
HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
The Revolution? Hybrid Working And The Productivity Challenge.
In 2019, former Naval Officer, James Edmondson, wrote a piece for The Homeworker magazine about working from home called Joining The Revolution. I went back to speak to him in 2021.
The Revolution? Hybrid working and the Productivity Challenge.
In 2019, former naval officer, James Edmondson, wrote a piece for The Homeworker magazine, a publication dedicated to “helping you thrive and achieve a happier, healthier, more productive lifestyle when you work from home.”
It was called:
“Joining the Revolution”
It was a frank piece about his worry and stress about how "working from home” was perceived and his own personal bias from a 20 year career in the Royal Navy:
“The concept of working from home was alien to me; in my mind it was something writers or artists might do”
The anxiety about what other people might think is beautifully illustrated by the sense of over compensating
“To over compensate for this and the overall feeling that I was ‘working from home’, I started sending people in the office pointless emails and Lync messages.
In my mind, the conversations would go like this: “Where’s James?” “Oh, he’s working from home today, but I saw that he’d logged on at 8 am and I’ve already seen a bunch of emails from him.” “Great, so he’s actually working.” “
A sense of relief to have survived “Working. From. Home”
“The feeling of utter relief when the clock struck 5 was palpable; I had made it through the day without anyone phoning up asking me where I was or why I wasn’t at my desk. It was relief that I hadn’t been accused of: “Working. From. Home”.”
Anxiety, productivity and foresight
“I hadn’t enjoyed the experience one bit, and in fact the chronic low-level anxiety that resided inside of me throughout the day was awful. Yet, I had been incredibly productive, completing some important work, work that had I had been in my office would probably have taken me three or four days to do.
Having the option to work from home in a flexible manner that allows a workforce to fit work around their busy lives is a game-changer and something I believe the working world must embrace as widely as possible.”
You can access the full interview here in issue 5, “2020 Vision” https://www.thehomeworker.com/back-issues
James reflects on home working in a pandemic
Now in early 2021, I went back to James and asked him how things had changed.
Not ideal
“Since writing my article for The Homeworker at the end of 2019, Covid-19 and the move to a larger house has shifted my perspectives again on working from home. The pandemic forced many of us to work from home almost overnight. The anxiety that I used to feel about working from home now seems absurd. Working from home now feels completely normal, though, in its current format, not ideal.
The Positives
For me the positives about working from home remain unchanged from my original article. The lack of commute, more family time, more time to spend focused on deep work and lots of money saved on not buying coffee are brilliant aspects to this way of working. The only big difference for me is around productivity.
Challenges around productivity and interaction
I am very conscious of those missed spontaneous and chance interactions that I would have in the office. Those touch points generated so many ideas, fostered collaboration and ultimately drove my productivity. Forced to work almost exclusively from home I get too much time to myself. Zoom calls are not the same, they are not chance encounters or spontaneous. It is this that I believe is the hidden cost around productivity.
Mental health issues
Culturally, my organisation is beginning to observe worrying second and third order affects of the changed way of working. Many of my colleagues are struggling through lack of contact and support that the office environment fostered. Whilst out in the field, we are seeing people taking time off work through mental health issues. They often cite the lack of contact from managers as the principal cause of their problem.
Optimism for a hybrid future
I am, however, optimistic for the future. For those of us who can work either from home or the office I expect our working practices to adopt a hybrid model. I can see me rarely having 5 days in office in a row. Instead, I expect I will work 2 days in the office, 2 days at home and 1 day out and about visiting / talking to people. From a work perspective that would be an excellent outcome to this dreadful crisis.”
What can we learn from James’ experience?
Covid-19 has been tough on parents, with the burden of domestic and childcare responsibilities falling more heavily on mums but with research from the Office for National Statistics finding that the number of hours men were spending on childcare increased by an average of 58% during the first lockdown. While Daddilife found a post-lockdown desire to be more heavily involved at home with more quality family time (32%) first, followed by more flexible (25%) and remote (19%) working.
One of the obvious upsides to the pandemic has been a cultural shift around perceptions about men who work flexibly and remotely. Not only the perceptions and understanding of those who do it, but also men’s own perception and sense of job risk for not being anything other than fully committed to work.
Without doubt, pandemic work patterns have not been ideal, but the benefits that men like James have experienced, point to a brighter future with more choice as to how and where to work and less stigma attached to men who seek to create better balance for themselves and their families and to be the active and involved fathers they may not remember growing up.
de-gendering and de-stigmatising
Finally some important words from Molly Johnson-Jones, at Flexa Careers interviewed in The Homeworker Blog
The past year has also shifted attitudes towards flexible working. With more men experiencing flexible working, the term has become “less gendered” according to . “Men now want flexible working almost as much as women (68% vs 74%) and are just as likely to ask for it as women (55% would ask for flexible working).
“In addition, some of the stigma around flexible working has started to shift. It’s no longer seen as ‘shirking from home’, or at least not by the majority of the population. By simultaneously de-gendering and de-stigmatising the term ‘flexible work’ we remove the negative connotations of women in the workplace – that we are less committed or productive because of our circumstances.”
“Men now want flexible working almost as much as women”
New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season
Lockdown is hardly something to celebrate, but the Lockdown Dads show is still by your side
New Year, New Lockdown, New Podcast Season
Photo Credit: Gabriel Tovar via Unsplash
How's it going?
New Year, New Lockdown... a joyous time.
Now I don't know whether it's because my son is nearly a year older than he was in home-school remote learning version 1.... but he's much more engaged with learning and embracing his Daddy's teaching "authority". This is a good thing, less shouting and arguing all round, generally a happy house.
It could have been something to do with my tip on this week's Lockdown Dad's podcast - get your children to help design the plan for the day / week, I think it does wonders for their sense of control in these difficult times.
or maybe I'm being more present, devoting both my mind and my focus to home schooling and then working in between?
Not everyone has this luxury but normally work can wait and multi tasking is doomed to fail anyway.
Whatever the cause it's a small win in a world of blank calendars and drizzle...
The podcast that won’t go away
Get a one minute seek preview here
Yes! the podcast is back. We joke that we'd love to kill it off, but bringing out great guests and hopefully adding insight and value to our audience's lives is still massively important, now as much as ever I reckon.
So it's season 3 and episode 28, this time James and I are joined by Louise Goss, founder and editor of The Homeworker Magazine.
One time self employed journalist based in Australia, we discover how interviewing and profiling home working entrepreneurs for a tech start up was the start of the idea that became The Homeworker magazine.
Louise draws upon her husband's experiences as we reflect on how attitudes towards home working have changed from both an individual and business perspective.
Plus...
Why her magazine is much more useful than googling the top 5 productivity tips
How The Homeworker blends key themes around business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.
and why James found another reason to hate fascists.
Episode 28 includes
02:30 James has the hump with fascists
03:30 Groundhog day - it's hard to hit the ground running in 2021
04:20 Ian misses flow
05:30 Less parental guilt this time
07:20 From Freelance journalist to celebrating the 2nd anniversary of the magazine
09:00 Louise back in UK with 2 children under 3
09:50 Blending business, productivity, mindset, well-being and your work environment.
10:15 I wish I could say I had this Eureka moment and this amazing foresight that we're all going to be doing it
12:10 Work and life are very integrated nowadays. And there's no real getting around that.
12:50 it's very easy to do a quick Google, you know, top five productivity tips working from home.
15:25 Branching out into a corporate subscription
16:30 There's working from home and then there's working from home during a global pandemic
17:30 Parenting and homeworking
22:00 Husband changing how he felt about home working
25:19 We actually turfed my daughter out of her room and made an office joining lockdown
26:30 Ergonomics advice - the best posture is the next posture
27:20 Tips
Involving the children in the planning of home-school
Leave the fairy lights up
If you create an inviting and welcoming workspace you're going to do better work there
Photo Credit: Ray Hennessy via Unsplash @rayhennessy
Family Communications
Shared parenting, shared goals and open communication
Our family is ‘unusual’
This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe
I’m the lead on the full range of parenting activity. I do the school runs (both ends of the day), I do the shopping, the online shopping, the cooking, the after-school activities, the buying of birthday cards and presents. I’m in the school year group WhatsApp group. I make sure we don’t leave all the homework to Sunday afternoon.
Lead parent, but not only parent
Note though that I said I’m the lead. Not to the only one. We’re active joint parents. She’s in the WhatsApp group too. She accesses the homework page, so she knows what needs to be done. She gets the school email too, the swim class email. We decided back in 2009 that I would be the one who would always ‘be there’. But that decision didn’t abdicate my wife of responsibility.
Tell me what you want, what you really really want.
In my line of work – coaching working Dads, I talk a lot about communication. Both in terms of men communicating with themselves – being honest about what sort of life they actually want to live and then communicating effectively with their partners, together designing a life that works for the whole family.
My clients are usually men who are feeling torn between being a great dad AND having a great career. In many ways they are facing the challenges that women have become used to – How to “have it all.”
Coping by improving communication
The difference is that as a rule, men aren’t so good at communicating to themselves, let alone to others how they really feel about their circumstances. Plenty of men will tackle their challenges by being brave, stoic and ‘the rock’ - exhibiting traits associated with and admired in men.
It isn’t surprising that mental health issues can arise when new fathers face the twin pressures of being a breadwinner and wanting to be actively involved in young children’s lives but feel unable to express that pressure to anyone. Bottling up their emotions and delaying tackling difficult issues.
Honest with yourself
My coaching process begins with being honest with themselves. When I work with men in a coaching and mentoring capacity we start with a “Wheel of Life” before moving onto a thorough understanding of
· Who they want to Be,
· What they want to Do and
· What they want to Have.
Understanding these priorities gives them the start point to have honest conversations with their partners. When we listen to what men and especially working dads actually want, we find flexible working and family friendly work patterns are really important.
“Our study found that nearly two thirds (63%) of dads have requested a change in working pattern since becoming a father.”
https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/
What is mental load, why does it matter?
Men who work flexibly report a far greater understanding of the pressures and challenges that women have more typically faced – the “mental load”. Mental Load is the activity of organising family life. Even in families where both couples work the load falls disproportionately onto women. The NY Times this a piece called “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” and pointed out that it would be “another 75 years before men do half the work.”
Mental load matters because it takes time and energy and acts as a barrier to female participation in the workplace. But when Men understand it and experience it first-hand it makes a real difference to rebalancing family life.
Empathy by men for the scale of the unpaid caring role that women in ‘traditional’ relationships typically take on makes a huge difference in a society that considers Prince Harry to be a great dad because he changes nappies. The bar is set painfully low.
But it can be changed.
Family Communications
In the same way that I urge men to open up about the type of caring roles they want to take on, it’s equally important for their partners to tackle the inequalities that can easily build up in family life.
My top tips for effective family communications
1. Create a safe space for working parents to talk though pressures.
Open and honest communication and for men in particular - make it ok to express the desire to be a caring parent and have a great career. Letting go of the guilt. Creating or reaffirming family objectives.
2. Actively educate and share the mental load.
Learn more – real examples here:
If you are the keeper of the mental load, share your needs.
Make sure your partner is in the WhatsApp group, on the email list, takes on and owns part of the load. Because if you aren’t talking about the support you need it will cost you
3. Get organised – use a shared calendar and a to do list.
We use Google calendar and Microsoft To Do
Conclusion
Communication in families is not just about who takes out the bins. It needs to be a more profound interaction about the needs of both parties, so that support for work life balance and help in the home can be both expressed and supported.
As the French novelist Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote
“love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.