Piers and the Papoose

Don’t let Piers Morgan define what masculinity looks like

https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/1051707168490221568

Yesterday on Twitter Piers Morgan caused a ‘storm’ with this tweet. Contrasting 007 with the actor who plays the part and directly inferring that his behaviour (carrying his daughter in a sling) was in some way not masculine and at odds with his most famous role.

If I’m being honest, I’m of the opinion that Piers Morgan and that other delight, Katie Hopkins, are to a large extent professional wind up artists. It’s a role they play on social media.

In which case they should be easy to ignore…

However, as John Adams points out in his excellent blog when someone with an audience, a profile and the opportunity to shape opinion expresses views which have the potential create a negative effect on society, then it’s absolutely right that those views are challenged.

There are enormous benefits for children when Fathers are hands on in their lives and while we are slowly moving towards a situation in western society where being a hands on Dad is becoming normalised and aspirational, there is still a long way to go.

Masculinity comes in many forms and it’s important that young men and women see and celebrate that part of masculinity that is being an active and involved Dad.

Until we have true equality in parenting it remains important to brave the shouty nuance-free opinions on social media and continue to challenge those views that imply that caring for your children makes you are less of a man.

Work life balance getting in the way of being a great Dad?

maybe you need our free guide?

Book Review - Dads Don't Babysit, Freed and Millar 2018

click here > my review on Amazon

A couple of weeks ago I discovered a podcast called First Time Dads and heard James Millar, one of the authors of Dads Don’t Babysit.

I loved the discussion so much I went and bought the book. Now I love the book - it’s like reading my own ideas only a lot more coherent (!)

Crucially it seeks to answer the questions - why are fathers sometimes unwilling, but more often unable to share the pleasures of parenting?

#worklifebalance #equallives

Who wins if you win?

Who wins if you win?

My daughter and I heard an National Lottery advert the other day. The tag was “Who wins if you win?”

Freya thought this was a daft question!

"You, obviously" she said.

So I explained what the advert meant - “who else would gain from winning, a million or 10 million?”

We talked how winning a million pounds could have a positive benefit to lots of other people in your life.

It’s not just about you…

It made me thinking about 'winning' at life.

Whatever your goal as a Working Dad, someone else wins if you get it right, if you get the work life balance you and your family need.

Your stress goes down, motivation goes up.

You become a better parent, better partner.

A better employee.

Something to think about when you are pulling another late night because 'that's what we do here.'

Who do you really want to be and who wins if you achieve it?

Me time and the Work Life Balance struggle

Don’t forget ‘me’ time when you plan your work life balance

According to Google calendar it’s Day 30/44 of school holidays. This is my first year with both kids in school and now both not in school (argh!)

It’s definitely tricky to balance everything - work, time with kids and personal time for both parents.

But by being honest about what you need, you can as a couple, reduce your guilt and stay content.

The amount of time required for each part of your life can be very different and it’s changes over time.

My wife needs many more hours for work than I do for instance and with the children being older the stress or boredom definitely reduce. You can actually have proper fun together as a family. But you still need me time.

It’s particularly tough with young children, but if you can both be honest about what you need it gives you a chance to work out the how.

Understand what you both need to be happy.

It might be a painful conversation if what you thought was true isn’t true.

But the sooner you both understand and share these 3 key things, the better.

✅Who do you want to Be?

✅What do you want to Do?

✅What do you want to Have?

Consider this blog post from a young dad called Adam. As a Dad taking shared parental leave he talks about the benefits of time away from his little boy.

https://www.jeffersfamily.me/new-bl…/…/8/20/hangovers-babies

‘I love my time with him but it does also make me appreciate my time without him too. It was entirely different to when I was working full time. I missed him lots day to day as I wasn’t getting that full-time quality time. Now that I am, a day without him doesn’t feel as big of a deal’

Be clear about what you need to succeed

On the 29th September the National League hockey season starts – and at the moment I can’t be involved.

Every umpire has to pass a Beep or Cooper test to the required standard and today I didn’t. I struggled with the heat, my breathing wasn’t right and I was gasping for breath with a dry mouth long before I felt ‘tired’.

Truth is I’ve never failed before and I was gutted. I’ve delayed taking the test to recover from injury but today was my first failure.

It was a lesson in controlling the variables and being clear on what you need to succeed.

I can’t control my sore knee that has stopped my from running, I couldn’t control the temperature on the pitch this morning… 

But I could have picked up the ‘running’ bottle - I brought the thing to the pitch but didn’t use it and a few gulps of water might have been enough to get me through.

Fortunately I think I can have another crack at it on Saturday morning, it’s a bit of a pain in the arse but it can be done.

Don’t let something as trivial as a water bottle derail your success!

There's never 'enough' time.

We'd all like an extra couple of hours

But deep down we kind of know that we'd just do more of the stuff that's already distracting us...

What we actually need is focus and action

I know it can be tough...

At 7:45 tonight, the washing was still on the line, bath time was turning into fight time, and the mythical 8.30 bedtime was looking like a pipe dream. If only I had focused on running the bath earlier... I've had a lot of practice at getting 2 children to bed on my own, but I'm still hilariously rubbish at the timings!

It requires focus on the stuff that matters. Sometimes I'm good at it, sometimes I'm not. At least tonight the kids were fed and I'd done our dinner before i started the bath. And then just when I thought I had it under control our next neighbour started a bonfire and I had to grab the washing before it became infused with 'eau de burning ivy'

Since we know we can't create more time we need to  be 'better' with the time we have available...

These are the things I do...

1) One thing at a time

The 'smart' thing is to focus on a task that is big and important, but equally it could be a case of 'Eat that Frog' - getting rid of the worst task on your list.

It's vital to set aside time for one thing at a time.. tonight it was playing 'Shopkins' Top Trumps with my daughter, this morning it was set up a Facebook Pixel.

Other times my first job of the day is that thing that is causing me stress, hanging over me - once this was to cut the lawn straight after the school run... ridiculous but necessary for my own sanity and using a mower definitely reminds you of the importance of focusing on one thing at a time...

2) Managing my to-do list

Every so often I get asked how I stay 'so' organised. In part it's just who I am. I've always been methodical and detail focused (in contrast I struggle to do things quickly and dislike taking short cuts). 

But I make life easy for myself with an app called Wunderlist. Everything goes into it, notes, ideas, to dos and then i sort it into folders based on key aspects of my life. I can add dates, sub tasks and notes.. Plus it syncs with my Google calendar and it's on my phone and my laptop. It's a great little app. 

3) To delegate list

How much of your To-Do list could actually be given to someone else? Or that you could enlist help to get you to where you need to be?

Tonight it was pick tomatoes, pick blackberries, tidy up the Lego train set, but there are times when the stress of the incomplete DIY jobs means the delegation goes to our 'super handy man' called Mick. Yes it requires money but it isn't healthy if your environment is causing you stress.   

But most importantly... 

4) Understand what is really important

Step 1 of the 6 Steps to Working Dad Success is called DESIGN THE LIFE YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE. To make genuine progress towards Being a Great Dad AND Having a Great Career you really need to understand who you want to BE, what you want DO and what you want to HAVE. 

Get that right and you have solid foundations to focus on in order to make the most of the precious time you have available.

PS

In case you are wondering when it was time to make dinner we counted the cards - I won Top Trumps 16-14. Get In.

How to have enough money for the things that really matter.

You've got dreams and aspirations...

and a shared purpose with your partner, but when it comes time to take action and put it all together, these dreams had better be good ones!

They'll need to be robust and aligned with what you truly want because it's likely they require some sort of investment. 

Most of us don't have the financial freedom to do everything. There are trade offs to be made. 

Imagine you want to take a step away from the career path you are on?

That's not going to be possible if haven’t aligned your family finances with your family priorities. You need to make sure you are spending on or investing in, the things that allow you to truly live the life you and your family want.

new career, New Kitchen or a trip to disney in Florida - these things take planning.

7 Steps to Financial Clarity

1.    Start with a list of your family priorities / objectives.

2.    Work out the financial impact for each priority.

3.    How much money will they need and when?

4.    How will you fund these priorities?

Save now for future spending? 

Use savings now?

Borrow and repay later. At what cost?

5.    Review your current finances

Each month - what’s coming in and what’s going out

7.    Talk about your finances with your partner

Are you Spenders, Savers, Risk takers, Security seekers? Who controls how money is used? 

7.    Design your future budget

Factor in your family priorities, what needs to change to allow those priorities to be achieved

By the end of the process

• You’ll have reduced your stress by understanding where your money goes.

• You’ll understand how much money you need to achieve the priorities.

• You’ll know what changes you need to make to make it happen.

Need some help making it happen? Book a free 20 minute call with me to discuss your options.

Not sure if you're on the same page as your partner?

Are you concerned that you and your partner aren’t on the same page?

Do you wonder if your family think it is all worth it?

These are natural feelings if you haven’t made certain you know, talked things through and written down what you both want to achieve.

You used to talk about the future, but life got super busy and now you are worn out and drained.

It’s tough to find the time, let alone the energy to properly talk about what you want to achieve as individuals and as a family.

And I know you feel the pressure of needing to provide and to be there when it matters and to be a great role model. 

and that's before you consider what you really really what...

Sometimes it feels like you are just surviving.

This is what you need to do...

1) Be honest about your life. 

How satisfied are you with each of the important aspects of your life?

Health, relationships, work, environment etc

2) Make a list of all the things you want to Be, Do and Have.

How does achieving these make you feel?  

3) Narrow it down to the 5 things that are really important to you.

4) Talk to your partner - ask them to repeat the process.

5) Spend some quality time with your partner.

What things are both your lists? 

7) Decide on your top 5 priorities. 

These priorities will become your shared family priorities.

It's useful if there is at least one each personal to you and one personal to your partner, but the number isn't as important as ensuring that you understand and respect each others priorities.

This list is about creating a shared focus and this process will build a deeper a relationship, improving communication, and know you'll feel happier being certain of your direction.

Once you have this list of family priorities, built on sound foundations and starting on the same page, you'll be ready to take action!

Need some support to get this done?

Talk to someone independent?

Click on this button below and schedule 20 mins in my diary:

How can you improve your Work Life Balance?

Spending time with your family is key to being the type of Dad you want to be.

You want to be there for the moments that matter, because you know you can't buy time with your kids.

Exactly how you achieve the right work life balance for you will depend on the choices and priorities that are important for you and your family.

It'll be different for everyone, but some flexible working is key to unlocking work life balance.

Achieving flexible working has the power to bring significant benefits for all of society, including your employer!  It can allow your partner to return to work and help close the gender pay gap.

You want it and the benefits are clear.

So what gets in the way?

• Fear of being seen as not 'committed'

“Twice the number of fathers compared to mothers believe flexible workers are viewed as less committed… (and) believe working flexibly will have a negative impact on their career”

Source - Working Families 2017

• Outdated assumptions about gender roles in the workplace and at home.

Mothercare, Mumsnet and Daddy Pig all reinforce the stereotype that Dads aren't equally as skilled at looking after their children.

Good news is

Things are changing...

• Men want to be involved - The Modern Families Index 2017 found that, when asked whether they would assess their childcare needs before taking a new job or promotion, 76 per cent of younger fathers said they would. =>Here

• There is general demographic shift towards having children later in life. Senior managers are more likely than their predecessors to be parents of young children, increasing the likelihood that they will promote and encourage flexible working.

Not as fast as it should...

"Workplace policies have not kept up with the social changes in people's everyday lives," according to committee chair Maria Miller, who describes "outdated assumptions" about men's and women's roles in relation to work and childcare" as a further barrier to change.

Source: House of Commons Women and Equalities Committee - Fathers and the workplace

Your action plan

• Understand what type of flexible working you want

• Understand the benefits for all parties.

• Put together a business case

By harnessing the energy and desire of a new generation of dads, we can design a new way of living and working and unlock profound benefits for everyone. 

Need some help?

Bit of a kickstart?

The Importance of saying No

Sometimes you just need to say no

After 3 years as PTA Secretary and a further 12 or so on the committee of UCL Academicals Hockey Club, this summer I’m taking a break from volunteering. My resolve was tested this weekend when I received a very complimentary note asking me if I would like to take on another role within the PTA. It would have been easy to say yes - it’s a great fit with my skills, I love being part of a team and contributing my experience.

But I said no.

Google returns 23million results on the ‘art of saying no’, so it’s a popular topic (though incidentally not as popular as ‘love the job you do’ – 424 million results).

For me it’s important to see No not so much as negative, but as part of a positive decision to focus on the things that are really important to you – in my case building my coaching business. Without doubt it can be a challenge to say no when asked to help or to contribute, but for me it’s important to understand what could happen if you say yes to everything…

• You can spread yourself too thinly

• You could end up stressed and frustrated

• It could prevent you delivering against the commitments you have already made

In order to make the progress you want in your life, sometimes you need to save Yes for the really important things, giving you the time and space to do them justice

We run regular, free, 5 day challenges to help you get super clear about what’s really important to you and use that to start a meaningful conversation with your partner.