HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
new Dads are new parents too
Nicki Seignot, Author of 'Mentoring New Parents at Work' and founder of The Parent Mentor talks to James and Ian in episode 36 of Lockdown Dads.
New dads are new parents too
Nicki Seignot, Author of 'Mentoring New Parents at Work' and founder of The Parent Mentor talks to James and Ian in episode 36 of Lockdown Dads.
We discuss why supporting new dads matters, the role single dad Phil played to broadening Nicki’s horizons, beyond just supporting the maternity journey and what the post pandemic work landscape could look like.
Plus the usual podcast musings about schools going back, sunshine (!) and looking forward to better future.
Contents
00:50 The power of daylight in the mornings
02:15 Schools going back
02:45 Competitive world book day
04:00 Ian is looking forward to not apologising…
05:30 Christmas presents (!) and Covid
07:10 Nicki’s path-
Taking maternity leave in the late 1990s.
Hard choices and work just not working for mums
Mum2Mum mentoring programme at Asda
The important role of single dad, Phil
That 2011 program became The Parent Mentor business
Her book - Mentoring New Parents at Work and a realisation that dads weren’t part of the conversation.
“I mean, it sounds obvious talking to you too now, but you know, it was quite revelation at the time.”
13:45 A pivotal moment using a mountain top image as part of icebreaker cards
“He held the card up and he says this was me. And I used to go mountain climbing, cycling, you know, the world was my oyster and I don't know where he is anymore.”
And he literally broke down in the session, and I said to my client afterwards, I said, if you are in any doubt about the power of what you're doing, it's in the room right now. We have to talk to dads too.
14:30 The danger of grouping parents as a single homogeneous group
15:30 The Dad Connect programme
16:15 Mentoring v Coaching
18:50 We talk about reverse mentoring
21:45 “Good enough is good enough”
23:30 Work Life Balance
“It took me to have children to respect my work-life balance and to want work flexibly. Why do we give away all that discretionary time? And why does that have to be a parenting thing to want to work flexibly?
So I think in a way the pandemic has given everyone the gift of being able to say, I have a right to a life away from work”
24:00 Hybrid working and the role of line managers
25:50 Incoming culture clash - “working from home is an aberration” ?
26:30 Will there be a generational split about office working?
28:30 The mechanics of hybrid working models
Tips
James’ choose to challenge on parenting norms
Nicki talks about checking in on a new dad back from paternity leave
Ian has been reading Why we sleep? by Matthew Walker
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Connect with Nicki
Photo Credit @kellysikkema via Unsplash
In conversation with Coldplay's Will Champion
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay.
Champion of the World
The musician who doesn’t read music, the drummer who didn’t play the drums and a calming, pragmatic influence in Coldplay. In this episode of Lockdown Dads, we discover how a focus on their relationships has been as important as the music, what work life balance means in a band when you have kids and what Will is looking forward to most when lockdown finishes.
Self described (with tongue in cheek) “soft rock dinosaur,” we find out how Will feels about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary - the good, the cringe-worthy and the comforting.
We explore how the pandemic has been for the band, for his family and sadness he feels for artists on the cusp of success - with momentum pulled from under them.
Will talks openly about family, fatherhood and masculinity - the similarities between his role as a dad at home and his role in his second family where fortunately no one is a frustrated frontman!
Luck, personalities, hard work and a focus on relationships and above all else being grateful.
Contents
01:00 Definitely an air of optimism, a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for my kids.
01:50 Not touring with the last album turned out to be almost clairvoyant…
“We've managed to find a few moments to kind of play together and to record together, which has been brilliant. And so we're just sort of planning the next move really.”
02:45 We're lucky because we can afford to wait and we can we can choose the right time to do it for us
“I just feel so sorry for so many people, because momentum is a hard thing to kind of conjure up. And when you have it as a band or an artist or in any walk of life it's really good to try and grab it when you can. For so many people, that opportunity has been ripped away. So I think we're very lucky in this situation that we're in.”
04:00 Ian looking forward to the end of home school and binge watch Marvel films for the first time.
06:20 James - great weather, but an irritating Joe Wicks injury!
08:00 Will’s working dad status - father of three and freelancer
08:56 Olga Fitzroy is like Bruce Wayne. (Read more about her Parental Pay Equality campaign)
“Extraordinary sound engineer and producer by day and a politician and campaigner by night… she's brilliant.”
09:50 Children, touring and balancing family life with work.
“On the most recent tour we did in 2016, the Head Full of Dreams tour, I think the longest I was away from my kids and my wife at any one time, it was about two weeks. it takes a lot of planning and it takes a lot of organization, but ultimately it's what keeps us happy and what keeps us able to commit and to really throw ourselves into the music.”
12:40 Being in a band is like being in a family.
“We realised early on was that in order to make sure that we were going to stay together, for the band to be healthy, we had to concentrate as much on us or the interpersonal relationships as we do on our music.”
Chemistry between band mates is the most prized possession that you have…
15:15 Too busy for boxsets, books and learning new languages
17:00 We talk about the A Head Full of Dreams documentary
“I think it's a lovely thing for people who like our music and like our band… what's amazing is to be able to see that the core, that was there at the beginning is still there. And I think that's the most important thing for me from that film is that I can just see the same people and the same friendship at the core of it.”
20:00 The secret to Coldplay longevity - dynamics, personalities, friendships and a bit of luck.
“I also think that quite often in bands, you get…. more than one person who wants to be at the front and in our band, that's absolutely not the case. We have three people who definitely don't want to be at the front, and one person who's really good at being at the front.”
23:30 Will’s lack of previous drumming experience - could Ian have been in Coldplay?
"I went to audition to get drum lessons and they said no, we can't teach you..."
25:30 It’s been tough for Will’s kids, especially his eldest.
27:30 Making memories and making the best of Lockdown - The Quarantine Bar at 5pm on a Friday.
30:45 Studio time, being productive and Brian Eno’s advice
32:30 Weekly zoom calls and very intense, but very productive 2 week slots of time.
33:15 Multiple masculinities - Will’s role as a dad v his role in the band
“I feel like my role in the band is quite a similar one to my role in my family. which is convenient”
“I suspect it makes for possibly… not the most exciting member of the band, but an important one, nonetheless.”
36:30 Ambition, competition and balance
“It's a lovely feeling to be part of a team that really works.”
38:45 What are we going to do first, when we’re allowed - Will visiting his dad plus
“Just going out for some food, I've had enough of my own cooking. I think I'd love for someone else to make me dinner.”
40:40
This week’s bumper selection of tips
Make a playlist, include The Scientist
“Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it would be this hard”
and some The Blue Nile plus watch out for James’ appearance on Steve Wright’s Golden Oldies on the 8th March.
For International Women’s Day read Annie Lennox’s piece on Feminism and dialogue with men
It’s Energy Switch time
Challenge yourself musically
Previously Will learnt Blackbird and during this lockdown has been learning to play Nimrod by Edward Elgar on the piano
Listen to podcasts
“I've been inspired by my wife who's been voraciously devouring podcasts, and I've never really got into podcasts until recently. And there were so many brilliant things that you can listen to now, things that are extremely niche and some that are very broad. So listen to more podcasts.”
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More reading and links
Annie Lennox (subscribe to read)
James’ review of previous guest Martin Robinson’s New Book
RIP George and Paul x
Special request
If you’ve enjoyed this content please consider making a donation to 2 Wish Upon A Star, a charity very close to the hearts of both Will and I.
Founded by Rhian Mannings, OBE and Pride of Britain award winner, in memory of her one year old son and husband who died within a week of each other in 2012.
2 Wish Upon A Star provides immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.
Thank you
Ian
The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy
A trailblazer for same sex adoption, Jamie is the Daddy of Daddy and Dad and he joins us for episode 34 of Lockdown Dads.
The 'Gram, The Blog and The Daddy
A trailblazer for same sex adoption, Jamie is the Daddy of Daddy and Dad. What started as an exploration of the highs and lows of Jamie and Tom’s story of adopting two young brothers from foster care, became an award winning blog, key agency resource and an opportunity to work with major brands.
A timely redundancy lead to a focus on blogging, before dipping their toes into Instagram (not just for vintage cat photos…) and moving into the realms of influencing.
We explore the journey into fatherhood, how navigating trauma from previous lives is part and parcel of the adoption process. Plus relationship dynamics in a same sex couple (hint… the breadwinner / carer tension is the same) and the challenges of being dads in a mum’s world.
Contents
01:00 Half term, home-school and house moving.
03:10 James does care what the weatherman says.
04:00 Pets and waiting on Boris.
05:40 Booking holidays and being on TV.
07:00 James reflects on Ian’s sister in law’s Valentine dance.
08:30 The Path - “of course we're two dads, so options for starting a family are slightly different to other couples.”
09:40 Adoption is a huge, convoluted, overwhelming process and at the end of it, you become a family overnight
10:20 I thought maybe I'd write a book or maybe we'd do some kind of video blog or but blogging was my expertise.
11:30 “I was really trying to lay out exactly how I was feeling and how lost we felt sometimes, which people really identified with.”
12:30
Adoption agencies picked it up as a resource for potential adopters to read and it grew really quickly.
“I was made redundant, and it was cliched and everyone said it would be, but it was the best thing for me career wise because I just applied all that extra time on the blog and, and it grew and grew and started to win awards and and really became quite a big part of our lives as well.”
13:45 The mad world of parenthood - there's certain themes that I think everybody can recognise
15:00 Blogging inspiration from soft play and trampoline parks.
17:30 Instagram - not just pictures of cats
20:40 Relationship dynamics - breadwinner and carer
24:30 Support for adoptive parents
26:10 Dads in a mum’s world
27:20 Covid and a pub manager getting it all wrong.
28:00 Changing facilities for dads with babies
30:00 Gay men in a straight world - Valentine's Day and Mother’s Day
Tips 31:10
Read Martin Robinson’s book - “You Are Not The Man You're Supposed To Be”
Involve kids in decision making - a quick story about alarm clocks and bedtime habits.
Watch The Morning Show, Apple TV +, with Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston
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Connect with Jamie
Why supporting new dads in the workplace is key to gender equality
The cultural norms around work are changing at a rapid rate thanks to the pandemic, but we must not allow it to widen the gender gap at work. Dads are key
Written for HR Zone
Why supporting new dads in the workplace is key to gender equality
The cultural norms around work are changing at a rapid rate thanks to the pandemic, but we must not allow it to widen the gender gap at work. A key part of this is creating the right conditions for working dads to take on their share of the caring responsibilities.
Writing for HR Zone I explored three key themes:
1. Stressed dads seek new ways of working
2. Dads fear being seen as 'uncommitted'
3. Equality starts at home
“Gender equality took a big hit in 2020. At the start of the pandemic, the government suspended enforcement of gender pay gap reporting. Domestically, women took on more unpaid labour and despite evidence that the first Covid-19 lockdown led to a 58% increase in childcare undertaken by men, the equality gap widened and more recently those gains appear to have rolled back. Facebook groups such as The Career Mum are full of stories from working mums taking on a disproportionate share of unpaid domestic labour, whether it’s childcare, home school support or the mental load.”
Connect with me on LinkedIn and join the debate
How to build meaningful relationships with your partner and your children
Are You Concerned That You And Your Partner Aren’t On The Same Page?
Do You Wonder If Your Family Think It Is “All” Worth It?
How to build meaningful relationships with your partner and your children.
Are you concerned that you and your partner aren’t on the same page?
Do you wonder if your family think it is “all” worth it?
Written for the Dadvengers Community
It’s easy to get complacent, to think your family life is running smoothly. Then you turn around and discover too late that the solid foundations you thought you were building, aren’t as solid as you had hoped or expected.
Which is why it’s so important to build meaningful relationships that support your family life.
The good news is, it’s never too late to reflect on what your version of “Christmas Future” looks like and make changes. This is especially true if the answer to either of those questions is Yes.
Getting it right matters as friend of mine, let’s call him Toby, illustrates evocatively about his relationship breakdown:
“If there’s one thing I wish we’d done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions – rather than the more off-hand comments and observations – about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.
But hey – we live and learn, eh?!”
Head over to the Dadvengers website to read the rest of the piece, including these topics:
Meaningful relationships require open and honest conversations.
Meaningful relationships need shared purpose.
Meaningful relationships require equality at home.
How to build meaningful relationships with your children
Plus you can watch Nigel and I on the Dadvengers’ “Dad Chats Live” over on Instagram. We talked about the content, shared stories and answered Q&A with the viewers.
Our conversation starts at 9min and you can catch up and watch here:
Photo Credit @nate_dumlao via Unsplash
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad…
Dan Stanley - Becoming Better Men
In a powerful discussion about masculinity, purpose, and self awareness, ex Army Commando Instructor Dan describes how, far from being a magical time, becoming a new dad led to a 8 month separation in his marriage.
We discover how a chance meeting with an ex premiership footballer, helped him drop his people pleaser mask and literally stop running from his problems.
We discuss the impact of a dad who wasn’t present in his life, running so much your dog gets injured, and seeking to normalise the conversation about modern masculinity. Dan talks about his business principles of creating space for men to develop great relationships with themselves.
Plus… is it sledding or sledging and other pressing questions in 2021.
Contents
01:00 Dan is purposeful, available and congruent
03:00 Ian and the “done” list
04:20 Sledding or Sledging? Snow days as a niche argument in favour of flexible working.
07:25 Birth of Dan’s daughter was the catalyst for “not only the breakdown of my marriage, but also for what was an identity crisis or midlife crisis for me.”
08:10 Dan was running (and avoiding) so much that his spaniel (running partner) actually developed an injury that needed an operation.
09:00 “We separated for about eight months and it was a lonely time.”
09:45
“I kind of felt there's an opportunity here. There's an opportunity for me to use my story. And my authenticity. So allow other people to step into a space where they could unpack the thoughts and feelings, to really make sense of who they are and what they want, but ultimately it's cultivate a mindset for success that enables them to balance their happiness and their career motivations.”
11:10 It's all about normalising the conversation for me. Unless you've got a great relationship yourself, you can't have a great relationship with anybody else.
12:30 My dad wasn't present in my life and at the time I never really gave it any significant thought, but…
13:30
Training all arms commandos from the army. Screaming in people's faces, that in my mind, is counterproductive.
15:30
“I was reading a book called Legacy about the psychology of the All Blacks and a man a few loungers down is reading Chimp Paradox. We must have been the only two guys in the Maldives with self help books”
He was an ex premiership footballer, he'd had a couple of the operations, which hadn't worked…
He said a phrase, which has changed the whole trajectory of my life. He said the only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth. I was like, wow. You know, it was straight in my heart.
17:30 Taking massive and immediate action
18:30 Reflecting on ego and masculinity
19:45 It's about creating that space for men to have the conversations they've never had before, to be heard and listened to in a nonjudgmental space.
21:30 I found myself in the Peak District for five days, on a vegan diet. No caffeine, morning meditation and yoga and spirituality and the men's circles. Craig White was a real, a real catalyst for who I became.
24:00: I stepped away from friendship groups that I felt no longer served who I wanted to become. I realised that my values were kind of just social traits that I'd adopted from other people.
26:30 My story is perhaps extreme in a sense, but lots of guys can relate to avoiding, to placing their head in the sand
Tips (27:00)
Bird watching for the soul
A selection of stoic maxims.
Know thy self - develop yourself awareness.
Nothing to excess.
Surety brings ruin.
Listen to Tim Ferris podcast with Jerry Seinfeld
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More from Dan
I don’t claim to have a superpower, but...
Childcare is a learnt skill, there is no magic mum superpower or special potion that midwives secretly give out and this is way this matters.
I don’t claim to have a superpower, but…
How many dads do you know would be comfortable looking after someone else's 2 year old for 2 days?
A 2 year old who I have only met a handful of times.
That's what I did last summer - like Batman gazing across the roof tops of Gotham I spent half of May on standby for THE CALL.
The call that my sister in law's labour had started. Because someone had to look after my niece. A Grandma was in South Africa, a Grandad was shielding.
"Help me Uncle Ian, you're our only hope." or something like that...
Enter Uncle Ian. No cape, but brandishing Paw Patrol heroes Rubble and Skye and a pedal car for the garden.
Top tip always bring toys... Especially when you are about to collect your niece from the car park of Kingston Hospital...
I can hear your thoughts (actually that is my superpower), why I'm I telling this story?
It's because there is almost nothing a dad cannot do when it comes to looking after their children (breastfeeding is the only thing I can think of). Childcare is a learnt skill, there is no magic mum superpower or special potion that midwives secretly give out.
Supporting new dads with coaching and mentoring, coupled with cultures that genuinely support dads' access to extended parental leave and flexible and remote working from the very earliest days of fatherhood is vital to improve dads' skills and confidence.
Solo parenting, learning from mistakes and building bonds with their children is good for mental health, attainment and equality at home and in the workplace.
Because when dads are there are the forefront of parenting anything is possible.
Including looking after your initially skeptical niece Sana!
Follow my brother Chris and my sister in law Takkies’ lockdown baby story on Emma Willis: Delivering Babies in 2020.
Tune in Monday 15th Feb 10pm @wtvchannel (Sky 109, Virgin 125, BT 311)
and watch out for Uncle Ian's minor supporting appearance! Don’t blink or you may miss it!
Picture Credit: @yuliamatvienko via Unsplash
TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers
“Everyone’s Welcome” as Nigel Clarke, CBeebies presenter, explains how Dadvengers started from an all Dads episode of The Baby Club.
TV presenter Nigel Clarke Chats about The Baby Club and Dadvengers
There’s just not enough time!
Nigel Clarke, CBeebies presenter, explains how Dadvengers started from an all Dads episode of The Baby Club, the groundbreaking show for mums, dads and carers with babies under 18 months old. The Baby Club reflects the important CBeebies mantra that “Everyone’s Welcome”.
We talk about a generational shift in what is expected from and expected by dads and the importance of dads having the skills and confidence to be alone with their kids.
Ian and Nigel try and explain to James what the Clubhouse excitement is all about and we discover how you manage a 4 hour filming session with babies, sing songs (!) and probe Nigel about parenting in the public eye and what goes on at a CBeebies Xmas party.
Contents
01:15 Using Lockdown in the most positive way we can be - “I've found a place where I'm happy.”
02:00 Nigel’s motto - “There just isn't enough time”.
03:00 Special To Do lists
04:00 Children on Teams and Clubhouse
“Somebody told me about it (Clubhouse) and I was like, this is never going to work. But if it's done right, it's like attending a really cool lecture or a really cool networking room where you share stuff.”
06:45 Trying not to get stressed - people are accommodating
08:00 CBeebies closed for a couple of weeks and we, as the presenters, were recording stuff in our homes. So I did a series of links from my lounge.
09:45 Dadchats was a place for me to just research what parents might want to see or hear about in the Dadvengers podcast.
11:20 We did an episode of The Baby Club just with Dads
14:55
“I'm mid forties. So I grew up with a generation where the dads were at work. You see them maybe at the weekend, maybe in the evenings, maybe briefly before they go to work in the morning.
They didn't have the opportunity to be with their kids and around them spending lots of time.”
15:45: Wanting to be more involved - The Baby Club as a platform to really help dads.
18:40 The essence of it was wanting dads from all different backgrounds who were engaged with their kids, who weren't scared to change a nappy.
20:10 The importance of making dads feel welcome.
21:00 Patience and being public figure.
21:30 I don't know if I can really call my work work.
23:30 Chaos and contagious crying - how to film an episode of The Baby Club.
24:45 I know a song that’ll stick in your head….
26:20 What happens on a CBeebies night out, stays on a CBeebies night out.
28:00 Tips
Men need to learn how to listen, not just talk.
Feel good with a squirt of aftershave.
Be present when your kids are there and you're spending time with them, put that phone away, drop it down.
30:44 There's not long left. We're at 13, we're two thirds of the way through, and then it's over, they're gone and they're not kids anymore.
From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy
23 year old Nathan, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.
From dad blogging pioneer to founding The Study Buddy
As a newly married 23 year old, apprehensively mulling over his thoughts about impending fatherhood while driving the A39 to and from Bristol, Nathan McGurl, founder of The Study Buddy did what we now take for granted - he started blogging.
The My First Kid website has sadly gone the way of our My Space profiles, but the story Nathan tells of dads sidelined from parenting will still resonate to many, even if supermarket parenting clubs no longer limit you to identifying as “Ms, Mrs or Miss”
We blend discussion about bad broadband, good haircuts and expensive contact lenses with a look at lazy and damaging gender stereotyping promoted by the UK government.
Nathan explains how having exhausting all the classic parenting manipulation techniques with his son, he created a system of GCSE revision planning that didn’t rely on learning by osmosis and became The Study Buddy.
Content
01:10 Nathan is a gin and tonic away from being “magenta.”
02:45 James loses the world’s most expensive contact lens.
04:10 Ian on bad broadband, good haircuts and lockdown birthdays
05:50 New marriage, new dad and new millennium - there was a lot going on.
06:50 On the road to Street and myfirstkid.co.uk was born, capturing all of these things flying through my head…
08:20 I started to become more aware of “parenthood” because I don't think “fatherhood” was much of a thing then.
10:00 Parenthood was all about the mums. The Safeway club just assumed it's Mrs. Nathan McGurl. I mean, you could be Ms. or Miss or Mrs, but you couldn't be Mr.
12:20 We talk government and gender stereotyping
15:40 Emails from Mums even more than Dads
I don't want to build it up to sound like it was profound, because it wasn't, it was things like “there's multiple births (triplets and twins) that run through my wife's side of the family… and I’m not sure if I could cope with having more than one at a time.”
It was more an irreverent type of thing, not necessarily a manifesto for fathers.
18:30 The path to creating The Study Buddy
It was deeply practical at the time, my son was going through his GCSEs when he was 16. God love him, he is me. So he's sort of a bit lazy with a sprinkling more cockiness in there than is possibly healthy.
He's every bit as ambitious as his mum and so he wanted to be a doctor, brain surgeon, quantum physicist, whatever it was that he had in his head to do, but his idea to get there was osmosis.
19:30 Using every trick in the book for motivation - “how about I give you a fiver?”
21:00 Then it came to Easter just before his exams,
The shouting is not as effective as I'd hoped. I just had two questions really that I kept asking him and he wasn't able to answer.
first one was… how much work have you got to do?
and secondly… have you got enough time to do all of that work?
22:00 It wasn't emotional anymore because it wasn't me telling him what I thought he should do.
22:47 This is how Study Buddy works
We have broken down all of the GCSEs and IGCSEs and some BTec etc so that we can create this master to do list. I mean, whatever it is you do, you've got to have, even if it's in your head, a list of things and steps that you need to go through. And then the next thing was, well, when are you going to do it?
26:30 You don't need to spend money, but for those parents who actually just don't have the time or the inclination…
27:40 It was built for the procrastinating boy, but this kind of approach helps with, those who are really anxious.
30:00 The power of the student feeling in control
I don't mean to suggest for one second that we implemented this on the Sunday and come Monday morning, we'd had the inverse Kevin and Perry effect, and my child came downstairs, in suit and tie because it wasn't like that! But what did happen, over time, was he started to feel like, he controlled it.
33:10 Tips
CKC = “Communication is key with COVID”
The power of an Excel spreadsheet - people will assume that you're busy and they will walk away.
Zig Ziglar quote “The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.”
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Learn more here
https://www.facebook.com/TheStudyBuddyStudios/
Photo credit: @comparefibre via Unsplash
Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?
Ep 30 of Lockdown Dads - connecting with your kids, empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.
Time to ponder… what colour are you today and why?
I saw something on Twitter yesterday that caught my eye...
No, it wasn't a debate about vaccinations or covid competency.
It was a woman posting about home schooling, she reflected that having the kids at home and trying to work at the same time meant the days were simultaneously both too long and too short.
I love my kids but I'd love them to be at school, learning and playing there instead of being at home endlessly defining my life by their various needs, time tables, times tables and not accepting a ham sandwich or pot noodle "a la desk" is a proper lunch.
The result is a long day that never seems long enough to "get stuff done", but long enough and disrupted enough to feel exhausted at 9:30pm and making progress on work projects is like wading through treacle. It's no wonder I haven't done my tax return yet...
But there are always positives, every Friday James Millar and I jump on Zoom and have a 40 minute chat with a new and interesting guest for the Lockdown Dads podcast. It feels like our own TFI Friday moment, plus we get to learn and share ideas with great people with something to say.
Paul Bulos, Executive, Leadership & Wellbeing Coach and publishing professional joins us to ponder “what colour are you today and why?” We dig into the benefits of lockdowns - including connecting with your kids and we touch on the importance of empathy and understanding the transition between work and home life.
Plus we discuss dad ‘presence’ - how important is secondary school transition, what does the “right train” mean to you and taking time to involve yourself in the things that are important to your children.
Tips include - it’s time for clippers, the Language of gaming and Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control .
Contents
00:20 Lockdown birthdays are rubbish.
02:30 If you could describe how you are doing as a colour, what would that colour be and why?
02:45 Paul’s Funday Friday - energy and weather = yellow
03:15 Ian, green for Pakistan - ODI cricket tickets for the summer
04:20 James = black… I like black
07:40 Learning self awareness and family dynamics
09:15 Paul’s relationship with his daughter
Photo Credit: @lajaxx via Unsplash
I've always been really close to my kids, but I've got a lot closer and some of that's good and some of that's not so good… one of the key things that really came through that first lockdown, was my relationship with my daughter. She started 13, went into being 14. That's quite an age for young females, lots going on, lots changing. I noticed a lot changing. And just before the lockdown, I was being very honest about it, finding quite difficult.
Our connections seem to be drifting a little bit where we'd been really close before we'd done a lot of things together. She sort of flipped into that proper teenage time and she was beginning to just drift away a bit.
And then we started doing this walk, we live in West London, so we started walking to Osterley Park very early. We didn't often say that much to each other, but the content of what we started to talk about between us was, far more meaningful than they'd ever been. I think we just started to reconnect, but in a different way.
12:25 Helping children to feel safe
14:05 A higher proportion proportion of dads think that the switch to secondary school is a time when they need to be around for their kids.
15:00 How comfortable are you saying, “you know what, I can't make that meeting at 5:30” because if I don't do that, I can't get the train, which means I won't be home for my kids.
15:50 You come home one day and, and they don't come to the door. And I said, no, I can't imagine that.
17:00 The impact of missing your train - my wife knew exactly what time I'd be walking through the door at the end of the working day.
19:30 The transition between work - coming home and re-entry into domestic, household and parenting life.
One of the other things that I found quite interesting is that the children, for first time, in their life really, have seen me working, seeing what that means, what that looks like. If I ever came home from work and I was particularly preoccupied or had a difficult day, they, they never really grasped the concept of that. But now that we're around each other so much more, we have conversations in the day, much more readily around what's going on.
Vice versa for their school day. Some of the things that they're doing and getting up to and how their, some of their stresses and strains, you know, when they've had a frustrating lesson or when you know, they feel like they haven't really been heard in their lesson.
I wouldn't normally hear that stuff, but now I'm hearing it much more regularly. So we're relating in a very different way and understanding and appreciating and having more empathy for each other in a very different way.
21:50 James talks about his workingdads.co.uk building back better agenda.
23:00 Lunchtimes together.
24:00 The power of coaching - examining values and my responsibilities as a parent
25:30 Children as they've become far more cognitive in the world and they've got their own things, you really have to listen to them.
They've got something to say now, whereas when they're little, they're just looking at you almost to repeat what they need to say, but as they've grown up I think probably post 10, 11, they've really got something to say and it's worth listening to.
The speaking is his understanding that he's being listened to. And that requires reflection back to him, all those kinds of things.
27:00 My Daughter has helped me as a coach
One of the important things of being a coach is being able to be in the quiet and be comfortable in that quiet space and allowing that space, not feeling you need to fill it, not feeling you need to rescue, but providing your coachee with that. My daughter is quite quiet and thoughtful and her feelings are quite deep. They don't come to the surface. She doesn't wear a heart on her sleeve. So she's actually helped me in my coaching practice because I have to sit with that space a lot more than I do with my son.
28:30 Tips
Home haircuts - clippers are back on stock
Try to understand the language of gaming.
So I remember when he used to collect Pokemon cards, I would walk with him and he would talk to me and I literally didn't understand a single word he said, and and it's now happening with Fortnite. So I have now invested in the time to say to him, could you just explain what you're talking about? Because I realized this could go on a while. I can't have conversations with him that I really don't understand for any longer.
Rachel Vecht’s Circle of Control. (former guest on the show)
More from Paul Bulos
https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulbulos/
http://www.thecompletecoach.co.uk/safe/
https://www.workingdads.co.uk/sink-swim-vital-dads-look-after-themselves/
Photo Credit: @patrickian4 via Unsplash
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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