Family Communications

Our family is ‘unusual’

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

I’m the lead on the full range of parenting activity. I do the school runs (both ends of the day), I do the shopping, the online shopping, the cooking, the after-school activities, the buying of birthday cards and presents. I’m in the school year group WhatsApp group. I make sure we don’t leave all the homework to Sunday afternoon.

Lead parent, but not only parent

Note though that I said I’m the lead. Not to the only one. We’re active joint parents. She’s in the WhatsApp group too. She accesses the homework page, so she knows what needs to be done. She gets the school email too, the swim class email. We decided back in 2009 that I would be the one who would always ‘be there’.  But that decision didn’t abdicate my wife of responsibility.

Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

In my line of work – coaching working Dads, I talk a lot about communication. Both in terms of men communicating with themselves – being honest about what sort of life they actually want to live and then communicating effectively with their partners, together designing a life that works for the whole family.

My clients are usually men who are feeling torn between being a great dad AND having a great career. In many ways they are facing the challenges that women have become used to – How to “have it all.”

Coping by improving communication

The difference is that as a rule, men aren’t so good at communicating to themselves, let alone to others how they really feel about their circumstances. Plenty of men will tackle their challenges by being brave, stoic and ‘the rock’ - exhibiting traits associated with and admired in men.

It isn’t surprising that mental health issues can arise when new fathers face the twin pressures of being a breadwinner and wanting to be actively involved in young children’s lives but feel unable to express that pressure to anyone. Bottling up their emotions and delaying tackling difficult issues.

Honest with yourself

My coaching process begins with being honest with themselves. When I work with men in a coaching and mentoring capacity we start with a “Wheel of Life” before moving onto a thorough understanding of

·         Who they want to Be,

·         What they want to Do and

·         What they want to Have.

Understanding these priorities gives them the start point to have honest conversations with their partners. When we listen to what men and especially working dads actually want, we find flexible working and family friendly work patterns are really important.

“Our study found that nearly two thirds (63%) of dads have requested a change in working pattern since becoming a father.”

https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/

What is mental load, why does it matter?

Men who work flexibly report a far greater understanding of the pressures and challenges that women have more typically faced –  the “mental load”. Mental Load is the activity of organising family life. Even in families where both couples work the load falls disproportionately onto women. The NY Times this a piece called  “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” and pointed out that it would be “another 75 years before men do half the work.”

Mental load matters because it takes time and energy and acts as a barrier to female participation in the workplace. But when Men understand it and experience it first-hand it makes a real difference to rebalancing family life.

Empathy by men for the scale of the unpaid caring role that women in ‘traditional’ relationships typically take on makes a huge difference in a society that considers Prince Harry to be a great dad because he changes nappies. The bar is set painfully low.

But it can be changed.

Family Communications

In the same way that I urge men to open up about the type of caring roles they want to take on, it’s equally important for their partners to tackle the inequalities that can easily build up in family life.

My top tips for effective family communications

1.       Create a safe space for working parents to talk though pressures.

Open and honest communication and for men in particular - make it ok to express the desire to be a caring parent and have a great career. Letting go of the guilt. Creating or reaffirming family objectives.

2.       Actively educate and share the mental load.

Learn more – real examples here:

If you are the keeper of the mental load, share your needs.

Make sure your partner is in the WhatsApp group, on the email list, takes on and owns part of the load. Because if you aren’t talking about the support you need it will cost you

3.       Get organised – use a shared calendar and a to do list.

We use Google calendar and Microsoft To Do

Conclusion

Communication in families is not just about who takes out the bins. It needs to be a more profound interaction about the needs of both parties, so that support for work life balance and help in the home can be both expressed and supported.

As the French novelist Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote  

“love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

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Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?

More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.

3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.

"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December" 

"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... ​Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"

"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8" ​

How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?

The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.

Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.

But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.

Source - Working Families 2018

It’s early days

The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.

Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.

“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”

Its pretty shocking.

Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.

Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.

This is what needs to happen.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase. 

Research backs this up…

It’s time to get help

As one guy in our FB group said 

“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do. 

But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."

It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.

Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.

Because you’re kids are only young once.

Supporting Women - Mental Load, Mental Health and Respect.

On International Women’s Day it’s worth reflecting why your work life balance is so important - but you have to understand how you can use it to support your partner.

A new generation of dads want much more involvement in their children’s lives and they don't just want to be ‘weekend parents’.

They expect equality at home and at work.

⭐ They want to be there for the moments that matter.

⭐ They want to spend more time with their families even if means sacrificing promotion and financial rewards.

BUT it’s never just about dads.

Yes, it’s true, my business is built around supporting dads,

Improving work life balance for dads is never just about helping blokes to spend more time with their children, it’s about relationships and gender equality and how work life balance for dads can unlock benefits for the whole family.

So on International Women’s Day, I’ve selected 3 blog posts that reflect a number of themes that I believe are vital for men to understand if they are genuinely serious about supporting their partners in meaningful ways.

1) “Mental Load”, what it is and why it occurs.

2) The mental health cost of maternity leave.

3) Respecting your partner’s career

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

PS

To save you googling, International Man’s Day is 19th November

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Mental Load - what does your partner say behind your back?

66 per cent of the GQ State Of Man survey respondents chose "being a present father" as the number one aspect of modern masculinity. 
Source - GQ Magazine 

But modern masculinity goes way beyond that.

Some of you will get it, for the rest of you this might be informative...

✅ Real men not only want to spend more time with their families, they understand and help with the mental load.

Its not just about your quality time with your children - life is a partnership and your presence has to be more than getting home on time and making great memories at the weekend. 

Your role doesn't begin and end with money in the bank and feeling good about yourself because your kids love you and you get to work from home once a week. 

It has to be about taking on the "burden" of life.

It's about pulling your weight, not waiting to be asked, about managing at home as well as at work.

*** In fact research from Germany found that when Men worked from home they actually worked longer and did less childcare than if they were 'at work' that day, by contrast women did more childcare than they otherwise would. *** 

<<< This is what “Mental Load” looks like and generally men aren’t very good at understanding it and then doing something about it.

Source: The Guardian

If you're wondering what your wife says behind your back this may be an eyeopener...

"I’m putting the kids to bed when my daughter says, what’s for tea? 🤔. It’s 8.15 and I feel raging tbh. I was out from 4-7 but I did just assume tea would be taken care of. Am I wrong?"

"I think it's time you had a chat about this situation. Ffs we do not live in the 18th century! Seriously if you have to go out to work, then the balance within the home needs to be altered too. Atm my oh is ironing whilst I am doing other jobs. If he did not help out with the kids/ housework etc I would just down tools."

Some partners think we're stupid.

"If I’m out for dinner I leave either something pre-cooked or easy to make (frozen that just needs sticking in the oven) & give him very clear instructions on what to do, but to be honest I try to feed them before I go out... otherwise I know he’ll just resort to takeaway."

This is what they want us to do...

"Men need to start taking on board the fact that women are not born with any special skills and that not only can men organise the home/kids/social life/etc, they should just do it without waiting to be asked. They shouldn't expect those tasks to be delegated to them by women. And whilst there are men who do this, they are few and far between"

Work Life Balance

As a Working Dad, getting your work life balance right is really important but there's bigger purpose here - it's about the fundamentals of your life in partnership as a couple.

If you are just focused on your personal work life balance you are really missing a trick when it comes to your overall family and relationship happiness.

I don’t believe men are inherently selfish. Many of us were raised in households where mum did most, if not all, of the domestic chores and there’s plenty of research to show that men - and women - tend to repeat the example they were brought up with. But that also means it’s on us to set an example for our kids and muck in with the menial jobs.

Evidence also shows that the couple that puts out the bins together stays together. So it’s worth having a serious conversation with your partner about housework. It might not sound like the most convincing pillow talk but it will help you have a more mature and stronger bond.

One client, let’s call him Toby, told me…

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

The modern dads mantra might be ‘don’t split up, split the chores’.

Engage with the mental load properly and your partner will be saying nice things about you to her friends behind your back.

7 years on... get the help you need

How often do you find yourself using these phrases when your talking to yourself?

It's time to man up.

Take it on the chin.

Be committed.

Be strong.

Do what you say you'll do.

I think we all do at some stage.

I know you want to provide your family with everything they need - opportunities, experiences & comfort. But it's easy to be torn in two directions. Pulled in 2 directions by work and family life.

I know you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to make changes to your work life balance.

But if you are being honest with yourself, do you commit more to work and your boss than you do to your family?

When your work life balance is causing stress and a strain on your relationships, the easiest thing to do is to get your head down and work even harder.

But it takes real balls to do something about it.

To actually talk to someone

To open up a bit.

To admit to yourself that you need some help.

It's the reason there's a male health crisis in this country. We aren't very good at getting the help that can make a difference.

** 7 years ago yesterday, my friend Paul Burke, overcome with grief after the sudden loss of his 1 year old son, took his own life. He left a wife and 2 other young children behind. All because he didn't get the support he needed when he needed it.

Now, I'm not for one minute suggesting that any of the work life balance struggles we face are in any way comparable to what Burkey faced, but the pattern of Dads struggling on silently is real.

I can't give you the answer as to what is right for YOU and your FAMILY. It's very personal to you and you have to own the solution for yourself.

However, I know all about what it takes to manage your work life balance....

My wife routinely gets home at 11.30pm and leaves again for work at 7.30am. She's being doing that since September. Before that she'd get home at 8pm - which hardly counts as 'great' but at least it's before our children go to bed.

How do you survive that?

It takes effort and clarity of thought and a plan.

> The 3 minute video below reveals 3 things you need to be doing before you can truly make progress fixing your work life balance.

Need more inspiration? try these stories.

Will's story 

Matt's story 

No regrets 

It's time to be a real man.

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

James Frith - MP and a Dad of 4.

James Frith MP and Dad of 4

Proxy voting and Pairing

Until very recently MPs had to be present in parliament in order to vote, a recent high profile news story made parliament take note of it’s own procedures and at the end of the ensuing debate that changed parliamentary procedures, I saw James Frith speak powerfully in favour of equality for Dads.

We met last week in the House of Commons and I asked him how he juggles his responsibilities as a father of 4, husband and MP representing Bury North.

How do you juggle those very different responsibilities?  

James:                  It's a good question. So, the juggling is a very real, daily, weekly kind of appreciation really.

We have to be careful as a married couple that we're not just basically forever planning, but we're living in the moment or as much as you can - but with kids anyway, you can quickly be just spending weekends dropping them off at parties, picking them up and sometimes you think, actually we need a weekend where we're out as a family and we go for a walk and that sort of thing.

So really, I don't think it's much different to what a lot of people do, but what we add in is a degree of this sort of public life to it. So sometimes we think about where we're going that just allows us to kind of switch off as well. Because although there are really good opportunities for me to do things in my constituency as a dad, I'm also known and the family's known.

When you are there as a public figure and your kids are misbehaving, it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. So, you kind of brief the kids to within an inch of their life - do not misbehave! and you make sure you've got bottles for the younger ones.

Working away from home

James:                 From a parental point of view, I make sure that the kids always know that I'm back more often than not on Wednesday night. I tend not to tell them if there's a chance of getting back earlier because they're disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

Ian:                        Do you come down on Sunday nights?

James:                  I come down Monday morning and I'm back late Wednesday night for Thursday morning. So I'm down for two nights usually, but the third night's missed because I'm not back in time for bedtime, but I am there Thursday morning. From their perspective, it's essentially three nights away, three bedtimes, but it's okay.

When I come down after a hectic weekend it's quite nice, but by Tuesday I'm kind of like…. It's a bit quiet and you wake up in the middle of the night and you're in this strange flat away from the kids and stuff. There are moments when a degree of homesickness is quite real, basically what I do is I work flat out and then I leave as soon as I'm able to get back to the constituency.

Routines and rituals

James:                  For us it’s even things like coming through the door. If in the rare occasions I get home and no one is at home, there's that ability to then receive them as they come home as opposed to get home and be overwhelmed, before you've even put your bag down, which in the films is meant to be like the best feeling ever. In reality, you're exhausted. Just let me put my bag down. Let me get my coat off and then…

I mean it's probably very detailed, but we talked about that as a family in terms of just giving ... or like straightaway if Nikki wants to go out for a run or whatever, I'm like yeah, yeah go. I've got it. Go, go, go so that she gets that carved out time individually whilst at home.

Ian:                        There's routine as a family. There’re rituals.

James:                  Little rituals. Little kind of cognitive things about how you end up feeling 'cause I yearn for time at home, Nikki yearns for time out of the house. So how can we make that work? It takes some real management.

*** You can learn more about Nikki and her business Granny Cool by clicking here.

What other kind of practical things have you learnt? 

James: Coffee! I think all of our children have grown up knowing there's little point in asking for anything from me or my wife until we've had two coffees in the morning and Sky, Sky TV, and you're sorted (!)

Practical things - I think it's the same challenge that parents face anyway, which is concentrating on playing with your children and not just managing them. That's the thing I really struggle with because instinctively, not least because we've got four, but because of how busy, it's very easy (and I'm too guilty of it), very easy to just basically be managing your children rather than playing with them.

So having good walks or taking Henry to football or my daughter to drama or reading a book with my little boy or reading a story or watching a little film with my little girl, they're sort of quite deliberate activities so you're not simply just tidying up after them.

Ian:                        So for you it’s almost planned “quality time”?

James:          You've got to just have that time when it is quality time, and more often than not, that needs us to be out of the house for it to be really useful. Otherwise, you just get, I do anyway, kind of subsumed into just the management of the house and keeping on top of everything and tidying up!

Good team around me

James: It does take a considerable amount of effort to make sure it works and some of that is about just having good balance with your team, they have empathy as to my time. They'll ask themselves, before they ask me, whether another Thursday night or another Friday night or another Saturday afternoon is realistic. So we've built in some provision.

Ian:                        Core time?

James:                  Yeah, and we alternate weeks. So I'll do a late finish Friday and work on Saturday one week and then finish normal time Friday and not work the weekend . So a team of six in the constituency and then I have support three days a week when I'm down here.

The nature of it, as with any job, just takes a lot of teamwork and a lot of diary management and committing to solid things. Good time away, weekends off, good walks, time for bath, football, taking Henry to the Carabao Cup Final, which I can't wait for!

It is a lot of work, but there are a lot more dads in hardship. The status, the money, the reward for the job is significant. So I'm not complaining.

What’s the best thing about being an MP?

James:                  Genuinely it's that ability to change somebody's circumstances who've come to see you. The individual case work, which actually is somebody else's success largely. It's one of my case work team who work through the authority of the office essentially, but the case work then plan of action is then agreed and ordained by me or action is taken and letters written…

Ian:                        In your name?

James:                  In my name. Through an effective office operation we're able to transform or change circumstances, some of it very small. It can be appropriate railings outside of school or it can be sorting out the Motability license for a newly diagnosed Parkinson's sufferer who actually is going be able to use their car for a period of time having been sanctioned by the DWP or it can be saving the walk-in centre which we did quite early on.

So my SEND focus on special education needs is because I've been inundated with case work. 50 plus parents come and see me with issues about the struggle and there's a universal view across the country which is why I pressed for the national inquiry from the committee that I'm on. (Education Select Committee)

It's that ability to influence change and improve circumstances for people. That's for sure.

Elected by surprise

Ian:                       You said earlier that it was a surprise to get elected. How did you feel after the first time when you lost, it was '15?

James:                 Yeah, 2015. So I lost by 378 votes, it was 0.8%.

Ian:                        I'm not sure but I think I might have fallen asleep on the sofa by that stage…

James:                  That was a better option than being at the count. I was gutted. I spent some time getting over that frankly. I threw myself into the company that I ran, but it was quite a significant challenge to my outlook because you feel, you can't help but take it personally.

Ian:                        Yeah. Investing so much of your soul….

James:                 Two and a half years of being the candidate and running campaigns and working really hard, all in a voluntary capacity so our family had endured that. But when '17 came around, the opportunity to stand again…

There was no hesitancy in me. I was just cautious of putting the family through it again, but Nikki was just like absolutely you've got to go for it, and of course we had our eyes wide open in this instance. So, we knew what we were headed for whereas previously it was just like, oh my god this is taking so much!

In 2017 we were pregnant with Bobby. That was an active decision and we'd been pregnant with Lizzie the election before. So, some say it was a cynical ploy to win votes with my pregnant wife! “Kiss a baby”. It doesn't have to be your baby as somebody pointed out.

But it's all good. I'm loving work.

Political Heroes

James:                  Last week, I hosted Kerry Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy's daughter, it was amazing. She was awesome. She does a lot for human rights globally and she wants to do a Human Rights festival in Manchester.

So I put together some MPs and she came and spoke, we were just like hanging off every word.

She told the story about the night as a nine year old girl, the day that Martin Luther King was shot and how she remembered watching the news with her dad and he decided he needed to go down and address the crowd. He went upstairs, put a suit on, came down. She saw him leave the house, walk out into his car and pull up 10 minutes later on the news and delivered this incredible speech in Indianapolis. A speech that he delivered which helped keep the peace. It was just amazing. Absolutely brilliant.

And we talked about Shared Parental Leave

Why take Shared Parental Leave?

Ian:                        The thing about Shared Parental Leave, it really needs to be more powerful. There aren't that many places that fund it the way that maternity leave is funded. You need one partner to be earning enough that you can cover a second salary being lost, and it tends to be the man in part because those gender pay gaps come in quite early.

James:                  It's a good way of looking at it. It's an argument for equality that is often not made in terms of that need to have equality so that there is freedom for both the man and the woman to go back to work and what's best for their family rather than just necessity. Usually, as you say, because of the ingrained inequalities on pay still, then it ends up being the man that goes back to work. There should be that freedom.

Ian:                        Yeah, it's that straight jacket of choice. For a lot of couples, the certainty of dad working, mum looking after children, raising children, that's great. For a lot of dads, it's like, actually I want to be more involved and I can't or for mums - actually I want to work.

The example I like to use is of 2 candidates – 30 something, recently married. If you, as a potential employer, didn’t know which one was likely to take a year off to look after children then you wouldn’t be able to make a judgement in narrow terms based on gender.

James Frith, Labour MP for Bury North was interviewed by Ian Dinwiddy, Founder of Inspiring Dads and he kindly made the following endorsement afterwards. Need some help Being a Great Dad AND Having a Great Career? Why not get our FREE top ten work life balance tips…

Matt’s Story - Learning To Priortise Being Present.

Career, Dad and Husband

I am a recruitment professional with challenging, busy and responsible job, often requiring me to work long hours and travel. When my children were little, the country was in recession and my income took a fairly heavy hit. Not only did I experience the worry of my livelihood, I also had the challenge of playing the three roles that are very familiar to most working fathers - the need to maintain career progression, the role of dad and also husband. This is a well-worn path, but it is fair to say that you are neither fully briefed nor prepared for it- I certainly felt a lot of pressure to be ’10 out of 10’ on all sides which left very little time nor energy to do anything properly.

The Struggle To Balance Everything

The dreaded ‘triple shift’ became a massive issue for me. I was coming in late from work with a head full of the day’s challenges and ongoing worries about the future and then expected to start job number 2 when I walked through the door; it was right that my wife had some respite from childcare, but switching off professional mode straight into Dad mode was tiring to say the least. As my son, particularly, was a poor sleeper, I had no real choice but to support Kate with the night shifts too - I felt duty-bound to support with night feeds and settling my children and as a result spent a very long time living on 3-4 hours sleep per night.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

The net effect of this was obvious; I gradually became less and less capable of doing anything properly and felt depressed and anxious as a result. This was initially manageable with ‘mind over matter’, but overtime my performance at work suffered, as did my health. I gained c.2 stone in weight and lost any sense of personal well being. This in turn caused me to quit playing rugby which was an important outlet for me.

Learning To Live Better Lives

Fortunately, circumstances forced our hand. My wife was offered a part-time job (she is a teacher) and to cover the childcare, my boss allowed me to work part-time. This helped the business by reducing salary overheads and enabled my wife and I to gain a greater, first hand understanding of our relative lives at the time.

I learned how to be a stay-at-home dad (worth an essay in itself!) and my wife got to experience the balancing act that I felt I was experiencing. This change of perspective helped us massively and taught me how to be more natural with my children and worry less about work.

Bereavement, Exhaustion and Perspective

There were some other factors that changed my perspective; namely the tragic death of my mother, and also experiencing the impact of exhaustion. After a particularly challenging fortnight I collapsed in the office (I also had a series of bumps in the car) which made me take action. I made a commitment to myself to balance my work / life better and put less pressure on myself.

Mindset Change

Fortunately, during my time being a part-time worker, I met other parents whose priorities were different to mine and who were far more content with less. This took away my focus on earnings and my career.

Misplaced Loyalty To Work?

I also met a lot of people through work who had been made redundant during the recession. This had a major impact on me. I saw people who had outwardly done everything right; they had studied hard, got good jobs, prioritised careers and got to a point where they were earning really good money. They had put the company first despite the toll on their health.

When the economy turned, their companies let them go without any sentiment, in some situations without any form of parachute. This made me realise that despite what a company might do to look after people, when times get tough they will do what they have to do to survive; so in other words if you put work first to the detriment of life you might find yourself without either through no fault of your own!

Priorities And The Importance of Me Time

So essentially I made the decision to be more selfish with my time - if I go to sports day, the world will not stop turning. If I refuse a meeting a long way away, it’ll just get re-arranged at a more suitable time. If I get the train rather than drive, I’ll be home quicker etc.

I also trained as a rugby coach and now coach a successful women’s rugby team. This has been amazing for my personal sense of well-being. I have something that is just for me and whilst it does cause the odd argument at home, it stops my more negative behaviours that can self-sabotage at times.

My Life Now

Not perfect, but I’m more in control. Work-wise, I’ve accepted that I’m undergoing a sort of hiatus - my focus is less on my career, and more on my life as a whole. It’s true - I haven’t progressed my career, my earnings have stalled and I’m less fulfilled professionally, but I also have another 20 years to catch up, if and when I want to!

More Efficient And Effective

I’m far more efficient in what I do, more direct in the way I communicate with colleagues and far quicker to push back on demands I think are unreasonable. And guess what? I’m still effective in my job and delivering the results that are expected of me.

I Priortise Being Present

At home, I’m a much more present part of my children’s lives, and whilst I still miss out on a lot due to my working hours, I prioritise what is really important and my family appreciates that. The rugby gives me my ‘me time’ giving me a focus on a passion (and a team of 20+ women certainly keep me grounded!). The main area I need to further develop is my relationship – it’s very hard to keep a focus on that with so much else to do, but it’s a work in progress!

Matt’s Top Tips

• Consider your life holistically – there is no point ‘winning’ at work, and ‘losing at home’

• Your kids don’t care how much you earn. They care that you make it to their piano recital

• Be positive about your job. I moan far too much about work in front of my kids- I need to inspire them to see me as a role model, even though I don’t feel like one sometimes

• Find something you are passionate about and do it and protect it fiercely. It is not easy striking an appropriate balance, but your interests are important to you, and again, your kids will love this about you.

• If your company is not progressive, leave and don’t look back. They will leave you if they have to too. This might mean a pay cut, but provided this doesn’t impact you too much, it might be the best decision you ever make.

• Re-evaluate your status. There is no point being a Director with a fat salary at work, and inconsequential at home. Being a hero at home will make you happier!

 If you have a story to share like Matt’s or Will’s I’d love to hear from you!

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One man's story of how he fixed his work life balance.

One Man’s story of how he fixed his work life balance

It’s not easy to get the right work life balance for you and your family. But it is possible.

I’m often having conversations when people tell me

I’d love to get better work life balance but I can’t see how it is possible and I definitely can’t afford to step away from my path.

Will’s story is here to show you how, by following the key Inspiring Dad’s principles, you too can make real progress in your life.

1.       Discover Your Values, Priorities And True Purpose

2.      Develop Your Communication Skills And Nurture Key Relationships.

3.      Create A Work Life Balance That Delivers The Priorities That Really Matter To You.

Q&A with Will

⭐ Tell me what life was like for you.

Photo Credit: Ben White via Unsplash

“We had 2 children and I was struggling with my work hours. I didn’t see them in the morning, I was out house at 6am, not back before 7.30pm at the earliest

I was earning very good money, but I was doing it because I’d always done it.

When our son was 4, we didn’t get the primary school place that we really wanted. So, we decided to send him to a local private school. It was the right decision at the time, but it increased the pressure on me to carry on earning at the same level.”

⭐ How did you feel about your life at that time?

“Unhappy. So busy, too busy. And too tired at the weekends to enjoy our downtime.”

⭐ What made you address it?

“It was Easter when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I think it was something about always seeing darkness. I decided I couldn’t tolerate how I was living any more. I could feel the signs that it was getting too much.

The thing is I knew how bad it could get – I was an alcoholic (now 7 years clean). I didn’t want to reach rock bottom again before did something about it.”

⭐ What did you do?

“My wife and I went back to barebones – what matters to us and how do we do more of it? We decided to focus on what really makes you happy – gives you joy. For us it was about being there for the kids, rather than grand expensive gestures. In contrast to me my wife loves her job and it allows working from home too.

We started by trimming our income. We spoke to our son’s private school and the primary we wanted and managed to move schools – massively reducing our outgoings. My wife increased to 4 days a week – but 2 days a week from home. This saved us the money needed to give me to allow me to retrain, but I still needed to do it quickly.

I wanted to do something worthwhile to answer the question – “why am I here?”. It needed to build on the skills and experience I already had. I decided to become a financial advisor. The industry has moved on from the hard sales mis-selling scandals of recent years.

It’s possible to be ethical.”

⭐ How is life now?

“I love my life. I’m effectively self-employed, I get to set my own schedule, to help out at Cubs every week. I’m not too shattered by the time it comes to the weekend.

The downsides are I spend something like 40,000 miles a year in the car visiting clients, we have less income, and I’m never really ‘not working’, I can’t afford to miss contacting potential clients ‘just’ because I’m on holiday.

But those are relative downsides when set against the benefits and the opportunity to ‘be there’ regularly.”

⭐ What are your top tips for other Dads?

✅ You have a choice
✅ Don’t wait for rock bottom – it’s not a lot of fun there.
✅ Identify what you what - Be honest.

It can be hard to see a way out but there are always choices, the option to take some control of your circumstances.

And hide your phone away when you are with your family – it stops you being ‘present’ and it causes you stress.

👉 To sum up

Will was struggling with his work life balance, even if his family were happy. This can be a tricky place to be, but knowing what rock bottom could mean, he knew the stakes were high. He needed to be vulnerable – to let go of the provider mentality.

His fear of rock bottom was greater than his fear of being honest.

✅ He was honest with his wife.
✅ He got her support. They communicated openly. 
✅ They made and followed through with a plan.

(No sign up required)

The mental health cost of maternity leave

Women struggle with maternity leave, huge numbers of men want to be involved in raising their children and everyone’s mental health would benefit.

So why aren’t we talking more about Men’s flexible working?!

MENTAL HEALTH AND MATERNITY LEAVE

It’s estimated that 150,000 women a year struggle with maternity leave.

As James Millar, author of Dads Don’t Babysit describes in his blog post “That’s a mental health crisis by any standard.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-46221187

What can be a wonderful time is actually physically and emotionally draining - looking after babies is no work in the park, I know this, our daughter had quite nasty re-flux from birth. Fortunately for me it was under control by the time I took over at 6 months.

We need to talk about men

“The two of you sign up to bring life into the world together. Then, after two weeks, suddenly they are out the door, whether they want to or not, and you are left literally holding the baby.

For some couples, this moment, and the clear societal division of labour, can sow the seeds of resentment.”

Emma Barnett, Presenter, BBC Radio 5 live

Source - BBC

SOMETHING MUST CHANGE

We know Men want to spend more time with their young families but society and the workplace is conditioned to treat men as providers (and women as carers).

Men who seek to spend more time with their families are treated with suspicion and are seen as ‘not committed.’ In fact, rather than spending more time with their new families men end up working harder and longer.

Lack of good work-life balance causes massive amounts of stress and potential relationship breakdown.

IT’S TIME FOR MEN TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED

Your partner’s well being and mental health matters.

Your well being and mental health matters.

✅ Decide how you really want to live your life.

✅ Understand what your family wants and needs.

✅ Assess your work life balance.

✅ Start the conversation about flexible working.

✅ If you are an expectant Dad find out about Shared Parental Leave.

✅ Challenge the lazy stereotypes of Dads who ‘can’t’ be great parents.

✅ Sign this petition to treat ‘expectant’ Dads in the same ways as Mums.

Ready to find out how to achieve the work life balance you need?

Grab out our Top tips guide, sign up to this blog or join us in Facebook

Joe Marler and Work Life Balance

Struggling with the demands of work and the demands of family?

Is it causing you stress, anxiety and a sense of letting everyone down?

After 59 caps, Joe Marler, England Rugby player decided to step away from the England set up "Being with England you have to spend an incredible amount of time away and I could not do that any more," he said.

He went one to say he was "looking forward to being able to give my wife and children more of my time".

After struggling with “the emotional and mental toll of being away from his family for long periods”, Marler choose to address it.

To work out whether it was all worth it.

Most of us are not going to reach the heights of international sport and the pressures on mind body and time that this brings, but we can all seek to understand why we do what we do and make sure it is all worth it.

Don’t keep putting your mental health at risk.

Start to be honest about what you really want and take action to get it.

As Joe Marler found, your honesty and integrity will gain you the respect of the people around you.

Eddie Jones, England Coach said

"He's a good guy - an honest, mature person who understands the demands of the game and the demands of family life. I have got to admire his honesty and the way he has gone about this."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/45659034

Photo credit - PA

Feeling like Joe Marler?

It’s time to plan your next steps