Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters

Brian Ballantyne - why men and inclusion matters.

Brian Ballantyne, Co-Founder of Men for Inclusion, author of “Confessions of a Working Dad” and one time Babycenter moderator joins James and Ian in Episode 37 of Lockdown Dads.

It’s an open and honest discussion in which we discuss what it means to be good ally, how Brian’s own family were a prompt to volunteer in diversity and inclusion voluntary work and why men must be involved if we aren’t just creating inclusion echo chambers.

Plus “Centrist Dads”, burnout and recharging batteries and how to argue well.

Contents

01:00 A tough week for Brian - lessons in boundaries, batteries and burnout

04:30 Balancing family and personal priorities

06:00 Ian has been shooting video content +

07:00 Social media and men’s attitudes to women’s personal safety

08:00 Ian forgets about James

09:30 James reflects on a bad week for gender equality

11:30 Being a Babycenter moderator

12:45 Dad culture - the time when Brian’s CEO stalked him on Foursquare

14:30 Family influence on diversity and inclusion work.

15:10 Women in Technology echo chambers

17:00 How Male Allies for Gender Equality became Men for Inclusion

19:45 We discuss what allyship means

Tips

23:10

James has been reading Conflicted: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together

Q. What is a Centrist Dad”

Ian recommends previous guest, Rachel Vecht’s quick video on how to extract information from your school age children!

Brian talks about cherishing the small moments

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Connect with Brian

https://www.linkedin.com/company/menforinclusion/

https://www.e2w.co/men-for-inclusion

https://www.linkedin.com/in/brian-ballantyne-336754/

Photo Credit @hannahbusing via Unsplash

Why supporting new dads in the workplace is key to gender equality

Written for HR Zone

Why supporting new dads in the workplace is key to gender equality

The cultural norms around work are changing at a rapid rate thanks to the pandemic, but we must not allow it to widen the gender gap at work. A key part of this is creating the right conditions for working dads to take on their share of the caring responsibilities.

Writing for HR Zone I explored three key themes:

1. Stressed dads seek new ways of working

2. Dads fear being seen as 'uncommitted' 

3. Equality starts at home

“Gender equality took a big hit in 2020. At the start of the pandemic, the government suspended enforcement of gender pay gap reporting. Domestically, women took on more unpaid labour and despite evidence that the first Covid-19 lockdown led to a 58% increase in childcare undertaken by men, the equality gap widened and more recently those gains appear to have rolled back. Facebook groups such as The Career Mum are full of stories from working mums taking on a disproportionate share of unpaid domestic labour, whether it’s childcare, home school support or the mental load.”

Connect with me on LinkedIn and join the debate

3 Ways New Dads Can Make Life Less Stressful

3 Ways New Dads Can make life less stressful

In this first post for Thriving Parents I reflect back on my experience as new dad and make three key recommendations to help new dads reduce their stress.

“It can be a really brutal learning curve, especially first-time round. In fact, I think it’s worse than most people believe it’ll be. In hindsight we Dads are painfully ill equipped to deal with the emotional and practical complexity of fatherhood.”

1. Make plans together

2. Ask for what you need

3. Pay attention to your partner’s daily pressure points

If you want to know exactly what these mean and how to implement click on this link and read on:

https://www.thriving-parents.com/blog/3-ways-new-dads-can-make-life-less-stressful

Photo Credit - Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash @gift_habeshaw

Matt’s Story - Learning To Priortise Being Present.

Career, Dad and Husband

I am a recruitment professional with challenging, busy and responsible job, often requiring me to work long hours and travel. When my children were little, the country was in recession and my income took a fairly heavy hit. Not only did I experience the worry of my livelihood, I also had the challenge of playing the three roles that are very familiar to most working fathers - the need to maintain career progression, the role of dad and also husband. This is a well-worn path, but it is fair to say that you are neither fully briefed nor prepared for it- I certainly felt a lot of pressure to be ’10 out of 10’ on all sides which left very little time nor energy to do anything properly.

The Struggle To Balance Everything

The dreaded ‘triple shift’ became a massive issue for me. I was coming in late from work with a head full of the day’s challenges and ongoing worries about the future and then expected to start job number 2 when I walked through the door; it was right that my wife had some respite from childcare, but switching off professional mode straight into Dad mode was tiring to say the least. As my son, particularly, was a poor sleeper, I had no real choice but to support Kate with the night shifts too - I felt duty-bound to support with night feeds and settling my children and as a result spent a very long time living on 3-4 hours sleep per night.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

The net effect of this was obvious; I gradually became less and less capable of doing anything properly and felt depressed and anxious as a result. This was initially manageable with ‘mind over matter’, but overtime my performance at work suffered, as did my health. I gained c.2 stone in weight and lost any sense of personal well being. This in turn caused me to quit playing rugby which was an important outlet for me.

Learning To Live Better Lives

Fortunately, circumstances forced our hand. My wife was offered a part-time job (she is a teacher) and to cover the childcare, my boss allowed me to work part-time. This helped the business by reducing salary overheads and enabled my wife and I to gain a greater, first hand understanding of our relative lives at the time.

I learned how to be a stay-at-home dad (worth an essay in itself!) and my wife got to experience the balancing act that I felt I was experiencing. This change of perspective helped us massively and taught me how to be more natural with my children and worry less about work.

Bereavement, Exhaustion and Perspective

There were some other factors that changed my perspective; namely the tragic death of my mother, and also experiencing the impact of exhaustion. After a particularly challenging fortnight I collapsed in the office (I also had a series of bumps in the car) which made me take action. I made a commitment to myself to balance my work / life better and put less pressure on myself.

Mindset Change

Fortunately, during my time being a part-time worker, I met other parents whose priorities were different to mine and who were far more content with less. This took away my focus on earnings and my career.

Misplaced Loyalty To Work?

I also met a lot of people through work who had been made redundant during the recession. This had a major impact on me. I saw people who had outwardly done everything right; they had studied hard, got good jobs, prioritised careers and got to a point where they were earning really good money. They had put the company first despite the toll on their health.

When the economy turned, their companies let them go without any sentiment, in some situations without any form of parachute. This made me realise that despite what a company might do to look after people, when times get tough they will do what they have to do to survive; so in other words if you put work first to the detriment of life you might find yourself without either through no fault of your own!

Priorities And The Importance of Me Time

So essentially I made the decision to be more selfish with my time - if I go to sports day, the world will not stop turning. If I refuse a meeting a long way away, it’ll just get re-arranged at a more suitable time. If I get the train rather than drive, I’ll be home quicker etc.

I also trained as a rugby coach and now coach a successful women’s rugby team. This has been amazing for my personal sense of well-being. I have something that is just for me and whilst it does cause the odd argument at home, it stops my more negative behaviours that can self-sabotage at times.

My Life Now

Not perfect, but I’m more in control. Work-wise, I’ve accepted that I’m undergoing a sort of hiatus - my focus is less on my career, and more on my life as a whole. It’s true - I haven’t progressed my career, my earnings have stalled and I’m less fulfilled professionally, but I also have another 20 years to catch up, if and when I want to!

More Efficient And Effective

I’m far more efficient in what I do, more direct in the way I communicate with colleagues and far quicker to push back on demands I think are unreasonable. And guess what? I’m still effective in my job and delivering the results that are expected of me.

I Priortise Being Present

At home, I’m a much more present part of my children’s lives, and whilst I still miss out on a lot due to my working hours, I prioritise what is really important and my family appreciates that. The rugby gives me my ‘me time’ giving me a focus on a passion (and a team of 20+ women certainly keep me grounded!). The main area I need to further develop is my relationship – it’s very hard to keep a focus on that with so much else to do, but it’s a work in progress!

Matt’s Top Tips

• Consider your life holistically – there is no point ‘winning’ at work, and ‘losing at home’

• Your kids don’t care how much you earn. They care that you make it to their piano recital

• Be positive about your job. I moan far too much about work in front of my kids- I need to inspire them to see me as a role model, even though I don’t feel like one sometimes

• Find something you are passionate about and do it and protect it fiercely. It is not easy striking an appropriate balance, but your interests are important to you, and again, your kids will love this about you.

• If your company is not progressive, leave and don’t look back. They will leave you if they have to too. This might mean a pay cut, but provided this doesn’t impact you too much, it might be the best decision you ever make.

• Re-evaluate your status. There is no point being a Director with a fat salary at work, and inconsequential at home. Being a hero at home will make you happier!

 If you have a story to share like Matt’s or Will’s I’d love to hear from you!

👉 If you need help with your Work Life Balance you can book a FREE call with a money back guarantee. To learn more CLICK here:

👉 Click here to get our FREE Top Tips Guide

Joe Marler and Work Life Balance

Struggling with the demands of work and the demands of family?

Is it causing you stress, anxiety and a sense of letting everyone down?

After 59 caps, Joe Marler, England Rugby player decided to step away from the England set up "Being with England you have to spend an incredible amount of time away and I could not do that any more," he said.

He went one to say he was "looking forward to being able to give my wife and children more of my time".

After struggling with “the emotional and mental toll of being away from his family for long periods”, Marler choose to address it.

To work out whether it was all worth it.

Most of us are not going to reach the heights of international sport and the pressures on mind body and time that this brings, but we can all seek to understand why we do what we do and make sure it is all worth it.

Don’t keep putting your mental health at risk.

Start to be honest about what you really want and take action to get it.

As Joe Marler found, your honesty and integrity will gain you the respect of the people around you.

Eddie Jones, England Coach said

"He's a good guy - an honest, mature person who understands the demands of the game and the demands of family life. I have got to admire his honesty and the way he has gone about this."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/45659034

Photo credit - PA

Feeling like Joe Marler?

It’s time to plan your next steps

The Importance of saying No

Sometimes you just need to say no

After 3 years as PTA Secretary and a further 12 or so on the committee of UCL Academicals Hockey Club, this summer I’m taking a break from volunteering. My resolve was tested this weekend when I received a very complimentary note asking me if I would like to take on another role within the PTA. It would have been easy to say yes - it’s a great fit with my skills, I love being part of a team and contributing my experience.

But I said no.

Google returns 23million results on the ‘art of saying no’, so it’s a popular topic (though incidentally not as popular as ‘love the job you do’ – 424 million results).

For me it’s important to see No not so much as negative, but as part of a positive decision to focus on the things that are really important to you – in my case building my coaching business. Without doubt it can be a challenge to say no when asked to help or to contribute, but for me it’s important to understand what could happen if you say yes to everything…

• You can spread yourself too thinly

• You could end up stressed and frustrated

• It could prevent you delivering against the commitments you have already made

In order to make the progress you want in your life, sometimes you need to save Yes for the really important things, giving you the time and space to do them justice

We run regular, free, 5 day challenges to help you get super clear about what’s really important to you and use that to start a meaningful conversation with your partner.