The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Men’s Flexible Working

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Of Men’s Flexible Working

As we get ready to mark Father’s Day, it worth reflecting on what dads really want.

We know a lie in would be good, socks even better and maybe a novelty selection of real ales. But in terms of the workplace, dads just want to have options. Options about how to organise their working lives, without being told that they can’t raise their children or that being a committed dad means you can’t be committed to work.

A New Generation of Dads

A whole new generation of men want to be much more actively involved in raising their children. They expect equality in the workplace and at home and they are frustrated when their needs and the needs of their families can’t be met.

In short they want to be great dads and have great careers.

GQ magazine found that the number 1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was “being a present father”.

 Source: GQ Magazine

But it can be tough when this desire to be an active present father is dismissed or not taken seriously…

“Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.

That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.”

Source: Inspiring Dads Facebook Group

Dads are changing jobs to get what they want.

Daddilife and Deliotte Report - THE MILLENNIAL DAD AT WORK

https://www.daddilife.com/the-millennial-dad-at-work/

Not all men or families are the same.

Income and childcare priorities change and for many heterosexual couples the certainty of a man being fully committed to his career, while a female partner takes on the majority of the childcare can give great comfort and certainty.

However we do an enormous disservice to society, the workplace and individuals when we assume that men don’t want to be fully involved as parents. That attitude is no more valid or helpful than assuming that women only want to stay at home and look after children.

Choices!

We need to allow couples to make genuine choices - both for their own benefit and for benefits of building gender diverse workplaces.

When we cannot tell whether a man or a woman is more likely to take parental leave or seek flexible working, gender ceases to be an issue in hiring and promotion decisions.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

As a man access to flexible work can be difficult to achieve. It can be seen as a perk of seniority or as something that solves a female childcare ‘issue’.

72% feared their employer’s reaction if they asked for flexible working.

Source: Workingdads.co.uk

But when it works well the benefits to the man, the family and their partner are clear to see as the ‘Good’ story of Susha and Magnus and will show. The example of the ‘Bad’ show how a lack of flexibility for Dads will cost businesses their talent and the motivation and good will of their staff. Finally the ‘Ugly’ shines a light on the type of casual dismissive bias that one man faced trying to access part time work. It shows how an attitudes towards men’s flexible and part time working desires can directly and negatively effect women’s aspirations.

Things will change but this Father’s Day we need to think about the next generation of Father’s Day.

“The current crop of male, mid-fifties business leaders are completely out of touch in respect to the changes to the role of the father that have taken place in the two decades since they were young dads.”

Source: Evening Standard

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The Good - Susha and Magnus

Susha Chandrasekhar is a Senior Lawyer at the Department for Business.

Her husband is Dr Magnus Ryner, Professor of International Political Economy and Head of the Department of European & International Studies at Kings College, London

Their son is called Axel.

Susha kindly shared their story…

Flexibility for dads helps mums

“I am a lawyer working part-time which is demanding since my responsibilities include EU issues. Fortunately, my husband’s (more than) full-time work can be carried out flexibly. He comes into and leaves the office at different times, works from home, and catches up on things in the evenings on the days he does the school pick-up. My husband is an academic which helps but professors have to teach, attend meetings, supervise students, undertake research etc. which require a physical presence in the office or a library. It’s still a juggling act.”

Here are the top 7 ways in which my husband’s flexible pattern improves my life.

1. Morning mayhem

My husband does the morning shift and the school run. That pressure is off me as soon as I wake up which is always a good start. I do the evening routine of bath-book-bed.

2. School pick-up

My husband does two school pick-ups a week so there are least two days on which:

·         I do not have to rush home and can deal with last minute work emergencies;

·         My husband helps our son with his reading and maths homework; and

·         There is dinner on the table for me when I come through the front door.

The other 3 weekdays on which I do the pick-ups, my husband gets these benefits in return.

3. Dealing with illness

Ian’s note

This is sometimes forgotten - flexible working is about care giving in many different circumstances and sometime none - flexible working should be for all.

It is not the default position that I drop everything and deal with a sick child. We see whose schedule is the more flexible. Sometimes it’s his.

4. Caring for Grandparents

There comes a time when our own parents need care. I value the chance to do this.

5. Finances

As we do the childcare ourselves, we do not need to employ a nanny which is expensive.

6. Reliability

If my husband says he will do something, he has the flexibility to do it. I feel assured it will be done without having to check up on it.

7. Frazzle factor

I can deal with the organisation of raising a child e.g. costumes, presents, dental appointments without too much stress. I also enjoy time with my family and friends instead of fretting non-stop about everything that needs to be done.

“No system is perfect and ours breaks down once in a while when the adventures of life are thrown at it. But one thing makes us truly happy. When our son cries out when he has a nightmare or has fallen over, he doesn’t just call for “Mummy, Mummy”, he calls for “Mummy-Daddy, Mummy-Daddy.” To him, we’re equally present, equally important. To us, his opinion is the most important one.”

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The Bad - Losing Talented Staff

James wanted flexible working after the birth of his baby

He worked long hours for a private jet firm, but wanted more flexibility after his baby was born. While the official office hours were 9am to 6pm, in reality everyone was in the office until 8.30pm.

"If you didn't do that it was frowned upon. I was struggling," he says. He had been at the firm for four years and was one of its top sellers, so he asked for flexible working and expecting a positive response.

"I tried to talk to them several times, but it was always a blanket 'no' because they said others would want to do it too."

In the end, he quit, and now the 28-year-old works for his father's firm Bloomsbury Estates where he says he's happy to work at home on weekends to catch up from when he leaves early in the week.

Source: BBC website

Greg was on paternity leave

Greg was on 2 weeks paternity leave when he was asked to attend a work event - he explained that he couldn’t and was told he should “consider his priorities.” He did, remembered how toxic and destructive the environment was and left the business.

Better to upset your staff than consider flexibility?

“I can't work from home. I asked. I wasn't allowed a lap top so I had to reduce my hours in order to accommodate child drop off and pick up. They weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. Hard to have a dead stop as a recruiter but when I have to leave I have to leave as I need to get the train.”

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The Ugly - Trying to Get Part Time Work

‘Phil’ tried to get part time work in SW England so that he could support his partner’s work expansion plans by taking on more of the childcare responsibilities, including looking after a boy on the autism spectrum.

He struggled badly in the recruitment process and ended up having to take a full time role.

Overqualified and bored?

Farcical the amount of times I have heard "overqualified" or "you would be bored" or "your skills wouldnt be used" in spite of yelling into peoples faces that I only wanted part time and 2 days a week would not be boring.

Could it be because you are a man?

It definitely is. One of the interviews I had I actually was told that I would probably be embarrassed being shown the systems by a 20 year old girl. "Considering my experience" 

Unconscious Bias

As a footnote, the role I secured is the 1st full time role I applied for. But that was secured through a friend in recruitment who could see off the bias before it was made...

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What do we need to do

Let’s forget the socks and real ale gift sets this year…

✅ Encourage and support dads to talk about the pressures they face.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok for men in the workplace to spend time with their kids.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase.

Poor work / life balance is a driver of men’s mental health issues. What are the solutions?

More and more guys are seeking out the help they need when facing mental health challenges. The stigma is fading and make no mistake this is a good thing - a mental health crisis can have devastating consequences.

3 mates, 3 conversations, 3 guys getting help.

"Right - must dash. Off to see my therapist, got diagnosed with PTSD in December" 

"Hey buddy, how’s things? Random ask, but in your line of work, have you come across any counselors in the London area that you could / would recommend? Breaking up with xxx has been pretty tough, and it’s made me realise that I need to talk to some one about underlying issues... ​Saw your blog post today and made me think you might have contacts?? 😬"

"Appreciate it mate, struggling with depression atm and waiting to speak to a CBT lady. I'm trying to crack on with fitness and sort my weight & look for new jobs + worries about how much there is to do at home! But keeping busy but things just feel hollow atm and some nights dreading going home for some reason chap. I'm sure things will level off just gotta keep fighting m8" ​

How many dads are struggling day to day with the stress of work, work life balance and missing seeing their kids grow up?

The truth is that a full blown mental health crisis affects relatively few men. Many many more men struggle along silently - torn between their desire to provide for their family and be a present, involved Dad.

Clearly there are many mental health issues that are not solved by getting better work life balance.

But for many men it would make a difference to their happiness and stress levels

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

While "11% of men have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities.

Source - Working Families 2018

It’s early days

The dominant narrative is still one of men being “providers” and women being “carers”. Men face higher rates of rejection for flexible working, while women take their engagement rings off before interviews. Society, the workplace and their own expectations all conspire to put a lot of pressure on men to have it all or do it all.

Hi fellas. I joined this group recently because it’s really important to me to be massively engaged in my children’s lives for as long as their childhoods last. At the same time, I want to make progress in my career.
That balance can be hard, especially when so many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs.

“So many people perceive caring fathers as uncommitted to their jobs”

Its pretty shocking.

Outwardly "successful" men will struggle on without truly opening up to someone about what they really want. Head down, be strong.

Then guess what? A work life balance issue becomes a mental health crisis.

This is what needs to happen.

✅ Normalise flexible and part time work for men.

✅ Senior men to lead by example - embracing flexible working opportunities - making it ok spend time with your kids, being flexible.

✅ Change the working culture so that raising happy, successful children isn’t just a female thing.

Dads will be happier and more fulfilled and the opportunities for families to choose how best to arrange their working lives will increase. 

Research backs this up…

It’s time to get help

As one guy in our FB group said 

“I'd go so far as to say that - for the sake of those closest to you, as well as for yourself - it's the most important thing to do sometimes. Unfortunately, those are so often the times when it's the very hardest thing to do. 

But also to echo - you're not alone. And it's empowering to those who are suffering to know that, and hopefully helps them keep things in perspective, and take those steps towards self care and looking after their own well-being."

It can be tough to take the first step and open up to someone, but it makes so much difference once you start.

Click on the button below to find out how I can help you.

Because you’re kids are only young once.

Top Tips to Design Your Family Finances

Money, Money, Money

What does it mean to you?

I'm going to be honest with you - I believe if you are in a committed relationship, raising kids together, you need to pool all your resources.

Whether it is sharing childcare, the household tasks, the mental load or money. You need to be in this together. 

I still remember the motivational motto we had when used to trudge round Dartmoor in the winter when I was a teenager, preparing and competing in  the Ten Tors Event. 

T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More. 

It was important when I was a skinny, slightly awkward 15 year old with an oversized backpack and it’s important now as a Dad and Husband.

Breadwinner or Kept Man?

Many of you male readers will be the primary breadwinner. I'm not even close to that in our house and never have been. When my wife and I met, she earnt 50% more than me, by the time we got married it was 100% more and now it's an even bigger gap. We joke that while she brought a flat and equity to the relationship, I brought a 5 year Ford Focus. 

But none of that matters because

1) We have clear family goals and a plan to achieve them.
2) We understand how much money it costs to meet those goals.
3) We pool our resources - in all parts of our life.

We're in it together -  with a single current account, with various saving accounts for different family goals.

The 2 things you need to do…

There are two things I want you take away from this post 

If you are the primary breadwinner you wield power, both spoken and unspoken. You need to use that power wisely, your relationship will fail if you do not respect your partner’s ambitions and desires and to be honest you don't get to be the breadwinner unless your partner is raising your children - she is enabling your ambitions by being there for the kids. 

1) As a couple you need to be clear on your individual and family goals.

You need to sit down and discuss it properly. Maybe your partner doesn't want to be tied to the school run for 10 years. Do you even know? Maybe you don't want to be working another 20 years for 50 hours a week in this job?

Not sure where to start? Click here and get hold of the free exercise you need.

As Chris Baker from St James Place Wealth Management reminded me the other day - don’t forget to factor in the costs of goals such as University, Life Insurance and Critical Illness cover and potentially school fees. These all require thought, care and an awareness of “combined resources and combined stated, specific objectives. “

2) As a couple you need to work out a financial plan that works for both of you

✅  Treat your finances as joint income and joint expenses.

"A woman on maternity leave having no access to her own money without asking her partner "would be similar to if her partner came into the kitchen and had to ask permission to eat something," 

Source: Quartz at Work

❌ Don't be dismissive of your wife's income 

"I said to her, ‘If you take your job and net out all of the day care expenses and net out all of the extra tax that we have to pay because you work, we’d fundamentally be making the same amount of money between us.’
Source: Harvard Business Review

❌ You shouldn’t treat childcare costs as just an issue for the Mum

"Oh and the point I would add to the bit about paying for childcare is that I think that so many people view childcare costs as coming out of the mum's salary, so feel it isn't worth it. Eg she earns £1.5k and the nanny costs £1.2k, so what's the point? In my view, you should combine both salaries, then deduct childcare costs- they are joint children and a joint expense and conceptually seeing this as coming solely out of the mum's I think is hugely undermining and demotivating."

👉 This is what you need to do 

1.     List your family priorities 
2.    Work out the financial impact for each priority
3.    Will your priorities reduce or increase your family income?
4.    How much money will need and when?
5.    How will you fund it?
Save now for future? Use savings now? Borrowing? At what cost?
6.    Review your current finances
Each month - what’s coming in, what’s going out and where is it going?
7.    Talk about your finances with your partner
Are you Spenders, Savers, Risk takers, Security seekers? Who controls how money is used? 
8.    Design your future budget
Factor in your family priorities, what needs to change to allow those priorities to be supported

Click here for some ideas on how you might make it work 

👉 By the end of the process

• You’ll have reduced your stress by understanding where your money goes.

• You’ll understand how much money you need to achieve the priorities.

• You’ll know what changes you need to make to make it happen.

Don't forget you can click here and get hold of the free exercise you need 

Top Tip - How can You be Content with Your Work Life Balance?

✅ Don’t Try to Separate Your ‘Work’ from your ‘Life.’

Well you can try, but it’ll cost you…

Last week I spoke to Kevin, a member of our FREE Facebook group. After a couple of years of false starts and jobs that aren't really what he wants, he's looking for a new job again. One of the first things he told me was that he was working with a career coach. I asked him why did he book a call with me then? (the last thing I want to do is confuse matters)

He explained that he felt he had the “work” side of this life under control - getting help with getting a new job, but that he thought it was worth talking to someone about "normal life".

It stuck me as interesting that he was treating "work" and "life" as two different compartments of his life, but I'll admit I didn't think too much about it at the time until a conversation later that week.

Kevin went on to describe some of his struggles…

> Not the person I was.

> Not sleeping well.

> Drinking too much.

> Feeling stuck.

These aren't topics easily solved by just getting your CV rewritten.

They are tackled by being honest with yourself and your partner about what it takes for you all to be happy and content and knowing your direction.

In fact it can be a bit like building a skyscraper without first checking what sort of foundations you’ll need. First sign of trouble and the whole lot could come crashing down.

It’s about the whole of your life.

The conversation I had was with Jessica Chivers from Talent Keepers.

She told me that women were able to get so much more out of coaching than men because they understood that coaching is about creating the headspace and time to explore the whole of their lives, not just the part of their lives that they spend working.

Coaching is about removing the barriers to your performance, however those barriers are created. The best coaches help you make sense of the entirety of your life and that is so important when you are a Working Dad, pulled in different directions by the range of responsibilities and expectations you are given or put upon yourself.

Think about it

👉 When you speak to your boss, you talk about work...
👉 When you speak to your wife, you talk about the kids…
👉 When you speak to Dave down the pub you talk about sport...

You get the picture. It’s a set of silos.

We don’t make it easy for ourselves do we?

We try and neatly compartmentalise our lives and wonder why trying to do the best in every area causes us stress.

The truth is it’s very difficult to give yourself fully to every part of your life at the same time. You need to focus on what is important to you and your family - sometimes it’ll be putting the time and effort into work - to provide. Other times it’ll be about being there for your young children.

✅ You need to work out your personal priorities and then match those up to your partner’s priorities. It’s about shared priorities…

But you can no more ignore your family life when you thinking about your work than I can ignore the fact I have to walk out the door at 3pm to collect our children from school. > My story

What happens when you ignore your work life balance?

Well to be honest you can ignore it but someone else will pick up the slack.

It'll be your partner and she won't like it. She'll be sitting a dark house, with the kids in bed, reflecting on the career and ambition she gave up while you have a really important networking meeting after work. 

"I gave up so much, the least he could do is try to be home. We just don’t see him and I sit in an empty house at night after I’ve put the kids to bed."

This woman later posted "Congrats, Let's catch up" on LinkedIn to mark her husband's work anniversary. 

As ‘Toby’ once told me

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents. 
But hey - we live and learn, eh?!” 

THIS IS HOW YOU START TO MAKE SENSE OF the different parts of your life:

If you want to be happy, content and know your direction, then you need to start by completing the Wheel of Life exercise.

✅ Take each element and decide how satisfied you are now. 10 is very satisfied.

✅ Make a mark on the chart and repeat for each area.

✅ Join the dots.

✅ Imagine it was a wheel. How smooth or rough would the ride be?

** no sign up needed.

Don't leave it too late the get a handle on it, your kids are only young once.

P.S.

Click here to find out why talking to someone can help you make progress.

Supporting Women - Mental Load, Mental Health and Respect.

On International Women’s Day it’s worth reflecting why your work life balance is so important - but you have to understand how you can use it to support your partner.

A new generation of dads want much more involvement in their children’s lives and they don't just want to be ‘weekend parents’.

They expect equality at home and at work.

⭐ They want to be there for the moments that matter.

⭐ They want to spend more time with their families even if means sacrificing promotion and financial rewards.

BUT it’s never just about dads.

Yes, it’s true, my business is built around supporting dads,

Improving work life balance for dads is never just about helping blokes to spend more time with their children, it’s about relationships and gender equality and how work life balance for dads can unlock benefits for the whole family.

So on International Women’s Day, I’ve selected 3 blog posts that reflect a number of themes that I believe are vital for men to understand if they are genuinely serious about supporting their partners in meaningful ways.

1) “Mental Load”, what it is and why it occurs.

2) The mental health cost of maternity leave.

3) Respecting your partner’s career

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

PS

To save you googling, International Man’s Day is 19th November

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Mental Load - what does your partner say behind your back?

66 per cent of the GQ State Of Man survey respondents chose "being a present father" as the number one aspect of modern masculinity. 
Source - GQ Magazine 

But modern masculinity goes way beyond that.

Some of you will get it, for the rest of you this might be informative...

✅ Real men not only want to spend more time with their families, they understand and help with the mental load.

Its not just about your quality time with your children - life is a partnership and your presence has to be more than getting home on time and making great memories at the weekend. 

Your role doesn't begin and end with money in the bank and feeling good about yourself because your kids love you and you get to work from home once a week. 

It has to be about taking on the "burden" of life.

It's about pulling your weight, not waiting to be asked, about managing at home as well as at work.

*** In fact research from Germany found that when Men worked from home they actually worked longer and did less childcare than if they were 'at work' that day, by contrast women did more childcare than they otherwise would. *** 

<<< This is what “Mental Load” looks like and generally men aren’t very good at understanding it and then doing something about it.

Source: The Guardian

If you're wondering what your wife says behind your back this may be an eyeopener...

"I’m putting the kids to bed when my daughter says, what’s for tea? 🤔. It’s 8.15 and I feel raging tbh. I was out from 4-7 but I did just assume tea would be taken care of. Am I wrong?"

"I think it's time you had a chat about this situation. Ffs we do not live in the 18th century! Seriously if you have to go out to work, then the balance within the home needs to be altered too. Atm my oh is ironing whilst I am doing other jobs. If he did not help out with the kids/ housework etc I would just down tools."

Some partners think we're stupid.

"If I’m out for dinner I leave either something pre-cooked or easy to make (frozen that just needs sticking in the oven) & give him very clear instructions on what to do, but to be honest I try to feed them before I go out... otherwise I know he’ll just resort to takeaway."

This is what they want us to do...

"Men need to start taking on board the fact that women are not born with any special skills and that not only can men organise the home/kids/social life/etc, they should just do it without waiting to be asked. They shouldn't expect those tasks to be delegated to them by women. And whilst there are men who do this, they are few and far between"

Work Life Balance

As a Working Dad, getting your work life balance right is really important but there's bigger purpose here - it's about the fundamentals of your life in partnership as a couple.

If you are just focused on your personal work life balance you are really missing a trick when it comes to your overall family and relationship happiness.

I don’t believe men are inherently selfish. Many of us were raised in households where mum did most, if not all, of the domestic chores and there’s plenty of research to show that men - and women - tend to repeat the example they were brought up with. But that also means it’s on us to set an example for our kids and muck in with the menial jobs.

Evidence also shows that the couple that puts out the bins together stays together. So it’s worth having a serious conversation with your partner about housework. It might not sound like the most convincing pillow talk but it will help you have a more mature and stronger bond.

One client, let’s call him Toby, told me…

“If there's one thing I wish we'd done better, it would have been to have those really honest discussions - rather than the more off-hand comments and observations - about the work life balance for both of us, including as a couple and as parents.

But hey - we live and learn, eh?!”

The modern dads mantra might be ‘don’t split up, split the chores’.

Engage with the mental load properly and your partner will be saying nice things about you to her friends behind your back.

It’s Never “Just” Money

It’s Never “Just” Money

Yesterday I had a great free work life balance stress buster call with "Jim"

Like you he was looking answers to the challenge of Being a Great Dad and Having a Great Career....

I'm not going to embarrass myself and pretend to know what the answer will be for Jim or for you.

But what I do know is that with the right process and the right support, you absolutely can work out your own path. A path that works for you and your family.

********************************

Jim works away from home during the week and has done for most of his working life, the money is good and his wife has a good job too, but he's been struggling with work life balance for the 6 years since his first child was born.

He changed jobs a few years ago, but found that losing out on the creative buzz of the old role was too much to bear.

Now at a bit of a cross roads he booked his free call

I asked him to describe how he wants to feel in 6 months time, when life is how he wants it...

✅ Happy

✅ In the zone

✅ Supportive of others

✅ Sleeping more than 6 hours a night

✅ Feeling strong

But right now he told me

"I don't want to be the Dad who isn't there"

"I don't want to have a life of regret"

"I find I don't laugh as much"

The great thing for Jim, is that he and his wife do talk about how he feels. They've had the type of honest conversations that are so important if you are going to make progress. But Jim admitted to "toning down the volume" on just how unhappy he is.

It's often easier to do that isn't it. Put on a brave face and get your head down.

Then we talked about money.

Money is never just about the pounds and pence. It's loaded with value and meaning. How much you need, how much to spend on your kids. How much you had when you were growing up. How and when you reward yourself. The life you want to give your family. The life you see other people giving their families. Your relationship with borrowing and debt.

Truth is that Jim can afford not to earn as much as he does....

But what would his kids think if the nice holidays aren't as nice?
What would his in laws think if he didn't "make it"?

However, he's spending hundreds of pounds every month on a Nanny to have "quality time with my kids."

It's never just "money"

✅ and that's why being honest with yourself and honest with your partner is so important .

If you need some extra help, someone to listen while you unload your burden, then you could do a lot worse than to book a free call with me

https://www.inspiringdads.co.uk/sign-up-consult

I look forward to helping you too

Ian

7 years on... get the help you need

How often do you find yourself using these phrases when your talking to yourself?

It's time to man up.

Take it on the chin.

Be committed.

Be strong.

Do what you say you'll do.

I think we all do at some stage.

I know you want to provide your family with everything they need - opportunities, experiences & comfort. But it's easy to be torn in two directions. Pulled in 2 directions by work and family life.

I know you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to make changes to your work life balance.

But if you are being honest with yourself, do you commit more to work and your boss than you do to your family?

When your work life balance is causing stress and a strain on your relationships, the easiest thing to do is to get your head down and work even harder.

But it takes real balls to do something about it.

To actually talk to someone

To open up a bit.

To admit to yourself that you need some help.

It's the reason there's a male health crisis in this country. We aren't very good at getting the help that can make a difference.

** 7 years ago yesterday, my friend Paul Burke, overcome with grief after the sudden loss of his 1 year old son, took his own life. He left a wife and 2 other young children behind. All because he didn't get the support he needed when he needed it.

Now, I'm not for one minute suggesting that any of the work life balance struggles we face are in any way comparable to what Burkey faced, but the pattern of Dads struggling on silently is real.

I can't give you the answer as to what is right for YOU and your FAMILY. It's very personal to you and you have to own the solution for yourself.

However, I know all about what it takes to manage your work life balance....

My wife routinely gets home at 11.30pm and leaves again for work at 7.30am. She's being doing that since September. Before that she'd get home at 8pm - which hardly counts as 'great' but at least it's before our children go to bed.

How do you survive that?

It takes effort and clarity of thought and a plan.

> The 3 minute video below reveals 3 things you need to be doing before you can truly make progress fixing your work life balance.

Need more inspiration? try these stories.

Will's story 

Matt's story 

No regrets 

It's time to be a real man.

GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

Flexible Working - Not Just For Mums!

Flexible Working - Not Just For Mums!

While we're basking in a bizarre mini heatwave I noticed a pattern springing up....

But this pattern isn't bizarre, it's just reflecting the fact that GQ magazine found that the #1 aspect of modern masculinity, identified by 66% of Men was "being a present father".

The pattern I spotted was one about the normalising of flexible working for Dads.

1️⃣ The closed FB group called "Flexible Working for Mums Like Me (Dad's Welcome)" became "Flexible Working for People Like Me"

Katy Friedman said this:
"What I've since come to realise is that by limiting the group to 'mums', I was actually perpetuating the problem and that in order for women to advance in their careers flexible working needs to be a shift in the fabric of the way we work for all, not just as a perk offered to women with childcare issues."
Link to the group - Flexible Working for People Like Me

2️⃣ The founder of Mummyjobs.co.uk, Daddyjobs.co.uk & FlexIsBest.com, Cheney Hamilton, announced that from the 1st March the sites would be moving under one umbrella called - Find your Flex. 

3️⃣ The launch of workingdads.co.uk 

Why does this matter?

A new generation of dads want much more involvement in their children’s lives and they don't just want to be ‘weekend parents’.

They expect equality at home and at work.

⭐ They want to be there for the moments that matter.

⭐ They want to spend more time with their families even if means sacrificing promotion and financial rewards.

"11% have refused a new job and 10% have said no to a promotion because of a lack of good work life balanced opportunities."

Source - Working Families 2018

Not only do Dads want it...

but imagine the benefits to your life and your family's life if your partner could access the type of well paid, interesting job that she is easily capable and qualified to do. 

She has a much better chance if her commitment isn't being permanently judged through a lens of childcare expectation.

Don't believe me?.... this is a real conversation that illustrates the bs that women have to put up with

"The most memorable moment that made me stop and pay attention that perhaps I wasn’t being judged purely on my ability, was the conversation I had with the company Chairman when being considered for a promotion and he “joked” that he was only considering me because he “trusted” that I wasn’t just going to “run off and have babies anytime soon”. I was 27, engaged, and whilst not immediately planning a family, I knew it probably wasn’t too far off in my future. Yet I had to pretend that “no, no I’m a dedicated career woman, none of this baby nonsense for me” in order to pass his “test”."

Once we remove the ability of employers and society to judge which parent is most likely to request flexible working or parental leave then all options for organising our lives become possible.

So...

Your flexible working = happy Dad, heroic Father & supportive Husband

Here's a quick video of my top 3 things to consider when you are struggling with your work life balance:

James Frith - MP and a Dad of 4.

James Frith MP and Dad of 4

Proxy voting and Pairing

Until very recently MPs had to be present in parliament in order to vote, a recent high profile news story made parliament take note of it’s own procedures and at the end of the ensuing debate that changed parliamentary procedures, I saw James Frith speak powerfully in favour of equality for Dads.

We met last week in the House of Commons and I asked him how he juggles his responsibilities as a father of 4, husband and MP representing Bury North.

How do you juggle those very different responsibilities?  

James:                  It's a good question. So, the juggling is a very real, daily, weekly kind of appreciation really.

We have to be careful as a married couple that we're not just basically forever planning, but we're living in the moment or as much as you can - but with kids anyway, you can quickly be just spending weekends dropping them off at parties, picking them up and sometimes you think, actually we need a weekend where we're out as a family and we go for a walk and that sort of thing.

So really, I don't think it's much different to what a lot of people do, but what we add in is a degree of this sort of public life to it. So sometimes we think about where we're going that just allows us to kind of switch off as well. Because although there are really good opportunities for me to do things in my constituency as a dad, I'm also known and the family's known.

When you are there as a public figure and your kids are misbehaving, it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. So, you kind of brief the kids to within an inch of their life - do not misbehave! and you make sure you've got bottles for the younger ones.

Working away from home

James:                 From a parental point of view, I make sure that the kids always know that I'm back more often than not on Wednesday night. I tend not to tell them if there's a chance of getting back earlier because they're disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

Ian:                        Do you come down on Sunday nights?

James:                  I come down Monday morning and I'm back late Wednesday night for Thursday morning. So I'm down for two nights usually, but the third night's missed because I'm not back in time for bedtime, but I am there Thursday morning. From their perspective, it's essentially three nights away, three bedtimes, but it's okay.

When I come down after a hectic weekend it's quite nice, but by Tuesday I'm kind of like…. It's a bit quiet and you wake up in the middle of the night and you're in this strange flat away from the kids and stuff. There are moments when a degree of homesickness is quite real, basically what I do is I work flat out and then I leave as soon as I'm able to get back to the constituency.

Routines and rituals

James:                  For us it’s even things like coming through the door. If in the rare occasions I get home and no one is at home, there's that ability to then receive them as they come home as opposed to get home and be overwhelmed, before you've even put your bag down, which in the films is meant to be like the best feeling ever. In reality, you're exhausted. Just let me put my bag down. Let me get my coat off and then…

I mean it's probably very detailed, but we talked about that as a family in terms of just giving ... or like straightaway if Nikki wants to go out for a run or whatever, I'm like yeah, yeah go. I've got it. Go, go, go so that she gets that carved out time individually whilst at home.

Ian:                        There's routine as a family. There’re rituals.

James:                  Little rituals. Little kind of cognitive things about how you end up feeling 'cause I yearn for time at home, Nikki yearns for time out of the house. So how can we make that work? It takes some real management.

*** You can learn more about Nikki and her business Granny Cool by clicking here.

What other kind of practical things have you learnt? 

James: Coffee! I think all of our children have grown up knowing there's little point in asking for anything from me or my wife until we've had two coffees in the morning and Sky, Sky TV, and you're sorted (!)

Practical things - I think it's the same challenge that parents face anyway, which is concentrating on playing with your children and not just managing them. That's the thing I really struggle with because instinctively, not least because we've got four, but because of how busy, it's very easy (and I'm too guilty of it), very easy to just basically be managing your children rather than playing with them.

So having good walks or taking Henry to football or my daughter to drama or reading a book with my little boy or reading a story or watching a little film with my little girl, they're sort of quite deliberate activities so you're not simply just tidying up after them.

Ian:                        So for you it’s almost planned “quality time”?

James:          You've got to just have that time when it is quality time, and more often than not, that needs us to be out of the house for it to be really useful. Otherwise, you just get, I do anyway, kind of subsumed into just the management of the house and keeping on top of everything and tidying up!

Good team around me

James: It does take a considerable amount of effort to make sure it works and some of that is about just having good balance with your team, they have empathy as to my time. They'll ask themselves, before they ask me, whether another Thursday night or another Friday night or another Saturday afternoon is realistic. So we've built in some provision.

Ian:                        Core time?

James:                  Yeah, and we alternate weeks. So I'll do a late finish Friday and work on Saturday one week and then finish normal time Friday and not work the weekend . So a team of six in the constituency and then I have support three days a week when I'm down here.

The nature of it, as with any job, just takes a lot of teamwork and a lot of diary management and committing to solid things. Good time away, weekends off, good walks, time for bath, football, taking Henry to the Carabao Cup Final, which I can't wait for!

It is a lot of work, but there are a lot more dads in hardship. The status, the money, the reward for the job is significant. So I'm not complaining.

What’s the best thing about being an MP?

James:                  Genuinely it's that ability to change somebody's circumstances who've come to see you. The individual case work, which actually is somebody else's success largely. It's one of my case work team who work through the authority of the office essentially, but the case work then plan of action is then agreed and ordained by me or action is taken and letters written…

Ian:                        In your name?

James:                  In my name. Through an effective office operation we're able to transform or change circumstances, some of it very small. It can be appropriate railings outside of school or it can be sorting out the Motability license for a newly diagnosed Parkinson's sufferer who actually is going be able to use their car for a period of time having been sanctioned by the DWP or it can be saving the walk-in centre which we did quite early on.

So my SEND focus on special education needs is because I've been inundated with case work. 50 plus parents come and see me with issues about the struggle and there's a universal view across the country which is why I pressed for the national inquiry from the committee that I'm on. (Education Select Committee)

It's that ability to influence change and improve circumstances for people. That's for sure.

Elected by surprise

Ian:                       You said earlier that it was a surprise to get elected. How did you feel after the first time when you lost, it was '15?

James:                 Yeah, 2015. So I lost by 378 votes, it was 0.8%.

Ian:                        I'm not sure but I think I might have fallen asleep on the sofa by that stage…

James:                  That was a better option than being at the count. I was gutted. I spent some time getting over that frankly. I threw myself into the company that I ran, but it was quite a significant challenge to my outlook because you feel, you can't help but take it personally.

Ian:                        Yeah. Investing so much of your soul….

James:                 Two and a half years of being the candidate and running campaigns and working really hard, all in a voluntary capacity so our family had endured that. But when '17 came around, the opportunity to stand again…

There was no hesitancy in me. I was just cautious of putting the family through it again, but Nikki was just like absolutely you've got to go for it, and of course we had our eyes wide open in this instance. So, we knew what we were headed for whereas previously it was just like, oh my god this is taking so much!

In 2017 we were pregnant with Bobby. That was an active decision and we'd been pregnant with Lizzie the election before. So, some say it was a cynical ploy to win votes with my pregnant wife! “Kiss a baby”. It doesn't have to be your baby as somebody pointed out.

But it's all good. I'm loving work.

Political Heroes

James:                  Last week, I hosted Kerry Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy's daughter, it was amazing. She was awesome. She does a lot for human rights globally and she wants to do a Human Rights festival in Manchester.

So I put together some MPs and she came and spoke, we were just like hanging off every word.

She told the story about the night as a nine year old girl, the day that Martin Luther King was shot and how she remembered watching the news with her dad and he decided he needed to go down and address the crowd. He went upstairs, put a suit on, came down. She saw him leave the house, walk out into his car and pull up 10 minutes later on the news and delivered this incredible speech in Indianapolis. A speech that he delivered which helped keep the peace. It was just amazing. Absolutely brilliant.

And we talked about Shared Parental Leave

Why take Shared Parental Leave?

Ian:                        The thing about Shared Parental Leave, it really needs to be more powerful. There aren't that many places that fund it the way that maternity leave is funded. You need one partner to be earning enough that you can cover a second salary being lost, and it tends to be the man in part because those gender pay gaps come in quite early.

James:                  It's a good way of looking at it. It's an argument for equality that is often not made in terms of that need to have equality so that there is freedom for both the man and the woman to go back to work and what's best for their family rather than just necessity. Usually, as you say, because of the ingrained inequalities on pay still, then it ends up being the man that goes back to work. There should be that freedom.

Ian:                        Yeah, it's that straight jacket of choice. For a lot of couples, the certainty of dad working, mum looking after children, raising children, that's great. For a lot of dads, it's like, actually I want to be more involved and I can't or for mums - actually I want to work.

The example I like to use is of 2 candidates – 30 something, recently married. If you, as a potential employer, didn’t know which one was likely to take a year off to look after children then you wouldn’t be able to make a judgement in narrow terms based on gender.

James Frith, Labour MP for Bury North was interviewed by Ian Dinwiddy, Founder of Inspiring Dads and he kindly made the following endorsement afterwards. Need some help Being a Great Dad AND Having a Great Career? Why not get our FREE top ten work life balance tips…