mental Health and Respect.

On International Women’s Day it’s worth reflecting why your work life balance is so important - but you have to understand how you can use it to support your partner.

A new generation of dads want much more involvement in their children’s lives and they don't just want to be ‘weekend parents’.

They expect equality at home and at work.

⭐ They want to be there for the moments that matter.

⭐ They want to spend more time with their families even if means sacrificing promotion and financial rewards.

BUT it’s never just about dads.

Yes, it’s true, my business is built around supporting dads,

Improving work life balance for dads is never just about helping blokes to spend more time with their children, it’s about relationships and gender equality and how work life balance for dads can unlock benefits for the whole family.

So on International Women’s Day, I’ve selected 3 blog posts that reflect a number of themes that I believe are vital for men to understand if they are genuinely serious about supporting their partners in meaningful ways.

1) “Mental Load”, what it is and why it occurs.

2) The mental health cost of maternity leave.

3) Respecting your partner’s career

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

PS

To save you googling, International Man’s Day is 19th November

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Mental Load - what does your partner say behind your back?

66 per cent of the GQ State Of Man survey respondents chose "being a present father" as the number one aspect of modern masculinity. 
Source - GQ Magazine 

But modern masculinity goes way beyond that.

Some of you will get it, for the rest of you this might be informative...

✅ Real men not only want to spend more time with their families, they understand and help with the mental load.

Its not just about your quality time with your children - life is a partnership and your presence has to be more than getting home on time and making great memories at the weekend. 

Your role doesn't begin and end with money in the bank and feeling good about yourself because your kids love you and you get to work from home once a week. 

It has to be about taking on the "burden" of life.

It's about pulling your weight, not waiting to be asked, about managing at home as well as at work.

*** In fact research from Germany found that when Men worked from home they actually worked longer and did less childcare than if they were 'at work' that day, by contrast women did more childcare than they otherwise would. *** 

<<< This is what “Mental Load” looks like and generally men aren’t very good at understanding it and then doing something about it.

Source: The Guardian

If you're wondering what your wife says behind your back this may be an eyeopener...

"I’m putting the kids to bed when my daughter says, what’s for tea? 🤔. It’s 8.15 and I feel raging tbh. I was out from 4-7 but I did just assume tea would be taken care of. Am I wrong?"

"I think it's time you had a chat about this situation. Ffs we do not live in the 18th century! Seriously if you have to go out to work, then the balance within the home needs to be altered too. Atm my oh is ironing whilst I am doing other jobs. If he did not help out with the kids/ housework etc I would just down tools."

Some partners think we're stupid.

"If I’m out for dinner I leave either something pre-cooked or easy to make (frozen that just needs sticking in the oven) & give him very clear instructions on what to do, but to be honest I try to feed them before I go out... otherwise I know he’ll just resort to takeaway."

This is what they want us to do...

"Men need to start taking on board the fact that women are not born with any special skills and that not only can men organise the home/kids/social life/etc, they should just do it without waiting to be asked. They shouldn't expect those tasks to be delegated to them by women. And whilst there are men who do this, they are few and far between"

Work Life Balance

As a Working Dad, getting your work life balance right is really important but there's bigger purpose here - it's about the fundamentals of your life in partnership as a couple.

If you are just focused on your personal work life balance you are really missing a trick when it comes to your overall family and relationship happiness.

I don’t believe men are inherently selfish. Many of us were raised in households where mum did most, if not all, of the domestic chores and there’s plenty of research to show that men - and women - tend to repeat the example they were brought up with. But that also means it’s on us to set an example for our kids and muck in with the menial jobs.

Evidence also shows that the couple that puts out the bins together stays together. So it’s worth having a serious conversation with your partner about housework. It might not sound like the most convincing pillow talk but it will help you have a more mature and stronger bond.

One client, let’s call him Toby, told me…

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

The modern dads mantra might be ‘don’t split up, split the chores’.

Engage with the mental load properly and your partner will be saying nice things about you to her friends behind your back.