Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?

More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.

3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.

"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December" 

"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... ​Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"

"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8" ​

How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?

The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.

Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.

But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.

Source - Working Families 2018

It’s early days

The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.

Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.

“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”

Its pretty shocking.

Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.

Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.

This is what needs to happen.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase. 

Research backs this up…

It’s time to get help

As one guy in our FB group said 

“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do. 

But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."

It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.

Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.

Because you’re kids are only young once.

Mental Load - what does your partner say behind your back?

66 per cent of the GQ State Of Man survey respondents chose "being a present father" as the number one aspect of modern masculinity. 
Source - GQ Magazine 

But modern masculinity goes way beyond that.

Some of you will get it, for the rest of you this might be informative...

✅ Real men not only want to spend more time with their families, they understand and help with the mental load.

Its not just about your quality time with your children - life is a partnership and your presence has to be more than getting home on time and making great memories at the weekend. 

Your role doesn't begin and end with money in the bank and feeling good about yourself because your kids love you and you get to work from home once a week. 

It has to be about taking on the "burden" of life.

It's about pulling your weight, not waiting to be asked, about managing at home as well as at work.

*** In fact research from Germany found that when Men worked from home they actually worked longer and did less childcare than if they were 'at work' that day, by contrast women did more childcare than they otherwise would. *** 

<<< This is what “Mental Load” looks like and generally men aren’t very good at understanding it and then doing something about it.

Source: The Guardian

If you're wondering what your wife says behind your back this may be an eyeopener...

"I’m putting the kids to bed when my daughter says, what’s for tea? 🤔. It’s 8.15 and I feel raging tbh. I was out from 4-7 but I did just assume tea would be taken care of. Am I wrong?"

"I think it's time you had a chat about this situation. Ffs we do not live in the 18th century! Seriously if you have to go out to work, then the balance within the home needs to be altered too. Atm my oh is ironing whilst I am doing other jobs. If he did not help out with the kids/ housework etc I would just down tools."

Some partners think we're stupid.

"If I’m out for dinner I leave either something pre-cooked or easy to make (frozen that just needs sticking in the oven) & give him very clear instructions on what to do, but to be honest I try to feed them before I go out... otherwise I know he’ll just resort to takeaway."

This is what they want us to do...

"Men need to start taking on board the fact that women are not born with any special skills and that not only can men organise the home/kids/social life/etc, they should just do it without waiting to be asked. They shouldn't expect those tasks to be delegated to them by women. And whilst there are men who do this, they are few and far between"

Work Life Balance

As a Working Dad, getting your work life balance right is really important but there's bigger purpose here - it's about the fundamentals of your life in partnership as a couple.

If you are just focused on your personal work life balance you are really missing a trick when it comes to your overall family and relationship happiness.

I don’t believe men are inherently selfish. Many of us were raised in households where mum did most, if not all, of the domestic chores and there’s plenty of research to show that men - and women - tend to repeat the example they were brought up with. But that also means it’s on us to set an example for our kids and muck in with the menial jobs.

Evidence also shows that the couple that puts out the bins together stays together. So it’s worth having a serious conversation with your partner about housework. It might not sound like the most convincing pillow talk but it will help you have a more mature and stronger bond.

One client, let’s call him Toby, told me…

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

The modern dads mantra might be ‘don’t split up, split the chores’.

Engage with the mental load properly and your partner will be saying nice things about you to her friends behind your back.

7 years on... get the help you need

How often do you find yourself using these phrases when your talking to yourself?

It's time to man up.

Take it on the chin.

Be committed.

Be strong.

Do what you say you'll do.

I think we all do at some stage.

I know you want to provide your family with everything they need - opportunities, experiences & comfort. But it's easy to be torn in two directions. Pulled in 2 directions by work and family life.

I know you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to make changes to your work life balance.

But if you are being honest with yourself, do you commit more to work and your boss than you do to your family?

When your work life balance is causing stress and a strain on your relationships, the easiest thing to do is to get your head down and work even harder.

But it takes real balls to do something about it.

To actually talk to someone

To open up a bit.

To admit to yourself that you need some help.

It's the reason there's a male health crisis in this country. We aren't very good at getting the help that can make a difference.

** 7 years ago yesterday, my friend Paul Burke, overcome with grief after the sudden loss of his 1 year old son, took his own life. He left a wife and 2 other young children behind. All because he didn't get the support he needed when he needed it.

Now, I'm not for one minute suggesting that any of the work life balance struggles we face are in any way comparable to what Burkey faced, but the pattern of Dads struggling on silently is real.

I can't give you the answer as to what is right for YOU and your FAMILY. It's very personal to you and you have to own the solution for yourself.

However, I know all about what it takes to manage your work life balance....

My wife routinely gets home at 11.30pm and leaves again for work at 7.30am. She's being doing that since September. Before that she'd get home at 8pm - which hardly counts as 'great' but at least it's before our children go to bed.

How do you survive that?

It takes effort and clarity of thought and a plan.

> The 3 minute video below reveals 3 things you need to be doing before you can truly make progress fixing your work life balance.

Need more inspiration? try these stories.

Will's story 

Matt's story 

No regrets 

It's time to be a real man.

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

WTF?! - a razor advert without any benefits or features?

Outrageous!

You may have noticed that this week saw the arrival of a new razor advert. Personally I was upset that it didn’t feature any benefits or features that would help me decide whether my recent decision to use an electric razor was a good decision or whether I had inadvertently become part of a movement.

It is a confusing time to be a man.

I watched the advert without first being aware of the controversy, other than a vague awareness of a Twitter trend - which while interesting can easily be a world to itself.

Notepad and pen out I watched and made notes. I watched it 3 times. I even had a ‘moment’ when I thought about the man I continually seek to be.

Make no mistake it can be a confusing time to be a man - the certainty (and straitjacket) of physical prowess, sole provider for your family and emotional resilience at all costs is being eroded, but it is being eroded by men themselves, because for so many men they want something different - they want equality for their talented partners, they want to be actively involved in raising their children and most importantly they realise they have a choice.

Masculinity is no longer defined by being the breadwinner or having the ability to “man up”. By a distance – among every age of man questioned – everyone agreed that the two most important qualities for modern males were “being present as a father” and “being strong in a crisis”.

Source : GQ Magazine - The State of Man 2018

Passing on the right values

At its heart the Gillette advert it’s an inspirational message about how Dads teach their sons right from wrong, how they pass on the right values by their own actions.

It goes further than that because it works as a call to arms for a new generation. We don’t have to accept and tolerate the bad behaviour of a small number of others who have tarnished our good name. It encourages men to take back the agenda – a fight back against the legitimate punches of #metoo.

✅ Real men don't turn a blind eye to bad behaviour and just laugh it off.

✅ Real men stand up for their values.

✅ They are proud to do the right thing.

It’s true, I didn’t need a brand positioning advert to tell me that.

I also think it was a bit problematic putting children play fighting in the same advert as sexual assault. But I get what they are saying - behaviours are learnt at a young age and your children are watching. Boys will be Boys but that doesn’t stop us encouraging them to be better versions of themselves.

I believe that some men let all men down.

Men (and women) have excused bad behaviour in the past, to paraphrase -

“All it takes for bad behaviour to flourish is for good men to do nothing.”

Of course I could be wrong…

The dislikes on You Tube have hit 965,000 - up 1,000 in the time it’s taken to write this.

“One of the most disgusting adverts I've ever seen”

“This ad is full of ultra left toxic masculinity ideology feminist propaganda”

Need someone to take your work life balance seriously?

If you are one of the 66% of men who identify “being present as a father” as the #1 most important quality for modern males then you get my help with your work balance by scheduling a call with me.

Piers and the Papoose

Don’t let Piers Morgan define what masculinity looks like

https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/1051707168490221568

Yesterday on Twitter Piers Morgan caused a ‘storm’ with this tweet. Contrasting 007 with the actor who plays the part and directly inferring that his behaviour (carrying his daughter in a sling) was in some way not masculine and at odds with his most famous role.

If I’m being honest, I’m of the opinion that Piers Morgan and that other delight, Katie Hopkins, are to a large extent professional wind up artists. It’s a role they play on social media.

In which case they should be easy to ignore…

However, as John Adams points out in his excellent blog when someone with an audience, a profile and the opportunity to shape opinion expresses views which have the potential create a negative effect on society, then it’s absolutely right that those views are challenged.

There are enormous benefits for children when Fathers are hands on in their lives and while we are slowly moving towards a situation in western society where being a hands on Dad is becoming normalised and aspirational, there is still a long way to go.

Masculinity comes in many forms and it’s important that young men and women see and celebrate that part of masculinity that is being an active and involved Dad.

Until we have true equality in parenting it remains important to brave the shouty nuance-free opinions on social media and continue to challenge those views that imply that caring for your children makes you are less of a man.

Work life balance getting in the way of being a great Dad?

maybe you need our free guide?

Joe Marler and Work Life Balance

Struggling with the demands of work and the demands of family?

Is it causing you stress, anxiety and a sense of letting everyone down?

After 59 caps, Joe Marler, England Rugby player decided to step away from the England set up "Being with England you have to spend an incredible amount of time away and I could not do that any more," he said.

He went one to say he was "looking forward to being able to give my wife and children more of my time".

After struggling with “the emotional and mental toll of being away from his family for long periods”, Marler choose to address it.

To work out whether it was all worth it.

Most of us are not going to reach the heights of international sport and the pressures on mind body and time that this brings, but we can all seek to understand why we do what we do and make sure it is all worth it.

Don’t keep putting your mental health at risk.

Start to be honest about what you really want and take action to get it.

As Joe Marler found, your honesty and integrity will gain you the respect of the people around you.

Eddie Jones, England Coach said

"He's a good guy - an honest, mature person who understands the demands of the game and the demands of family life. I have got to admire his honesty and the way he has gone about this."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/45659034

Photo credit - PA

Feeling like Joe Marler?

It’s time to plan your next steps