Lockdown, from burn out to muddling through

Lockdown, From Burn out to Muddling through

I’ve written a piece for Parental Choice about my personal story of lockdown. It’s a tale of practical prep - aka buying better internet and a new freezer and what happens when your kids choose movie night film - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 anyone? thought not!

I discuss these topic areas:

• Practical steps to cope with lockdown

• Boundaries

• Then the wheels came off

• Keeping it simple

• Making lockdown work

It’s true, it all got too much at times…

“That Saturday and Sunday rota lasted about 4 weeks until I had a massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out. I was sat on the sofa at 6.15 in the morning unable to make any sense of what I should be doing. I reached for my underused but important fall back - the journal and wrote down how I felt and what I needed to do.”

But the future can be a brighter world:

“Embedding the benefits of more involved dads will take great effort in an uncertain economy, with childcare and school provision under threat. But if couples intentionally design their lives to ensure the domestic and working load is spread evenly, then society has a great chance to use lockdown as opportunity to create greater equality at home and in the workplace for years to come.”

Read the article here:

https://www.parentalchoice.co.uk/blogs/lockdown-from-burn-out-to-muddling-through/

3 Ways New Dads Can Make Life Less Stressful

3 Ways New Dads Can make life less stressful

In this first post for Thriving Parents I reflect back on my experience as new dad and make three key recommendations to help new dads reduce their stress.

“It can be a really brutal learning curve, especially first-time round. In fact, I think it’s worse than most people believe it’ll be. In hindsight we Dads are painfully ill equipped to deal with the emotional and practical complexity of fatherhood.”

1. Make plans together

2. Ask for what you need

3. Pay attention to your partner’s daily pressure points

If you want to know exactly what these mean and how to implement click on this link and read on:

https://www.thriving-parents.com/blog/3-ways-new-dads-can-make-life-less-stressful

Photo Credit - Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash @gift_habeshaw

Fatherhood Matters: Changing the Culture for Working Dads

On Friday the 10th July, “Four Fab Fathers” came together as guests of Rachel Vecht, founder of Educating Matters.

Like ageing pop stars, we jostled with top billing and soundbites. Early attendees were treated to the sort of behind the scenes banter and rubbish jokes that you would expect from 4 white middle class dads (mostly in their 40s!)

Joking aside, the webinar was such a success we broke the internet – well Zoom had a technical issue that unexpectedly and annoyingly capped live attendees at 100. Lockdown maybe easing but technology shenanigans are still waiting to catch people out.

Contributors were Brian Ballantyne, Dan Reed, James Millar and myself, Ian Dinwiddy

Quotes throughout were taken anonymously from the chat box.

Access Password: 5w!B=*i!

---

Positives of Lockdown

James talked about time with his family, while recognising that isn’t a positive for everyone – depending on relationship tensions and available space, but for him real quality time without any fear of missing out and being able to eat flavoured crisps without their air pollution hampering face to face meetings!

Brian appreciated the chance to decompress, relishing the lack of a stressful commute.  

Dan reflected on the unprecedented chance to spend time with his daughter, just turned 1, experiencing her milestones and being there for bedtime. In broader terms he made a great point about the democratisation of individual voices, with face to face opportunities likely to remain limited, location is no longer seen a disadvantage.

For me it was about the opportunity to invest in family time – weekend walks, movie night and eating together every day. We were all grateful and understanding of the privilege to have space inside to work and outside space to play.

Poll: What is the biggest challenge for working fathers?

A culture of presenteeism was the ‘winner’ with 42%, ahead of options

• choice of flexible working denied,

• fear of job loss and

• obstructive line manager.

Here is selection of other challenges identified in the live chat

“Fear of cultural stereotype and social judgement”

“Sexism, managers, male and female, assuming that it should be a woman looking after children”

“Fear of Job Loss – if you’re not available then it’s not viewed upon ‘favourably’ “

“I think working Dad’s themselves are part of the problem in recognising their own journey, its challenges and being willing to reach out for help”

Challenges of Lockdown

Moving onto a discussion on the challenges of lockdown, James found it hard to find time to yourself and your own thoughts – despite the benefits of being together as a family there was a recognition from all of us that your own physical and emotional space really matters.

In contrast to Brian, Dan had found himself missing the commute – his time to listen to a podcast, play on the Switch or read. Instead replaced by zero commute time and a flip from “family mode” to “work mode” at 08:59 without so much as 15 minutes of mindfulness.

Brian’s comment about a “Maslow reset” (Hierarchy of Needs) resonated in the comments with worries about basic needs such as health, food (and toilet paper) having taken priority in the psyche.

We had all found it tricky to set and maintain barriers between work and home life, while at the same time accepting that one of the key ways for everyone to survive the process was to accept a degree of blend between work and family life, no matter how messy that could get.

What are the implications of the experience of working flexibly and remotely during lockdown for dads in future?

What key lessons can we take from this experience?

After these initial thoughts Rachel took us into bigger topics around flexible and remote working for dads, as Dan noted, many men see formal flexible working as “for mums.”

You can see why when last year Daddilife’s “Millennial Dad At Work” survey found that 63% of men surveyed had requested some form of flexibility, but of those who requested working from home (1-2 days a week), less than 1 in 5 of those were successful in their request (19%).

This isn’t flexible working

Early in lockdown James wrote an article pointing out that this version of remote working was not working from home and Dan echoed that point.

There’s nothing flexible about being forced to work from home in a space you share with your family and with school, formal childcare and informal family babysitting being taken away in one fell swoop.

My own experience of coaching and mentoring dads during Lockdown tells me that despite the practical and emotional challenges of lockdown, dads have also seen the benefits of being much more active and involved parents. They don’t want to return to the working structures of 2019, they want to design something that fits around their family life.

I think that that says a lot for just how broken the system has been, when, despite everything, a man in a 2 bed flat with a young baby tells you he wants to work from home regularly in the future.

Benefits

I think that despite the chaos, stress, and tension of this surreal version of remote working, we’re learning something what single dads have always known –  that breadwinner and carer are not separate roles.

As Michael Ray https://michaelray.com.au/ pointed out in the comments:

“My current bug-bear is the preponderance of equality advocates who are too eager to classify bread-winning as somehow separate to care giving rather than a vital part of it which has allowed employers to be wilfully blind to parental responsibilities”

This messy, though ultimately rewarding, blend of work and life maybe be flawed but we want more of it.

Assumptions have flipped

Brian mused that the default has flipped. For office-based workers the default was office, with possibly some home / coffee shop / remote location and now we’ve gone the other way.

Yes there are consequences, as LinkedIn Change Maker John Adams pointed out this week, while major city / town centres and public transport firms will struggle in a new world of remote working, it does create an opportunity to rebalance the economy away from tax efficient corporate entities and into the hands of the local cafes and restaurants for instance.

Choice

Ultimately it needs to be about choice. Giving dads some sort of choice as to where to work to meet business and family objectives.

As James said recently, this is the route to “help fathers thrive and companies succeed.”

Not everyone wants to be in the office all the time, not everyone wants to be at home all the time, my wife (lawyer) is case in point. As part of writing this, I asked her what her ideal would be – 3 days in the London office, 2 days at home. But currently the 35-minute train journey isn’t very appealing…

At this point another poll Rachel ran showed – 82% planned to work more flexibility than pre-covid.

What guidance would you give to companies looking to support working dads and improve their experience at work, so they are able to be great employees and great dads?

Ditch the assumptions

My response was stop assuming that working dads don’t have caring responsibilities or desires to be more involved in their children’s lives.

It’s so important to dig deep and have proper time-consuming human to human conversations to understand what sort of support each employee needs. The pressure and tension a dad might be facing as he tries to juggle his responsibilities may not be obvious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Men have become adept at concealing the pressure they face, presenting a face of devotion to their business.

Companies need to treat everyone as individuals and understand that caring responsibilities aren’t just for mums. That sort of lazy thinking creates a 2-tier system that does nothing for gender equality, mental health or productivity.

From the chat box:

“Managers are key here. They should understand the individual’s needs and encourage them to flex in the way they need to. Plus, role model themselves.”

Understand intersectionality

This comment from the chat illustrates how the mental health pressures that dads face collides with ethnicity:

“Sadly, I was signed off because of the extreme pressure and now there is another dad (a good friend) with 2 small children, he’s been signed off for 4 weeks (I was signed off for 2 weeks). Being the only black man in the office, I feel all your pressure plus…”

Understand the effect of school holidays – especially in 2020

It’s especially important at the moment – school summer holidays have started, and the vast majority of childcare settings are shut, plus large numbers of grandparents will still be shielding until at least 1st August.

Now is the time for business to understand the childcare responsibilities and support needs for all of their staff.

Tap into empathy

James talked about companies being both mindful of the return work challenges of returning from furlough AND also seeing it as an opportunity to improve empathy towards maternity returners amongst others.

“I’ve been on shared pat leave it is obviously great but a real eye opener for the bump back to work post maternity leave”

Identify and celebrate senior male role models

Working dads take their signals on behaviour from their male leadership.

Brian talked about changing to a more authentic version of himself, becoming a role model for active and involved fatherhood – blogging about fatherhood. His view was that if you can’t be yourself, consider if your company is the right place for you anyway.

But Dads do need to ask…

Lockdown has improved the awareness of personal circumstances and an element of everyone being in a similar boat. Communication has been enhanced, through the lens of Zoom it’s become more personal. Now more than ever is the time to future proof your life.

To ask for the long-term flexible working patterns you and your family need. If you’re a working dad with a working partner, what happens if you don’t push back?

Who picks up the pieces? Who looks after the children?

The good news is that good businesses will want to help.

So, if not now, then when?

Dads face risk

“The difficulty with asking for flexibility is that you worry that if the answer is no, then there will be further consequences in terms of career opportunities in future… I’m ashamed to say that I’ve put this (Zoom) in my calendar as a “private” meeting so my team can’t see what I’m doing at the moment.”

But we need to keep shouting about the benefits of flexible working.

Not just shouting because as James said on our podcast, it’s harder to be heard with a face mask on…

• Productivity Benefits

• Mental Health Benefits for the whole family

• Achievement benefits for our children

• Improved relationships with partners = happier employees

• Saving money on commuting

• Saving money on office space

Don’t feel guilty about being a dad. Speak up, because it might be easier than you think.

“Sometimes things you think others would find difficult are actually OK, but we are worried what others would think”

“Yes, if we didn’t worry about what people thought, we would just ask for it.”

Enhanced Parental Leave is so important.

Shared Parental Leave suffers because families can’t afford to use it and it is dependent on a transfer of rights (usually from a woman to man)

James talked about the benefits Aviva found with 6-month full paid gender neutral parental leave – giving others the opportunity to step up and improving the skjills and capability of the business.

Gender neutral leave is also really important for same sex relationships:

“I’m a mother in a same sex relationship and because I wasn’t the pregnant one, I was also only entitled to two weeks paid time off (despite breastfeeding!) The policy documents that applied to me were named “paternity” policies.”

This comment hit the nail on the head:

“Puppies aren’t just for Christmas and dads aren’t just for parental leave – both have ongoing needs and responsibilities. Too many organisations are patting themselves on the back after providing a shared parental leave policy and then frowning when dad requests to attend school sports day, lipstick on a pig”

Finally, in one-word what would like to see happen in the workplace for dads.

James – Awareness

Ian – Mentoring

Rachel – Communication

Brian – Authenticty

Dan – Openness

Photo credit: Limor Zellermayer via Unsplash @limorganon

How To… Fix Your Work Life Balance and save your Relationship

How to… fix your work life balance and save your relationship

Real men, real stories

“Lockdown”, “Furlough”, “Self Isolation”… Covid is the gift that keeps giving.

Relationships are under pressure like never before - stress, worry and physical confinement are a heady cocktail of ingredients for relationship trauma.

But, it WILL get better and then you’ll have a massive opportunity.

The New Reality

With so many men spending a lot more time at home, physically away from the regular work environment, we're in the midst of a massive upheaval and redefinition of who does what around the home.

and this includes parenting...

The world tends to assume that only mums are able to look after children and men can't do that role. It's incredibly damaging for relationships, choice and opportunity.

Men don't feel able to be anything other than "all in" for work and women struggle with trying to do everything for everyone.

At the moment the emotional and mental load are cranked up to 11 and men need to step up to the domestic plate in a way that we might not ever have had to before.

Photo credit: Matthew Rader via Unsplash @matthew_t_rader

The opportunity

But I have faith in our ability to take on those domestic roles that society doesn’t believe we can do and then we can change the entire conversation about what it means to be a dad.

We aren’t just breadwinners. We’re stand-in teachers, cooks, ironing machines and leaders and to continue the amazing benefits we’ve already experienced when we merging our work and home lives we’re going to need better work life balance.

Not just to be a hero to our kids and being there for the moments that matter, but taking on our fair share around the house.

This will be the opportunity to fix your work life balance once and for all and be the hands on, active and involved father you don’t remember growing up.

Don’t get me wrong, our dads did their best, but it that was a different time and you want to be a different type of dad.

If Covid-19 has taught us one thing, it’s that many of us don’t HAVE to be in the office to do our jobs. Technology and a can do attitude are powerful tools to create a new way of working.

A way that allows us to the type of dad you always wanted to be.

It’s time to fix your work life balance and save your relationship

⭐ You’ll need to be honest about what is truly important to you.

⭐ Learn to communicate effectively as a couple, so that everyone’s needs are met.

⭐ Understand the financial trade-offs you might need to make to ALL be happy.

⭐ Dedicate time to focusing on what is really important to your family.

Let these men Inspire You with Their real stories

1) Sean’s story

Doctor Sean and his family left London 18 months ago to escape to the country.

He made the decision to trade some professional kudos and financial reward for a life in the country, seeing his kids every night for dinner and bedtime plus most weekends. They choose to move to a part of the country where they have family close by for help and social life.

In contrast Sean’s London peers are out working all day, everyday and don’t get to see their kids.

After trying a couple of different work patterns, he and his wife have decided that the best combination of professional progress, income and family time are for Sean to work M, T, Th, F plus 3 in 4 Wednesdays and 1 in 4 Saturdays.

“This will be an income hit but I will at least be able to take the kids to school once a month and have most weekends with them.”

To support his work life balance Sean tries to work a bit smarter, allowing him to leave on time. He is also stricter with his home time - he has stopped answering emails etc out of work hours which he has found surprisingly liberating!

Challenges

“It’s difficult because I need to put the graft in now to make a name for myself, meaning more work will come my way at more convenient times, rather than working the graveyard Saturday shift.

But nothing has changed our underlying vision for how we wanted to live our lives”

2) Insight from Adam - how much money do you actually need?

Adam used to work in the Financial Services industry, he’s now part time in the building trade.

“Ian, you’ve no idea how much money I earnt two years ago, but I gave it up mate, gave it up for the kids, because wanted to spend time with them now.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t go back, but right now it matters to be there for them”

3) Will took action before it was too late

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

Will’s full story is here.

4) A warning from Toby

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

Toby and his wife are separated and to a large extent due to a failure to sort out their work life balance.

Things those guys know, and you need to know…

1. Be honest about what is truly important to you.

2. As a couple you must communicate and agree your priorities.

3. Do the maths - work out the financial trade offs you need to make.

4. Have a plan to stay focused on what is important.

That’s all great Ian but HOW do I actually achieve better work life balance?

get our free PDF and learn How to Implement Our Top Ten Tips to get control of your work life balance.

✅ Stop wasting time and find out what is really causing your work / life stress.

✅ Take control of your working life and avoid burning out.

✅ Reduce your stress - sleep and eat better, gain more energy for your relationships and playing with your children.

✅ Learn what are your real options and rights are, not just what your boss thinks!

✅ Evaluate what type of Dad you want to be and USE this to decide what you want.

✅ Checklist of the steps you need to take to be READY to get what you want.

✅ PLUS - get organised, manage your time and be there when you're there.

“Happier, Healthier and more Heroic.”

Get your free download today - no sign up required!

PS

If you want to know why I know what I’m talking about you can read my story here.

My Story - Why I Do, What I Do

My Story - Why I Do, What I Do.

(Updated in Jan 2022)

Three events and experiences shape what I do today with Inspiring Dads.

1) Growing up with Multiple Sclerosis

It was 1987, I was 11 years old and living in Taunton, Somerset, the medium sized market town I was born in. A comfortable existence, our parents grew their own fruit and vegetables in the allotments that backed onto our semi detached home, my grandparents had been dairy farmers and summers were all about cricket.

Our life was about to be turned upside down by Multiple Sclerosis, a cruel and debilitating disease. From a distance I see how treatment and diagnoses has come on leaps and bounds, but in the late 1980s medical professionals seemed at a loss as to how to treat the condition. For mum the idea of remission was a pipe dream - she had bad days and worse days. She went down hill pretty quickly, within what felt like months, she couldn’t leave the house without her wheelchair. We moved to a bungalow, got a converted car, learnt where the drop down kerbs were and practiced the skill of gently (!) tilting the chair back to negotiate the lips and edges that dominate our urban environments.

My teenage years fundamentally changed how I saw the role of men and males in the home. My dad, my brother and I couldn’t coast along relying on mum to do things for us. We had different responsibilities than most boys our age, we went on different holidays, we had to think about different things. It was just how it was.

In hindsight it was the type of domestic equality that I advocate today.

Our Mum, Ann, died in August 2008, aged 61. I still never, ever, park in disabled bays - even if “no one needs them.”

2) 2010 - New Dad, New Worries

It was 3am when I held our daughter, Freya for the first time and I knew nothing was going to be the same again.

I made secret promises to her, her little eyes piercing my soul. Promises I hoped I’d be able to keep. Promises about what sort of Dad I would be… Wanting to make Mum proud.

But not knowing what the hell I was doing!

Worrying that I would drop my daughter was just the first thing!

Would we have enough money? One income and lots of extra costs! I was worried I couldn’t be a great Dad and have a great career. Worried our relationship would take 2nd place to our children. Worried we’d just be parents, not partners. I’d have to grow up – no more spontaneous trips to the pub with the boys. No more gaming and an end to social life?

I muddled along as best I could.

Wanting to be there with our baby. But then wanting to be somewhere else. Because no-one tells you how boring life can be with a new-born. Everything arranged around nap time! But throughout I knew one thing for sure.

I wanted to be a different type of Dad.

I wanted to share responsibilities with my wife. We wanted an equal marriage, and the opportunity was there. I went to 4 days a week and then after 6 months of maternity leave, my wife, Lisa, went back to work as a lawyer - I took on the nappies and the naps. 9 months of full time baby things.

Without work I was worried people would see me as a less of a man.

Doing “women’s work” – not providing for my family.

I remember telling people I was a management consultant - stay at home dad was just a temporary job!

I got patronised by old ladies in the supermarket, ignored by the mums who couldn’t get their heads round it and treated with suspicion by the dads who were ‘real men’, out to work. Men who thought I was out to hit on their wives.

But I met some guys who got it.

Who structured their working lives around their children, understood the amazing but limited opportunity we had to shape and guide our little people. Because they are only young once.

The importance of work and identity

I did some freelance work – kept my hand in 2 / 3 days a week – earnt some good money. My skills and expertise were needed. I was needed. I had a way of earning money and being an involved father. I also had the chance to umpire hockey matches on Saturdays - working towards the top domestic level in England, identity driven by sporting excellence.

I had what I wanted. Right?

But I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

I couldn’t be a management consultant anymore. Not with the travel and the hours. Being a great dad wasn’t the temporary gig. Consultancy was the temporary gig.

I'm a guy, so ‘naturally’ I didn't share my anxiety with anyone, but wrestling with these dilemmas took some of the joy out of becoming a Dad. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to start nursery, so I didn’t have to look after her for 5 days in a row. I was struggling to balance the conflict of wanting to be there and wanting to work.

The certainty of my previous existence had gone. The uncertainty and the lack of clear purpose was depressing at times. I should have felt happier, but it was not a problem I could easily solve. How to be a great dad AND have a great career?

And then the worst thing happened

3) George and Paul Burke 2012

I learnt that Paul Burke, “Burkey”, a university hockey mate had died. His 1 year old son, George, had suddenly died and lacking support in a system that didn’t know how to help suddenly bereaved parents he was overcome with grief, self blame and post-traumatic stress. He took his own life 5 days later.

It put everything into context.

Everything can change in an instant and having somewhere to turn is vital.

Men need to support each other and connect, tell stories and practice being vulnerable.

I set up an annual hockey match in memory of Paul. To remember him, to connect with old mates and to raise money for 2 Wish, the charity that his widow, and now my friend, Rhian Mannings, MBE, Pride of Britain winner founded. Out of a great tragedy we take the opportunity to connect. Now, 10 years on we also take the time to remember and celebrate the lives two more hockey friends - Jonathan ‘Bob’ Cheek and Deep Bolina.

The Three Bs.

2015

2021

Inspiring Dads

I was 11 years old when our mum’s multiple sclerosis broke any domestic gender role expectations I might have had as a young teenager in a family of males.

At 33, becoming a dad showed me how challenging the early stages of fatherhood can be - identity, anxiety and mixed emotions, it also demonstrated that work and ‘status’ don’t define a man.

I was 35, in 2012, when 1 year old George Burke’s sudden death, followed 5 days later by the suicide of his dad, my friend, Paul, showed how fragile life can be. The devastation these events caused, painfully illustrates the importance of both crisis support for mental health trauma and normalising men feeling comfortable talking about their emotions, worries and pressures.

Ultimately coaching has shown me a way to help.

The Mission

To help HR leaders support a new generation of dads as they navigate the vital early years of fatherhood. Creating structures and support that facilitate a redefinition of traditional, potentially divisive gender stereotypes around “breadwinning” and “caring”, helping new dads to be the hands-on, active and involved fathers they don’t necessarily remember growing up.

Coaching, mentoring and the creation of safe spaces is good for dads’ well-being and mental fitness, improves equality at home and at work and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like in the workplace.

Ultimately the mission to help men to solve this crucial question:

How to be a great dads, without sacrificing a great career?

Our Vision

Equal parental Leave rights, enshrined in law, for all.

---

Important things that I’ve learnt…

1. Becoming a new dad is one of the most profoundly challenging experiences that men will ever go through.

2. Other people’s judgement can’t matter, doing what is right for you and your family is what matters.

3. Being male doesn’t insulate you from domestic responsibilities.

4. You can’t predict when everything is going to change.

5. Men need to know It’s ok to talk - being vulnerable and knowing where to turn might save your life.

Let Bill Gates be your guide this summer

Summer holidays – six weeks of freedom, no homework and unlimited fun. Woo hoo!!!

For the parents of primary school age children it can be a tricky and challenging time, juggling working lives and trying to be there to create and share great memories.

I remember the shock of realising that the all year round nursery provision that we’d got used to just didn’t happen anymore – two weeks off at Christmas, two more at Easter and six weeks in the summer (not forgetting half terms!) My kids are nine and six now and I’ve mostly worked it out.

How does it work?

A mix of holiday camp, sharing playdates, staying with grandparents and a proper family holiday. Plus that important memory making time – though not everyday because let’s be frank, it’s tiring and can be expensive…

In most households even if both parents work it’ll be the mum who works out the logistics and crucially the mum who seeks out flexible working for that summer period. And that can be a big problem for everyone. (It’s not always the mum of course, in our household, I work flexibly in my own business while my wife is full time – and then some – so I own the summer holiday spreadsheet. It’s a real thing).

Surveys find that men repeatedly say that they want to be engaged, active and hands on fathers, and why wouldn’t you? It’s great for your children, great for you and great for your partner.

Leadership

I think we all aspire to lead at some level. As the summer holidays start, it’s the perfect time to step up your dad game and become a leader. To seek out the flexible working and the ‘flying solo’ holiday time that you’ll reap the benefits of for years to come.

Your partner needs you to make more effort, your kids want to spend time with you and since it’s the summer holidays loads of people will be away from work in any event. It’s an open goal.

Stuck at work when the sun is shining. No thanks.

‘Bill Gates is driving his child to school; you can, too’

Thinking about doing it on the sly? Don’t.

If you are any sort of role model you need to show other dads that it’s possible to be committed to work and committed to your family. They may not have the confidence or the opportunities that you have – you owe it to them to show the way.

Do what Bill Gates did. His wife Melinda explained…

“When Jenn started kindergarten in the fall of 2001, we found a school that was ideal for her, but it was thirty or forty minutes away and across a bridge, and I knew I would be driving back and forth from home to school twice a day.

When I complained to Bill about all the time I would be spending in the car, he said, “I can do some of that.” And I said, “Seriously? You’ll do that?” “Sure,” he said. “It’ll give me time to talk with Jenn.

So Bill started driving. He’d leave our house, drop Jenn at school, turn around, drive back past our neighborhood and on to Microsoft. Twice a week he did that.

About three weeks in, on my days, I started noticing a lot of dads dropping kids off in the classroom. So I went up to one of the moms and said, “Hey, what’s up?

There are a lot of dads here.” She said, “When we saw Bill driving, we went home and said to our husbands, ‘Bill Gates is driving his child to school; you can, too’ “.

When you think of all the benefits of being there with your kids, being creative with your work schedule is only one small step for a man, but done right it could be a giant leap for ‘man’kind.

PS

Once you’ve got summer flexible working up and running you can have a think about how to use that time productively to equalise some of the household chores for your inspiration you can read something I wrote before about that here!

Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?

More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.

3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.

"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December" 

"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... ​Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"

"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8" ​

How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?

The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.

Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.

But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.

Source - Working Families 2018

It’s early days

The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.

Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.

“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”

Its pretty shocking.

Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.

Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.

This is what needs to happen.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase. 

Research backs this up…

It’s time to get help

As one guy in our FB group said 

“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do. 

But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."

It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.

Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.

Because you’re kids are only young once.

Top Tip - How can You be Content with Your Work Life Balance?

✅ Don’t Try to Separate Your ‘Work’ from your ‘Life.’

Well you can try, but it’ll cost you…

Last week I spoke to Kevin, a member of our FREE Facebook group. After a couple of years of false starts and jobs that aren't really what he wants, he's looking for a new job again. One of the first things he told me was that he was working with a career coach. I asked him why did he book a call with me then? (the last thing I want to do is confuse matters)

He explained that he felt he had the “work” side of this life under control - getting help with getting a new job, but that he thought it was worth talking to someone about "normal life".

It stuck me as interesting that he was treating "work" and "life" as two different compartments of his life, but I'll admit I didn't think too much about it at the time until a conversation later that week.

Kevin went on to describe some of his struggles…

> Not the person I was.

> Not sleeping well.

> Drinking too much.

> Feeling stuck.

These aren't topics easily solved by just getting your CV rewritten.

They are tackled by being honest with yourself and your partner about what it takes for you all to be happy and content and knowing your direction.

In fact it can be a bit like building a skyscraper without first checking what sort of foundations you’ll need. First sign of trouble and the whole lot could come crashing down.

It’s about the whole of your life.

The conversation I had was with Jessica Chivers from Talent Keepers.

She told me that women were able to get so much more out of coaching than men because they understood that coaching is about creating the headspace and time to explore the whole of their lives, not just the part of their lives that they spend working.

Coaching is about removing the barriers to your performance, however those barriers are created. The best coaches help you make sense of the entirety of your life and that is so important when you are a Working Dad, pulled in different directions by the range of responsibilities and expectations you are given or put upon yourself.

Think about it

👉 When you speak to your boss, you talk about work...
👉 When you speak to your wife, you talk about the kids…
👉 When you speak to Dave down the pub you talk about sport...

You get the picture. It’s a set of silos.

We don’t make it easy for ourselves do we?

We try and neatly compartmentalise our lives and wonder why trying to do the best in every area causes us stress.

The truth is it’s very difficult to give yourself fully to every part of your life at the same time. You need to focus on what is important to you and your family - sometimes it’ll be putting the time and effort into work - to provide. Other times it’ll be about being there for your young children.

✅ You need to work out your personal priorities and then match those up to your partner’s priorities. It’s about shared priorities…

But you can no more ignore your family life when you thinking about your work than I can ignore the fact I have to walk out the door at 3pm to collect our children from school. > My story

What happens when you ignore your work life balance?

Well to be honest you can ignore it but someone else will pick up the slack.

It'll be your partner and she won't like it. She'll be sitting a dark house, with the kids in bed, reflecting on the career and ambition she gave up while you have a really important networking meeting after work. 

"I gave up so much, the least he could do is try to be home. We just don’t see him and I sit in an empty house at night after I’ve put the kids to bed."

This woman later posted "Congrats, Let's catch up" on LinkedIn to mark her husband's work anniversary. 

As ‘Toby’ once told me

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents. 
But hey - we live and learn, eh?!” 

THIS IS HOW YOU START TO MAKE SENSE OF the different parts of your life:

If you want to be happy, content and know your direction, then you need to start by completing the Wheel of Life exercise.

✅ Take each element and decide how satisfied you are now. 10 is very satisfied.

✅ Make a mark on the chart and repeat for each area.

✅ Join the dots.

✅ Imagine it was a wheel. How smooth or rough would the ride be?

** no sign up needed.

Don't leave it too late the get a handle on it, your kids are only young once.

P.S.

Click here to find out why talking to someone can help you make progress.

James Frith - MP and a Dad of 4.

James Frith MP and Dad of 4

Proxy voting and Pairing

Until very recently MPs had to be present in parliament in order to vote, a recent high profile news story made parliament take note of it’s own procedures and at the end of the ensuing debate that changed parliamentary procedures, I saw James Frith speak powerfully in favour of equality for Dads.

We met last week in the House of Commons and I asked him how he juggles his responsibilities as a father of 4, husband and MP representing Bury North.

How do you juggle those very different responsibilities?  

James:                  It's a good question. So, the juggling is a very real, daily, weekly kind of appreciation really.

We have to be careful as a married couple that we're not just basically forever planning, but we're living in the moment or as much as you can - but with kids anyway, you can quickly be just spending weekends dropping them off at parties, picking them up and sometimes you think, actually we need a weekend where we're out as a family and we go for a walk and that sort of thing.

So really, I don't think it's much different to what a lot of people do, but what we add in is a degree of this sort of public life to it. So sometimes we think about where we're going that just allows us to kind of switch off as well. Because although there are really good opportunities for me to do things in my constituency as a dad, I'm also known and the family's known.

When you are there as a public figure and your kids are misbehaving, it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. So, you kind of brief the kids to within an inch of their life - do not misbehave! and you make sure you've got bottles for the younger ones.

Working away from home

James:                 From a parental point of view, I make sure that the kids always know that I'm back more often than not on Wednesday night. I tend not to tell them if there's a chance of getting back earlier because they're disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

Ian:                        Do you come down on Sunday nights?

James:                  I come down Monday morning and I'm back late Wednesday night for Thursday morning. So I'm down for two nights usually, but the third night's missed because I'm not back in time for bedtime, but I am there Thursday morning. From their perspective, it's essentially three nights away, three bedtimes, but it's okay.

When I come down after a hectic weekend it's quite nice, but by Tuesday I'm kind of like…. It's a bit quiet and you wake up in the middle of the night and you're in this strange flat away from the kids and stuff. There are moments when a degree of homesickness is quite real, basically what I do is I work flat out and then I leave as soon as I'm able to get back to the constituency.

Routines and rituals

James:                  For us it’s even things like coming through the door. If in the rare occasions I get home and no one is at home, there's that ability to then receive them as they come home as opposed to get home and be overwhelmed, before you've even put your bag down, which in the films is meant to be like the best feeling ever. In reality, you're exhausted. Just let me put my bag down. Let me get my coat off and then…

I mean it's probably very detailed, but we talked about that as a family in terms of just giving ... or like straightaway if Nikki wants to go out for a run or whatever, I'm like yeah, yeah go. I've got it. Go, go, go so that she gets that carved out time individually whilst at home.

Ian:                        There's routine as a family. There’re rituals.

James:                  Little rituals. Little kind of cognitive things about how you end up feeling 'cause I yearn for time at home, Nikki yearns for time out of the house. So how can we make that work? It takes some real management.

*** You can learn more about Nikki and her business Granny Cool by clicking here.

What other kind of practical things have you learnt? 

James: Coffee! I think all of our children have grown up knowing there's little point in asking for anything from me or my wife until we've had two coffees in the morning and Sky, Sky TV, and you're sorted (!)

Practical things - I think it's the same challenge that parents face anyway, which is concentrating on playing with your children and not just managing them. That's the thing I really struggle with because instinctively, not least because we've got four, but because of how busy, it's very easy (and I'm too guilty of it), very easy to just basically be managing your children rather than playing with them.

So having good walks or taking Henry to football or my daughter to drama or reading a book with my little boy or reading a story or watching a little film with my little girl, they're sort of quite deliberate activities so you're not simply just tidying up after them.

Ian:                        So for you it’s almost planned “quality time”?

James:          You've got to just have that time when it is quality time, and more often than not, that needs us to be out of the house for it to be really useful. Otherwise, you just get, I do anyway, kind of subsumed into just the management of the house and keeping on top of everything and tidying up!

Good team around me

James: It does take a considerable amount of effort to make sure it works and some of that is about just having good balance with your team, they have empathy as to my time. They'll ask themselves, before they ask me, whether another Thursday night or another Friday night or another Saturday afternoon is realistic. So we've built in some provision.

Ian:                        Core time?

James:                  Yeah, and we alternate weeks. So I'll do a late finish Friday and work on Saturday one week and then finish normal time Friday and not work the weekend . So a team of six in the constituency and then I have support three days a week when I'm down here.

The nature of it, as with any job, just takes a lot of teamwork and a lot of diary management and committing to solid things. Good time away, weekends off, good walks, time for bath, football, taking Henry to the Carabao Cup Final, which I can't wait for!

It is a lot of work, but there are a lot more dads in hardship. The status, the money, the reward for the job is significant. So I'm not complaining.

What’s the best thing about being an MP?

James:                  Genuinely it's that ability to change somebody's circumstances who've come to see you. The individual case work, which actually is somebody else's success largely. It's one of my case work team who work through the authority of the office essentially, but the case work then plan of action is then agreed and ordained by me or action is taken and letters written…

Ian:                        In your name?

James:                  In my name. Through an effective office operation we're able to transform or change circumstances, some of it very small. It can be appropriate railings outside of school or it can be sorting out the Motability license for a newly diagnosed Parkinson's sufferer who actually is going be able to use their car for a period of time having been sanctioned by the DWP or it can be saving the walk-in centre which we did quite early on.

So my SEND focus on special education needs is because I've been inundated with case work. 50 plus parents come and see me with issues about the struggle and there's a universal view across the country which is why I pressed for the national inquiry from the committee that I'm on. (Education Select Committee)

It's that ability to influence change and improve circumstances for people. That's for sure.

Elected by surprise

Ian:                       You said earlier that it was a surprise to get elected. How did you feel after the first time when you lost, it was '15?

James:                 Yeah, 2015. So I lost by 378 votes, it was 0.8%.

Ian:                        I'm not sure but I think I might have fallen asleep on the sofa by that stage…

James:                  That was a better option than being at the count. I was gutted. I spent some time getting over that frankly. I threw myself into the company that I ran, but it was quite a significant challenge to my outlook because you feel, you can't help but take it personally.

Ian:                        Yeah. Investing so much of your soul….

James:                 Two and a half years of being the candidate and running campaigns and working really hard, all in a voluntary capacity so our family had endured that. But when '17 came around, the opportunity to stand again…

There was no hesitancy in me. I was just cautious of putting the family through it again, but Nikki was just like absolutely you've got to go for it, and of course we had our eyes wide open in this instance. So, we knew what we were headed for whereas previously it was just like, oh my god this is taking so much!

In 2017 we were pregnant with Bobby. That was an active decision and we'd been pregnant with Lizzie the election before. So, some say it was a cynical ploy to win votes with my pregnant wife! “Kiss a baby”. It doesn't have to be your baby as somebody pointed out.

But it's all good. I'm loving work.

Political Heroes

James:                  Last week, I hosted Kerry Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy's daughter, it was amazing. She was awesome. She does a lot for human rights globally and she wants to do a Human Rights festival in Manchester.

So I put together some MPs and she came and spoke, we were just like hanging off every word.

She told the story about the night as a nine year old girl, the day that Martin Luther King was shot and how she remembered watching the news with her dad and he decided he needed to go down and address the crowd. He went upstairs, put a suit on, came down. She saw him leave the house, walk out into his car and pull up 10 minutes later on the news and delivered this incredible speech in Indianapolis. A speech that he delivered which helped keep the peace. It was just amazing. Absolutely brilliant.

And we talked about Shared Parental Leave

Why take Shared Parental Leave?

Ian:                        The thing about Shared Parental Leave, it really needs to be more powerful. There aren't that many places that fund it the way that maternity leave is funded. You need one partner to be earning enough that you can cover a second salary being lost, and it tends to be the man in part because those gender pay gaps come in quite early.

James:                  It's a good way of looking at it. It's an argument for equality that is often not made in terms of that need to have equality so that there is freedom for both the man and the woman to go back to work and what's best for their family rather than just necessity. Usually, as you say, because of the ingrained inequalities on pay still, then it ends up being the man that goes back to work. There should be that freedom.

Ian:                        Yeah, it's that straight jacket of choice. For a lot of couples, the certainty of dad working, mum looking after children, raising children, that's great. For a lot of dads, it's like, actually I want to be more involved and I can't or for mums - actually I want to work.

The example I like to use is of 2 candidates – 30 something, recently married. If you, as a potential employer, didn’t know which one was likely to take a year off to look after children then you wouldn’t be able to make a judgement in narrow terms based on gender.

James Frith, Labour MP for Bury North was interviewed by Ian Dinwiddy, Founder of Inspiring Dads and he kindly made the following endorsement afterwards. Need some help Being a Great Dad AND Having a Great Career? Why not get our FREE top ten work life balance tips…

Matt’s Story - Learning To Priortise Being Present.

Career, Dad and Husband

I am a recruitment professional with challenging, busy and responsible job, often requiring me to work long hours and travel. When my children were little, the country was in recession and my income took a fairly heavy hit. Not only did I experience the worry of my livelihood, I also had the challenge of playing the three roles that are very familiar to most working fathers - the need to maintain career progression, the role of dad and also husband. This is a well-worn path, but it is fair to say that you are neither fully briefed nor prepared for it- I certainly felt a lot of pressure to be ’10 out of 10’ on all sides which left very little time nor energy to do anything properly.

The Struggle To Balance Everything

The dreaded ‘triple shift’ became a massive issue for me. I was coming in late from work with a head full of the day’s challenges and ongoing worries about the future and then expected to start job number 2 when I walked through the door; it was right that my wife had some respite from childcare, but switching off professional mode straight into Dad mode was tiring to say the least. As my son, particularly, was a poor sleeper, I had no real choice but to support Kate with the night shifts too - I felt duty-bound to support with night feeds and settling my children and as a result spent a very long time living on 3-4 hours sleep per night.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

The net effect of this was obvious; I gradually became less and less capable of doing anything properly and felt depressed and anxious as a result. This was initially manageable with ‘mind over matter’, but overtime my performance at work suffered, as did my health. I gained c.2 stone in weight and lost any sense of personal well being. This in turn caused me to quit playing rugby which was an important outlet for me.

Learning To Live Better Lives

Fortunately, circumstances forced our hand. My wife was offered a part-time job (she is a teacher) and to cover the childcare, my boss allowed me to work part-time. This helped the business by reducing salary overheads and enabled my wife and I to gain a greater, first hand understanding of our relative lives at the time.

I learned how to be a stay-at-home dad (worth an essay in itself!) and my wife got to experience the balancing act that I felt I was experiencing. This change of perspective helped us massively and taught me how to be more natural with my children and worry less about work.

Bereavement, Exhaustion and Perspective

There were some other factors that changed my perspective; namely the tragic death of my mother, and also experiencing the impact of exhaustion. After a particularly challenging fortnight I collapsed in the office (I also had a series of bumps in the car) which made me take action. I made a commitment to myself to balance my work / life better and put less pressure on myself.

Mindset Change

Fortunately, during my time being a part-time worker, I met other parents whose priorities were different to mine and who were far more content with less. This took away my focus on earnings and my career.

Misplaced Loyalty To Work?

I also met a lot of people through work who had been made redundant during the recession. This had a major impact on me. I saw people who had outwardly done everything right; they had studied hard, got good jobs, prioritised careers and got to a point where they were earning really good money. They had put the company first despite the toll on their health.

When the economy turned, their companies let them go without any sentiment, in some situations without any form of parachute. This made me realise that despite what a company might do to look after people, when times get tough they will do what they have to do to survive; so in other words if you put work first to the detriment of life you might find yourself without either through no fault of your own!

Priorities And The Importance of Me Time

So essentially I made the decision to be more selfish with my time - if I go to sports day, the world will not stop turning. If I refuse a meeting a long way away, it’ll just get re-arranged at a more suitable time. If I get the train rather than drive, I’ll be home quicker etc.

I also trained as a rugby coach and now coach a successful women’s rugby team. This has been amazing for my personal sense of well-being. I have something that is just for me and whilst it does cause the odd argument at home, it stops my more negative behaviours that can self-sabotage at times.

My Life Now

Not perfect, but I’m more in control. Work-wise, I’ve accepted that I’m undergoing a sort of hiatus - my focus is less on my career, and more on my life as a whole. It’s true - I haven’t progressed my career, my earnings have stalled and I’m less fulfilled professionally, but I also have another 20 years to catch up, if and when I want to!

More Efficient And Effective

I’m far more efficient in what I do, more direct in the way I communicate with colleagues and far quicker to push back on demands I think are unreasonable. And guess what? I’m still effective in my job and delivering the results that are expected of me.

I Priortise Being Present

At home, I’m a much more present part of my children’s lives, and whilst I still miss out on a lot due to my working hours, I prioritise what is really important and my family appreciates that. The rugby gives me my ‘me time’ giving me a focus on a passion (and a team of 20+ women certainly keep me grounded!). The main area I need to further develop is my relationship – it’s very hard to keep a focus on that with so much else to do, but it’s a work in progress!

Matt’s Top Tips

• Consider your life holistically – there is no point ‘winning’ at work, and ‘losing at home’

• Your kids don’t care how much you earn. They care that you make it to their piano recital

• Be positive about your job. I moan far too much about work in front of my kids- I need to inspire them to see me as a role model, even though I don’t feel like one sometimes

• Find something you are passionate about and do it and protect it fiercely. It is not easy striking an appropriate balance, but your interests are important to you, and again, your kids will love this about you.

• If your company is not progressive, leave and don’t look back. They will leave you if they have to too. This might mean a pay cut, but provided this doesn’t impact you too much, it might be the best decision you ever make.

• Re-evaluate your status. There is no point being a Director with a fat salary at work, and inconsequential at home. Being a hero at home will make you happier!

 If you have a story to share like Matt’s or Will’s I’d love to hear from you!

👉 If you need help with your Work Life Balance you can book a FREE call with a money back guarantee. To learn more CLICK here:

👉 Click here to get our FREE Top Tips Guide