How to... Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

How to… Avoid Covid-19 Marriage Breakdown

Stressed dads need support to face the realities of managing work and fatherhood commitments. 

Just because this is my coaching niche it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sorted, far from it. I’m struggling with when to work, how to schedule things, expectation management - especially my own expectations about what is possible. 

More than ever, being present in the moment is important, setting aside time with the kids and time to work. Focusing as much as possible on one thing at a time.

If you’re new to the working from home thing I'd definitely suggest wisely using the time you would have spent commuting. 

** My top tip is making sure domestic responsibilities are shared fairly.

Making sure you have open lines of communication with your partner and that everyone's needs are met is one really important way to survive the practical and emotional challenges that prolonged periods of time at home are bringing.

It's not going to be easy, but the harsh truth is that if you always defined your worth by the income you provided you might need to redefine your role in a much broader way. 

With kids at home, we men can't just shut the door and retreat into our work bubble.

It's literally all hands on deck. For men, the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required for a household to function might come as a shock, especially if you tend to leave that stuff to your partner. It's called mental load and you're going to get a much better sense of it in the next few months.

It's time to step up, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.

Of course you could ignore this challenge and become a viral sensation on Mumsnet...

"I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to do when both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum."

In case the prospect of reading Mumsnet scares you, here's some responses

"Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this."

"He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!" 

"Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up."

"I've had pretty much the same from DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the Xbox." 

And the kicker...

"He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him."

Now more than ever, life is tough

The challenge of balancing work and fatherhood has been cranked up to 11. Some relationships definitely won't survive.

James Millar, writing in Workingdads.co.uk talks about how it is up to us men

“To be the best partners, parents, educators and… employers and employees we can be.”

Embrace the new normal and accept that “Good enough is good enough”

If your marriage is going to make it, you might need to be doing something different. Improving your communication and sharing domestic physical and emotional labour will help you.

Need some help to get it right and talk through the problem you have?

My Story - Why I Do, What I Do

My Story - Why I Do, What I Do.

(Updated in Jan 2022)

Three events and experiences shape what I do today with Inspiring Dads.

1) Growing up with Multiple Sclerosis

It was 1987, I was 11 years old and living in Taunton, Somerset, the medium sized market town I was born in. A comfortable existence, our parents grew their own fruit and vegetables in the allotments that backed onto our semi detached home, my grandparents had been dairy farmers and summers were all about cricket.

Our life was about to be turned upside down by Multiple Sclerosis, a cruel and debilitating disease. From a distance I see how treatment and diagnoses has come on leaps and bounds, but in the late 1980s medical professionals seemed at a loss as to how to treat the condition. For mum the idea of remission was a pipe dream - she had bad days and worse days. She went down hill pretty quickly, within what felt like months, she couldn’t leave the house without her wheelchair. We moved to a bungalow, got a converted car, learnt where the drop down kerbs were and practiced the skill of gently (!) tilting the chair back to negotiate the lips and edges that dominate our urban environments.

My teenage years fundamentally changed how I saw the role of men and males in the home. My dad, my brother and I couldn’t coast along relying on mum to do things for us. We had different responsibilities than most boys our age, we went on different holidays, we had to think about different things. It was just how it was.

In hindsight it was the type of domestic equality that I advocate today.

Our Mum, Ann, died in August 2008, aged 61. I still never, ever, park in disabled bays - even if “no one needs them.”

2) 2010 - New Dad, New Worries

It was 3am when I held our daughter, Freya for the first time and I knew nothing was going to be the same again.

I made secret promises to her, her little eyes piercing my soul. Promises I hoped I’d be able to keep. Promises about what sort of Dad I would be… Wanting to make Mum proud.

But not knowing what the hell I was doing!

Worrying that I would drop my daughter was just the first thing!

Would we have enough money? One income and lots of extra costs! I was worried I couldn’t be a great Dad and have a great career. Worried our relationship would take 2nd place to our children. Worried we’d just be parents, not partners. I’d have to grow up – no more spontaneous trips to the pub with the boys. No more gaming and an end to social life?

I muddled along as best I could.

Wanting to be there with our baby. But then wanting to be somewhere else. Because no-one tells you how boring life can be with a new-born. Everything arranged around nap time! But throughout I knew one thing for sure.

I wanted to be a different type of Dad.

I wanted to share responsibilities with my wife. We wanted an equal marriage, and the opportunity was there. I went to 4 days a week and then after 6 months of maternity leave, my wife, Lisa, went back to work as a lawyer - I took on the nappies and the naps. 9 months of full time baby things.

Without work I was worried people would see me as a less of a man.

Doing “women’s work” – not providing for my family.

I remember telling people I was a management consultant - stay at home dad was just a temporary job!

I got patronised by old ladies in the supermarket, ignored by the mums who couldn’t get their heads round it and treated with suspicion by the dads who were ‘real men’, out to work. Men who thought I was out to hit on their wives.

But I met some guys who got it.

Who structured their working lives around their children, understood the amazing but limited opportunity we had to shape and guide our little people. Because they are only young once.

The importance of work and identity

I did some freelance work – kept my hand in 2 / 3 days a week – earnt some good money. My skills and expertise were needed. I was needed. I had a way of earning money and being an involved father. I also had the chance to umpire hockey matches on Saturdays - working towards the top domestic level in England, identity driven by sporting excellence.

I had what I wanted. Right?

But I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

I couldn’t be a management consultant anymore. Not with the travel and the hours. Being a great dad wasn’t the temporary gig. Consultancy was the temporary gig.

I'm a guy, so ‘naturally’ I didn't share my anxiety with anyone, but wrestling with these dilemmas took some of the joy out of becoming a Dad. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to start nursery, so I didn’t have to look after her for 5 days in a row. I was struggling to balance the conflict of wanting to be there and wanting to work.

The certainty of my previous existence had gone. The uncertainty and the lack of clear purpose was depressing at times. I should have felt happier, but it was not a problem I could easily solve. How to be a great dad AND have a great career?

And then the worst thing happened

3) George and Paul Burke 2012

I learnt that Paul Burke, “Burkey”, a university hockey mate had died. His 1 year old son, George, had suddenly died and lacking support in a system that didn’t know how to help suddenly bereaved parents he was overcome with grief, self blame and post-traumatic stress. He took his own life 5 days later.

It put everything into context.

Everything can change in an instant and having somewhere to turn is vital.

Men need to support each other and connect, tell stories and practice being vulnerable.

I set up an annual hockey match in memory of Paul. To remember him, to connect with old mates and to raise money for 2 Wish, the charity that his widow, and now my friend, Rhian Mannings, MBE, Pride of Britain winner founded. Out of a great tragedy we take the opportunity to connect. Now, 10 years on we also take the time to remember and celebrate the lives two more hockey friends - Jonathan ‘Bob’ Cheek and Deep Bolina.

The Three Bs.

2015

2021

Inspiring Dads

I was 11 years old when our mum’s multiple sclerosis broke any domestic gender role expectations I might have had as a young teenager in a family of males.

At 33, becoming a dad showed me how challenging the early stages of fatherhood can be - identity, anxiety and mixed emotions, it also demonstrated that work and ‘status’ don’t define a man.

I was 35, in 2012, when 1 year old George Burke’s sudden death, followed 5 days later by the suicide of his dad, my friend, Paul, showed how fragile life can be. The devastation these events caused, painfully illustrates the importance of both crisis support for mental health trauma and normalising men feeling comfortable talking about their emotions, worries and pressures.

Ultimately coaching has shown me a way to help.

The Mission

To help HR leaders support a new generation of dads as they navigate the vital early years of fatherhood. Creating structures and support that facilitate a redefinition of traditional, potentially divisive gender stereotypes around “breadwinning” and “caring”, helping new dads to be the hands-on, active and involved fathers they don’t necessarily remember growing up.

Coaching, mentoring and the creation of safe spaces is good for dads’ well-being and mental fitness, improves equality at home and at work and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like in the workplace.

Ultimately the mission to help men to solve this crucial question:

How to be a great dads, without sacrificing a great career?

Our Vision

Equal parental Leave rights, enshrined in law, for all.

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Important things that I’ve learnt…

1. Becoming a new dad is one of the most profoundly challenging experiences that men will ever go through.

2. Other people’s judgement can’t matter, doing what is right for you and your family is what matters.

3. Being male doesn’t insulate you from domestic responsibilities.

4. You can’t predict when everything is going to change.

5. Men need to know It’s ok to talk - being vulnerable and knowing where to turn might save your life.

How much do you respect your partner's career?

How much do you respect your partner’s career?

Traditionally men have been the 'breadwinners' in heterosexual relationships, they have focused on work - gaining power, money and prestige though their progression. If they existed at all, women's careers were only a supplement to their partner’s income and this allowed the man to be "all in" for work.

Times are changing... by the time they marry, 'settle down' and have children more and more women have careers that are at least the equal of their partners - definitely true in our family!

Men aren’t always a comfortable with this change.

But one thing is true expectations within relationships have changed. Men are expected to share more of the home and child rearing activities and many of them want to.

Harvard Business Review

Research published in the Harvard Business Journal looked at how men within a global strategy consulting firm responded to the tension between work and family commitments.

Men at the firm believed that to be ‘successful’ they had to be fully committed to work at the expense of their wives' work, the reality of their lives was that most had wives in full or part time work - this created a clear tension between how men thought they should be acting and the reality of their lives.

Creating "career angst and marital conflict".

So how to did these high performing career men reconcile their careers with those of their spouses?

Breadsharers

• 60% of the sample conceived of themselves as 'breadsharers'

"Valuing their wives’ work so highly, these men positioned themselves in sharing terms: placing importance on both partners being able to pursue their work and family-related desires, hopes, and dreams. They supported their wives’ work alongside — and sometimes ahead of — their own."

Breadwinners

• 40% of the sample 'positioned themselves in terms consistent with the traditional male 'breadwinner' identity.'

"These men accorded low social status to their wives’ work, which seemed to prime them to view this work as having little financial importance to the family. This happened even when wives seemed — to an external observer — to be quite financially successful."

We can see from the article that identifying yourself as a ‘Breadsharer’ or ‘Breadwinner’ had nothing to do with any intrinsic financial value the wives' careers had. 

The perceived social status was entirely at the discretion of the man involved.

However, devaluing the status of their wives' careers did allow some men to claim the identity of primary breadwinner and make their personal success at work the most important aspect of the family life.

“How to be a Great Dad AND Have a Great Career”

At Inspiring Dads we believe that long term commitments require a balanced outlook, with both partners' career needs and desires requiring equal focus.

We don't say that Breadwinner = bad and Breadsharer = good but...

• Are you that guy who's wife puts the kids to bed and then sits up at home every night waiting for you to make it home? Wondering why she made all the sacrifices...

• Maybe your wife is pissed off with you because you won't ask to work from home, you know it would make such a big difference for her career but you don't want to be seen as uncommitted?

• Be honest... how do you see your wife’s work - greater, equal or less important than yours?

Working together towards shared goals is what Inspiring Dads is all about.

Great men work together with their partners to establish shared goals.

As one respondent in the HBR article says

“OK, wait. Our life is not going to be the one where I get to do whatever the [expletive] I want job-wise, just because my life is not the center.”

This article was originally written in August 2018 and updated in March 2020.

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If you liked this, you might like this:

Shared Purpose is the Answer to Your Stress and Worry.

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It's as relevant now working with stressed and worried dads as it was in 2008 when I stumbled across this quote while looking for inspiration for my speech at our wedding.

Too often I find that men try and forge their own path in life, head down, redoubling their efforts and being "all in."

Communication really matters

A big part of my coaching approach is to encourage men to communicate with themselves - understanding what they truly want and need from life, their values and true calling.

Then to take that knowledge to communicate with those close to them, to build a shared purpose and direction. To understand fully how to ensure that everyone's needs are met. That's the true path to contentment and satisfaction.

A mum at the school gate once quipped (about a man taking a time off).

"Ian will like that, he's all for dads staying at home."

Of course (!) I re-educated her, it's about equality of choice and making it work for individuals and their families.

It's a complicated picture of cultural and financial pressures but without doubt open and honest communication is the bedrock of helping men to be great dads and have great careers

Family Goals

"One of us will always be there for the kids" was our first family goal and underpins everything do we as a couple.

It was true in 2010 when our daughter was born, as it was true last week when I did the school drop off, went into London to deliver a face to face coaching session on behalf The Talent Keeper Specialists and back home for pick up and later on a school concert.

replace Your stress with Shared purpose

It's tough for new dads, feeling the pressure of work and family - trying to be present and not to let anyone down.

This is what you need to do….

1) You need to list out all the things

• You want to “Be”

• You want to “Do”

• You want to “Have”

2) Choose YOUR top 5.

3) Now you need to share this with your partner

• They need go through the same process of listing out their Be, Do, Have.

4) Talk about your lists.

• What is the same?

• What is different?

• How will you achieve it?

Congratulations, this is a massive jump forward in replacing your worries with a shared purpose!

Need to my help to achieve this? Check out my 1 2 1 Coaching

How Can I Be A More “Present” Father?

Last week during my Free, 5 Day, How to Control your Work Life Balance challenge, the day 4 exercise was all about switching off.

We did an important breathing exercise and then we physically removed ourselves from our phones.

I included that exercise for 2 reasons.

1) It's something that I find useful to practice myself. Controlling and managing my state through breathing and putting my phone somewhere where I can't see it and therefore can get distracted.

2) Switching off is a commonly identified desire and challenge of men in our Working Dads Club Facebook group

Q. What do you hope to get from being a member of this group?

"Support and advice on being more present for my family."
"Support and advice to be a better dad and mange my work life so I’m 100% present."
"Strategies to help me enjoy my time with family more by switching off from work mode."

As luck would have it the UK #1 Dad Blogger John Adams has joined the Daddilife “Dads at Work” roster and has written about the metaphorical and literal benefits of switching off.

A couple of highlights for me:

"We need to be in control of our tech, the tech should not be in control of us."

"When you get home in the evening, put your phone away and don’t look at it again until the morning."

Video Inspiration

Everyday in the 5 day Challenge I went live in the challenge Facebook group. The Day 4 live involved me talking about some of the things I learnt as a national league hockey umpire and how to use this to be a more present father.

Elastic bands, focus and controlling your breathing.

Originally recorded as a lunchtime live in the 5 Day Free "How to Control Your Work Life Balance" Challenge Facebook group https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/5-day-challenge 7 min video talking about focus, presence and controlling your state via breathing

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The Ghost of Christmas Future

The Ghost of Christmas Future

You know the Christmas Carol story - three ghosts take Ebenezer Scrooge through Christmases past, present and future (it’s actually called The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come), Scrooge gets a glimpse of what it his future might look like, and faced with that sadness and despairs he promises to change his ways.

I’m pretty sure no-one reading this will be living their lives like Mr Scrooge, but if you could see into the future how would it look for you?

The Times published a piece called

“Why aren’t successful, middle-aged fathers happy?”

“Looking for more from life? Join the queue. Middle-aged fathers open up about why “success” is a poisoned chalice”

If you put aside any concern as to whether well paid professional men at the pinnacle of their working lives deserve our sympathy and support, then there is a sad tale within the article.

❌ Stories of being financially trapped by their lifestyle.

❌ Stories of becoming disconnected from their families.

❌ Stories of long term illness.

A real sense that ‘successful’ should feel better than this.

Also a realisation that planning ahead and being honest about what they really want, working out how to be happy, would, in hindsight, have been more useful than climbing the career ladder and taking on financial commitments.

“we should have spent more time working out what would have made us all happier.”

“I never stopped to consider that I would effectively be an absentee dad,” says yet another City worker commuting from the nether regions of Sussex. “The priorities were, I suppose, old-fashioned — to have their mother there and to have me providing. Now I think we should have spent more time working out what would have made us all happier.”

“I hate my job… but it’s too late to change now”

“I hate my job, I couldn’t give a toss if I’m a success or not, but it’s too late to change now,” says a 44-year-old pharmaceutical executive with a familiar sense of abject resignation.

“I’ve just renegotiated our mortgage. Back to 25 years. The building society pointed out I’d be 69 when it finishes, but I promised them I’d still be working.”

dads are seeking out help

"I've been following with interest your Inspiring Dads work. It has been niggling me for a long time now, and I find myself working away from home in a sadly average job and then feeling like a bit of a spare part at the weekend. I am monumentally unable to discuss any of this with anyone and, quite simply, I need some help."

They realise that you don’t have to wait until rock bottom before you make a change.

There’s definitely no benefit letting the Ghost of Christmas Future creep up on you.

Our 3 Core Principles

⭐ Talk honestly about what you truly want as a family

⭐ Work out your finances - Understand how much you need to earn

⭐ Know your options for better work life Balance

Need to talk to someone who won’t pass judgement?

You can book a free call with me here:

Photo Credit: Javier Allegue Barros via Unsplash @soymeraki

Baby steps towards parenting equality

International Men’s Day 2019

When I was growing up in a market town in Somerset, dads went to work and provided, and mums looked after the house and made sure everyone was fed.  We didn’t know any gangsters, so my dad was the first person I knew who had a Carphone (back when The Carphone Warehouse seemed like the obvious name for a business).

He was a surveyor, out on the road in Somerset – calling in his reports over the phone to be typed up in the office. But despite the technology there never seemed any danger of being ‘always on’, technology was an enabler.

In fact, my dad even had flexible working – he scheduled his own diary of house surveyor visits and frequently made his schedule fit the away sports matches my brother and I were involved in on Wednesdays.

30 years on I can look back and appreciate that he had the type of hands on involved parenting opportunity that many men today are striving to achieve.

Flexible working and Paternity Leave initiatives are bound up together. They both represent potential opportunities to support the desire of a new generation of men to have greater involvement in raising their children and by doing so to move towards equality of opportunity in the home and the workplace for both genders.

There’s a long way to go to normalise equality of choice when it comes to parenting but on International Men’s Day it’s good to reflect on some of the key milestones towards parenting equality.

Key Milestones

• 1999 Set up of the Fatherhood Institute – “a great dad for every child”

• 2003 Statutory Paternity Leave

In 2001, Gordon Brown included men’s right to paternity leave in his Budget and, from 2003, male employees received paid statutory paternity leave for the first time.

• 2011 Additional Paternity Leave

Fathers were given the right to take six months statutory paternity leave while their partners returned to work, in effect taking the place of the mother at home.

• 2014 Flexible Working Rights

The right to request flexible working was extended to all UK employees with at least 26 weeks’ service with the same employer on 30 June 2014.

• 2015 Shared Parental Leave

Shared Parental Leave allows you to share up to 50 weeks’ parental leave and 37 weeks’ pay with your partner. Each parent can take up to three blocks of leave, more if their employer allows, interspersed with periods of work.

• 2017 Aviva set the bar high for parental leave

From November 2017 Aviva became the first UK firm to offer up to one year of leave, of which 26 weeks’ is at full basic pay for each parent employed by the company within the first 12 months of a child’s arrival.

• 2018 NZ Prime Minister takes Maternity Leave

Jacinda Arden took 6 weeks of maternity leave while in office and then her partner, a TV presenter, became a stay-at-home dad to baby Neve, a great example of showing that no job is too big for spending time with your children.

• 2019 Standard Life Aberdeen raised the parental leave bar still higher

When they became the first to offer 9 months full pay parental leave.

Daniel Cheung via Unsplash

More to be done

I was amazed to discover that paid paternity leave has only been around since 2003 in the UK and even 15 years on, when a child is born the dad (or the other parent or partner) gets just two weeks statutory paternity leave paid at £148.68 per week, less than half of minimum wage. 

Shared parental leave uptake is very low:

Analysis by the University of Birmingham found only 9,200 new parents (just over 1% of those entitled) took shared parental leave in 2017-18. That increased to 10,700 in the financial year 2018-19.

Just as additional leave suffered too

“Just 1.4% of new fathers taking it in 2012-13. In 2011-12, the first year the scheme was in operation, just 0.8% of eligible dads took advantage of it.”

What can be done

Two things need to be addressed

1. Financial constraints – Fathers are much more likely to already be earning more than their partners and therefore find it harder to take leave at statutory rates

2. Cultural constraints – the question of where society, employers and men perceive they belong. Too often we casually default to assume men to be the main breadwinners and women as the primary carers.

The Labour party pledge in 2015 to double the length and pay of statutory paternity leave had potential to be a big step in the right direction  but has sadly disappeared to be replaced by increased maternity leave – to find out why that is problematic you’ll need to read this piece i wrote for Daddilife.

Moves around the fringes of government are important indications as to which way the wind is blowing – even if parliamentary time seems taken up with other activity…

October 2018

In October 2018 the government announced that it planned to consult on a bill that would require large employers to publish their parental leave package. Read more here

July 2019

Helen Whately, Conservative MP for Faversham and Mid Kent a introduced the flexible working bill, to make all jobs flexible by default unless the employer has a sound business reason why particular hours in a particular place are required. Read more here about what this #FlexforAll bill is all about.

Some good moves but in the UK we remain a way away from the gold standard of well paid, protected parental leave for fathers.

Why does parental leave matter?

Men Gain Empathy & Awareness of Bias

“Would my job be safe? What would it mean for my career? How would it impact my team?” Then, he adds: “It hit me like a freight train. These are worries that women in the workplace have been facing for generations”.

Source: FT – Time off for new fathers raises bias awareness

Not only that, but dads accessing parental leave has significant and long-lasting benefits towards equality in the household.

In households where men were given the opportunity to use this benefit, fathers’ daily time in household work was 23 percent higher, long after the leave period ended. 

Source: Council on Contemporary Families

Well paid protected leave is a key part of breaking cultural assumptions which perceive childcare as a woman’s job, it supports equality of choice in families and is good for mental health, relationships and women’s income prospects.

On International Men’s Day we should be setting the bar much higher than 2 weeks of below minimum wage leave.

It does nothing for families, for fathers or for mothers.

This is what society and business needs:

1. Day one flexible working as a default position for all. #flexforall

2. Equalise parental leave provisions for new parents.

3. Provide men with paternity coaching before and after their leave.

4. Identify and support senior fatherhood role models.

5. Create and support fatherhood community initiatives in the workplace.

This 'SITCOM' is no laughing matter

This SITCOM Is no Laughing Matter

Money worries are the number 1 reason married couples split.

"A poll of over 2,000 British adults by legal firm Slater and Gordon found that money worries top the list of reasons why married couples split up, with one in five saying it was the biggest cause of marital strife."

The Independent

"About a third of adults with partners report that money is a big source of conflict"

Investopedia

Worrying stats when you're trying to balance the increased costs of parenthood with potentially reduced income. In a few short years you've gone from being DINKYs* to a particularly hilarious SITCOM.

Only this sitcom is the cause of tension, argument and relationship breakdown.

Because SITCOM stands for "Single Income, Two Children and Oppressive Mortgage"

Maybe you're both working, more income, but more childcare costs. Striving not Thriving?

Congratulations you are DEWKS! don't get too excited it means "Dually Employed With Kids"

Let's be honest - before your own little “DINKY” bundle of fun came along you were pretty sorted financially, decisions weren't as significant, extravagances didn't require as much thought.

No matter how you blend you finances the rules of the game have changed. Get the strategy or tactics wrong and your relationship IS at risk.

PS

I know you’re dying to know what “DINKY” stands for…

It’s Dual Income, No Kids (Yet)

Family Communications

Our family is ‘unusual’

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

I’m the lead on the full range of parenting activity. I do the school runs (both ends of the day), I do the shopping, the online shopping, the cooking, the after-school activities, the buying of birthday cards and presents. I’m in the school year group WhatsApp group. I make sure we don’t leave all the homework to Sunday afternoon.

Lead parent, but not only parent

Note though that I said I’m the lead. Not to the only one. We’re active joint parents. She’s in the WhatsApp group too. She accesses the homework page, so she knows what needs to be done. She gets the school email too, the swim class email. We decided back in 2009 that I would be the one who would always ‘be there’.  But that decision didn’t abdicate my wife of responsibility.

Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

In my line of work – coaching working Dads, I talk a lot about communication. Both in terms of men communicating with themselves – being honest about what sort of life they actually want to live and then communicating effectively with their partners, together designing a life that works for the whole family.

My clients are usually men who are feeling torn between being a great dad AND having a great career. In many ways they are facing the challenges that women have become used to – How to “have it all.”

Coping by improving communication

The difference is that as a rule, men aren’t so good at communicating to themselves, let alone to others how they really feel about their circumstances. Plenty of men will tackle their challenges by being brave, stoic and ‘the rock’ - exhibiting traits associated with and admired in men.

It isn’t surprising that mental health issues can arise when new fathers face the twin pressures of being a breadwinner and wanting to be actively involved in young children’s lives but feel unable to express that pressure to anyone. Bottling up their emotions and delaying tackling difficult issues.

Honest with yourself

My coaching process begins with being honest with themselves. When I work with men in a coaching and mentoring capacity we start with a “Wheel of Life” before moving onto a thorough understanding of

·         Who they want to Be,

·         What they want to Do and

·         What they want to Have.

Understanding these priorities gives them the start point to have honest conversations with their partners. When we listen to what men and especially working dads actually want, we find flexible working and family friendly work patterns are really important.

“Our study found that nearly two thirds (63%) of dads have requested a change in working pattern since becoming a father.”

https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/

What is mental load, why does it matter?

Men who work flexibly report a far greater understanding of the pressures and challenges that women have more typically faced –  the “mental load”. Mental Load is the activity of organising family life. Even in families where both couples work the load falls disproportionately onto women. The NY Times this a piece called  “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” and pointed out that it would be “another 75 years before men do half the work.”

Mental load matters because it takes time and energy and acts as a barrier to female participation in the workplace. But when Men understand it and experience it first-hand it makes a real difference to rebalancing family life.

Empathy by men for the scale of the unpaid caring role that women in ‘traditional’ relationships typically take on makes a huge difference in a society that considers Prince Harry to be a great dad because he changes nappies. The bar is set painfully low.

But it can be changed.

Family Communications

In the same way that I urge men to open up about the type of caring roles they want to take on, it’s equally important for their partners to tackle the inequalities that can easily build up in family life.

My top tips for effective family communications

1.       Create a safe space for working parents to talk though pressures.

Open and honest communication and for men in particular - make it ok to express the desire to be a caring parent and have a great career. Letting go of the guilt. Creating or reaffirming family objectives.

2.       Actively educate and share the mental load.

Learn more – real examples here:

If you are the keeper of the mental load, share your needs.

Make sure your partner is in the WhatsApp group, on the email list, takes on and owns part of the load. Because if you aren’t talking about the support you need it will cost you

3.       Get organised – use a shared calendar and a to do list.

We use Google calendar and Microsoft To Do

Conclusion

Communication in families is not just about who takes out the bins. It needs to be a more profound interaction about the needs of both parties, so that support for work life balance and help in the home can be both expressed and supported.

As the French novelist Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote  

“love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

This post was originally written for the Homeworker Magazine - to learn more and to subscribe www.thehomeworker.com/subscribe

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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Men’s Flexible Working

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Of Men’s Flexible Working

As we get ready to mark Father’s Day, it worth reflecting on what dads really want.

We know a lie in would be good, socks even better and maybe a novelty selection of real ales. But in terms of the workplace, dads just want to have options. Options about how to organise their working lives, without being told that they can’t raise their children or that being a committed dad means you can’t be committed to work.

A New Generation of Dads

A whole new generation of men want to be much more actively involved in raising their children. They expect equality in the workplace and at home and they are frustrated when their needs and the needs of their families can’t be met.

In short they want to be great dads and have great careers.

GQ magazine found that the number 1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was “being a present father”.

 Source: GQ Magazine

But it can be tough when this desire to be an active present father is dismissed or not taken seriously…

“Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.

That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.”

Source: Inspiring Dads Facebook Group

Dads are changing jobs to get what they want.

Daddilife and Deliotte Report - THE MILLENNIAL DAD AT WORK

https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/

Not all men or families are the same.

Income and childcare priorities change and for many heterosexual couples the certainty of a man being fully committed to his career, while a female partner takes on the majority of the childcare can give great comfort and certainty.

However we do an enormous disservice to society, the workplace and individuals when we assume that men don’t want to be fully involved as parents. That attitude is no more valid or helpful than assuming that women only want to stay at home and look after children.

Choices!

We need to allow couples to make genuine choices - both for their own benefit and for benefits of building gender diverse workplaces.

When we cannot tell whether a man or a woman is more likely to take parental leave or seek flexible working, gender ceases to be an issue in hiring and promotion decisions.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

As a man access to flexible work can be difficult to achieve. It can be seen as a perk of seniority or as something that solves a female childcare ‘issue’.

72% feared their employer’s reaction if they asked for flexible working.

Source: Workingdads.co.uk

But when it works well the benefits to the man, the family and their partner are clear to see as the ‘Good’ story of Susha and Magnus and will show. The example of the ‘Bad’ show how a lack of flexibility for Dads will cost businesses their talent and the motivation and good will of their staff. Finally the ‘Ugly’ shines a light on the type of casual dismissive bias that one man faced trying to access part time work. It shows how an attitudes towards men’s flexible and part time working desires can directly and negatively effect women’s aspirations.

Things will change but this Father’s Day we need to think about the next generation of Father’s Day.

“The current crop of male, mid-fifties business leaders are completely out of touch in respect to the changes to the role of the father that have taken place in the two decades since they were young dads.”

Source: Evening Standard

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The Good - Susha and Magnus

Susha Chandrasekhar is a Senior Lawyer at the Department for Business.

Her husband is Dr Magnus Ryner, Professor of International Political Economy and Head of the Department of European & International Studies at Kings College, London

Their son is called Axel.

Susha kindly shared their story…

Flexibility for dads helps mums

“I am a lawyer working part-time which is demanding since my responsibilities include EU issues. Fortunately, my husband’s (more than) full-time work can be carried out flexibly. He comes into and leaves the office at different times, works from home, and catches up on things in the evenings on the days he does the school pick-up. My husband is an academic which helps but professors have to teach, attend meetings, supervise students, undertake research etc. which require a physical presence in the office or a library. It’s still a juggling act.”

Here are the top 7 ways in which my husband’s flexible pattern improves my life.

1. Morning mayhem

My husband does the morning shift and the school run. That pressure is off me as soon as I wake up which is always a good start. I do the evening routine of bath-book-bed.

2. School pick-up

My husband does two school pick-ups a week so there are least two days on which:

·         I do not have to rush home and can deal with last minute work emergencies;

·         My husband helps our son with his reading and maths homework; and

·         There is dinner on the table for me when I come through the front door.

The other 3 weekdays on which I do the pick-ups, my husband gets these benefits in return.

3. Dealing with illness

Ian’s note

This is sometimes forgotten - flexible working is about care giving in many different circumstances and sometime none - flexible working should be for all.

It is not the default position that I drop everything and deal with a sick child. We see whose schedule is the more flexible. Sometimes it’s his.

4. Caring for Grandparents

There comes a time when our own parents need care. I value the chance to do this.

5. Finances

As we do the childcare ourselves, we do not need to employ a nanny which is expensive.

6. Reliability

If my husband says he will do something, he has the flexibility to do it. I feel assured it will be done without having to check up on it.

7. Frazzle factor

I can deal with the organisation of raising a child e.g. costumes, presents, dental appointments without too much stress. I also enjoy time with my family and friends instead of fretting non-stop about everything that needs to be done.

“No system is perfect and ours breaks down once in a while when the adventures of life are thrown at it. But one thing makes us truly happy. When our son cries out when he has a nightmare or has fallen over, he doesn’t just call for “Mummy, Mummy”, he calls for “Mummy-Daddy, Mummy-Daddy.” To him, we’re equally present, equally important. To us, his opinion is the most important one.”

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The Bad - Losing Talented Staff

James wanted flexible working after the birth of his baby

He worked long hours for a private jet firm, but wanted more flexibility after his baby was born. While the official office hours were 9am to 6pm, in reality everyone was in the office until 8.30pm.

"If you didn't do that it was frowned upon. I was struggling," he says. He had been at the firm for four years and was one of its top sellers, so he asked for flexible working and expecting a positive response.

"I tried to talk to them several times, but it was always a blanket 'no' because they said others would want to do it too."

In the end, he quit, and now the 28-year-old works for his father's firm Bloomsbury Estates where he says he's happy to work at home on weekends to catch up from when he leaves early in the week.

Source: BBC website

Greg was on paternity leave

Greg was on 2 weeks paternity leave when he was asked to attend a work event - he explained that he couldn’t and was told he should “consider his priorities.” He did, remembered how toxic and destructive the environment was and left the business.

Better to upset your staff than consider flexibility?

“I can't work from home. I asked. I wasn't allowed a lap top so I had to reduce my hours in order to accommodate child drop off and pick up. They weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. Hard to have a dead stop as a recruiter but when I have to leave I have to leave as I need to get the train.”

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The Ugly - Trying to Get Part Time Work

‘Phil’ tried to get part time work in SW England so that he could support his partner’s work expansion plans by taking on more of the childcare responsibilities, including looking after a boy on the autism spectrum.

He struggled badly in the recruitment process and ended up having to take a full time role.

Overqualified and bored?

Farcical the amount of times I have heard "overqualified" or "you would be bored" or "your skills wouldnt be used" in spite of yelling into peoples faces that I only wanted part time and 2 days a week would not be boring.

Could it be because you are a man?

It definitely is. One of the interviews I had I actually was told that I would probably be embarrassed being shown the systems by a 20 year old girl. "Considering my experience" 

Unconscious Bias

As a footnote, the role I secured is the 1st full time role I applied for. But that was secured through a friend in recruitment who could see off the bias before it was made...

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What do we need to do

Let’s forget the socks and real ale gift sets this year…

✅ Encourage and support dads to talk about the pressures they face.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok for men in the workplace to spend time with their kids.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.