HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
The Great Dad Reset
Inspiring Dads founder, Ian Dinwiddy, was invited to contribute to a Dads at Work feature for Daddilife discusses the importance of culture over policy in creating a balanced future for dads...
The Great Dad Reset
Inspiring Dads founder, Ian Dinwiddy, was invited to contribute to a Dads at Work feature for Daddilife discusses the importance of culture over policy in creating a balanced future for dads...
Ever since I started my business, it’s been really clear that new dads want to spend more time with their children, to be there for the moments that matter and to work out how to be a great dad without sacrificing a great career, and for so long it’s felt out of reach. Fears about being seen as uncommitted if you seek out extended paternity leave, jokes about taking 2 weeks holiday (if you’re lucky) and if you work flexibly (like a mum?!) then you’ve pretty much signalled that your career is on ice.
Not everyone can take the potential financial hit involved in stepping back and that’s before we consider the identity and purpose benefits that progression and enjoyment at work brings.
It shouldn’t have taken a pandemic to prove that it’s possible for many dads to work remotely, creating better balance, relationship harmony and mental health outcomes, but 2021 is definitely an opportunity to reset what it means to be a committed dad, the type that is committed to both family and work, but doesn’t want to have to choose between them!
Policy is great, but all the flexible working policies in the world mean nothing if your work culture doesn’t support dads accessing them, just ask Japan, with world leading paternity leave. While McKinsey research found the most important factors in men taking paternity leave were:
1. A work culture that encourages taking leave
2. Policy support from their employer
3. An unaffected promotion timeline
Whether is it hybrid working, taking extra leave or being a role model for younger dads, my challenge to you is, in this time of massive opportunity, what are you going to do to get the work-life balance, you, your family and your children want and need?
Because when men come together, things can get done, if enough of us stand together for better relationships, mental health and connection with our kids together we can create that reset and build a better future.
How Can I Be A More “Present” Father?
Tip and Ideas about how to be more present from UK #1 Blogger and my National League hockey umpiring experience.
Last week during my Free, 5 Day, How to Control your Work Life Balance challenge, the day 4 exercise was all about switching off.
We did an important breathing exercise and then we physically removed ourselves from our phones.
I included that exercise for 2 reasons.
1) It's something that I find useful to practice myself. Controlling and managing my state through breathing and putting my phone somewhere where I can't see it and therefore can get distracted.
2) Switching off is a commonly identified desire and challenge of men in our Working Dads Club Facebook group
Q. What do you hope to get from being a member of this group?
"Support and advice on being more present for my family."
"Support and advice to be a better dad and mange my work life so I’m 100% present."
"Strategies to help me enjoy my time with family more by switching off from work mode."
As luck would have it the UK #1 Dad Blogger John Adams has joined the Daddilife “Dads at Work” roster and has written about the metaphorical and literal benefits of switching off.
A couple of highlights for me:
"We need to be in control of our tech, the tech should not be in control of us."
"When you get home in the evening, put your phone away and don’t look at it again until the morning."
Video Inspiration
Everyday in the 5 day Challenge I went live in the challenge Facebook group. The Day 4 live involved me talking about some of the things I learnt as a national league hockey umpire and how to use this to be a more present father.
Elastic bands, focus and controlling your breathing.
Family Communications
Shared parenting, shared goals and open communication
Our family is ‘unusual’
This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe
I’m the lead on the full range of parenting activity. I do the school runs (both ends of the day), I do the shopping, the online shopping, the cooking, the after-school activities, the buying of birthday cards and presents. I’m in the school year group WhatsApp group. I make sure we don’t leave all the homework to Sunday afternoon.
Lead parent, but not only parent
Note though that I said I’m the lead. Not to the only one. We’re active joint parents. She’s in the WhatsApp group too. She accesses the homework page, so she knows what needs to be done. She gets the school email too, the swim class email. We decided back in 2009 that I would be the one who would always ‘be there’. But that decision didn’t abdicate my wife of responsibility.
Tell me what you want, what you really really want.
In my line of work – coaching working Dads, I talk a lot about communication. Both in terms of men communicating with themselves – being honest about what sort of life they actually want to live and then communicating effectively with their partners, together designing a life that works for the whole family.
My clients are usually men who are feeling torn between being a great dad AND having a great career. In many ways they are facing the challenges that women have become used to – How to “have it all.”
Coping by improving communication
The difference is that as a rule, men aren’t so good at communicating to themselves, let alone to others how they really feel about their circumstances. Plenty of men will tackle their challenges by being brave, stoic and ‘the rock’ - exhibiting traits associated with and admired in men.
It isn’t surprising that mental health issues can arise when new fathers face the twin pressures of being a breadwinner and wanting to be actively involved in young children’s lives but feel unable to express that pressure to anyone. Bottling up their emotions and delaying tackling difficult issues.
Honest with yourself
My coaching process begins with being honest with themselves. When I work with men in a coaching and mentoring capacity we start with a “Wheel of Life” before moving onto a thorough understanding of
· Who they want to Be,
· What they want to Do and
· What they want to Have.
Understanding these priorities gives them the start point to have honest conversations with their partners. When we listen to what men and especially working dads actually want, we find flexible working and family friendly work patterns are really important.
“Our study found that nearly two thirds (63%) of dads have requested a change in working pattern since becoming a father.”
https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/
What is mental load, why does it matter?
Men who work flexibly report a far greater understanding of the pressures and challenges that women have more typically faced – the “mental load”. Mental Load is the activity of organising family life. Even in families where both couples work the load falls disproportionately onto women. The NY Times this a piece called “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” and pointed out that it would be “another 75 years before men do half the work.”
Mental load matters because it takes time and energy and acts as a barrier to female participation in the workplace. But when Men understand it and experience it first-hand it makes a real difference to rebalancing family life.
Empathy by men for the scale of the unpaid caring role that women in ‘traditional’ relationships typically take on makes a huge difference in a society that considers Prince Harry to be a great dad because he changes nappies. The bar is set painfully low.
But it can be changed.
Family Communications
In the same way that I urge men to open up about the type of caring roles they want to take on, it’s equally important for their partners to tackle the inequalities that can easily build up in family life.
My top tips for effective family communications
1. Create a safe space for working parents to talk though pressures.
Open and honest communication and for men in particular - make it ok to express the desire to be a caring parent and have a great career. Letting go of the guilt. Creating or reaffirming family objectives.
2. Actively educate and share the mental load.
Learn more – real examples here:
If you are the keeper of the mental load, share your needs.
Make sure your partner is in the WhatsApp group, on the email list, takes on and owns part of the load. Because if you aren’t talking about the support you need it will cost you
3. Get organised – use a shared calendar and a to do list.
We use Google calendar and Microsoft To Do
Conclusion
Communication in families is not just about who takes out the bins. It needs to be a more profound interaction about the needs of both parties, so that support for work life balance and help in the home can be both expressed and supported.
As the French novelist Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote
“love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Men’s Flexible Working
Father’s Day shouldn’t just be about socks and real ale. It needs to be about men having the opportunity be active and hands on dads
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Of Men’s Flexible Working
As we get ready to mark Father’s Day, it worth reflecting on what dads really want.
We know a lie in would be good, socks even better and maybe a novelty selection of real ales. But in terms of the workplace, dads just want to have options. Options about how to organise their working lives, without being told that they can’t raise their children or that being a committed dad means you can’t be committed to work.
A New Generation of Dads
A whole new generation of men want to be much more actively involved in raising their children. They expect equality in the workplace and at home and they are frustrated when their needs and the needs of their families can’t be met.
In short they want to be great dads and have great careers.
GQ magazine found that the number 1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was “being a present father”.
Source: GQ Magazine
But it can be tough when this desire to be an active present father is dismissed or not taken seriously…
“Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.”
Source: Inspiring Dads Facebook Group
Dads are changing jobs to get what they want.
Daddilife and Deliotte Report - THE MILLENNIAL DAD AT WORK
Not all men or families are the same.
Income and childcare priorities change and for many heterosexual couples the certainty of a man being fully committed to his career, while a female partner takes on the majority of the childcare can give great comfort and certainty.
However we do an enormous disservice to society, the workplace and individuals when we assume that men don’t want to be fully involved as parents. That attitude is no more valid or helpful than assuming that women only want to stay at home and look after children.
Choices!
We need to allow couples to make genuine choices - both for their own benefit and for benefits of building gender diverse workplaces.
When we cannot tell whether a man or a woman is more likely to take parental leave or seek flexible working, gender ceases to be an issue in hiring and promotion decisions.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
As a man access to flexible work can be difficult to achieve. It can be seen as a perk of seniority or as something that solves a female childcare ‘issue’.
72% feared their employer’s reaction if they asked for flexible working.
Source: Workingdads.co.uk
But when it works well the benefits to the man, the family and their partner are clear to see as the ‘Good’ story of Susha and Magnus and will show. The example of the ‘Bad’ show how a lack of flexibility for Dads will cost businesses their talent and the motivation and good will of their staff. Finally the ‘Ugly’ shines a light on the type of casual dismissive bias that one man faced trying to access part time work. It shows how an attitudes towards men’s flexible and part time working desires can directly and negatively effect women’s aspirations.
Things will change but this Father’s Day we need to think about the next generation of Father’s Day.
“The current crop of male, mid-fifties business leaders are completely out of touch in respect to the changes to the role of the father that have taken place in the two decades since they were young dads.”
Source: Evening Standard
The Good - Susha and Magnus
Susha Chandrasekhar is a Senior Lawyer at the Department for Business.
Her husband is Dr Magnus Ryner, Professor of International Political Economy and Head of the Department of European & International Studies at Kings College, London
Their son is called Axel.
Susha kindly shared their story…
Flexibility for dads helps mums
“I am a lawyer working part-time which is demanding since my responsibilities include EU issues. Fortunately, my husband’s (more than) full-time work can be carried out flexibly. He comes into and leaves the office at different times, works from home, and catches up on things in the evenings on the days he does the school pick-up. My husband is an academic which helps but professors have to teach, attend meetings, supervise students, undertake research etc. which require a physical presence in the office or a library. It’s still a juggling act.”
Here are the top 7 ways in which my husband’s flexible pattern improves my life.
1. Morning mayhem
My husband does the morning shift and the school run. That pressure is off me as soon as I wake up which is always a good start. I do the evening routine of bath-book-bed.
2. School pick-up
My husband does two school pick-ups a week so there are least two days on which:
· I do not have to rush home and can deal with last minute work emergencies;
· My husband helps our son with his reading and maths homework; and
· There is dinner on the table for me when I come through the front door.
The other 3 weekdays on which I do the pick-ups, my husband gets these benefits in return.
3. Dealing with illness
Ian’s note
This is sometimes forgotten - flexible working is about care giving in many different circumstances and sometime none - flexible working should be for all.
It is not the default position that I drop everything and deal with a sick child. We see whose schedule is the more flexible. Sometimes it’s his.
4. Caring for Grandparents
There comes a time when our own parents need care. I value the chance to do this.
5. Finances
As we do the childcare ourselves, we do not need to employ a nanny which is expensive.
6. Reliability
If my husband says he will do something, he has the flexibility to do it. I feel assured it will be done without having to check up on it.
7. Frazzle factor
I can deal with the organisation of raising a child e.g. costumes, presents, dental appointments without too much stress. I also enjoy time with my family and friends instead of fretting non-stop about everything that needs to be done.
“No system is perfect and ours breaks down once in a while when the adventures of life are thrown at it. But one thing makes us truly happy. When our son cries out when he has a nightmare or has fallen over, he doesn’t just call for “Mummy, Mummy”, he calls for “Mummy-Daddy, Mummy-Daddy.” To him, we’re equally present, equally important. To us, his opinion is the most important one.”
The Bad - Losing Talented Staff
James wanted flexible working after the birth of his baby
He worked long hours for a private jet firm, but wanted more flexibility after his baby was born. While the official office hours were 9am to 6pm, in reality everyone was in the office until 8.30pm.
"If you didn't do that it was frowned upon. I was struggling," he says. He had been at the firm for four years and was one of its top sellers, so he asked for flexible working and expecting a positive response.
"I tried to talk to them several times, but it was always a blanket 'no' because they said others would want to do it too."
In the end, he quit, and now the 28-year-old works for his father's firm Bloomsbury Estates where he says he's happy to work at home on weekends to catch up from when he leaves early in the week.
Source: BBC website
Greg was on paternity leave
Greg was on 2 weeks paternity leave when he was asked to attend a work event - he explained that he couldn’t and was told he should “consider his priorities.” He did, remembered how toxic and destructive the environment was and left the business.
Better to upset your staff than consider flexibility?
“I can't work from home. I asked. I wasn't allowed a lap top so I had to reduce my hours in order to accommodate child drop off and pick up. They weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. Hard to have a dead stop as a recruiter but when I have to leave I have to leave as I need to get the train.”
The Ugly - Trying to Get Part Time Work
‘Phil’ tried to get part time work in SW England so that he could support his partner’s work expansion plans by taking on more of the childcare responsibilities, including looking after a boy on the autism spectrum.
He struggled badly in the recruitment process and ended up having to take a full time role.
Overqualified and bored?
Farcical the amount of times I have heard "overqualified" or "you would be bored" or "your skills wouldnt be used" in spite of yelling into peoples faces that I only wanted part time and 2 days a week would not be boring.
Could it be because you are a man?
It definitely is. One of the interviews I had I actually was told that I would probably be embarrassed being shown the systems by a 20 year old girl. "Considering my experience"
Unconscious Bias
As a footnote, the role I secured is the 1st full time role I applied for. But that was secured through a friend in recruitment who could see off the bias before it was made...
What do we need to do
Let’s forget the socks and real ale gift sets this year…
✅ Encourage and support dads to talk about the pressures they face.
✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.
✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok for men in the workplace to spend time with their kids.
✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.
Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
Recent content
Blog Categories
Archive
- June 2025
- March 2025
- October 2024
- April 2024
- March 2024
- January 2024
- September 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- December 2022
- June 2022
- January 2022
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- March 2018
- June 2017
A new generation of dads wants be an active and involved parent and thrive at work - and this represents a major opportunity for families, the workplace and society.