HELPING STRESSED DADS BALANCE WORK AND FATHERHOOD
5 Practical Tips to cope with the Impact of Fatherhood
This blog post walks you through 5 common practical impacts of fatherhood and gives you tips to navigate your way.
Practical Impacts of Fatherhood aka “You don't know what you don't know”
Becoming a dad for the first time can be tough, it doesn’t matter how many books you read you can’t know or be prepared for everything.
This blog post walks you through 5 common practical impacts of fatherhood and gives you tips to navigate your way.
· Sleep Deprivation
· Social Life
· Discrimination
· Money
· Mental Health
1) Sleep Deprivation
Did you know that babies aren't considered physically able to sleep through the night until they are at least 6 months old? Sure, you can get lucky - our first, Freya was an amazing sleeper, but she screamed all day due to her reflux!
While our babies can’t prioritise sleep, adults have a lot more control, but sometimes sleeping doesn’t appear to be a good use of our time and there is a danger that you put your entertainment time ahead of sleep in the evenings. Yes, we all need to unwind, but allowing that to eat into sleep time is going to counterproductive.
Consider my client Andy's observation:
"If you can prioritise you and your partners ability to sleep then a lot of the other things fall into place, it makes the hard stuff easier with a clear head. If you're both sleep deprived, it makes even the minor issues trigger points for disagreement."
While the excellent and thought-provoking book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker reminds us of the importance of sleep.
"It enhances your memory, makes you more attractive. It keeps you slim and lowers food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks and stroke, not to mention diabetes. You’ll even feel happier, less depressed, and less anxious."
2) Social Life (or not)
Photo Credit: @alevisionco via Unsplash
New parents’ lack of social life is a cliché for a reason. Life has changed, it won't be forever, but always remember that babies do not respect a hangover.
You need to think about three things
"Putting your oxygen mask on first"
Is it fair?
Time together
You need to look after yourself to be able look after other people. As they say when you fly, put your own oxygen mask on first. It's important to understand what social life / hobbies you need to stay happy and grounded. Then talk to your partner about how to arrange it and fit it in.
Think about fairness too.
When is your partner getting a break? Are you facilitating that process? If your partner says they don't want to do anything social, do you take the easy way out and stop asking or do you do everything you can to give them their own space? It can be very easy for new mums to put everyone else's needs first; part of your ‘job’ is to make sure that doesn't happen.
Consider the impact if you're pursuing your hobbies and social life and your partner isn't. It's a sure-fire way to create serious relationship tension.
Time together
It can be tricky in the early days to get time together away from your baby, but even if it's just for a few hours, while someone covers a nap, I guarantee the feeling of being partners and not just parents can be amazing if you let it.
Don't worry if you find yourself using that time to talk about your baby, we all do it!
Most importantly social life as a new parent requires planning and communication to ensure everyone gets the time "off" that they need, plus I think it's important to recognise and embrace how friendship groups change. You are going to find yourself becoming mates with the dads of your children's friends, embrace it!
3) Discrimination
There are split views on this – the TUC found a fatherhood bonus with dads getting promoted / earning more once they are fathers. Yet there is also research by remote meeting tech firm PowWowNow finding that dads also experience discrimination if they take time off to look after children:
👉 44% of fathers experienced discrimination in the workplace after exercising their right to take time off to look after their child.
👉 1 in 4 fathers suffered verbal abuse or mockery after taking time off to look after their children.
It’s really tough to be a woman though
Pregnant Then Screwed stats on pregnancy discrimination are eye opening and the combination of potential discrimination against any parent is particularly hard on dual income couples who both want to be active parents and have great careers.
Being clear on your priorities as an individual and as a family is key here. It might be tricky, but forging the right path for you will make you happier in the long run!
4) Money
Having a baby typically leads to more outgoings v potentially less income, you can quickly move from being a ‘DINKY’ couple (Dual Income No Kids Yet) into a ‘SITCOM’ (Single Income Two Children and Oppressive Mortgage).
But it’s no laughing matter if you aren’t prepared.
Do a budget, understand where all your money goes and what are needs and what are nice to haves. Additionally, you should have honest conversations about how you share income. Joint account or allowances? Whose income pays for what or is it all in one shared account?
It’s important to discuss money challenges because they are the number 1 reason marriages fail.
5) Mental Health
Mental health challenges in new dads are really common – the NCT report that “the number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population.”
It’s not surprising when the focus is naturally on mum and baby, and it can feel really important to be strong and supportive for them. It can also be difficult to open up to those close to you, especially if you are not used to it or aren’t comfortable being vulnerable with friends and family.
But it matters. Talking to someone can be life changing or lifesaving, because it’s tough being pulled in different directions.
Photo Credit: @picsea via Unsplash
The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid
Writing for Thriving Talent, I have a look at what dads want, the impact of Covid-19 on both men and women and look at why championing dads at work really does matter in 2021.
The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid
Happy Father's Day!
I've written a call to arms piece for Thriving Talent called 'The New Balance Of Work And Fatherhood Post Covid.'
I have a look at what dads want, the impact of Covid-19 on both men and women and look at why championing dads at work really does matter in 2021.
I talk well-being, equality at home and in the workplace and finish with 5 steps businesses need to take this year.
“Not only that, dads report improved mental health and better relationships with their families. The Fatherhood Institute Report – Lockdown Dads the Untold Story found that 65% of ‘partnered’ fathers “reported better father-child relationship following lockdown, rising to 73% among those who were full-time at home.”
As The Guardian reports, Dads have realised what they have been missing out on:
"If he’d been working his usual hours, he would have missed his son’s first giggle already. “That stopped me in my tracks,” he says. “I want these initial things. I want to see his first steps. I want his first words.”
It makes sense that happier dads will perform better at work and have better mental health, but supporting dads is also a route to gender equality.”
Photo Credit Bermix Studio v Unsplash @bermixstudio
Will dads continue to engage with flexible working post-Covid 19?
In this 2 parter for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
Will Dads Continue to engage with flexible working post-covid-19?
In this 2 parter written for Parent and Professional I look at working dads and flexible working post Covid 19.
I start with “why does “business” need dads to continue to be engaged in flexible working?”, considering the gender pay gap and mental health.
Then I get onto meaty topics such as
How do dads engage with flexible working?
What do men want?
What gets in the way of dads’ accessing flexible working?
What can we do to support dads’ access to flexible working?
5 key long-term steps to support flexible working for dads
You can Read the articles here:
Photo credit - Jonas Kakaroto @jkakaroto on Unsplash
Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?
Poor Work Life Balance contributes to poor mental health. But the solutions are out there.
More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.
3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.
"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December"
"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"
"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8"
How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?
The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.
Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.
But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels
GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".
While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.
It’s early days
The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.
Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.
“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”
Its pretty shocking.
Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.
Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.
This is what needs to happen.
✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.
✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.
✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.
Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.
Research backs this up…
It’s time to get help
As one guy in our FB group said
“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do.
But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."
It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.
Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.
Because you’re kids are only young once.
Matt’s Story - Learning To Priortise Being Present.
Exhaustion and learning to priortise being present
Career, Dad and Husband
I am a recruitment professional with challenging, busy and responsible job, often requiring me to work long hours and travel. When my children were little, the country was in recession and my income took a fairly heavy hit. Not only did I experience the worry of my livelihood, I also had the challenge of playing the three roles that are very familiar to most working fathers - the need to maintain career progression, the role of dad and also husband. This is a well-worn path, but it is fair to say that you are neither fully briefed nor prepared for it- I certainly felt a lot of pressure to be ’10 out of 10’ on all sides which left very little time nor energy to do anything properly.
The Struggle To Balance Everything
The dreaded ‘triple shift’ became a massive issue for me. I was coming in late from work with a head full of the day’s challenges and ongoing worries about the future and then expected to start job number 2 when I walked through the door; it was right that my wife had some respite from childcare, but switching off professional mode straight into Dad mode was tiring to say the least. As my son, particularly, was a poor sleeper, I had no real choice but to support Kate with the night shifts too - I felt duty-bound to support with night feeds and settling my children and as a result spent a very long time living on 3-4 hours sleep per night.
Physical and Mental Health Impacts
The net effect of this was obvious; I gradually became less and less capable of doing anything properly and felt depressed and anxious as a result. This was initially manageable with ‘mind over matter’, but overtime my performance at work suffered, as did my health. I gained c.2 stone in weight and lost any sense of personal well being. This in turn caused me to quit playing rugby which was an important outlet for me.
Learning To Live Better Lives
Fortunately, circumstances forced our hand. My wife was offered a part-time job (she is a teacher) and to cover the childcare, my boss allowed me to work part-time. This helped the business by reducing salary overheads and enabled my wife and I to gain a greater, first hand understanding of our relative lives at the time.
I learned how to be a stay-at-home dad (worth an essay in itself!) and my wife got to experience the balancing act that I felt I was experiencing. This change of perspective helped us massively and taught me how to be more natural with my children and worry less about work.
Bereavement, Exhaustion and Perspective
There were some other factors that changed my perspective; namely the tragic death of my mother, and also experiencing the impact of exhaustion. After a particularly challenging fortnight I collapsed in the office (I also had a series of bumps in the car) which made me take action. I made a commitment to myself to balance my work / life better and put less pressure on myself.
Mindset Change
Fortunately, during my time being a part-time worker, I met other parents whose priorities were different to mine and who were far more content with less. This took away my focus on earnings and my career.
Misplaced Loyalty To Work?
I also met a lot of people through work who had been made redundant during the recession. This had a major impact on me. I saw people who had outwardly done everything right; they had studied hard, got good jobs, prioritised careers and got to a point where they were earning really good money. They had put the company first despite the toll on their health.
When the economy turned, their companies let them go without any sentiment, in some situations without any form of parachute. This made me realise that despite what a company might do to look after people, when times get tough they will do what they have to do to survive; so in other words if you put work first to the detriment of life you might find yourself without either through no fault of your own!
Priorities And The Importance of Me Time
So essentially I made the decision to be more selfish with my time - if I go to sports day, the world will not stop turning. If I refuse a meeting a long way away, it’ll just get re-arranged at a more suitable time. If I get the train rather than drive, I’ll be home quicker etc.
I also trained as a rugby coach and now coach a successful women’s rugby team. This has been amazing for my personal sense of well-being. I have something that is just for me and whilst it does cause the odd argument at home, it stops my more negative behaviours that can self-sabotage at times.
My Life Now
Not perfect, but I’m more in control. Work-wise, I’ve accepted that I’m undergoing a sort of hiatus - my focus is less on my career, and more on my life as a whole. It’s true - I haven’t progressed my career, my earnings have stalled and I’m less fulfilled professionally, but I also have another 20 years to catch up, if and when I want to!
More Efficient And Effective
I’m far more efficient in what I do, more direct in the way I communicate with colleagues and far quicker to push back on demands I think are unreasonable. And guess what? I’m still effective in my job and delivering the results that are expected of me.
I Priortise Being Present
At home, I’m a much more present part of my children’s lives, and whilst I still miss out on a lot due to my working hours, I prioritise what is really important and my family appreciates that. The rugby gives me my ‘me time’ giving me a focus on a passion (and a team of 20+ women certainly keep me grounded!). The main area I need to further develop is my relationship – it’s very hard to keep a focus on that with so much else to do, but it’s a work in progress!
Matt’s Top Tips
Consider your life holistically – there is no point ‘winning’ at work, and ‘losing at home’
Your kids don’t care how much you earn. They care that you make it to their piano recital
Be positive about your job. I moan far too much about work in front of my kids- I need to inspire them to see me as a role model, even though I don’t feel like one sometimes
Find something you are passionate about and do it and protect it fiercely. It is not easy striking an appropriate balance, but your interests are important to you, and again, your kids will love this about you.
If your company is not progressive, leave and don’t look back. They will leave you if they have to too. This might mean a pay cut, but provided this doesn’t impact you too much, it might be the best decision you ever make.
Re-evaluate your status. There is no point being a Director with a fat salary at work, and inconsequential at home. Being a hero at home will make you happier!
If you have a story to share like Matt’s or Will’s I’d love to hear from you!
👉 If you need help with your Work Life Balance you can book a FREE call with a money back guarantee. To learn more CLICK here:
👉 Click here to get our FREE Top Tips Guide
Why take Shared Parental Leave?
Shared Parental Leave has the potential to deliver superb benefits for Dads, Mums and Society. It’s time to get properly behind it.
Why take Shared Parental Leave?
Since 2015 it has been possible for parents of new born or adopted children to share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you.
This post will explain the benefits of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and why it has the potential to be a game changer as we move to equal parenting opportunities. Opportunities that will allow Dads to spend much more time with their children.
More and more Dads want to spend time with their young children, even at the cost of their own careers. The choices you make before your children are even born will set the scene for the rest of your life.
Shared Parental Leave gives choice to families. Dads and partners don’t have to miss out on their baby’s first step, word or giggle – they can share the childcare, and share the joy.
Challenges and Opportunities
Aviva
The Insurance company Aviva has a policy that offers equal parental leave to men and women working at Aviva - up to 12 months in the UK, including 26 weeks at full pay.
As with all decisions around having children, returning to work, deciding who will looks after your children and for how long. There can challenges, especially with finances.
Unless you have an employer with enhanced parental leave policy >>
It’s important to consider
What sort of Dad do you want to be?
How do you want to be remembered?
What kind of relationship do you want to build with your children?
The mentality around the early years won’t change until we all accept mums and dads equally equipped to look after their offspring.
A case study for your inspiration.
Shared Parental Leave - The Benefits
1. Improved relationships with your children.
Proof of the bonds with my son (!) - ‘You are a Poo-Poo Head Daddy’
As a new Dad, the time you spend building relationships with your young children is priceless. The potential is there to create brilliant early bonding experiences, they might not remember the details but those bonds will be there forever and you get to be the type of Dad you wanted to be.
I found, too, that it strengthened the bond between my son and me. He became less crazy-sleepysuit-of-madness and more of a little buddy. And when I came to be the one who was there when he was hungry or tired or had bonked his head, the more he understood I was a source of comfort, too. That effort has lasted into his toddler years and, I hope, long beyond that.
Adam Dewar - The Guardian
2. Practical and emotional support for each other.
The prevailing wisdom is that Maternity Leave is wonderful time for mothers to bond with their babies, but many women struggle with the emotional and practical challenges of looking after babies, especially if they have other children too.
Post Natal Depression is very common among women and likely to be under-reported in men. Sharing leave either together or separately could literally be a lifesaver.
The peak time for postnatal depression in men is three to six months after the birth . As with postnatal depression in mums, it often goes unreported. The symptoms can look a lot like the everyday stresses of having a newborn .
Source: NCT
My own experience of the first 6 months of our first baby’s life was of phoning my wife each lunchtime and fearing hearing how she had struggled that morning with our reflux suffering daughter.
Click here for more on benefits of SPL for Mums.
By sharing the parenting duties you’ll be sharing the mental load and improving gender equality at home.
3. earlier return to the workplace for your partner
It’s not necessarily going to be your priority as a couple, but SPL could be a powerful tool.
Rather than one parent taking 8 months of out work - with the associated practical and long term pay challenges this can lead to (aka the Motherhood Penalty). You both take 4 months.
Your partner can get back to the career she loves, knowing that the little one is in great hands. While you get the benefits of bonding with your kids.
The longer anyone is out of the workplace the harder it is to return. By sharing leave and care it allows women to return to the workplace earlier if they want by supporting a more seamless transition back to the workplace.
4. You’ll be happier
If you are one of the many many Dads who wants to more involved in the lives of his young family then being able to take that opportunity and not feel frustrated and left out is so important.
By normalising Dads looking after children, you’ll be a leader of men, with all the fame, fortune and kudos that brings. Plus you’ll get to discover Octonauts, one of the best kids TV ever produced.
5. Reduce the Gender Pay Gap
This is the big picture really.
✅ Doing what you want - looking after your young children.
✅ Your partner doesn’t have to spend so long away from the workplace.
✅ Female progression in the workplace becomes more likely as employers can’t assume that it is only women who take time off when couples have children. They will have to treat talent equally.
True equality is gained by having true equality of choice of parenting.
“Better gender balance makes business more successful. The McKinsey Global Institute (2015) estimated that a scenario in which women achieve complete gender parity with men could increase global output by more than one-quarter relative to a business-as-usual scenario.
Source: Axis Network.
Shared Parental Leave - Next Steps
If this looks like something you would like to do we have a few key steps:
Find out what your firm’s policy is.
Find out and talk to people in your business who have taken SPL.
Run the UK Government Calculator.
Talk to New Dads. Build a network and discuss your options.
Talk to your partner - be honest about what you want to do
Understand what you can afford to do.
Compare the financial investment v the benefits you’ve learnt.
SPL pays currently £145.18 per week or 90 per cent of average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. Where employers haven’t extended enhanced maternity schemes to SPL, it often doesn’t make financial sense for the father, who typically earns more, to take SPL.
Shared Parental Leave - The Facts
Below is a summary of the UK government rules - for full details click here.
*** There are some differences in the eligibility of Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP). Please use the calculator or check the government guidance.
Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child.
Some assumptions
To keep this simple we are talking about SPL for Dads of newborns.
Overview
You can share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you. The mother is obliged to take two weeks’ leave, but following that, it would be up to the couple as to how they split the remaining 50 weeks – 37 with statutory pay of up to £145.18 a week.
You need to share the pay and leave in the first year after your child is born or placed with your family.
You can use SPL to take leave in blocks separated by periods of work or take it all in one go.
You can also choose to be off work together or to stagger the leave and pay.
Eligibility
To be eligible for Shared Parental Leave (SPL) and Statutory Shared Parental Pay (ShPP), both parents must:
Share responsibility for the child at birth.
Meet work and pay criteria - these are different depending on which parent wants to use the shared parental leave and pay
If both parents want to share the SPL and ShPP
You and your partner must:
Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time you got pregnant).
Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.
Be ‘employees’ (not ‘workers’).
Each earn on average at least £116 a week.
If, as the mother’s partner, you want to take the SPL and ShPP
The mother must:
Have been working for at least 26 weeks (they do not need to be in a row) during the 66 weeks before the week the baby’s due.
Have earned at least £390 in total across any 13 of the 66 weeks.
You must:
Have been employed continuously by the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the due date (this is around the time the mother got pregnant).
Stay with the same employer while you take SPL.
Be an ‘employee’ (not a ‘worker’).
Earn on average at least £116 a week.
Confused yet?
Use this calculator to check if you can get leave or pay when you have a child
When can you start?
You can only start Shared Parental Leave (SPL) or Shared Parental Pay (ShPP) once the child has been born or placed for adoption.
The mother (or the person getting adoption leave) must either:
Return to work, which ends any maternity or adoption leave
Give their employer ‘binding notice’ of the date when they plan to end their leave (you cannot normally change the date you give in binding notice)
You can start SPL while your partner is still on maternity or adoption leave as long as they’ve given binding notice to end it.
(You can give binding notice and say when you plan to take your SPL at the same time.)
Ian Dinwiddy, Founder
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Discover 3 key pillars to create a compelling business case for enhanced parental leave.