Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters

Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters.

Brian Ballantyne, Co-Founder of Men for Inclusion, author of “Confessions of a Working Dad” and one time Babycenter moderator joins James and Ian in Episode 37 of Lockdown Dads.

It’s an open and honest discussion in which we discuss what it means to be good ally, how Brian’s own family were a prompt to volunteer in diversity and inclusion voluntary work and why men must be involved if we aren’t just creating inclusion echo chambers.

Plus “Centrist Dads”, burnout and recharging batteries and how to argue well.

Contents

01:00 A tough week for Brian - lessons in boundaries, batteries and burnout

04:30 Balancing family and personal priorities

06:00 Ian has been shooting video content +

07:00 Social media and men’s attitudes to women’s personal safety

08:00 Ian forgets about James

09:30 James reflects on a bad week for gender equality

11:30 Being a Babycenter moderator

12:45 Dad culture - the time when Brian’s CEO stalked him on Foursquare

14:30 Family influence on diversity and inclusion work.

15:10 Women in Technology echo chambers

17:00 How Male Allies for Gender Equality became Men for Inclusion

19:45 We discuss what allyship means

Tips

23:10

James has been reading Conflicted: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together

Q. What is a Centrist Dad”

Ian recommends previous guest, Rachel Vecht’s quick video on how to extract information from your school age children!

Brian talks about cherishing the small moments

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Connect with Brian

https://www.linkedin.com/company/menforinclusion/

https://www.e2w.co/men-for-inclusion

https://www.linkedin.com/in/brian-ballantyne-336754/

Photo Credit @hannahbusing via Unsplash

new Dads are new parents too

New dads are new parents too

Nicki Seignot, Author of 'Mentoring New Parents at Work' and founder of The Parent Mentor talks to James and Ian in episode 36 of Lockdown Dads.

We discuss why supporting new dads matters, the role single dad Phil played to broadening Nicki’s horizons, beyond just supporting the maternity journey and what the post pandemic work landscape could look like.

Plus the usual podcast musings about schools going back, sunshine (!) and looking forward to better future.

Contents

00:50 The power of daylight in the mornings

02:15 Schools going back

02:45 Competitive world book day

04:00 Ian is looking forward to not apologising…

05:30 Christmas presents (!) and Covid

07:10 Nicki’s path-

• Taking maternity leave in the late 1990s.

• Hard choices and work just not working for mums

• Mum2Mum mentoring programme at Asda

• The important role of single dad, Phil

• That 2011 program became The Parent Mentor business

• Her book - Mentoring New Parents at Work and a realisation that dads weren’t part of the conversation.

“I mean, it sounds obvious talking to you too now, but you know, it was quite revelation at the time.”

13:45 A pivotal moment using a mountain top image as part of icebreaker cards

“He held the card up and he says this was me. And I used to go mountain climbing, cycling, you know, the world was my oyster and I don't know where he is anymore.”

And he literally broke down in the session, and I said to my client afterwards, I said, if you are in any doubt about the power of what you're doing, it's in the room right now. We have to talk to dads too.

14:30 The danger of grouping parents as a single homogeneous group

15:30 The Dad Connect programme

16:15 Mentoring v Coaching

18:50 We talk about reverse mentoring

21:45 “Good enough is good enough”

23:30 Work Life Balance

“It took me to have children to respect my work-life balance and to want work flexibly. Why do we give away all that discretionary time? And why does that have to be a parenting thing to want to work flexibly?

So I think in a way the pandemic has given everyone the gift of being able to say, I have a right to a life away from work”

24:00 Hybrid working and the role of line managers

25:50 Incoming culture clash - “working from home is an aberration” ?

26:30 Will there be a generational split about office working?

28:30 The mechanics of hybrid working models

Tips

James’ choose to challenge on parenting norms

Nicki talks about checking in on a new dad back from paternity leave

Ian has been reading Why we sleep? by Matthew Walker

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Connect with Nicki

www.theparentmentor.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/in/nicki-seignot-647b981/

Photo Credit @kellysikkema via Unsplash

Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men

In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.

We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.

We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.

Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.

Contents

01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent

03:00 Ian and the “done” list

04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.

07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”

08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.

09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”

09:45

“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”

11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.

12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…

13:30

Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.

15:30

“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”

He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…

He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.

17:30 Taking massive and immediate action

18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity

19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.

21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.

24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.

26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand

Tips (27:00)

Bird watching for the soul

A selection of stoic maxims.

• Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.

• Nothing to excess.

• Surety brings ruin.

Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld

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More from Dan

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-stanley-bettermen-coaching/

https://better-men.uk/

@wildlittlethingsphoto

swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

swapped a house for an apartment in lockdown...

Living 50m from Central Park in Upper West side Manhattan sounds incredibly glamorous but not if you've swapped a house for a pandemic apartment in lockdown....

Steve Myall, former deputy features editor of the Daily Mirror and co-host of the highly successful First Time Dads podcast joins James Millar and I as the circle of podcasting is complete.

True story - I first heard James on Steve's podcast, went and bought his book, Dads Don't Babysit, found him on Twitter, and tweeted about how much I liked the content.

We talk shared parental leave, finding space in a big city and why diplomatic status is this year's must have accessory for the Real Brit Dads of New York. Steve talks about what it is like on the ground in New York - elections, parenting and being that elusive species - the hands on stay at home dad.

Watch or listen to any of our episodes here: https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/lockdown-dads

Contents

01:30 switching a house for an apartment, not realising that we would be in it 24 hours a day.

02:30 Home school and Boris the Cat

05:00 God alone knows what we're going to do at the weekend.

06:00 We had a friend who took some shared parental leave, he was in his shorts, had grown a beard. He was relaxed. He was chilled. And the relationship with his second child looked fantastic.

07:30 Condensed hours and changing how you look at work.

08:00 Moving to New York.

09:30 The First Time Dads Podcast - because we felt that dad's weren't really talking about the emotional stuff.

I still get emails, I still get messages on Twitter, people coming to it, for the first time. I mean, we suffered a little bit because of the sound quality at the beginning, but you know, it was really well received. We were nominated for best podcast in the podcast awards. We had lots of people coming to us wanting to be on it because it had this particular reach to dads and we had no difficulties getting guests at all because it was something new.

13:30 There was talk of a virus in China and then suddenly New York's in this epicenter.

14:30 If you're on the seventh floor of an apartment you can't take them to playgrounds or shop.

16:45 We are fortunate, because my wife works for the UN, we've got a diplomatic status here so that we were able to come back to the UK.

Which a lot of the people that I've met, over here, British, haven't been able to do so. I'm on a WhatsApp group, which is called the “Real Brit Dads of New York”… their visas don't allow them to go backwards and forwards. So they had like 18 months, some of them, without seeing grandparents.

17:45 New York parks v Crystal Palace Park aka "have you got a big dinosaur with its face fallen off?"

19:35 Federal law allows you to have 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave as a dad.

22:00 Not only would it be unusual for me to see a dad taking their kids to this stuff, it would be unusual for me to see a parent because they're all nannies.

And, you know, if I talked to the guys that work on the door here, you know, they don't live in upper west side. If you live in New Jersey, it's a different thing. Or maybe Queens and the Bronx, it's, it's a slightly more community way of parenting, but certainly where we are, it feels like the kids are being looked after rather than being parented.

23:00 It's changed a lot since lockdown - you see a lot more dads doing drop-off and pick up because obviously they're working from home.

26:10 And then the adults all have a shrink, right?

28:00 We drove back into New York as the election result came over the radio and people were out in the street, opening bottles of champagne, cheering on the street corners.

29:00 If you go in Central Park, without wearing a mask outside, you will be shouted at.

30:00 Tips: Watch Soul, eat chocolate oranges and get in touch with mindfulness and the craft box.

Photo Credit: @joshcouchdesign via Unsplash

It’s Time For Dads To Patch Up The Ship And Plot A Course To 2021

Click here to read the full article on the Thriving Parents Website

Full steam ahead into the new year.

Like the telegraph room on the SS Titanic, the warnings of severe trouble ahead were clear in hindsight. Far eastern countries with experience of SARS took the warnings seriously. Europe, it is fair to say, was less quick to grasp the enormity of the potential impact.

At my kid’s school there was worry about a dad who had just come back from a work trip to Singapore, who had he seen and when?!

Like the lookout perched high in the crow’s nest, the warning was shouted, alarm bells were rung. But sometimes you need to see the threat for yourself before you react.

Instead of being the destination for a family summer break, Northern Italy became a place we nervously looked to as an example of what might happen.

Alarm bells

Then came the frantic alarm bells of society realising the warnings were about to come true - we were moving too quickly, too many things had carried on as normal.

Realising that there was no way to avoid collision with the Covid-berg, people started making plans – getting essentials in, buying freezers and upgrading Wi-Fi, preparing to work remotely.

For my family, who started self-isolating after our son developed what was probably (!) just a cough, national lockdown started with collecting our children’s school stuff. Dozens of bags poignantly laid out in the March sunshine awaiting collection.

Lockdown, from burn out to muddling through

Lockdown, From Burn out to Muddling through

I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown. It’s a tale of practical prep - aka buying better internet and a new freezer and what happens when your kids choose movie night film - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 anyone? thought not!

I discuss these topic areas:

• Practical steps to cope with lockdown

• Boundaries

• Then the wheels came off

• Keeping it simple

• Making lockdown work

It’s true, it all got too much at times…

“That Saturday and Sunday rota lasted about 4 weeks until I had a massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out. I was sat on the sofa at 6.15 in the morning unable to make any sense of what I should be doing. I reached for my underused but important fall back - the journal and wrote down how I felt and what I needed to do.”

But the future can be a brighter world:

“Embedding the benefits of more involved dads will take great effort in an uncertain economy, with childcare and school provision under threat. But if couples intentionally design their lives to ensure the domestic and working load is spread evenly, then society has a great chance to use lockdown as opportunity to create greater equality at home and in the workplace for years to come.”

Read the article here:

https://www.parentalchoice.co.uk/blogs/lockdown-from-burn-out-to-muddling-through/

3 Ways New Dads Can Make Life Less Stressful

3 Ways New Dads Can make life less stressful

In this first post for Thriving Parents I reflect back on my experience as new dad and make three key recommendations to help new dads reduce their stress.

“It can be a really brutal learning curve, especially first-time round. In fact, I think it’s worse than most people believe it’ll be. In hindsight we Dads are painfully ill equipped to deal with the emotional and practical complexity of fatherhood.”

1. Make plans together

2. Ask for what you need

3. Pay attention to your partner’s daily pressure points

If you want to know exactly what these mean and how to implement click on this link and read on:

https://www.thriving-parents.com/blog/3-ways-new-dads-can-make-life-less-stressful

Photo Credit - Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash @gift_habeshaw

Do You Have the Illusion of a fulfilled Life?

Yesterday I read a Harvard Business Review article called

"What's really holding women back"

The article explores the work / family 'narrative' in an unnamed global consultancy firm.

I really recommend it, it’s a pretty big read, but it’s a really well written and explores the impact of work place stereotypes in the working world.

Key takeaways for me.. (pay attention at the back..)

⭐ Distress over work / family conflict was primarily attributed to women, but the authors found that many men were suffering too.

"Two-thirds of the associates we talked to who were fathers reported work / family conflict, but only one was taking measures to ease it."

(by measures they mean things like flexible or reduced hours and working from home)

⭐ Many more women took measures to improve work life balance, they were stigmatised and saw their careers derailed.

⭐ The route cause was a long-hours problem

⭐ Business "social defense" mechanisms included a "belief in women’s natural fitness for family, and in men’s for work."

Dads defence mechanisms against guilt

Working dads were suffering guilt, while as a defence against how they felt, they were denying or deflecting their natural emotional responses to fatherhood. This "psychological defense gave many men at the firm the illusion of a fulfilled life."

The "illusion of a fulfilled life" caught my eye...

ouch.

So dads in that study were risking their mental health by creating psychological defenses that allowed them to remain "all in" for work. 

While women were positioned to be seen as "subpar performers or subpar mothers—or both"

Double ouch.

Supporting men to tap into, rather than, suppress their desire to be active, involved parents is vital for everyone.

Feeling a bit uncomfortable about that article?

Here's something you can do about it.

✔ You can take my short "Assess your work life balance" test.

It will help you get clear about your reality, how it affects you and your family and get some tips on what to do next.

​Stay safe

Ian

How Can You get the help and support you need?

I received this message via LinkedIn last week. 

"I've been following with interest your Inspiring Dads work. It has been niggling me for a long time now, and I find myself working away from home in a sadly average job and then feeling like a bit of a spare part at the weekend. I am monumentally unable to discuss any of this with anyone and, quite simply, I need some help." 

To massacre a famous quote "every journey begins with a single step" and I know it takes courage and determination to reach out to someone for help.

Early interventions in the form of coaching, mentoring and dad to dad community initiatives have the power to transform the experience of working dads and that can only be a good thing for everyone.

But it can be hard to take that first step. in the video below the Music Football Fatherhood team discuss mental health in another of their #Daddydebates.

It's a valuable 20 mins discussion about the need for dads to access support but also the barriers to engaging with mental health and well being support.

It's well worth a watch.

"Am I happy, do I feel good? That's always got to be the priority." In our most honest & vulnerable conversation yet, we talk therapy & mental health for men...

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It's always a pleasure to know the impact you have had on your client's lives... 

I've been going back through my testimonials and sifting for gold and this nugget from Dan stuck me as important. 

"the way I approach many aspects in my work life" 

Coaching is never just about the desired outcome. Dan wanted a new job and we worked together to achieve that goal, but the impact of coaching went beyond that into broader behavioural change, the type of change that stays with you long after the new job honeymoon is over. 

You can read what he said below:

Whether you need help with work life balance, getting a new job or just understanding how best to focus your energy and drive then I can help you.

Find out more about my 1 to 1 coaching options click here:

https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/private-1-2-1-coaching

You can book a free call too. In fact i don't let anyone sign up without a chat first.

How Can I Be A More “Present” Father?

Last week during my Free, 5 Day, How to Control your Work Life Balance challenge, the day 4 exercise was all about switching off.

We did an important breathing exercise and then we physically removed ourselves from our phones.

I included that exercise for 2 reasons.

1) It's something that I find useful to practice myself. Controlling and managing my state through breathing and putting my phone somewhere where I can't see it and therefore can get distracted.

2) Switching off is a commonly identified desire and challenge of men in our Working Dads Club Facebook group

Q. What do you hope to get from being a member of this group?

"Support and advice on being more present for my family."
"Support and advice to be a better dad and mange my work life so I’m 100% present."
"Strategies to help me enjoy my time with family more by switching off from work mode."

As luck would have it the UK #1 Dad Blogger John Adams has joined the Daddilife “Dads at Work” roster and has written about the metaphorical and literal benefits of switching off.

A couple of highlights for me:

"We need to be in control of our tech, the tech should not be in control of us."

"When you get home in the evening, put your phone away and don’t look at it again until the morning."

Video Inspiration

Everyday in the 5 day Challenge I went live in the challenge Facebook group. The Day 4 live involved me talking about some of the things I learnt as a national league hockey umpire and how to use this to be a more present father.

Elastic bands, focus and controlling your breathing.

Originally recorded as a lunchtime live in the 5 Day Free "How to Control Your Work Life Balance" Challenge Facebook group https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/5-day-challenge 7 min video talking about focus, presence and controlling your state via breathing

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